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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Virtue Signalling gone into overdrive tonight!

99 replies

Backtoblack1 · 19/12/2020 22:49

I live in Wales and since the announcement that we will go into total lockdown I cannot believe the amount of ‘good Samaritan’ posts I’ve seen tonight. This one has been copied and pasted on hundreds of profiles:

‘Any of my parent friends, that were waiting until next week to get paid, to do their Christmas shopping for their kids. Give me an inbox and I will do my best .It will be kept private and confidential but please reach out if you need help.

#ifyoucanhelphelp

No parent should have to explain why Santa has not come.’

💙❤💙❤

It’s turning my stomach as some people who post it seem to be itching for some kind of recognition of how saintly they are. Anyone else noticing the same or am I just being mean?

YABU - this is wonderful and we should all adopt the same status

YANBU - this is disingenuous and insincere. They are just glory hunting

OP posts:
Nonamesavail · 20/12/2020 07:39

Bit of both. Some just want the glory but for some it will save the day.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 20/12/2020 08:17

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

We get paid on the 31st of the month, Christmas or no Christmas. If it wasn't for a couple of people (from Facebook) helping us out, my DC wouldn't be getting anything on Christmas day itself this year. We just about have food because the school sent asda vouchers for the fsm money. I am very grateful that some people are still willing to help out. to This year has been truly shit, and made things so much harder than they have ever been for a LOT of families.
Jesus, I'm really sorry to hear this Pom.

We were in the same position at Christmas one year but we thankfully had a family member bail us out.

I don't think people realise how easy it is to go from "Doing OK" to not having anything financially.

This year has been shit but I'm wishing your wee family a happy Christmas.

NotOfThisWorld · 20/12/2020 08:21

I don't like it when people make offers they have no intention of keeping 'e.g. if anyone has issues with MH my door is always open' announced by the bitchiest women I know who would be the first to sneer and tell everyone else your problems. OR offers of financial help on FB when everyone on their friendlist is well off. BUT it's not virtue signalling to actually make a kind offer you plan to see through. It's not virtue signalling to care about a charity and try to promote it. It's not virtue signalling to care about the environment and try to change your behaviour to improve things.

NotOfThisWorld · 20/12/2020 08:23

For what it's worth I would make an announcement like that and be absolutely willing to help. The reason I don't is that my immediate friends are very unlikely to actually need financial help in that way (there might be people who are worried about having to downsize or sell their expensive car but no one will be worried about not being able to buy food or a few toys) so it would be pointless.

perditaplum · 20/12/2020 08:50

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

We get paid on the 31st of the month, Christmas or no Christmas. If it wasn't for a couple of people (from Facebook) helping us out, my DC wouldn't be getting anything on Christmas day itself this year. We just about have food because the school sent asda vouchers for the fsm money. I am very grateful that some people are still willing to help out. to This year has been truly shit, and made things so much harder than they have ever been for a LOT of families.
We got those ASDA vouchers too, what a godsend.
perditaplum · 20/12/2020 08:52

THEY ARE ASKING PEOPLE IN THEIR VILLAGE, who include strangers, ON THE VILLAGE FACEBOOK GROUP or whatever, to contact them privately if they need gifts for their kids if they HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO OUT TO BUY YET AND DUE TO NEW COVID RULES RESTRICTING SHOPPING NOW THEY CAN NOT GO SHOPPING

But if people in their village can't go shopping because of the new covid rules restricting shopping then neither can they if they are in the same village ?

ASadNamechange · 20/12/2020 08:57

Can I Name change for this, because im ashamed

OP said:"It’s turning my stomach as some people who post it seem to be itching for some kind of recognition of how saintly they are. Anyone else noticing the same or am I just being mean?"

I think you're being mean or upset somehow because I read this has made you "feel like shit" and delete your facebook it seems there's something else going on here with you for such a strong reaction.

You don't know they're "itching for some kind of recognition of how saintly they are". Maybe you're projecting. Now I stop myself reacting like that, but honestly I used to be like this when others did good sometimes and put it on social media and I felt like they were getting praise, recognition or "looking good" to others, and that I should be doing it and getting recognition. I think it was some insecurity with me. I prefer to keep any charitable thing private or quiet, but it doesn't mean others have to, and in this situation they can't because they're asking if there are any villagers that haven't been to the shops and can't go now because of change of virus rules. They need to advertise the offer of help in order to help. It's in the village facebook group like you said, or on their own profile, both are correct places for it. I can't find fault with that.

I'd be more on your side if they were posting what they had done after they'd done it or posting photos of themselves handing the people the presents or taking screenshots or something because that's unnecessary, and that's what I class as virtue signalling. But generally even then, if I wanted them to keep it private, why was that? Yeah, it's against my principles and I don't think it's right for them to do that, but I had bitter even angry feelings, why? that I did things in private with no praise or recognition and they did it in public with praise or recognition? That would be so bad of me. Yeah I can see that as myself having some kind of jealousy, bitterness. Really sucks to think I had those feelings and sometimes still do, though I fight it, and those feeling I had were me wanting recognition, no, actually probably more accurate is it was wanting them not to have praise, recognition or to 'look good'. I didn't want it, and didn't think they should have it. Quite awful of me. I have to fight these jealous bitter feelings I get about several things when I feel others are being praised or recognised and I could do the same but I'm not because of my own shitty issues or situations, like when someone gets a good new job, promotion, married or has a baby, because it makes me feel like shit . especially when my family members are dying to tell me the news about others like they are comparing me to them like they've done all my life. Anyway I digress.

