Please help me

[tryingmybest11]

I have just created this account because I just need somewhere to offload.

I am drained. I feel like I am sinking and I can’t see a way out. I feel like I am being pulled in every direction and I just need some support so please be kind.

I’m a mum to 2 children aged 2 and nearly 7. I had my first at 14 so I lost a lot of my youth. My relationship with their dad has broken down. We have split up and he has moved back to his parents. It has been like this for a year but I am still hurting. He cheated and disrespected me continuously and broke my self esteem. He plays a part but doesn’t do much. He doesn’t help financially because he picks and chooses when he wants to work and knows his parents will pick him up if he has no money, sees the kids on the weekends but won’t stick to a schedule so sometimes he will pop in for 2 hours, sometimes for the day. My children adore him. He is the fun one. He is the best thing since sliced bread in my eldests eyes and I am regularly told by her that she prefers him. She has all right to. I am miserable. All I do is shout and moan. I am tired. I get flashbacks of finding out about him cheating which led to a physical altercation with the other girl and a lot of nasty rumours whilst my youngest was only a few days old. I took him back. I tried to make it work. He just expected me to be over it and couldn’t understand why I was still sad months down the line. So he is gone. I hate him and I still have to see him and speak to him. I wish he would just disappear but my poor children would be heartbroken because they love him.

I have no money. I’m on benefits. I want to work but I have no childcare and London childcare fees are ridiculous. I don’t want to be on benefits. I want to go to work and socialise. I haven’t got a clue what I want to do with my life either. I get my universal credit and once I have paid all my bills, including my car, I have no money left. I know that I am lucky to be getting tax payers money and that if I want luxuries like new clothes, I should be working, but I can’t find a job where the hours suit around my children. I even joined seeking arrangements but chickened out when it came to the actual meeting and to be honest, I’ve put on so much weight, have completely let myself go and have no energy to even clip my toenails let alone shave my whole body to even go and meet someone to make finances less tight. I want to look after myself.

I have a council property which I know I am incredibly lucky to have got but it’s on a horrible estate, it’s tiny with no outdoor space and with all this lockdown stuff, I am feeling increasingly trapped and overwhelmed. I feel like I have no escape in here. It is two bedrooms, one double and one single. The double room fits only a double bed and a chest of drawers and the children’s room fits only a bunk bed. They have a few toys in the living room but even that is joint with the kitchen. It has electric storage heating which is costing me an arm and a leg to heat the place and I am struggling to pay for them. Not all of them even work and the council won’t fix them. It’s been a long, cold, winter. I know I’m lucky because some people don’t even have that and I am lucky that it’s secure but I just feel claustrophobic.

I have no friends. I mean I do if you count people who say they are friends but make no effort what so ever. Busy with their own lives. I might get a message on snapchat if I put up a cute video of my children. But when I do get a call it’s about them. My best friend is in a shit relationship so she’s fallen into depression and won’t answer calls or texts so I can’t lean on any friends.

I feel sad. I am resentful that my ex’s life has never changed. He cheated, got to leave the house and go back to being young and free. He can swoop in and be the fun parent and enjoy the fun times because the hard parts don’t fall on him. He doesn’t have to wake up in the night. He doesn’t have to do homework or school runs. In fact, through this pandemic, he has done absolutely nothing at all and now even the emotional strain falls on me too. I feel resentful that I’ve missed so much of my youth (my own fault for having unprotected underage sex! I thought it’s what you done when you were in ‘love’). I feel sad that I can’t give my children everything because benefits cover the essentials. I feel sad that my friends can’t see why I may be struggling and just open up a ear to listen, I would and have always gone out of my way. I feel sad that I am even feeling sorry for myself. It is silly really, I have everything to be grateful for and I don’t want to feel sad but I can’t stop! I have so many goals and dreams but they are being chipped at one by one. I have no idea where to start and how to start improving my life.

I am exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I don’t have a break. I have the kids 24/7. I feel like I have been running on nothing since I was 14 and now I’m older, I realise how stupid and young I was. Even if I got a break, I have no where to go, no money to go with, no clothes to go in and no friends to meet. Sad really, early 20’s I should be living it up and I am drowning.

