My neighbours never stop shagging

[fuckingfuckyfuck]

Dear God, it's me, Fuckingfuckyfuck. Please bless the patrons upstairs with some new bed hinges and the occasional erectile dysfunction because this has been a horrendous wake up call.

Seriously though, for the past several weeks there have been multiple times a day where my entire flat bounces with the bed upstairs rattling and shaking. Lasts about 3 minutes every time and always managed to catch me when I'm a) falling asleep, b) waking up or c) working.
AIBU to post some pictures of genital warts through the letterbox in hopes of scaring them off??

(I'm kidding but really this has brought a new meaning to Christmas being the time of "giving" )

@BubblyBarbara

She might be having a good time. The "banging" might just be him finishing off in the traditional way but he could be giving her oral or whatever for ages before that stage.

3 times a day though. Nobody wants somebodies face down there 3 times a day.

Bake a cake? Walk the dog? Sniff some paint thinner?
Really anything that stops me from feeling like I need a shower every six hours! (and I'm not even doing the shagging)

@TheYearOfSmallThings (topical username as well)

Our neighbours have an arthritic trampoline with one or two squeaky springs, irritation lasts longer than three minutes. There is also shouting, screaming and a thrilling technical dismount section.

Arthritic? Cripes!
At least mine are still in the "regular sex swing" stage of life, I suppose!
@HoofHeartedSanta

Still I do manage to find myself constantly living next to either sex addicts or drug dealers no matter where I am. I wonder if that's a reflection on me somehow I'm hoping whenever I manage to get onto the property market it'll only be ghosts shagging upstairs

3 times a day though. Nobody wants somebodies face down there 3 times a day.

Speak for yourself

Bake a cake? Walk the dog? Sniff some paint thinner?

But what if they're coeliac? What if they have crippling cynophobia?

But yes, there's always paint thinner

I was about to say 'lucky bastards', because I'm surprised anyone in the shitshow calling itself the Year 2020 has that amount of energy left.

Then I saw the 3-minute disclaimer ....

PS. I recommend wax earplugs!

Maybe I have genophobia, @TheYearOfSmallThings, THEY DIDN'T ASK

Record it and go and knock on the door and play it back to them?

You sure it's shagging and not something else causing the 3 minute banging multiple times a day?

Not sure I quite have the confidence or gravitas to pull that one off (pardon the pun) @MaryLeeOnHigh

It's definitely shagging, unless it's some chronic aggressive masturbation. I can't think of anything else that would make a bed creak like that for 3 minutes several times a day? @MaelyssQ

Fake noises or applause are the humorous response, or loud comments about how short they can last.

"3 times a day though. Nobody wants somebodies face down there 3 times a day."

Speak for yourself

^That was my first thought on reading that too .

"It's definitely shagging, unless it's some chronic aggressive masturbation"

Are you my neighbour..?

Maybe they are trying for a baby? Soon you will be woken by the screams of the newborn. But at least the shagging will reduce drastically!

I think a LEN GOODMAN- esque “ Seven! “ afterwards is the appropriate response.

Are you my neighbour..? blush
@GoodQueenAlysanne Keep it down man, I've got deadlines!

Maybe they are trying for a baby? Soon you will be woken by the screams of the newborn. But at least the shagging will reduce drastically!

Aha, so a complimentary turkey baster will do the ticket! @Didyousaynutella

When our neighbours were on a shagging fest, my son thought they had Forest Gump in repeat 😂.... they soon realised how thin the walls were when I shouted to be quieter

Three whole minutes?

We had similar. We genuinely thought that next door was running an adult phone line due to the long, very fake orgasm noises coming from next door. We'd reasoned that if it'd been real it'd be glowing in the dark by now which was why we thought phone lines. Sent oh to have a word about noise, seems she just has a new boyfriend and no concept of volume

You have my sympathies as I’ve experienced this too. Many years ago I lived in a flat. Upstairs were a young couple. When they had sex she was so loud that it was as though they were in the same room as me. She would scream, groan and shout yes for an hour at a time. That was half the week. For the other half they’d be shouting and screaming and she’d be crying. I’m sure he used to knock her about too. Horrendous.

@GoodQueenAlysanne

"It's definitely shagging, unless it's some chronic aggressive masturbation"

Are you my neighbour..?

Hahahahahhhahahahha

Play loud music every time. Something like the hallelujah chorus.