To be so on the fence about having children?

[WhatAreWordsWorth]

I’m turning 30 in the New Year, DH is 33. Together 8 years. We’ve both always been ‘on the fence’ about having kids, but we have been thinking about it a LOT more this year. Neither of us particularly wants to wait until our mid-late 30s, so even though neither of us feels 100% ready (do you ever feel 100% ready?!) we are going to seriously start thinking about trying next year.

We’re financially comfortable and in our own home which we’ve almost finished renovating. DH has a good job but I’m deeply unhappy in my career. I got a good degree but have never had a lot of confidence which has led to me being stuck in an unfulfilling and very average paid job.

I really want to move on to something better next year, but if I did I obviously wouldn’t want to get pregnant straight away if I got a new (better) job! I’d want to establish myself first.

Of course I also want my own stable career and income as I never want to become reliant on DH as the breadwinner. Our relationship is solid but I still want to be able to support myself if necessary.

Sorry I’m rambling, I guess this is a WWYD? I’d love to hear other peoples’ experiences. Did you establish a career before or after DC? Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

I was the same as you OP, not interested for years, then on the fence, then we sort of thought we'd like a family but also said if it didn't happen it wouldn't be the end of the world and we wouldn't pursue IVF/other avenues of parenthood.

We started trying and month one, I was disappointed when my period came. Month two, it didn't come! I'm due early 2021

When we sat, talked and thought about it, we both said we couldn't imagine life being as it is now in 10 years' time, without a family. I say that as part of a couple who, in normal times, travels loads, is out all the time, socialises lots etc. We simply felt ready for the next bit of what life has to offer. I work for myself in a very flexible industry. My husband works from home full-time. That was a factor in our decision, but no doubt we'll still use nursery as I'm under no illusions about our ability to work while caring for a child.

We were incredibly lucky to conceive so quickly. I know that's not the case for so many people and, given the disappointment we felt when my period came, I can see how it quickly consumes you in spite of how you may feel before trying.

Best of luck with you decision, it's not easy when you can see your life being good, fulfilled and happy with either choice.

@WhatAreWordsWorth I’m an only child too and the concept of two children (even though I’m having my second now) is really alien to me! DH things I’m weird!

All I would say is don’t bank on things being straightforward, we thought we would fall pregnant straight away but it didn’t happen like that. We did conceive naturally but 3 years wasn’t what we bargained for. You do sound ready to me.

@reprehensibleme I did read some of that thread!

To clarify, I wouldn’t be having a DC out of ‘guilt’. My own parents have made it clear that they’re not fussed about grandchildren, they’re planning on retiring abroad! They’d be happy for us, but they’re not desperate to be grandparents.

DH’s parents already have 4 grandchildren. There’s no pressure from them. We haven’t felt any pressure from anyone really.

As we all (collectively) get more and more choice, it’s natural that sometimes making the choices gets harder. Also making really big, irreversible decisions should feel scary and difficult, don’t you think? You’ve got a bit of time to mull if all over.

@AtLeastThreeDrinks I relate to every single word in your post

Our relationship is very strong, and we have really full lives (apart from my work) but we do loads of travelling, holidays, hiking, fabulous groups of friends etc. But this year we’ve found ourselves feeling like there could be ‘something else’.

When I was 30 and had been married 5 years I was also on the fence about having children. We discussed it over and over again and came to the conclusion that we would regret not trying to have kids. My dd was born when I was 34 and I'm now 38 and expecting number 2. I would say keep having the conversations with each other, you do have time in your side.

And to answer your question. Yes I had started to establish my career before children and have continued to.

Ha same OP, it was that mysterious 'something else' for us too! And likewise, neither of our parents put any pressure on –one set has two grandchildren already and honestly, I don't think anyone expected us to have kids. But when we did tell them everyone was so delighted, lots of happy tears, which was so unexpected from my normally non-emotional family!

I think the big elephant in the room is that it’s actually entirely ok not to want/have kids. It’s an incredible bind, they’re expensive, noisy, messy. Societal expectations are still that you will have/want them, but it doesn’t have to be the case.

