To be so on the fence about having children?

[WhatAreWordsWorth]

I’m turning 30 in the New Year, DH is 33. Together 8 years. We’ve both always been ‘on the fence’ about having kids, but we have been thinking about it a LOT more this year. Neither of us particularly wants to wait until our mid-late 30s, so even though neither of us feels 100% ready (do you ever feel 100% ready?!) we are going to seriously start thinking about trying next year.

We’re financially comfortable and in our own home which we’ve almost finished renovating. DH has a good job but I’m deeply unhappy in my career. I got a good degree but have never had a lot of confidence which has led to me being stuck in an unfulfilling and very average paid job.

I really want to move on to something better next year, but if I did I obviously wouldn’t want to get pregnant straight away if I got a new (better) job! I’d want to establish myself first.

Of course I also want my own stable career and income as I never want to become reliant on DH as the breadwinner. Our relationship is solid but I still want to be able to support myself if necessary.

Sorry I’m rambling, I guess this is a WWYD? I’d love to hear other peoples’ experiences. Did you establish a career before or after DC? Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

I’ve just had my first baby at 33, after working for a few years to establish myself in my chosen field. For me, the financial security and self esteem boost of that was really important and I’m glad I did it that way.

It depends how much you want children really. For me having children was a priority, but I also wanted an established career first. I waited until I was early 30s and now have a young baby, but I got to a level in my career first that gives me stability. I honestly don’t know what would have done if I hadn’t established my career by the time I was 30, it would have been a much harder choice.

There is genuinely no right or wrong answer. But purely from my own observation and experience I would say the following:

1. It is much harder to establish your career after having children. It’s not impossible, far from it, but it’s harder - because you’re exhausted and have much more work to do at home.
2. I established myself in my career before having a child, which I’m glad of. Parenthood has been more expensive than I expected and I’m glad I could afford to take the full year of maternity, for example.
3. BUT - and this is a big but - I do wish that as well as establishing my career, I’d also got myself into a more family friendly job before having children. I have a friend who did that, and I think it was a smart move. I would really like to work PT but my job doesn’t really work on a PT basis, so I need to find a new job, but I currently haven’t got the energy or time to find a new job and establish myself in it (plus jobs are thin on the ground at the moment) and I’d like to have another baby next year anyway, so no point in moving.

So for what they’re worth, those are my thoughts. Of course there are other things to take into account - fertility is the major one.

You say you've been thinking about it a lot more this year – what does that look and feel like in practice?

This is the age at which you're 'expected' to start having kids, so it makes sense it's on your mind, but thinking about it more doesn't mean you want to any more.

Do you want to be a mother? Or do you feel you should want to?

For me, it was important to have children and so I had my 3dc very young (while DH and I were still at university). Career wise DH and I are fine - both stable professional jobs that we got after having kids, we own our own home in a very middle class rural location, and are generally fairly decently off. Not bad for people who had our first when we were 19 and 21.

However - I've had to take a career break due to having 3 kids under 5, and I do sometimes wish I'd established myself first because I think it would've been less difficult in that regard.

That being said, the only thing I'd have done differently was learning to drive pre kids. I didn't and its a nuisance learning with little ones.

So, its up to you, I had my kids way younger and when I was far less experienced than you and we've done pretty well for ourselves, so having kids isn't necessarily a hindrance. I'll also say that one child I found really easy and didn't get in the way of studying or my career at all - I ran into difficulty when I had several. One child isn't that disruptive, at least in my experience.

Thanks the replies - it’s really helpful to hear other opinions. I wish that I’d established my career a bit earlier but I can’t go back and change that now, sadly! The job I have is related to my degree, I’ve just never moved into a more senior role. Current salary is £28k so not bad but it’d always be nice to earn more! My job feels very ‘dead end’ if that makes sense, I just need to move on to something better with more responsibility.

I actually have an interview tomorrow for a role which I really, really want. It’s a step up into a more senior role and a decent pay rise, so fingers crossed I get it! It’s another reason why I’ve been thinking about DC more, as obviously it’s a consideration when looking for a new job.