And I just want this coronavirus to fuck off. I want everything to just go back to normal so at least maybe I could see a face and have a face to face chat with someone. I am so lonely. I want a cuddle. Even from a stranger. Anyone. I just want a cuddle and a chat.

AIBU to just run away? change my number and just leave for good? I don’t want to see my ex anymore. He hurt me so badly and I am still dealing with it. I’m sick of being all smiley faced to avoid arguing with him so my children don’t have to deal with the backlash. I hate him. I don’t want to be kind and let my friends come in and out as they please. I am struggling right now and they aren’t being very good friends and haven’t been since this whole pandemic. I don’t want to listen to Boris Johnson anymore - I know it must be stressful for him trying to sort everything but I can’t take the lockdown, not lockdown, kind of normal, not normal again stuff. It is giving me such anxiety.

Can anyone tell me they’ve been in the same position? They’ve had children young, lost their identity, come back, found themselves, got a good job, got a nice home, come off of benefits, met a loving partner despite having children already. Please. I need to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel because right now, life feels so overwhelming and I’m struggling.

I don’t know if I’m even allowed to post this here but if I’m not, please tell me where I can. Thank you so much if you got to the end of this.

I know it seems bleak at the moment. But it will get better. The virus will be conquered, and you will move forward. Find a mentor if you can - someone with whom you can explore what your goals could be. Take this time when it is impossible to do anything and have a really good think about where you want to be in 5 years time and make a plan to get there. You can and will do it. I am living proof of that. ❤️

Oh op what a lot going on. Firstly make sure you are getting maintenance off their dad.
Secondly if you are on uc the job centre will be the best place for courses etc.
Thirdly being a single mother is fucking tough. I've been there but the satisfaction knowing that you are putting a roof over their heads, tucking them into bed at night and being there every day is enough to keep you going.
Obviously everything is made so much worse by the pandemic and I know its completely different to having people in real life but keep posting on here. Someone is normally around for a chat. Try to get out and about every day. Wrap up warm and walk about looking at the xmas lights etc.
Life does get easier as they grow up I promise. You've got the ambition to get out there and make something of your life so dont let anything stop you. Decide where you want to be in 5 years and make a plan. Good luck

Hi,
You've already been given some lovely advice. But your post really touched me, you are obviously in a difficult place in your life but as others have said you sound so articulate and intelligent. You definitely have a bright future, please don't give up. Maybe look into some volunteering if you just want to get out? Food banks etc. Or speak to some charities to see if there are any opportunities, also have a think about where you want to be for work? You could maybe do an access course while your LO is at home and maybe a more full on course when they are both at school? All NHS courses have burseries now and no fee's.
Please also speak to your Mum, I'm sure she will be happy to lend an ear if you need to off load. I know you feel you have wasted your young years, but you are still so young! Are you 21/22?think about it this way, you could use your 20's to establish a career and have so much time to be successful and enjoy yourself. Anyway I'll stop rambling now. Lots
of love and best wishes for the new year xx

You're going to be ok. I can tell by your eloquence, empathy and resilient tone.
Dont let your ex come in your house- he needs to take them out. Plus for more time in the week so maybe you could get a job. You should still put in a claim for child maintenance even if it's a few quid a week.
You will be fine- more than fine. You're so young as are your children.

Hi OP, firstly a big BIG hug for you.

Spidermomma talks real sense - can you print her message out or photograph it so you can read it when you need it?

You mentioned being grateful for lots of things - do make a list of those things too, and stick it up to remind yourself.

You have the power to turn this around OP. Can you also list some things you'd like to do or achieve, or that would be fun with the kids? Do one every week.

Please contact Gingerbread - www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/young-single-parents/

And Home Start - www.home-start.org.uk/supporting-young-mothers

And do talk to your mum - are you bubbled with her or someone else? As a single parent you can bubble with another household.

I have a book that might help, which I would love to send you if I could. If you'd like me to it's this - it's about rebuilding your life after a relationship break down.

www.amazon.co.uk/Break-up-Crisis-Confidence-recover-break-up/dp/1838044507?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Just send me a DM if you'd like it.