I had both of mine before I was 30, and definitely saw a 5 year black hole in my career (it’s just recently picked up now). I love them, they’re incredible, but I do sometimes wonder. They’ve put a hell of a lot of strain on my marriage, but they could also be the glue that binds us. I just don’t know. I’m generally exhausted and don’t have time for myself. I wonder if without them we would be sad. But it’s a complex issue and it’s ok if it’s not for you.

Have you thought about looking after a young child for a friend/relative for the weekend?

It'll give you some insight and experience as to what parenting a child is like to help you in your decision making.

I think as you aren't even 30 yet, I'd put it on the back burner for 2 years, focus on getting the career going that you want, and re-visit in 2 years time when life has returned to normal and you've had time to do some travelling and other fun things first (things you can't do now due to COVID). You are still young and there is plenty of time unless you know you have fertility issues (and if you don't, it's not something I'd worry about). There is a big difference between 29 and say 33 in terms of lifestyle and being settled. So I'd see how you feel then. Fwiw, I had my first at 32 and last at 37 and that worked well for me. We both got in lots of career building and travelling first and that made a huge difference when the time came.

@Gardeniaofdelights

I’ve just had my first baby at 33, after working for a few years to establish myself in my chosen field. For me, the financial security and self esteem boost of that was really important and I’m glad I did it that way.

Me too - except at 32. It feels great knowing I have a fairly senior position to go back to after a year on mat leave.

@Flamingolingo Completely understand that it’s ok not to want/have kids. I’ve spent the last 10 years thinking that I wouldn’t. Which is why these feelings have come as a big shock and it’s really useful to speak to other people about their experiences to work out my own feelings. It is so complex trying to decide what decision to make.

@MuthaFunka61 we’ve often looked after our nieces and nephew for the day and have had them overnight a couple of times (both SIL have DC) and we enjoy it. It’s tiring but mostly fun! I appreciate that looking after them for a weekend is in no way the same as having one of your own

As pp have mentioned, I’ve also thought a lot about fertility. A friend (younger than me) has just been through IVF and I’m under no illusions about how stressful and emotionally challenging that process is. This is part of the reason why I’m struggling to decide whether to just start trying soon as you never know what’s around the corner (or if we’ll be able to conceive naturally at all).

@mindutopia I’ve been thinking of making it my mission to get a better job next year, then thinking about having DC in late 2021/early 2022 once I’m a bit more settled in a new role.

My industry hasn’t been badly affected by COVID so I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to find something.

@DrDetriment

I'm child free and a friend with kids once gave me some great advice. She said they are hard work and tiring although wonderful and lovely too. However, if you have any doubts at all and are even slightly on the fence don't have them. I didn't have them and have never regretted that decision. I know several fence sitters who did have them and who have deeply regretted it.

This. I love my children but oh my.

Your post is so so similar to my own experience, we were massively on the fence, but in the end when we pictured our late middle age it was always with adult children dropping in for Sunday dinner, being proud at graduation etc etc... So although I couldn't imagine the baby/toddler bit, everything past that was in my minds eye to a certain extent. So we decided to let nature take its course.
We now have two, first was born when I was 34 and second 2 years later. No regrets, love having them in my life though I still don't feel like a maternal sort iyswim. However I do really care how they turn out, and I love them to bits so I am a very engaged mum (same for dad) even though I've never had a broody day in my life.
It was a luxury actually because hand on heart even though I love my life and family, if the kids hadn't happened I wouldn't have minded, so conceiving was a very laid back affair (boom boom ), no cycle watching or p'ing on a stick every morning, while friends who really wanted a baby went through a tough time of anxious trying.
Career wise however, the timing wasn't brilliant as I was changing my career and my age meant I couldn't put the kids off without going older than I wanted to. Which now means that I have yet to establish my own career as in the end I didn't want to leave the kids with a young minimum wage nursery staff person when I could raise them better myself (heart choice and financial as the cost of nursery would have cancelled out my career start salary). My life has jinked in a different direction and I'm not sorry about that, you can't always control all factors.
I still intend to establish my career but I think it will be much harder now. Still no regrets.

I was at a fairly senor position in my career before I started TTC. Then I found out it was not going to be easy to conceive and spent years trying. My enjoyment of my job nose dived, though eventually managed to get pregnant and have a son. Retrained when he was a toddler.
Depends on how career focused you are, but beware this might change.

