Please help me

[tryingmybest11]

I have just created this account because I just need somewhere to offload.

I am drained. I feel like I am sinking and I can’t see a way out. I feel like I am being pulled in every direction and I just need some support so please be kind.

I’m a mum to 2 children aged 2 and nearly 7. I had my first at 14 so I lost a lot of my youth. My relationship with their dad has broken down. We have split up and he has moved back to his parents. It has been like this for a year but I am still hurting. He cheated and disrespected me continuously and broke my self esteem. He plays a part but doesn’t do much. He doesn’t help financially because he picks and chooses when he wants to work and knows his parents will pick him up if he has no money, sees the kids on the weekends but won’t stick to a schedule so sometimes he will pop in for 2 hours, sometimes for the day. My children adore him. He is the fun one. He is the best thing since sliced bread in my eldests eyes and I am regularly told by her that she prefers him. She has all right to. I am miserable. All I do is shout and moan. I am tired. I get flashbacks of finding out about him cheating which led to a physical altercation with the other girl and a lot of nasty rumours whilst my youngest was only a few days old. I took him back. I tried to make it work. He just expected me to be over it and couldn’t understand why I was still sad months down the line. So he is gone. I hate him and I still have to see him and speak to him. I wish he would just disappear but my poor children would be heartbroken because they love him.

I have no money. I’m on benefits. I want to work but I have no childcare and London childcare fees are ridiculous. I don’t want to be on benefits. I want to go to work and socialise. I haven’t got a clue what I want to do with my life either. I get my universal credit and once I have paid all my bills, including my car, I have no money left. I know that I am lucky to be getting tax payers money and that if I want luxuries like new clothes, I should be working, but I can’t find a job where the hours suit around my children. I even joined seeking arrangements but chickened out when it came to the actual meeting and to be honest, I’ve put on so much weight, have completely let myself go and have no energy to even clip my toenails let alone shave my whole body to even go and meet someone to make finances less tight. I want to look after myself.

I have a council property which I know I am incredibly lucky to have got but it’s on a horrible estate, it’s tiny with no outdoor space and with all this lockdown stuff, I am feeling increasingly trapped and overwhelmed. I feel like I have no escape in here. It is two bedrooms, one double and one single. The double room fits only a double bed and a chest of drawers and the children’s room fits only a bunk bed. They have a few toys in the living room but even that is joint with the kitchen. It has electric storage heating which is costing me an arm and a leg to heat the place and I am struggling to pay for them. Not all of them even work and the council won’t fix them. It’s been a long, cold, winter. I know I’m lucky because some people don’t even have that and I am lucky that it’s secure but I just feel claustrophobic.

I have no friends. I mean I do if you count people who say they are friends but make no effort what so ever. Busy with their own lives. I might get a message on snapchat if I put up a cute video of my children. But when I do get a call it’s about them. My best friend is in a shit relationship so she’s fallen into depression and won’t answer calls or texts so I can’t lean on any friends.

I feel sad. I am resentful that my ex’s life has never changed. He cheated, got to leave the house and go back to being young and free. He can swoop in and be the fun parent and enjoy the fun times because the hard parts don’t fall on him. He doesn’t have to wake up in the night. He doesn’t have to do homework or school runs. In fact, through this pandemic, he has done absolutely nothing at all and now even the emotional strain falls on me too. I feel resentful that I’ve missed so much of my youth (my own fault for having unprotected underage sex! I thought it’s what you done when you were in ‘love’). I feel sad that I can’t give my children everything because benefits cover the essentials. I feel sad that my friends can’t see why I may be struggling and just open up a ear to listen, I would and have always gone out of my way. I feel sad that I am even feeling sorry for myself. It is silly really, I have everything to be grateful for and I don’t want to feel sad but I can’t stop! I have so many goals and dreams but they are being chipped at one by one. I have no idea where to start and how to start improving my life.

I am exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I don’t have a break. I have the kids 24/7. I feel like I have been running on nothing since I was 14 and now I’m older, I realise how stupid and young I was. Even if I got a break, I have no where to go, no money to go with, no clothes to go in and no friends to meet. Sad really, early 20’s I should be living it up and I am drowning.

And I just want this coronavirus to fuck off. I want everything to just go back to normal so at least maybe I could see a face and have a face to face chat with someone. I am so lonely. I want a cuddle. Even from a stranger. Anyone. I just want a cuddle and a chat.

AIBU to just run away? change my number and just leave for good? I don’t want to see my ex anymore. He hurt me so badly and I am still dealing with it. I’m sick of being all smiley faced to avoid arguing with him so my children don’t have to deal with the backlash. I hate him. I don’t want to be kind and let my friends come in and out as they please. I am struggling right now and they aren’t being very good friends and haven’t been since this whole pandemic. I don’t want to listen to Boris Johnson anymore - I know it must be stressful for him trying to sort everything but I can’t take the lockdown, not lockdown, kind of normal, not normal again stuff. It is giving me such anxiety.