We'll done for reaching out for help OP. XX

Thank you so much for your messages. They have honestly put a smile on my face.

I have looked at mutual exchanges but I live in an estate in Hackney in London and lots of people turn their noses up at it because of its previous reputation. I am ok here for now, I have high hopes of buying my own place out of London one day and I’m lucky that my rent is cheap here for the mean time.

My ex says he needs time because he was young. I was 13 when I found out I was pregnant with our eldest and 14 when I had her. He was 16 when I had her. I know I need to not care about what he’s doing. It doesn’t help when my friends tell me they’ve seen him at parties etc. Or when he comes round with his expensive clothes and trainers. He had the cheek to say to me the other day that I’m never dressed when he comes and that I needed to take better care of my hair. He doesn’t listen when I tell him to stop going in my cupboards. He comes and acts like he still lives here. Asks me why I never have any nice snacks etc. He’ll sit and have conversations with his multiple girlfriends whilst I’m there. I know I’m better off without him. I don’t even think I love him. He’s so smug. He believes that I’m still crazy in love with him. He will make jokes about it. Says if he’s not taken in 5 years then maybe he will have me back or he says things like you know you’ll always be my favourite like I’d ever want him. I try and just take his comments as banter but I know he means them. He just makes me so angry now that I don’t even want to be around him but I just try and smile for my children. I hope you are all right that they will see for themselves.

I did manage to finish school, I got good GCSE’s. I went to college and got a BTEC level 3 in health and social care and then I done a course in mentoring. I wanted to go to university to be a teacher but I got pregnant again and then I had all the drama with my ex and I only really feel like now I’m ready to start again. I am still in touch with my teachers from school too because they were a massive support after I had my first. My mum being a social worker is beneficial. She’s advised me to do a course with the princes trust but it’s all online right now.

I just want to be happy. I think I need to stop breastfeeding too. It would probably help me to just have some space.

Does anyone else ever feel like being a mum has made them completely lose themselves? I feel like at my age everyone is just finding themselves anyway but I’ve got 2 kids thrown into the mix! I just want to find me. I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognise myself.

I think it’s just the pandemic too. It is nice to have people respond on here. I know it probably sounds silly because you’re all online but when I say I haven’t got anyone to speak to I actually mean it and you all taking your time out to respond to me is much appreciated. Thank you so much. X

OP - just to say you are so intelligent, articulate and thoughtful, it’s clear you’ve got a huge amount to offer the world, so please don’t give up.

Other posters will have more practical advice, but it sounds to me that in this stage, while your options are temporarily limited by a small baby you are probably best to focus on 1) starting the process of building education/training for the future and 2) insisting - from next week on - that your ex takes the kids to where he’s living at his parents house. His access times should be time for you and he cannot invade your space. Insist these are regular slots too.

Then I would get yourself a big cheap notebook and a pen and start jotting down ideas of what you’d like for your future, and organisations you can contact to help yourself get there.

It will be small steps at first, but you will be amazed at how different your life can be 5 and 10 years from now. You are still so young and you have your whole adult life ahead of you.

In your notebook I’d write down your first ideas of where you’d like to be in 10 years, figure out what the smallest steps towards it might be and start actioning those.

Lots of people here will have advice about organisations, the library will also be good for self help books. And while I know you desperately want face to face contact, online courses and groups will make a difference for now.

Try and start surrounding yourself with people and ideas that will help you move forward, not that will drag you down. (online to start).

Good luck OP - and keep posting!

You’ve had some fab advice so far and not much I can add but there are some things you can change imminently.
You can definitely tell your mum, she would rather know you feel like this and be able to help rather than hide it all from her , that’s what mums are for .
And secondly the council absolutely have to fix your heating as you have children and one is only 2.
Do not take no for an answer and say it is an emergency, I had this as I was also a young parent in a shitty council flat and whereas I was usually quite meek ,I really stood my ground with the council and they came out and sorted the heating within the next day, especially as it’s winter and will soon be getting colder .
Thirdly , you can most definitely tell your ex to do one (especially as he is not contributing in any way) which will also help your mental health in return .
Best of luck .

