Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Separated from DH, his ex wife claims she has rights over him

57 replies

themightyones · 20/12/2020 23:08

I don't really know where to turn for this, as I'm so angry at the moment. DH and I made the decision split up three months ago as despite a relatively happy marriage for 15 years - both now 43, we don't feel content with one another and decided to see how things went as a separated couple. I think I've been managing okay, the kids have seen him and he doesn't live far (atm with his mum) so it has been handy. We haven't discussed divorce or anything as that's very drastic and I think our split was largely due to how we were always together during the first lockdown as we usually work in the office so obviously clashed etc.

About two weeks ago I received a Facebook message from his ex wife - they had been together for three years - had split up two years by the time we got together and I've never really had anything to do with her. She's American who emigrated to the UK to be with him. She told me that she heard from DH that we split up and said how truly sorry she was. I said it wasn't her business, didn't really want to talk to her but I wanted to see her angle. She told me that DH and her had started seeing each other again as they were "each others first loves" and she can claim him because she's his first wife! I'm so thick skinned usually that nothing ever makes me cry but I balled that night. I never replied to her cos I didn't know what to believe.

DH said that they had met up and rekindled some "feelings" but he doesn't want to be with her and said she's making up a fantasy in her head. I'm just so heartbroken over what she said. I have been with DH for 15 years, I don't ever intend on leaving him but the thought of her trying to steal him and claim him has fucking hacked me off! I really thought we'd try to patch things up as a couple but this has just worried me. I don't want a divorce but I feel like she'll linger like a bad smell even if we split or reunite.

OP posts:

Amira19 · 20/12/2020 23:11

If you wanted to be together you wouldn't have split up but went to counselling.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2020 23:13

People don’t steal other people. Out of the two of them who do you trust more?

DaughterOfEvilReindeer · 20/12/2020 23:13

Sounds like she's trying to get under your skin so you don't get back with him because she thinks they'll get back together instead.

user1473878824 · 20/12/2020 23:13

@Amira19 What a horrible post.

Pipandmum · 20/12/2020 23:15

Block her. Just do not engage.

GroundAlmonds · 20/12/2020 23:15

She sounds a bit bonkers & actually it sounds like he knows that. Ignore both of them and their shenanigans. Concentrate on practicalities and building your new life.

Amira19 · 20/12/2020 23:16

user1473878824 going on a break is only in the best interests of the person who decides a break is needed. It runs the risk of them meeting someone else.

Original poster

themightyones · 20/12/2020 23:18

@Amira19

If you wanted to be together you wouldn't have split up but went to counselling.

Perhaps we shouldn't have been so hasty and split up but I hope you realise that counselling doesn't solve all relationships, we needed a break from one another, counselling wouldn't have solved that.

OP posts:

Boulshired · 20/12/2020 23:18

When people separate some see it as a head clearing space before deciding what to do whilst other see it as a clear split and they are able to move forward. He has gone back to someone he loved enough to marry, if he believed you would get back together then she should have been the last person he went back to as it could never be a meaningless fling.

whatwedontknow · 20/12/2020 23:19

Your DH contacted her, how do you feel about that? I suppose if you wanted to see how things went your DH has made a move in the other direction, she’s not stealing him, but it doesn’t look like he was thinking of patching things up.

If you never intend to leave him whose decision was it to split up?

PanamaPattie · 20/12/2020 23:19

Ask yourself why DH met with a woman he was married to years ago. Have they always stayed in touch?

Imiss2019 · 20/12/2020 23:20

Making up a fantasy in her head eh? Sorry but you separate and he meets up with her straight away and rekindles some feelings, does t sound like total fantasy on her part. I wouldn’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/12/2020 23:20

Hmm
I split once with my now (very eX DP)
He told me he had met someone else And i got back with him
Cue two lovely children
But a lot of shit and pain
Now I don’t regret it as I have
My children who wouldn’t exist otherwise
But candidly he wasn’t right for me
I got jealous

Anyway think hard , and if you want him back then do some
Work
Did he go to ex because he felt rejected and wanted an ego boost (fair enough to be honest !)
Or for other reasons

Xmassprout · 20/12/2020 23:21

You have split up but don't intend on leaving him? Surely that is what splitting up is?

He says they've rekindled feelings but he doesn't want to be with her? I wonder what he has been telling her and how it compares to what he has been telling you

Viviennemary · 20/12/2020 23:21

If you've split up anyway and it seems it was a mutual decision he needs to be allowed to get on with his life as he sees fit.

ReallyLazy · 20/12/2020 23:21

People can be strange about their first loves/ younger relationships. She can't steal him though, he has his own mind and will make that choice himself. The fact that he got back in touch with her when you split will have given her ideas (probably fairly). This is for him to sort out though.

Leaannb · 20/12/2020 23:23

@themightyones...Taking a break is no different than breaking up. You have no control over what they do. Do you not realize that your husband has told you they have rekindled feelings? But now she is having a fantasy in her head. Your husband is keeping her on the line in case you don't come back. But until you do je is keeping her bed warm

Porcupineinwaiting · 20/12/2020 23:23

But..but..you split up. Surely that makes getting back together optional, not a foregone conclusion? You cant just expect the other person to hang around in case you change your mind.

Harmarsuperstar · 20/12/2020 23:24

Are you saying that you're still together bit living separately, op? Or that you've actually split up?

Halo1234 · 20/12/2020 23:26

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. If she is staring up trouble and trying to rock the boat between u. Maybe she likes a drama who knows. But bottom line is she isnt phoning u to tell u that with any good intention. Plus if there was any sort or rekindle happening between them why would she feel the need to rush to tell u. Surely she would focus on nurturing her relationship with him not on causing tension with u. I think he is right when he says its a fantasy in her head because if it were true she wouldn't feel the need to run and highlight it to u....she would be focusing on enjoying time with him. Happy nice decent people just don't do that. I would let her words go in one ear and out the other. Dont let jer influence anything between u and him.

whatwedontknow · 20/12/2020 23:29

How can it not influence anything between them . He has admitted getting in touch after 17 years and rekindling feelings? She hasn’t caused drama for all these years as OP said she hadn’t had anything to do with her. She’s just giving the OP the heads up.

Boulshired · 20/12/2020 23:29

If it is fantasy in her head then he is a shit for using her as a temporary shag and she is a shit for contacting you. What the hell is “rekindled some feelings”.

Original poster

themightyones · 20/12/2020 23:29

Sorry I should have been clearer - didn't realise I didn't post in the OP that we are trial splitting up which is a weird thing for me as I don't really believe in the concept. Splitting up was a mutual decision, DH said that if we both wanted to move on then we'd proceed with divorce or a final split. He said he still has some feelings for his ex wife but it's the sort of feelings you have for a first love in his own words. Before his ex messaged me he was asking me if I was ready to let him back in his life - as if I had the final say in this split. that's why everything is a bit confusing. If they both want to give it a go I'm fine with it, but he's very adamant there's nothing there which is why I made the thread!

OP posts:

XmasBelle · 20/12/2020 23:31

why did he contact her? The trouble with men, is that they don't like being on their own do they? They also don't want to make an effort to meet someone else, and its too easy to slip back in with someone - the ex wife in this case.

Make your own life work for you. Id be very wary of your ex husband and his wanderings

Original poster

themightyones · 20/12/2020 23:32

I know there has been no contact with them two since they split up as there hasn't been any need and we've always been honest, so I don't think they've had an affair. Their divorce before me and DH got together was a bit muggy, I don't know the full details but she wanted to prioritise her career; she never remarried nor had kids.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3