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Original poster

Separated from DH, his ex wife claims she has rights over him

57 replies

themightyones · 20/12/2020 23:08

I don't really know where to turn for this, as I'm so angry at the moment. DH and I made the decision split up three months ago as despite a relatively happy marriage for 15 years - both now 43, we don't feel content with one another and decided to see how things went as a separated couple. I think I've been managing okay, the kids have seen him and he doesn't live far (atm with his mum) so it has been handy. We haven't discussed divorce or anything as that's very drastic and I think our split was largely due to how we were always together during the first lockdown as we usually work in the office so obviously clashed etc.

About two weeks ago I received a Facebook message from his ex wife - they had been together for three years - had split up two years by the time we got together and I've never really had anything to do with her. She's American who emigrated to the UK to be with him. She told me that she heard from DH that we split up and said how truly sorry she was. I said it wasn't her business, didn't really want to talk to her but I wanted to see her angle. She told me that DH and her had started seeing each other again as they were "each others first loves" and she can claim him because she's his first wife! I'm so thick skinned usually that nothing ever makes me cry but I balled that night. I never replied to her cos I didn't know what to believe.

DH said that they had met up and rekindled some "feelings" but he doesn't want to be with her and said she's making up a fantasy in her head. I'm just so heartbroken over what she said. I have been with DH for 15 years, I don't ever intend on leaving him but the thought of her trying to steal him and claim him has fucking hacked me off! I really thought we'd try to patch things up as a couple but this has just worried me. I don't want a divorce but I feel like she'll linger like a bad smell even if we split or reunite.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 20/12/2020 23:33

He either playing her or he is playing you, it’s it’s a trial separation for breathing space you do not get back with your ex.

Butchyrestingface · 20/12/2020 23:33

I have been with DH for 15 years, I don't ever intend on leaving him but the thought of her trying to steal him and claim him has fucking hacked me off

She hasn't tried to "steal" him. You split up with him. What are the chances she was the one to contact him apropos of nothing just after you two split up? Far more likely he contacted her. Why do you suppose that is?

Have you watched series 3 of Friends, OP?

whatwedontknow · 20/12/2020 23:35

I would be confused too, he’s giving you mixed messages. If there’s nothing there why did he contact her and what are rekindled feelings?

BuffaloMozzerella · 20/12/2020 23:41

OP sorry you're going through this. Be careful not to get back with him just because she's appeared on the scene. I know it's horrible but the reasons you two need some space are still val

ILoveYoga · 20/12/2020 23:41

Everything is a bit confusing. You’re crying and you’re heart broken. Seems to me you may benefit from talking with someone to explore your feelings about your DH and your splitting up, him possibly moving on, rekindling feelings for another woman. Talking to someone, just you, can possibly really help you come to terms with things and communicate this clearly to your Ex DH as well as dealing with the children.

BuffaloMozzerella · 20/12/2020 23:43

Posted too soon!

valid and I would try and focus on those if you can.

The fact she's massaged you in such a way is really unpleasant and says more about her than you or your (ex)DH.

BlueThistles · 20/12/2020 23:43

Let her have him... honestly, he contacted her, he wanted that contact.. let him GO.. Flowers

Newmumatlast · 20/12/2020 23:45

I would be concerned. You've been together 15 years yet as soon as you trial split he contacts his ex from allllll the way back then to tell her and then also had enough interaction to rekindle feelings? Also the split sounds like it was not because they didnt get on but because of her not wanting children and wanting to focus on her career etc. He has children now so no need for her to have them.

I would be having a really serious conversation with him about what he wants to do.

To be honest your comment that you be fine with it if they want to make a go of it I also find strange, like you've already checked out anyway. Is there something there you both want to save or are you hanging on for the kids?

Candyfloss99 · 20/12/2020 23:56

Well it's very clear that for you it wasn't a proper split but for him it is.

Backtoblack1 · 20/12/2020 23:59

Has he put her up to it to make you jealous?

BlueThistles · 21/12/2020 00:06

nothing like the green eyed monster to reignite extinguished passion. It never lasts.. the reasons for your separating are still there OP. Next time she contacts you.. either tell her to crack on.. or block her..

and your Husband is a DICK Flowers

RedMarauder · 21/12/2020 00:12

OP block her and stop any contact with her.