Nothing to add to any of the excellent advice above... but just wanted to send best wishes and encouragement, you sound like a brilliant mum

Another suggestion, Open University, I think it's free if you're on benefits. You could get a qualification while the children are small.
Can your 2 year old get 15 hours a week free childcare ? You could use the time to study.
Tell your ex he's not coming in anymore , he picks them up and brings them back later.

Hi, OP. You did the right thing posting. Reaching out here will give you somewhere to be to speak out and release some of the worry.
I have been there.. with the smiling and letting him into your space trying to keep things cordial for the children. I can tell you now it is detrimental to you. You really need to stop letting him see DC at yours. He should take them out. This gives you space - physical and mental. This also give DC freedom away from managing their behaviour around both of you together in the same place and they get quality one on one time with their Dad.

Then you need to get him to commit to a regular schedule of when he sees the kids. This is also beneficial for DC because this uncertainty of not knowing which day he will turn up and for how long they will have him is no good for them. And also for you. You need to be able to plan your time and know what to expect from your day.

Taking a stance may lead to a few tears from DC and maybe a bit of kicking off from him but hold your ground. Children need routine.

You are very strong and have done excellently in your circumstances with everything going on. Don't lose hope and don't look at the mountains ahead, just look at the next step. Start with little goals like a pp suggested above - clipped toenails etc
It worked for me. Also reward yourself with little treats from time to time..An extra 30mins in bed... A quiet sit down with a cuppa..nail polish on your toes etc

I know you said your mum is trying to get her own life back again.. Unless she has explicitly told you not to bother her, I will open up to her & your siblings... tell them what you have told us, tell them clearly you need help... Let them help you. Don't worry if they have their own lives... you are part of their lives. And with the way this life is, they may be needing you in the future. Please, let people help you. I was very anxious about opening up, asking for help and accepting help... but when I did lay myself bare to some friends and allowed myself to accept help, it made a lot of difference.

Gradually, you will start to get yourself back a bit. And the more that happens, the stronger you get. The more determined you become and you start to see that you have choices and a light at the end of the tunnel.

Right now, his presence, him managing your own time with his unscheduled visits, all the uncertainties etc are clouding your everyday thinking. It is like a weight. You need to heal from the hurt he has caused you and it is not going to happen unless you start with these little steps. You need to feel more in control.

I hope you are able to find some joy in little things these season. Sending you strength

I’m 20 years older than you but in the same situation. Trapped because childcare costs too much for me to be able to work, and because I can’t find a job to fit around the children. When your youngest turns 3 you’ll get 15 hours per week of free childcare so you can do a course or start a business. You’ll have maybe 18 months to work on it before your youngest goes to school and you have even more time. A small business will probably fit around your family better than a job. You could start planning now and doing some short online courses in preparation.

My heart goes out to you, I am a Mum of two (although I am older than you) and I know how bloody relentless and difficult it can be.

It will get easier when your LO is able to go to nursery/school. Have you thought about the 15 free hours you can get when they are two? I think there's 30 free hours when they are 3? Worth asking a work coach, because even if you get out for some volunteering or a part time supermarket job you're expanding your network. This might not be what you want to do with your life but you'll meet people, they'll give you ideas and you will get your confidence back. Start small, one day at a time.

It is absolutely possible to improve yourself, and from my calculations you are still young, you have your WHOLE beautiful life full of possibilities ahead of you. Please don't give up. Demand to be treated better by your ex, stand up to him for your children, it's not enough that he is "Disney Dad". If he doesn't give you more walk away, he can set up access through the courts at his expense.

You need to talk about how you're feeling to your Mum. I would be devastated to hear that my daughter was struggling.

Covid won't last forever, it's a long horrid slog but we will get there.

Sending you an unMumsnetty hug - hang on in there

OP you need to set some boundaries with your ex get him to take them out of your house so you have some space of your own. If he is only seeing them for a few hours then he can take them to his parents and drop them back or a park etc. Its not fair on you seeing him all the time and you not having any alone time to relax. You need to be strong and tell him he can pick the kids up at a set time and they will be waiting ready at the door, be pleasent say bye to your kids have a good day with dad etc and shut the door.