Can anyone tell me they’ve been in the same position? They’ve had children young, lost their identity, come back, found themselves, got a good job, got a nice home, come off of benefits, met a loving partner despite having children already. Please. I need to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel because right now, life feels so overwhelming and I’m struggling.

I don’t know if I’m even allowed to post this here but if I’m not, please tell me where I can. Thank you so much if you got to the end of this.

Why don’t you say you’ll bring the kids to him instead of him coming to yours? Then you can drop them off and say you have to go to something like a doctor’s appointment and have to leave now, and then you avoid him coming into your house. And you can arrive at a set time. Who else lives there? His parents? If so, great! If he’s not there but they are, you say X promised to be here to look after his children, you have an appointment so can’t stay, leave them there and go. Their grandparents can look after them and give him an earful when he shows up.

Hey OP
I’m a single parent but aged 47 !
You know despite working on
Myself
Therapy
Parenting courses
Freedom programme
Medication

I’ve hit a low this weekend
I keep screaming at my
Youngest then I hate myself

Both my kids are really anxious and cooped up
The news doesn’t help

So it’s really really tough , and I don’t have your situation financially

We all need hope
HOPE
And take one day at a time

Your kids will attend school
You will study and get a job
You won’t be there forever

I’m the meantime I thanks god I’m on medication

Have hope
One day at a time

It’s a tough time OP. Reach out to your friends even a txt saying you feel so down and fed up and you could do with a chat. People can get so caught up their own lives and easily forget others.

I think a lot of mums feel angry that men get the bests parts and there’s not always much change to their lives compared to the mothers. Hang in their OP. My DS has also come home saying “his dads house is better/fun too” do not take it to heart children are innocent and lack full understanding.

Can you make a CV? Apply on NHS site for jobs. Receptionist? Home care you have a car? Support worker with disabilities?

Did you go to college OP?

Hon you'll get there. You've had your kids young so you will have time when they're older to do the things you want to do.

Stop blaming yourself for getting pregnant young. You were little more than a child yourself and you're living with the consequences of that but it's not your fault. You sound like you're doing a great job.

Lose the hangers on. Stop letting ex partner see the kids at your house. You don't need to let him in it's your home not his. If he wants time with the kids he should take them out, maybe visit his parents and give you some alone time. If he won't do it then he doesn't see them end of discussion.

Do you have any ideas what you would like to do in a future job? This will help tailor the advice you get on here. What do you like to do? What are you good at? You can start preparing now.

Blimey Op you have already done amazingly well. If you were my daughter I would be proud of you. And I would want to know if you were struggling too.

Re The Princes Trust, they helped my dd get work earlier this year. She also was able to meet her mentor face to face.

I'm not going to give you advice because you have had so much already but I wish you the very best of luck.

What struck me about your post was your maturity and determination to change things. These are qualities some people twice your age don’t have.
You will get to where you want to be.
The first step is find something for you. Due to lockdown, it might just be a hobby you can do at home/learn online. But make sure you have time to do something you’ve always enjoyed.
Also, are there any single parents Facebook groups you could join? There is one called single parents in SE London if that’s where you live?
Once lockdown is over, I’d recommend getting out and joining groups. If you are in London, you are in a good position as there are loads of groups. I bet there are loads of young mums out there who are in the same boat.
Good luck!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone again for responding to my post. I was extremely upset this morning and just needed to get it all out. Sometimes I think I am a little hard on myself, I guess I just feel guilty that my children haven’t got everything that they would have if I had waited and had them in a more stable way. I also put pressure on myself to do more than what I’m doing. I’m so grateful that I have access to benefits and I was very lucky that I was able to get a council flat in London but I know in my heart that I can do more (not that there is anything wrong with being in a council property or being on benefits!) and I have hopes to have my own home one day that I can do whatever I like to and I have a job that I love and can have a little bit more disposable income. All of the advice, the kind messages, the success stories and the words of encouragement have all been taken in and I appreciate all the responses.

I’m glad I’m not alone in finding being an adult and a parent difficult. I honestly wish I hadn’t caused my mum so much grief when I was younger because this is far from easy. I didn’t even realise adults had to pay for water. My mum always made it look so easy.

I have send a message to my ex’s mum and told her that I will bring the children on a Wednesday morning and pick them up at 6pm every Wednesday so my ex has a chance to do dinner and bath time and we can gradually build up to more time. She has read it but not responded yet. It makes me a bit nervous because I can just imagine them all discussing it and him telling her to ignore it. I didn’t message him directly because he will just tell me no anyway so I’m hoping that going through her will be easier. I’m going to add myself to the lone parents board so I can have some advice about how to deal with him. I know I need a break, I make life too easy for him and he is getting the best of both worlds. Everyone thinks he’s an amazing dad because he’s always posting them on Snapchat and Instagram and they adore him.

