Please help me

[tryingmybest11]

I have just created this account because I just need somewhere to offload.

I am drained. I feel like I am sinking and I can’t see a way out. I feel like I am being pulled in every direction and I just need some support so please be kind.

I’m a mum to 2 children aged 2 and nearly 7. I had my first at 14 so I lost a lot of my youth. My relationship with their dad has broken down. We have split up and he has moved back to his parents. It has been like this for a year but I am still hurting. He cheated and disrespected me continuously and broke my self esteem. He plays a part but doesn’t do much. He doesn’t help financially because he picks and chooses when he wants to work and knows his parents will pick him up if he has no money, sees the kids on the weekends but won’t stick to a schedule so sometimes he will pop in for 2 hours, sometimes for the day. My children adore him. He is the fun one. He is the best thing since sliced bread in my eldests eyes and I am regularly told by her that she prefers him. She has all right to. I am miserable. All I do is shout and moan. I am tired. I get flashbacks of finding out about him cheating which led to a physical altercation with the other girl and a lot of nasty rumours whilst my youngest was only a few days old. I took him back. I tried to make it work. He just expected me to be over it and couldn’t understand why I was still sad months down the line. So he is gone. I hate him and I still have to see him and speak to him. I wish he would just disappear but my poor children would be heartbroken because they love him.

I have no money. I’m on benefits. I want to work but I have no childcare and London childcare fees are ridiculous. I don’t want to be on benefits. I want to go to work and socialise. I haven’t got a clue what I want to do with my life either. I get my universal credit and once I have paid all my bills, including my car, I have no money left. I know that I am lucky to be getting tax payers money and that if I want luxuries like new clothes, I should be working, but I can’t find a job where the hours suit around my children. I even joined seeking arrangements but chickened out when it came to the actual meeting and to be honest, I’ve put on so much weight, have completely let myself go and have no energy to even clip my toenails let alone shave my whole body to even go and meet someone to make finances less tight. I want to look after myself.

I have a council property which I know I am incredibly lucky to have got but it’s on a horrible estate, it’s tiny with no outdoor space and with all this lockdown stuff, I am feeling increasingly trapped and overwhelmed. I feel like I have no escape in here. It is two bedrooms, one double and one single. The double room fits only a double bed and a chest of drawers and the children’s room fits only a bunk bed. They have a few toys in the living room but even that is joint with the kitchen. It has electric storage heating which is costing me an arm and a leg to heat the place and I am struggling to pay for them. Not all of them even work and the council won’t fix them. It’s been a long, cold, winter. I know I’m lucky because some people don’t even have that and I am lucky that it’s secure but I just feel claustrophobic.

I have no friends. I mean I do if you count people who say they are friends but make no effort what so ever. Busy with their own lives. I might get a message on snapchat if I put up a cute video of my children. But when I do get a call it’s about them. My best friend is in a shit relationship so she’s fallen into depression and won’t answer calls or texts so I can’t lean on any friends.

I feel sad. I am resentful that my ex’s life has never changed. He cheated, got to leave the house and go back to being young and free. He can swoop in and be the fun parent and enjoy the fun times because the hard parts don’t fall on him. He doesn’t have to wake up in the night. He doesn’t have to do homework or school runs. In fact, through this pandemic, he has done absolutely nothing at all and now even the emotional strain falls on me too. I feel resentful that I’ve missed so much of my youth (my own fault for having unprotected underage sex! I thought it’s what you done when you were in ‘love’). I feel sad that I can’t give my children everything because benefits cover the essentials. I feel sad that my friends can’t see why I may be struggling and just open up a ear to listen, I would and have always gone out of my way. I feel sad that I am even feeling sorry for myself. It is silly really, I have everything to be grateful for and I don’t want to feel sad but I can’t stop! I have so many goals and dreams but they are being chipped at one by one. I have no idea where to start and how to start improving my life.

I am exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I don’t have a break. I have the kids 24/7. I feel like I have been running on nothing since I was 14 and now I’m older, I realise how stupid and young I was. Even if I got a break, I have no where to go, no money to go with, no clothes to go in and no friends to meet. Sad really, early 20’s I should be living it up and I am drowning.

And I just want this coronavirus to fuck off. I want everything to just go back to normal so at least maybe I could see a face and have a face to face chat with someone. I am so lonely. I want a cuddle. Even from a stranger. Anyone. I just want a cuddle and a chat.

AIBU to just run away? change my number and just leave for good? I don’t want to see my ex anymore. He hurt me so badly and I am still dealing with it. I’m sick of being all smiley faced to avoid arguing with him so my children don’t have to deal with the backlash. I hate him. I don’t want to be kind and let my friends come in and out as they please. I am struggling right now and they aren’t being very good friends and haven’t been since this whole pandemic. I don’t want to listen to Boris Johnson anymore - I know it must be stressful for him trying to sort everything but I can’t take the lockdown, not lockdown, kind of normal, not normal again stuff. It is giving me such anxiety.

Can anyone tell me they’ve been in the same position? They’ve had children young, lost their identity, come back, found themselves, got a good job, got a nice home, come off of benefits, met a loving partner despite having children already. Please. I need to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel because right now, life feels so overwhelming and I’m struggling.