Your situation sounds difficult and this is a horrible time to be stuck indoors with 2 kids and lack of support.

Lots of people here every hour of the day if you need to rant or just want to chat, keep your head up.

Also have a look and see if you are entitled to free childcare hours for your youngest maybe a few days at nursery will give you some time to train in something part-time. Maybe look at some apprenticeships you are so young have lots of time to rebuild and start fresh hun.

OP this may come off as judgemental to other people in your situation but I have to commend you on the way you write and articulate yourself. You are clearly not like the what most people I would assume in your position, ie 21 with two kids, no job and living on support. There are far more educated people than you who cannot put commas in the right place!

You clearly have potential! I hope that you find it in you to use it!
Good luck

Just adding to the previous posters, you need to get boundaries in place for your ex. And Maintenance from him. He sounds awful. Stop breastfeeding if it will free you up.
You seem sensible and intelligent. And so young to be managing all this. You can find yourself you really can, plus you'll be having a lovely life in your 30s when your friend are bowed down with small children. Read self development books. Keep a diary. I'm so sorry you have such a heap of challenges. Your children are lucky to have you.

I agree with all the other posters! You have so much to offer the world and are still so young. I'm 30 but was a single parent of only 1 by 20 and it was hard. I lost myself for a long time. But now I've slowly rebuilt and have met an amazing man and had my 2nd. We're working towards buying a home and I'm currently trying to get back to work but agree with covid and 2 kids now it is more difficult but I know it won't be impossible. In the meantime I'm studying and getting some relevant updated education.

Take each step at a time. Small victories. Have a bath, pamper yourself a bit. It always makes you feel better.
Your ex.. go to cms. At least then it will all be legally binding and changes will have to be documented. You also need a set schedule (easier said than done I know!) And he stops coming into your space. That space is now your safe space. Your bubble.
Please talk to your family. I know they have their own lives but would you ever turn away your sibling or child when they're older? No, I'm sure you wouldn't and I'm sure they'd feel the same.

I'm always happy to be a listening ear privately if you'd like. Feel free to send me a private message. Honestly keep your chin up. This is the start of a beautiful life for you.

I think its really incredible that you managed to get your GCSE's and BTEC while looking after a child as a young teenager!
I am a single parent to two children and I have found it so difficult and felt like I completely lost who I was, and I was in my mid 20's.
My eldest daughter is nearly 14 and I can't imagine her having to cope with having a child and studying and keeping a household going, while doing a great job caring for two children and keeping them safe.
It does get easier as they get older, you have more time and you will be able to meet new people and do more things for you.
I just wanted to say, it sounds like you have been doing an amazing job, and you will get to where you want to be, and still have time to be young and enjoy yourself.
Much respect!

You sound lovely OP.

Start with a chain on your door. Message him and tell him that he will no longer be using your house as a space to see the kids. He can take them to the park/wherever and feed them while he has them. When DCs dad (help yourself to mentally detach, stop referring to him as your ex because he is nothing to you now) comes to see them, have the chain on. Have them ready in their jackets etc and open the door to hand them over. He doesn't come in. Bye kids have a lovely time see you when you get back. Close door, lock, chain. Repeat in reverse when they get back.

He's a waste of space but even just a short period of time with the DC out the house means you get some silence and a moment to have a shower etc by yourself. He needs time?! Your eldest is 7, how much time does he need?! Why did he then have another child with you if he needed so much time???? You didn't get to have "time", you've just had to get on with it. Detach completely from him. Any messages that aren't specifically about the kids arrangements get deleted and do not get replied to. Any comments made about you get ignored as you close the door.

Put in a claim to CMS, I know they are useless if he's not on a payroll but if he's not contributing anyway then it's simply helping you detach from chasing him for money.

I know it's getting cold and miserable outside but do try and get some fresh air every day even if it's just a walk to the shop or taking the kids a wander to spot as many pigeons as they can!

