To be so on the fence about having children?

[WhatAreWordsWorth]

I’m turning 30 in the New Year, DH is 33. Together 8 years. We’ve both always been ‘on the fence’ about having kids, but we have been thinking about it a LOT more this year. Neither of us particularly wants to wait until our mid-late 30s, so even though neither of us feels 100% ready (do you ever feel 100% ready?!) we are going to seriously start thinking about trying next year.

We’re financially comfortable and in our own home which we’ve almost finished renovating. DH has a good job but I’m deeply unhappy in my career. I got a good degree but have never had a lot of confidence which has led to me being stuck in an unfulfilling and very average paid job.

I really want to move on to something better next year, but if I did I obviously wouldn’t want to get pregnant straight away if I got a new (better) job! I’d want to establish myself first.

Of course I also want my own stable career and income as I never want to become reliant on DH as the breadwinner. Our relationship is solid but I still want to be able to support myself if necessary.

Sorry I’m rambling, I guess this is a WWYD? I’d love to hear other peoples’ experiences. Did you establish a career before or after DC? Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

There is no bad thing if at least one of you has a flexible, family-friendly job. If you change careers then have half an eye on that so you don't change again.

So true. Ultimately you have to have faith in your ability to flex on the land of the jump as it were.
It is great to be in the driving seat of life, master of your fate, blaming no-one for the way things turn out.
But the things that have many possible outcomes will always be a leap of faith and you have to go with however they turn out. My decision didn't take me where I thought (expected to be back at work after mat leave) but the decision process is an evolving one, it's never done, so sometimes you have to accept that it will be a rolling process and you will reassess many times as you go along. But that's true whether you do children now or not.

I've been in the same boat as you OP, but without the luxury of time as I only met DP when I was just turned 36. We're now 5 months into TTC.

Could my career be better? Yes, but I'm in the process of applying for promotion now. Sadly the company isn't the most family friendly but hey that's what employment laws are there for . I've given them well over a decade of loyalty, they can give me a year of maternity leave.

Was I 100% sure I wanted children? No, but after much thought I found I'm more afraid of reaching menopause and never having tried than I am afraid of the idea of having them and then regretting it. The longer we've been TTC to more 'ready' I feel. I don't think we'll seek intervention if it doesn't happen naturally, but we're excited to embark on the adventure if it does.

In your shoes, I would go for it. Don't let it hold you back from seeking a new job in the meantime; if you were to get pregnant shortly after taking on a new role it's not ideal but it happens and you take it as it comes. Life doesn't always work out in exact perfect order.

Good Luck

Was I 100% sure I wanted children? No, but after much thought I found I'm more afraid of reaching menopause and never having tried than I am afraid of the idea of having them and then regretting it. The longer we've been TTC to more 'ready' I feel. I don't think we'll seek intervention if it doesn't happen naturally, but we're excited to embark on the adventure if it does.

This pretty much sums up exactly how I feel, @DuzzyFuck. The more I think about starting TTC the more excited I feel. I don’t think either DH or I had that burning desire to have DC, but I think I would always wonder “what if” if we didn’t give it a go, at least.

I think a good gauge is holding a baby or chatting to small child. I never felt that maternal in my 20s, but once my brother had my niece, I knew I wanted one of my own.

‘ Sadly the company isn't the most family friendly but hey that's what employment laws are there for’

If only that were the case. Paid maternity is usually OK but beyond that can be V v hard indeed to seek redress for sex discrimination.

I think a lot of people feel the same way as us OP.

I'd also spent a lot of time in my early 30s convinced I wouldn't be having them and telling other people that I was ok with that, it took some getting my head around when it became an actual possibility!

I knew I was ready to try when I realised that none of the things I'd feared having to 'give up' when I was younger (partying, holidays, spontaneity) were actually all that important any more. I have to say that if there's been one silver lining to 2020 it's reinforced that I really can live without all that and be quite happy!

I think whichever way you decide to go you will have moments of regret. But human nature means you adjust to your reality and make the best of it, and all decisions stem from the last like the branches of a tree until you can't imagine what the 'other' life might have looked like.
I find these really knotty decision easier if I cast my mind to the far distant consequence, so picture what you think you'd like your life to look like 20 years from now.
You can get too bogged down in the immediate practical complications.

I think you need to think more about whether you actually want children. It sounds like you are really not sure. What do you think having children will be like? Why are you unsure?

I'm child free but I have always known I don't want children. I feel an awful lot of people have them because it's the done thing. Not saying they don't love them. But it's not a given.

@RealisticSketch

I think whichever way you decide to go you will have moments of regret. But human nature means you adjust to your reality and make the best of it, and all decisions stem from the last like the branches of a tree until you can't imagine what the 'other' life might have looked like. I find these really knotty decision easier if I cast my mind to the far distant consequence, so picture what you think you'd like your life to look like 20 years from now. You can get too bogged down in the immediate practical complications.

I agree with this, I think everyone will have the odd moment of "why did I have kids?!/god I wish I'd had kids!" and its important not to get hung up on that as opposed to the long term effects.

Looking into the future I have always imagined having adult children - bizarrely even when I was sure I didn’t want DC!