@ladybee28 that’s a good point. Honestly? I don’t know 100%. I’m not naturally maternal. BUT I do feel like I may regret it if we don’t. Nobody has a crystal ball (wish I did!) to see into the future, but whenever DH and I discuss it we always come back to the same thing - we think we’d regret it if we reach 40 and haven’t tried. I also think if we do have DC, there’s a good chance we will only have one.

I had an sudden and urgent burning desire to have a baby when I was about 30. The timing was terrible as DH had just left a stable job to go back to uni as a full time student. We had DC1 at the start of his second year. I’m usually one for weighing up the pros and cons and carefully considering options but this was a decision my head didn’t have a lot to do with.

I had a stable job (public sector finance) already and we were able to pay interest only on our mortgage for 2 years so we weren’t completely reckless. I’m not a baby person and I don’t think I could have coped with the baby and toddler years if I hadn’t been so desperate to have my two.

I'm child free and a friend with kids once gave me some great advice. She said they are hard work and tiring although wonderful and lovely too. However, if you have any doubts at all and are even slightly on the fence don't have them. I didn't have them and have never regretted that decision. I know several fence sitters who did have them and who have deeply regretted it.

It's ok to not have one of you don't want to.

You say you don't want one on your mid 30s so what does that mean to you? Try now but stop at 33? Or start now and keep going regardless as you think you'd regret it when you're 40? I think that affects the job thing really.

You need to be in work X weeks to X week of pregnancy so in an ideal world get the new job , wait X months and then TTC so you'll at least get decent mat pay.

If you're only prepares to try for a couple of years I'd see what happens with this job and the TTC now if you don't get it.

Just seen your update and I want to add I'm not stereotypically maternal either - my decision was in part motivated by me having endo and therefore not having the luxury of years and years to decide because I could find myself unable to have kids - I'm not someone who goes goo goo eyed over babies and I'm very introverted and like my own space. I adore my DC, its different with your own, but I would say if you do go for it make sure you carve out some time for yourself. With DS1 I stuck him in nursery for a couple of days from 6 months even though I didn't need to simply so I could get a bit of me time. If you only have one child its fairly easy to sort this out, its a nuisance with multiple but if you only want one, you can generally balance things quite well.

I established my career before I had my first DC as I wanted to be at a stable point that I could stay at if necessary for a few years and not be financially reliant on DH. I’m glad I did as it has plateaued a bit with being part time and not being able to take on more responsibility. I’m not sure what the solution is for you but if you don’t want to be having DC mid thirties then i wouldn’t wait too long

When I’m in an anxious, pessimistic mood, I sometimes wish I hadn’t had children. I love my DC more than life and that’s part of the problem. I worry that I’ve brought them into this shit world for my own selfish reasons, I worry for their futures. I know one day they will die as will all of us, and I can’t breathe at that thought. It’s without a doubt the best and worst thing I’ve ever done.

@SleepingStandingUp that’s a really good point. At the moment, it feels like we will let nature takes its course and if it happens then great, but if not I don’t think we’d be absolutely heartbroken, just disappointed. However, we could start TTC and suddenly feel desperate for it to happen, in which case of course we would keep trying.

@ForestNymph you sound similar to me. I’m definitely an introvert and I value my alone time. DH and I have already factored in nursery fees and I think we would probably start nursery early, during my mat leave. Friends of ours have an only child and they did the same and said they would really recommend it.

@titsaleena thanks for sharing. It’s so difficult isn’t it. I admit that I often feel the same, especially with the way the world is at the moment!

Part of me feels selfish for wanting DC at all given the state of the planet, but then part of me does really want them, and it’s another reason why we would probably just have one, if we decide to.

@WhatAreWordsWorth yes I would really recommend it if you're someone who likes your own space. I need solitude to relax and order my thoughts and nursery was invaluable to me in those days.

Second time round I couldn't put them in nursery due to circumstances (premature twins who were vulnerable to infection) and I really noticed the difference. I found it a lot more exhausting and mentally draining than with DS1. I actually enjoyed mine and DS1s time together more because we had some time apart if that makes sense.