This is such a lovely, supportive thread.
I agree with everyone saying do not let your ex set one foot over your threshold. He is massively direspectful and manipulative.
He should be seeing them at set times and taking them out.
Even without the infection risk, his behaviour is very unfair.
Children need routine.
You will find that things can improve enormously and they will.

Thank you so much for your responses.

I guess I try to seem like I have it all together to my mum and siblings because I want them to be proud of me. My older siblings have gone on to achieve so much and I don’t want to be the black sheep, I want my mum to see that her hard work was all for something. I think I do need to have an honest chat with her. I just don’t want to let her down and especially because I know she is so stressed at work, I don’t want her to feel stressed with me too. My siblings are very much just get on with it type of people. They just get on with it and carry on. My mum is a very positive woman. She has always taught me to see the bright side of things. For example, getting pregnant so young wasn’t ideal but the bright side is that when I’m 28, I will have 14 year old and a lot of people will just be starting so I still have a lot of time to better my life. Whilst this is good, sometimes I just want her to give me a hug and say it’s ok to be sad and not tell me to look at the positives or be grateful!

I know my ex is a massive problem. I need to learn to stand up to him without being made to feel guilty. He isn’t abusive but he is very strong willed. I need to put my foot down and say no but as silly as it sounds, it really scares me because he doesn’t ever take me seriously! I know this will sound pathetic but he doesn’t listen when I say no! I could tell him he isn’t allowed to shower at my house and he will shower anyway and then make out I’m being ridiculous for saying no. When I told him before he needs to have the children every other weekend he said no he will have them at mine because his house is too packed. If I say I’m going out, he will still come to mine and then tell the children that I’m not being nice to him or tell our friends (we still have the same friends) that I’m trying to stop him seeing them. We’ve been through this when he first left so now I’ve just shut my mouth to keep the peace so in his head, everything is ok when it isn’t. I want us to be civil but I want him to pull his weight. I am aware I can’t force him but I don’t know how I can make him. He never sticks to plans as it is. If he cancels and I say he can’t come the next day, he will make it out that I’m just jealous that he’s moving on with his life. It doesn’t help that his family enable him. They think I’m wrong for stringing him along after he cheated one day wanting to make it work and the next finding it too difficult and that I should have stayed for the children. I know I’m asking a lot but maybe someone could draft me something to say? Even if he doesn’t keep them overnight but just to take them during the day once a week. I don’t want it to sound too formal but maybe just ‘Hey Luke...’ and then we just go from there.

Thanks for the links, I am going to have a look.

I’m also going to write a list of everything I want to achieve like suggested. I’ll post it on here if no one minds, just because it’ll help me to actually look at it.

I also think some careers advice would be a great idea. You are smart, ambitious and capable. What degree do you see yourself doing? What careers interest you? We can maybe come up with some more focused ideas.

yes yes to stopping coming in at all. Maybe do the handover at a park or supermarket or his mum's as a start.

If your friends don't think he is a total dickhead then they are not your friends. His family are nothing to you so ignore their opinions also. Block them if need be.

Hi, dickhead we need to agree which day you take the kids so they have a proper routine and 2yo can have nursery place arranged. Tuesday/Friday/Sunday from 3pm-5pm (stick in days and times that work for you obviously) work best for them so if you could let me know and I will have them ready each week for you to pick up.

Don't ask, tell him. When he arrives and acts shocked that you won't let him in, you said they'd be ready for him to pick up. If he hasn't organised somewhere to take them then he can pick them up next week, bye. Close door.

Don't engage with him. Any messages that don't give you the day and time get ignored. Leave it in his hands. If he doesn't arrange and just turns up, leave the chain on and tell him that you have asked him to agree contact days so when he does that the kids will be ready. Close door. Repeat, repeat, repeat as required. Don't give in to "I'm here now, I might as well come in."

You are not unreasonable to not allow him into your home. Him being "strong willed" is him being a dickhead to you. You are strong!

Oh and it will be his inaction keeping him from seeing the kids if he tries that line. Not you. You are trying to stabilise their lives.