You need to work out if you have a relationship with your husband to salvage and if you do work on it.

If not then he is free to go out with who he likes whether it is his ex-wife or the girl he dated when he was 13.

If you do split for good and he starts dating other women, then whoever it is please have no contact with them as that's the way madness lies.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/12/2020 00:15

The problem with saying "I think we should split" as a way to shock someone into being the person you want them to be is that they can say "Ok" and move on.

I think you were taking your marriage for granted and assumed he would be back begging. And he hasnt. You say it was mutual, but (and I am not asking you to say this on here) search your heart....were you pushing it more than him? Really? You do know deep down if it really was as mutual as you are saying.

Be careful what you wish for....

Crowncan · 21/12/2020 00:18

Sounds like you instigated the split and DH went along with it to please you. Also sounds like he met up with his ex, ended it and then told her he wanted you back- so her contacting you was her way of making sure you didn’t take him back.

Carolofthebellies · 21/12/2020 00:20

You have a strange relationship and not very strong if you couldn't tolerate eachother's company because of the lockdown. Rekindling some feelings means they probably kissed and shagged already.

Carolofthebellies · 21/12/2020 00:29

I think, trial separations usually mean that it's time to go separate ways as the relationship doesn't work well.
Just tell him to fuck off with his rekindled feelings. Does he think you are a fool or what? Also, his ex writing to you was a bit too much. Good that you didn't reply to her.

Cocomarine · 21/12/2020 00:34

The easiest and quickest way to get an ego stroke (or sex) when you split up with someone, is to look up any exes that you think might respond well. Much easier than finding someone new.
So that’s what he did.
Yet your post is all about her.
You might want to give that some thought.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 21/12/2020 00:39

I really think you should try counselling, either with DH or alone. Even if the answer is a trial separation, if you'd done counselling first you would have embarked on the trial separation with a shared sense of the boundaries and what the separation was meant to achieve.

You should go to counselling now and work through your feelings about DH. Do you actually want to be with him? Or do you just want him available but not with you all the time?

I dont think you can agree to separate and then get possessive over him. You gave up that right when you split.

It's bloody weird that she wrote to you at all.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 21/12/2020 00:47

Sounds like he’s playing you both.

I’m really confused by the nature of your separation or what even happened here TBH. You seem to think you’re basically still together, he doesn’t?

Treemama · 21/12/2020 00:53

He probably contacted his ex because he's seeking reassurance that there is someone out there who still has feelings for him. If she gives him an ego-boost, there's the risk of him forgetting the reasons that led to their divorce and just remember the good times they had.
You two seem to be in different pages regarding what this trial split actually means, and you probably should talk about it.

Sweettea1 · 21/12/2020 01:09

You have split up not your business they can do as they please and don't need to answer to you not sure why she messaged you maybe just to let you know she's back on the scene. You need to decide sooner rather than later (before he moves on) if you want to be with him or not and make it clear to him whats what.

GabsAlot · 21/12/2020 01:09

well you were on a break

BlueThistles · 21/12/2020 01:13

Ex Wife sounds unstable to be fair... 🤔

aidelmaidel · 21/12/2020 01:25

He's playing you both.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/12/2020 01:51

Your DH just doesn't come out of this well.

If the ex-wife is telling the truth, at least from her perspective, then he's playing you both and it's pretty vile. Telling her you both your what he wants. I suspect this isn't quite how it went, because of how she contacted you and how that went, but it's possibility. And even if not fully true, for her to have got the idea they could get back together he likely said something that encouraged that way of thinking.

But even if he's telling the truth, he still saw your trial separation as an opportunity to connect with an ex and see what he could get out of it. The fact he decided you were the better of the two women he's married doesn't negate the fact he took liberties with your trust when you were just supposed to be having a break from each other.

How this plays into your relationship and what's possible or a good idea now is something you'll have to decide. But the issue is his behaviour. What his ex-wife says about you or him is pretty irrelevant. She doesn't have any magic powers. She can only "steal" him if he chooses to be with her.

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