Also it gets better as kids get older - DS1 is 5 now and I find him so interesting and funny. We watch movies together, play video games, read, go hiking and generally share hobbies and its fun. He's his own little character and its much more fun than a baby in my experience. Although newborns have their advantage - he used to just sleep on my chest while I played xbox 😅

Anyway I'm rambling a bit but I hope my experience is somewhat useful to you. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I was just like you except I did have an established career, very on the fence about kids and never had that urge that some women speak about. We started trying when I was 31 and it took us 3 years to conceive our DD, I was 35 when I had her. I’m 37 now and am 8 weeks pregnant again. This time was much easier to conceive. Do you know if you would like more than one? I would say time wise that makes a difference.

I would say if it’s something you do want and you’re happy you’ve done lots of things/had experiences etc. then go for it. For me, having a child has been an amazing experience, so much better than I ever thought but I wouldn’t want to be much older than I am now having a second. It’s tiring!

"I’m turning 30 in the New Year, DH is 33. Together 8 years"

Fertility unfortunately doesn't wait until you are ready and at 30 with a stable job and relationship I'd honestly say get cracking.

Unless you are certain you don't want kids at all.

For what it's worth, my own experience was kids with career ( it is not necessarily mutually exclusive) and they are Uni age now whilst I'm still mid 40's with time to still further invest in my future, pensions, etc

There are some notable benefits of having them younger whilst you have the boundless energy to do the run around , outside the purely financial considerations.

However, a deeply personal choice and down to your circumstances in the end.

Wow you sound exactly like me at age 30. I wasn't fussed either way about having children until I got married and hit 30 and then I couldn't imagine anything I wanted more! I'm now late 30s, a SAHM with 2 DC. In my experience I had a really miserable couple of years early 30s TTC whilst staying in a job I hated because I didn't think it was fair to start a new job and then leave if I got pregnant. I eventually made the decision to change jobs and within 3 months of starting the new job I was pregnant! Luckily I'd worked there just long enough to qualify for maternity pay, I hated that job more than my previous one so I didn't go back after my maternity leave and fell pregnant with DC2 first month TTC.

I do still have my career but my husband has paused his to be a SAHD for a few years.

Thread last week - called ‘for those of you that are deciding to stay childfree’ May be worth a read.

I wouldn't TTC if you're "on the fence" - once you have a child you can't take it back, you should only be trying to have a baby if you really desperately want one.

@PurpleFlower1983 I’m an only child and feel like I would be happy to just have one. Who knows, we could have one and want another but I’d be happy to have one and I think DH would be too.

We’ve been lucky enough to have some great experiences. We travelled the world for 9 months, have had loads of great holidays and lots of responsibility-free fun but we’re now more settled which is why I want to find a better job and have started thinking more seriously about DC.

I’ve used MN for ages and I spend loads of time reading through threads about being ready/not being ready for DC. It’s nice to read about people who weren’t naturally maternal who are happy with their decision to have them - and of course I’ve read so many posts from women who have deeply regretted it. Of course, it’s impossible to know which side you’ll fall on until you go for it!

You SOUND ready OP! Just because you're thinking about things carefully doesn't mean you're necessarily on the fence. You're just wise. I had my first at 29 and hadn't laid sufficient ground work for my career to continue. It sounds like you have done a better job. Also 25 years on, workplaces are more enlightened.

@alwayslearning789 I think you’ve hit the nail on the head ”unless you’re certain you don’t want kids at all”

I’m not certain. I used to think I didn’t want DC, but it’s crept up on me over the last year or so. It’s even tougher because I’ve spent most of my 20s thinking I’d never be a mother. It’s quite a shock to find myself coming around to the idea, if that makes any sense at all!

OP the thing i "regret" if any of it is I had mine too close together which made the very early years potentially harder than they needed to be. If I could choose looking back, I'd probably have left an extra year between my kids. Again this is a non issue if you're only having one.