I don’t know if I’m even allowed to post this here but if I’m not, please tell me where I can. Thank you so much if you got to the end of this.

Have you family who can support you?

HI. Sorry to hear things are feeling bad. Have you thought about asking job centre/careers advisor for help to get back to work or a training course. I know probably not the right time now but perhaps when things calm down. My friend did a course that worked round school and nursery. Something like 10 to 2 and then did volunteering work in a shop. The job centre sorted it all. Again it was school hours and she got travel paid. Not sure when your little one is 3 or goes to nursery now. Did her the world of good and helped her get a job. Some charity jobs let you do flexible hours too.

Yes it can be done.
But you need to take that first step ...... And that is to end your relationship with the man child who is living the life of Reilly.
Get rid of him. Then take some time to get used to being without him and I promise you that you will then emerge refreshed and re-engerised and will find a path for you and your kids.

You have blessings and good things in your life but the relationship is overshadowing it all. Soon you'll feel freeer and be able to see the good things in your life and change the not so good.

You sound so lovely
And you come across as having drive and ambition for you and your kids

Do you have family close by ?
I think it would be an idea to get him to take the children out when he sees them. Do not let him see them at yours as you need time alone.

Morning my lovely, please don’t feel bad about asking for help, you’ve done the right thing. I haven’t been in your position myself, but it does sound really hard and I’m not surprised you’re struggling to cope right now. So many great women will be along to give you some advice, this is a fantastic supportive community.

Firstly, go easy on yourself, you are doing your absolute best in a shit situation. All we can all do right now is just hang in there until this COVID shit show is over.

I wish I had some great advice to give you, I just want to give you a big hug and tell you it will all be ok, you’re not much older than my daughter, and you’ve so much responsibility. Are your parents any help? Hang in there OP

Let me tell you OP that you are amazing.
You are eloquent and thoughtful. You describe your unhappy life but you are intelligent and perceptive.

This is a really difficult stage in your life and your world might feel claustrophobic at the moment but it won’t always be like this.

Try to get a bit of happiness from small things. Walking in the park, cooking a nice dinner, watching a film...

Take advantage of food and clothing banks. You sound very grateful for the financial help you get. Remember, you have years ahead of you and you can ‘give back’ and contribute in the future. At the moment people want to help you.

Don’t worry about your useless ex. Let him be the ‘Disney-Dad’. Your DC will see what is happening when they get a bit older. Concentrate on your relationship with your family & DC ❤️

I was similar but a little older (19)
You can get out of it , it's hard on your own.
Ask your health visitor to refer you to a family support worker.
Speak to a local councillor about your heating , are you entitled to a warm homes grant ?
Have you got any family , Mum or sister you can talk to ?

No wonder you are overwhelmed. The whole situation at the moment is overwhelming and you have managed in really tough circumstances.

Do you have family nearby?

What work do you want to do or can do? What are your goals and dreams?

What about your parents?

Council house swap?

What about getting some qualifications and training up in something?

Have you spoken to Gingerbread the charity for single parents?

I agree with @Twistered.
Forget ex, he's just a co parent now.
In fact for a few years think of yourself and dc, you are still so young and an education and a job will improve your life more than any man can.
Write a list with small goals and also more ambitious goals.
Start ticking things off.
Clipped toenails - tick.
Ate healthily - tick.
Read a self help book - tick.

You look after two small dc and manage your home and finances everyday.
That is an achievement not to be underestimated.
You will get to where you want to be eventually.
Good luck.

Not me but my best friend was in the same situation at you, had a kid at 17. The dad was abusive and she eventually told him to move out but her daughter was absolutely besotted with him so she kept up the pretence of a friendship for her daughter's sake.

She had some really tough years but she's in her early thirties now and happy. Once her daughter got to about 10 she realised her dad was a waste of space and wants little to do with him now. My friend has found an amazing boyfriend who also had kids really young (and is a good dad!). She spent her evenings training to be an accountant and now makes enough money to mean they can pay all the bills and still go on holiday etc.

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time but just wanted to give you a bit of hope that you can turn it around

I have my mum, my older sister and older brother. They all helped me so much because I was so young when I had my eldest but they both work long hours and have their own lives. My mum was a single parent to us 3 and she’s just trying to get her own life back. I can’t burden her with mine anymore plus my mum isn’t really seeing any of us because since this whole pandemic, her job (social worker) has got a lot busier than it was previously.

I did have a look at some courses. But because of this pandemic, a lot of them are being held online. I just want to get out.

I’m not in a relationship with the kids dad anymore. But I definitely agree he has it so easy. I guess I just don’t want them to not have their dad because they love him so much. He says he can’t have them overnight because there’s too many people in his house. He has offered to stay at mine but I just can’t do that. It will set me back and I do not trust him to stay here without me here.

Thank you all for responding , I can’t work out how to tag you individually. But thank you xx

Aww I just responded to the first three and I’ve seen more replies. Hold on, I will read them now x

You will get support and advice here OP. Keep posting. Maybe move this or repost in Lone Parents/ relationships.
AIBU can get a bit tricky.
But you are not alone. Things will get better.
Have you got any family?