I’m an only child and from a small family. I had a great childhood, apart from my dad who was useless and who I rarely see. I like the idea of having adult children as I won’t have much other family left in the distant future, although I know there’s no guarantee of them always being around and I’d be supportive if they wanted to travel/move abroad etc. And it’s not my ‘reason’ to have DC, it’s just something else to consider. I’ve just always imagined having ‘someone else’ in our lives as we get older.

I had the same vision - I could see myself with teenagers and adult children more than babies.

You sound exactly the same as me! I’m 29, was sure I didn’t want them and now coming round to the idea. I’m still not fussed about the baby stage, but I love the idea of having a child.

I’m in a good place career wise, and whilst I don’t love my currrnt job, it has good mat leave benefits so I’m staying where I am with a view to TTC when I’m 32.

Covid has scuppered my plans to do as much travelling as possible in the meantime.

I’m still not 100% sure though, so who knows what decision I’ll make when it actually comes down to it and I’m so so envious of people who just ‘knew’ either way.

You need to be absolutely certain if you want kids. My ex changed after my son was born and I had to bring him up by myself. It was very hard, physically, emotionally and financially. Think and then think again

I was always absolutely desperate for DC, and put that above having a career. It then turned out I had the most dreadful fertility issues and it took 8 years to get pg. When it finally happened, I panicked, and started to wonder if it really was what I wanted ... or had I just got swept up in the "you're a certain age, you really should want children" hype.

What I'm trying to say is that there is never a right time to have DC, and wobbles along the way are perfectly normal and to be expected. My DC is now a teenager and the centre of our world. I don't regret having them for a second, and would go through everything we did to have them again.

Sometimes, some decisions are just a leap of faith.

I’ve just turned 38 and I’m still on the fence!

But for me that’s because we don’t have a mortgage yet, and we’re not likely to get one for another year. I would never want to have a child without that security and so I have accepted that it means we may not have a child.

I think @Dozer makes some good points.

• think about the practicalities with your husband, will he take paternity leave, do his share of night waking and nursery drop off, be a fully engaged father. Its easy to say yes to this now, but its also easy for many men to still just carry on as normal with their work/careers and expect the woman to pick up the slack.

• are you prepared to put your child in childcare even if its not completely "financially viable" in order to get your career on track

For what it's worth, I was on the fence and I would say a lot of people expected me not to have kids. I do like kids, but for a long time just struggled to imagine my life with them. At 34 we decided to TTC and it happened quite quickly (within months). Now I can't imagine my life without my baby. My career is very well established though, I have a senior role and opportunity for more progression. Also, I have been with the company for over 10 years so if I did suddenly decide to go PT/slow down a bit, I could do that as I have a lot of goodwill built up.

Only you can decide whether to delay a year or two in order to switch jobs or whether to just start trying already... whichever way you do it, you can make it work. Good luck!

You sound a lot like me. I was never maternal either, not sure if I'd held a baby til I held my own. I thought about it and realised when I was 60 I wanted adult kids, which meant doing the baby thing!

We decided to give it a go when I was 32 and I had two in 18 months. They're still preschoolers so I guess a lot could change, but I've never regretted it. They can be hard work, but they're so much fun and I wouldnt take it back. In fact I'd have another if I could, never thought that would be me!

I'm on the fence, and almost 36

I've read countless threads like these hoping I'll suddenly be enlightened but it hasn't happened yet. There seems to be polarising views that you should only do it if you're absolutely sure (but how can you be? No one knows what parenthood will be like for them) or you should just go for it.

Like previous posters, I would like adult children when I'm 60, but have never been keen on small children, and my nieces and nephews have done nothing to convince me.

It's very tricky!

Being a parent had never ever crossed my mind, I then unexpectantly became a kinship carer and then a parent at 28.

A few things helped me hugely, I was high up enough at work but low enough that I could afford to work part time after my period of leave was over and still afford my rent, utilities, home deposit etc. Every child is different, my son would not have coped with fulltime nursery five days a week, now hes five he just about copes with school, but doesn’t cope with wrap around care very well.

You mention using nursery early, thats fine, but whats the plan if your child is unable to attend, struggles to cope with nursery etc?

I can’t express how hard it sometimes is being a parent, but for me despite those times it is absolutely worth it. There were times in the first six months where I really wasn’t coping at all and seriously thought about ending the placement. By around 9 months we were in a good routine, he was finally getting theraply and medical support and I started to feel like I knew how to parent him.

I would absolutely go through it again and I would like to have number two, so in the future we will be starting the process to adopt number two. I don’t think anyone can ever be 100% sure they want number one, but I think you can be a bit more with number two.

This time it will actually be planned so my partner and I are able to discuss the big issues, plan financially etc.

I think if you're 36 and still not really feeling it then the urge isn't likely to strike hard enough to want to change your life anytime soon. Sometimes not making a decision until the option is in the past, is a decision.
There are other ways to have adult 'children' in your life, I have an 'aunty' who never had children as her dh didn't want them and she married him knowing that, she has a collection of close friends and family whose children have enjoyed having her involved in their lives and she is really close to some of them, they look upon her as a second mum, so she has influenced them, supported them and enjoyed them and is enjoying their adult company, all without the nappies and sleepless nights. Horses for courses.

@realisticsketch thanks, I think you're right!