There is lots to do in London usually, this coronavirus has just put a lot on hold which has just made me (and probably a lot of others) really anxious. My little girl is 7 in February which makes me anxious too because I feel like time is running out for me to give her everything and every year she is getting closer to being a teenager.

Someone asked me to write a list of what I want to achieve so I’ve written it and posted it here;

1. Meal plan and stick to it to avoid overspending.

1. Find an online self-esteem course to work on how I feel about myself.

1. Do one bit of self care a week like shaving my armpits, cutting my nails, steaming my skin.

1. Look for a positive in every negative. This is something my mum is amazing at and has always tried to instil in me.

1. Put away the photos of me and my ex. I need to let go. Having got this rant out I realised that he is the biggest problem. I need to take the photos down from my house and stop trying to be his ‘friend’. I guess I’ve kept him sweet because I didn’t want him to dislike me (I don’t know why!) but I shouldn’t really care if he does. (Hopefully the single parents board will help me)

1. Write down 3 goals for my future that I want to achieve by the time I’m 25. Even if they are small.

Thank you all again xx

(((Hugs OP)))))
You sound lovely and so does your mum. I think you should have an honest chat with your mum and tell her what you've told us that she made it all look so easy, and you wish you hadn't been a nightmare. She would love to know that. Lean on her a bit. She may be stressed with work but believe me she'd be gutted if she thought you were keeping things from her because of that.

Can you ask your mum to support you in your dealings with your ex? Eg have her there when he comes to see /pick up the kids? Not to intervene just to have a supportive back up to make you feel stronger.

It's normal to want to keep the relationship with the father of your kids sweet. Loads of us do it thinking it's the best thing and it's not age related. One day you will realise that you don't need to do it anymore and goldenballs will get a bit of a shock.

Sometimes I think I am a little hard on myself, I guess I just feel guilty that my children haven’t got everything that they would have if I had waited and had them in a more stable way.

That is the understatement of the year!
You might not have money but your children have a Mum who is worth her weight in gold. You have achieved so much already!

You are so level headed, mature and sensible. Please don't envy other people your age. Believe me, you are doing the hard work now and will most definitely reap your rewards in life.

Your list is brilliant! Don't let your ex dominate your mind.
You can be polite and friendly to him but cut him off emotionally in your head. Concentrate entirely on yourself, your DC and the people who love you.

There is lots to do in London usually, this coronavirus has just put a lot on hold which has just made me (and probably a lot of others) really anxious. My little girl is 7 in February which makes me anxious too because I feel like time is running out for me to give her everything and every year she is getting closer to being a teenager.

Children need love, attention and the small things in life. Explore London with her over the next few years.
Visit every free park, museum, gallery and lido when they re-open and learn stuff together!
It can be an amazing adventure!

Hello I'm sorry you're feeling this way but you know it's the first step in the right direction. You know that you want a better life for you and your lovely children. It might be a bit hard but it will be worth it, you just need to persevere and reach out for help.

Here are a few links that might help:

www.home-start.org.uk/
Get in touch with Homestart, they're brilliant & can provide practical help & support

free online courses

free childcare for 2 Yr old

Yes just to add to what previous posters have said, London in normal times is the most amazing place to bring up children. So much can be done for free, museums, parks, galleries. Things will get better 😊

OP your post really got to me. I'm so sorry you are suffering and having to deal with so many challenges in your young life.

You seem to have been getting a lot of good practical advice on here...only thing I'd add is that you ARE young and life is still waiting ahead for you to live it in a way that will make you feel happy and fulfilled. Keep that hope, it will be hard while your DC are little and there is a pandemic...but both these situations will change and you will have more freedom and opportunities open to you.

to you. You sound like an amazing mum and young woman.

Just read the full thread and just want to say you sound like an amazing mother and I'm sure your family must be very proud of you.

I can't believe your ex's family are enabling this behaviour. I'd be so ashamed if my son ended up like him.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Check that you're on the best deals for utilities, mobile providers etc. Swapping can save you money.

Put a claim in for CMS and consider using a contact centre for visits with your children's father.

Open University might be free or subsidised for those on benefits. Do enquire because registration for courses starting in Feb ends on 14th January.

www.open.ac.uk/

Enquire about the free childcare as that will be a game changer for you. When I wasn't working, I'd go to my local college training salon and get beauty & hair treatments done by final year students for a massive discount.