You sound brave, sensible and capable. Your kids are lucky to have you.
I agree that once you fully let go of the relationship you’ll start to feel better.
You sound a bit self-blaming and I don’t think you should. Benefits and council housing are part of a civilised society, you don’t have to be grateful or justify yourself and shame on anyone who says you do. You are working 24 hrs a day to bring up your children, that is valuable work.
I do know of people who have had children young and gone on to be successful. It certainly can be done!

Sorry you are feeling so lonely at the moment. A good place to start would be with a few hours volunteering to fit around school and nursery. It will help you long term with getting a job and short term with a bit of socialising.
Also maybe see if there is a course/ group you can join during the day while the kids are out or online in the evening. I'm guessing that because of starting with children early you will have struggled to get many qualifications so why not have go now. Around me a lot of the courses are free to people without income and start in January.
You'll be ok. Its just a really hard time at the moment.

Hi I meant courses out the house not on line but obviously that's hard at the moment. Probably now allowing it at the moment but could you volunteer at a local school too that would get you out .

Aw sweetheart it sounds so hard. You are really doing your best for your kids and for sure when they look back they will see he just drifted in and out and you were their rock.
I'd look at college courses even on line for now it will let you use your brain snd distract you and make you feel like you are taking that first step. When things get a bit more back to normal they often have crèches etc.
What is your dream job? Maybe look at this weird time as chance to plan what you need to get it and do research on it. No one can really help with getting out and mixing, it's really rubbish snd must be lonely. Maybe try call a few friends, you might find some are being useless because they are struggling like you.
I hope things get better for you xx

Mum is SW, she is will know professionally what help is available. She can signpost that you are getting the correct benefits and to support groups. Apart from that, sad to say you are in this for another 18+ years and you need to channel the good standard of written English into ideas how to move forward once your youngest starts school. What level of education do you have? Can you do an Access course, get to Uni? Is this even an ambition?

Why don't you seek help from Home Start or Gingerbread? Both organisations would be able to offer you support, advice etc
I was in a similar position to you many years ago and there are some amazing organisations out there, that are often the starting point for life getting better.

Would you like to return to education at some point? You write really well and further education could fit in with your dcs routine etc especially once they are both at school full time.

As for your ex, it sounds like you need something formal in place, it's not fair on you if his contact is in your home. You need a break and your dc need a regular routine. He may well be viewed as the fun parent at the moment but in time your dc will see things more clearly. My two are older teens now and while they love their dad they have learnt for themselves that he's not as marvellous as they thought he was when they were younger!

Keeping talking on here op

Make a plan life plan - get your qualifications so you can get onto an access to university course - it's hard going to university as a parent but plenty do and universities have family accommodation (or go to a London university) you'll get childcare help and you are giving yourself and your kids a future. As for your ex, go through cms, they will make him pay a nominal amount even if he's unemployed, and tell him to write a child access plan, minimum of eow plus one night per week to give you a break (he doesn't get to come into your house, he takes them overnight to his!)

Oh op, I'm early 20s with 3 youngsters also on benefits because after my second, nursery fees were double what I earned ? Makes no sence at all and now they have fallen really ill so it's a lot of pressure on me to be strong. I totally get your feelings
My partner also cheated with a girl I went to school with, I can't get over. It and never will it's always their. He was my first love but lately iv been making sure I am getting myself back and he is mortified about this lol I don't take no shit no more. I do and wear what I want. Although I am a single parent in a relationship, I'm making the most of it! I just try to change my way of thinking and make positive notes and go to bed with positive thinkings for the next day and we get up an do fun things now, we're as before I could barely roll out of bed!
I have been on seeking arrangements to and a few others, only thing is I'd never be able do it because I'm still with their dad"
Instead of using the car all the time try to walk more and save abit of extra money from fuel - maybe £20 a month just a little bit - then go treat yourself , little blow dry, nails done, save for a nice new item you want
Tell your ex if he wants to be a dad he has to support you financially to because clothes, Nappys and food cost a fortune and then when he can do that he can come see the girls an be a dad. He has it way to easy!
I'm always a message away if you need me xx

And for what it's worth, you sound absolutely lovely!

One thing that jumped out from your post is that you have ambition. You want to do better. And that’s half the battle. May I ask if you have any qualifications? And what your interests are?

OP did you manage to finish school at all?

If not can you talk to social worker etc about whether there are any options for educational courses you could take?

Your 2 year old should be eligible for free childcare & your 7 year old is at school, so start with yourself. I know it's difficult living on benefits but for now, take some time to make up your lost years of education.

That will open the door for better opportunities. You have 3 or so years until your youngest starts school - use it to try and get a few qualifications and give yourself more choice work wise. There is more and more remote work available that is easier to fit around children, also you will eligible for a lot of help with childcare costs.

London is expensive but it's also a growing city with loads of career possibility - see the positives.

Oh and ditch the useless ex. If he wants to see the kids, make him take them out properly and give you time for yourself.