Would have serious discussions with DH about how you would split parenting - including at night - and the (significant) additional domestic work/‘mental load’, and how you’d manage your working lives, eg working hours, travel.

Many, many men who want to be and become fathers are - when it comes to it - unwilling to make many changes to their working lives.

Workwise, would just seek to progress or work towards something better asap. The work challenges are likely to continue and be made much harder by motherhood - that’s been my experience anyway!

Fertility wise, age is clearly a factor, eg miscarriage. People also have different emotional responses to fertility issues: I found it overwhelming and struggled with my mental health. I v v much wanted DC so in a similar situation to you didn’t wait to ttc, although DH and workwise waiting would’ve been better!

I was established in my career before I had children, but I also think 'established' is subjective and I plan to keep building my career. I'm glad I had the time to focus on it up until now because now I've had my daughter, my priority is going to be her now and job second. I go back to work part time in January after finishing mat leave. I plan to stay at my level for a year or two now and just try to find my feet in working and being a mum and managing a house all at once.

That said, I'd advise you to think carefully if you are on the fence about kids. I was on the fence too and eventually we did it because 'everyone else does it' and we blindly trusted it would work best out alright. Well, I had the baby and surprise surprise I was still myself! I didn't magically morph into a loved-up new mum! In fact whilst I loved my daughter in a very intuitive instinctual way, it's been really crappy being a mum so far and until very recently I completely regretted it. I wish I'd had the confidence to stay on the fence rather than assuming everything would magically be fine.

Being childfree is the best decision I ever made. Time and money for career, travel, fitness, creativity and relationships. In my mid-50s now and still very happy with my choice.

OP,
I think you need to give your career your sole focus.
The fact that you don't have any parental pressure is great.

Could you get some regular GP fertility tests to give you an idea how you are fixed.

I really believe that people can have glorious lives without children, obviously if they never wanted them.

I'm glad I have had mine but their happiness and success has definitely taken over our lives.
We just love them so much.

There are definitely times I long for the glorious, mindless selfishness that we enjoyed before children.

There always seems to be something to worry about.
I regularly have to remind myself to buck up, that we don't really have any worries.

It just seems to be who I have morphed into with kids, a bit of a worrier.

It changes the life of a woman hugely so be prepared for that.
Even when you have a good husband, we do seem to assume the mental load.

But woman who have successful careers with children have to share that load.
If they don't they risk burn out.

@PerveenMistry

Being childfree is the best decision I ever made. Time and money for career, travel, fitness, creativity and relationships. In my mid-50s now and still very happy with my choice.

I think I would have felt this way too if kids hadn't happened. No kids is a valid life choice and I would have had a different set of priorities and life outlook if they hadn't come into my life. There are many possible futures any one of which brings is own joys and difficulties. I have grass is greener moments, but I think we all do at different times for various reasons. Having kids opened a different section of my head and heart that would, I believe, have remained entirely dormant otherwise, but I'm enjoying the experience, it has developed aspects of my character I didn't expect.

If you have doubts, no.

I don't think it is that black and white. It is a leap into the unknown and no-one really knows how they will respond to it until they do it. Some people know themselves better than others or have the kind of life experiences (like helping to rear younger siblings or whatever) that mean they can take an educated guess. But there are so many aspects to having a child you can't control that anyone considering it would be mad not to have doubts, especially if you are the sort of person who usually makes carefully considered decisions and tried to control the variables. Those people who make an entirely heart-led 'no doubts about it' choice to do it aren't the sorted ones who know the magic formula, they are the ones with that kind of personality. People who make head-led decisions will often have doubts but that doesn't mean they shouldn't do it. The child's personality, possible disabilities, post natal depression, easy birth etc etc all things you can't predict and cause doubts, not necessarily an indication the life choice is not for you.

Thank you for your posts @RealisticSketch you talk a lot of sense! It definitely isn’t a black or white decision.

I’m a massive overthinker (I think about things far too much at times which can be paralysing). It’s part of the reason why my career hasn’t taken off in the way that I’d hoped - instead of just taking a leap of faith into a new job I’ve ummed and ahhed and ended up standing still. It’s something that I really want to change. Carefully considering things is good, but overthinking isn’t!