There is so much better out there for you! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time

You sound like a fantastic mother, your children are lucky to have you. There's some great advice on this thread from posters who know much more than me. Just wanted to chip in - the ex definitely sounds like the biggest problem here. It's ok to put boundaries in there. Your children need a mother who is strong and well too. Hope you are able to speak with your mother too, I'm sure she would do everything she could to help out.

Op, well done for texting his mum. Anytime you text her, text him as well. Just in case you need to prove that you have communicated with him about making arrangements for him to see DC.

Please, try not to imagine how your text may be received.. I know it is difficult but please try because that would weaken you.

When you communicate with him even if you get no response, take DC there to drop off. Always make a note (date and time) that you took them to his.

They will not take you serious unless you take yourself serious. And I can tell you now, it will not be easy and it is very scary... but the rewards are worth it.

If he will not set up regular contact with his DC with you amicably then he will have to go through the courts. And with your records that you have kept, it will be clear that you have not tried to keep the children away from him.

He may be strong-willed but that is nothing against a mother who is trying to do better for her DC. He can't keep treating you like that. If he comes banging on the door don't open it.

Ignore what some friends and family may say, people always have a lot to say when it isn't their own lives. Don't be afraid to drop friends and family that are not supportive. Trust me, it makes space for more supportive people to come into your life.

I am older than you, with 3 DC and coming out the other side from a DV marriage. I identify with every emotion, fear, anxiety and scenario you have detailed. It is not an age-related thing at all. STBXH is very abusive and strong-willed. His family are very in your face and come together like a pack... He also turned up at will whenever he wanted, when through my cupboards and fridge... Ignored me. His family had lots to say, some of my family too. Some friends felt I deserved what I was going through because they felt I should have stayed for the children.

I had to take myself seriously and they eventually fell in line. The first day I put on the chain and didn't let him him, I was shaking like a leaf in the wind... I could hear my own teeth. He banged on the door and screamed for over an hour. The next day, the same. The police were called. The day that after he came twice. The police were called again. DC were scared and asked why mummy is stopping Daddy. He still didn't keep to scheduled visits and my name was mud but I stood my ground.

The first step is always hardest but if he doesn't take you serious, he will take a judge serious.

Good idea to have a family member or friend with you for moral support at pick ups/drop-offs.

It will get better. It will.

Nothing worthwhile to add to all the good advice OP, just sending a virtual hug in the hope it helps a bit x

Best of luck to you OP. You have enormous amounts of love for your children and ambition for your future. Small steps to value and love yourself will continue to move you to a much brighter future. Your ex controlled your past. Don't let him interfere with your future. You are a bright young lady. Don't look backwards. Well done on trying to take control. Ensure he sees the children away from your home. Wishing you and your children a a happy Christmas. Xx

I see you have some fantastic advice, I have nothing else to add except to say: Bloody hell I wish I was as mature and articulate as you at 21!!! You will go far OP, what an amazing fighting spirit!

Hello my love. It’s such a hard time at the moment and you sound like you are doing fantastically well- I’m sending you a big hug.

This might not be the right thing for you but one option you might think about is getting in contact with one of your local churches/religious centres - you could look for one that has a youngish congregation. You can reach out to them via phone or email and just let someone there know what is going on. I’m sure you would find a lot of support there if you wanted. Of course this might be totally wrong for you so I hope I’ve not offended you. I just know how supportive such communities can be in hard times. You don’t need to be religious at all - at the moment it’s just about having a community and feeling like you aren’t alone. It’s a thought love.

Good luck and hope you feel a bit better after reading these posts x

You are doing amazing well, I would never have had the maturity to deal with what you are at your age.

OU is the perfect option for you, you can do teaching qualifications with them, others have mentioned it may be free if you’re on benefits but even if it’s not it’s covered by student loan so you don’t have to pay anything up front.

You have decided that it is over with exp and I agree remove all trace of him from the house, this is now your space, if he wants to see the kids he has to make proper arrangements and it can not be at your house.

If he hasn’t returned his key, either change the locks or get a chain.

Agree to communicate with him through an email or text that you will check at specific times and beyond those, block him on everything. He’s got too used to weaselling his way into your life.

When you’ve made arrangements with him for regular consistent access and child support, you can then find time for your study when he has the kids.

If you want to study to be a teacher, do it, you can also look for part time work as a teaching assistant which will link in perfectly with your course.

Start to develop your life where his only connection to it is co parenting at agreed times.

Good luck

My goodness OP, I'm so impressed by you. I'd be proud if your were my DD. It's ok to feel like things are too hard, from time to time. We can't be positive all the time, faced with what you have on your plate. I would so like to give you a hug, make you a cup of tea, and let you moan and complain to your hearts content. You deserve to be cared for. I'd say, "everyone does" but I'm not sure about your ex!