I think what you described them posting is necessary in order to get responses to know who to help, the only other way is if village had organised a collection of presents for others in the village who hadn't had a chance to buy them before rules changed. Someone would have to organise that though,then they'd be getting criticised I suppose.
In this situation that OP described, private message isn't feasible. As PP said they can't private message everyone in the village and it sounds like people in your village just wanting to help each other out.
Like in the first lockdown people in my village were advertising their availability to help and doing all sorts for other villagers, going to the supermarkets and other shops, delivering prescriptions and other stuff. Not virtue signalling and I don't think a negative reaction is necessary at all. It's great for people to help each other yes we should all. If they actually help people or even just truly want to and they feel good about it, so what! Nothing wrong with that. Being "smug" as someone mentioned is something different, but even that can be down to interpretation.
If what you're saying about the pregnant woman is true though that would indeed be odd and give me negative feeling.

nosswith · 20/12/2020 08:59

There are plenty of ways you can help quietly and without a fuss or even mentioning it to others.

It reminds me of 'celebrities' who quietly help charities financially or with their time, and those who make a big deal out of it.

daisychain01 · 20/12/2020 09:01

@Tootytata @GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou. Lol, I'm useless with all the "quote" stuff on here I keep mixing up who says what doh Grin

ASadNamechange · 20/12/2020 09:02

@perditaplum

THEY ARE ASKING PEOPLE IN THEIR VILLAGE, who include strangers, ON THE VILLAGE FACEBOOK GROUP or whatever, to contact them privately if they need gifts for their kids if they HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO OUT TO BUY YET AND DUE TO NEW COVID RULES RESTRICTING SHOPPING NOW THEY CAN NOT GO SHOPPING

But if people in their village can't go shopping because of the new covid rules restricting shopping then neither can they if they are in the same village ?

I would guess they would be offering some of the presents they have already bought for their own children/family, or as others said use Amazon prime, or something like that.
Roominmyhouse · 20/12/2020 09:03

Who cares if it’s a copy and paste, or whether everyone person posting it is genuine. If it helps even one person out then it’s brilliant.

ASadNamechange · 20/12/2020 09:04

@nosswith

There are plenty of ways you can help quietly and without a fuss or even mentioning it to others.

It reminds me of 'celebrities' who quietly help charities financially or with their time, and those who make a big deal out of it.

How would they know which of their villagers needed help without asking?
GiveMeCamembert · 20/12/2020 09:07

This thread is vile. How the fuck have you all managed to turn people being kind into a negative?

Ethelfleda · 20/12/2020 09:08

YANBU
I HATE insincerity

MysweetAudrina · 20/12/2020 09:15

I saw a post yesterday from someone in my hometown stating that there was a young mother of 4 with no food for her children that night and no money for Christmas and asking if those more fortunate could drop something small at her house and she would do a drop. By yesterday evening she had a room full of shopping and gifts for the kids that would easily last her a Month, including nappies, food, pyjamas, sweets, toys etc... yeah she is probably feeling good about herself right now and so are those who donated and yeah it's up on fb with lots of likes and nice comments aimed at her but so fucking what. That girl and her children will have a Christmas to remember and it wouldn't have gotten the response if it wasn't up on sm.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 20/12/2020 09:24

[quote daisychain01]**@Tootytata* @GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou*. Lol, I'm useless with all the "quote" stuff on here I keep mixing up who says what doh Grin[/quote]
You are not alone.

I have been here for years and I still need to correct myself after most posts. :o

DanielRicciardosSmile · 20/12/2020 09:26

If someone is genuine surely they can think up their own, unique way to offer help?

But why? Why does everyone need to come up with a unique way? Why can't someone who wants to help, but has no idea how to, be inspired by a similar post online?

That's like saying you can't do Race for Life because your next door neighbour signed up first.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/12/2020 09:28

I think I agree with OP. I don't think she's slating anyone genuinely offering full help.

But FB posts inviting people to contact you for help - how many people would actually do that?

Far better to donate to a local or national charity who will really be able to help in practical ways.

I find it hard to believe that if one of these FB posters really got a list of presents someone needed, they'd be off like a shot to buy them. Similarly, I think it would be v v hard for someone in this awful predicament to contact a stranger asking them to buy their DC's Christmas presents.

Backtoblack1 · 20/12/2020 10:35

Thanks to those who have understood where I was coming from. It did turn my stomach that in the same village thread a young pregnant girl was being ridiculed whilst others ignored her (the same ones who had copied and pasted about how they could help).

This thread has been called nasty and vile and I have been called a twat and an arsehole by those very people telling me what a sickening thread this is.

Wow!

OP posts:
berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 10:39

Thanks to those who have understood where I was coming from. It did turn my stomach that in the same village thread a young pregnant girl was being ridiculed whilst others ignored her (the same ones who had copied and pasted about how they could help).

So have you helped her, OP?

Kendodd · 20/12/2020 10:40

Thinking about it, the biggest issue I have with this sort of thing is that we've build a society were people are going without in the first place. Shame on us.

Backtoblack1 · 20/12/2020 10:45

Hi Berrygirlie. As I am currently isolating and she was asking for someone to go to the shop for her as she is also isolating, no I haven’t.

OP posts:
berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 10:48

I think it's always irritating to witness aggressive "do-gooders" who don't actually do much good. But unless you yourself actively make an effort to help other people and be kind, the podium of morality is pretty flat.
(not suggesting you should do anything that endangers yourself, but always good to realistically think whether you would be helping out if you were able to).

BoyTree · 20/12/2020 17:02

You could tag one of if those who offered to help to point them in the direction of those who need it.

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