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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Virtue Signalling gone into overdrive tonight!

99 replies

Backtoblack1 · 19/12/2020 22:49

I live in Wales and since the announcement that we will go into total lockdown I cannot believe the amount of ‘good Samaritan’ posts I’ve seen tonight. This one has been copied and pasted on hundreds of profiles:

‘Any of my parent friends, that were waiting until next week to get paid, to do their Christmas shopping for their kids. Give me an inbox and I will do my best .It will be kept private and confidential but please reach out if you need help.

#ifyoucanhelphelp

No parent should have to explain why Santa has not come.’

💙❤💙❤

It’s turning my stomach as some people who post it seem to be itching for some kind of recognition of how saintly they are. Anyone else noticing the same or am I just being mean?

YABU - this is wonderful and we should all adopt the same status

YANBU - this is disingenuous and insincere. They are just glory hunting

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 20/12/2020 01:57

I think if you are helping someone you should keep it private.

DrizzleandDamp · 20/12/2020 02:08

To be fair I guarantee ex won’t have bought kids any gifts yet and he’s in Wales. He never has any money so would wait until the last minute, he’s never paid for them in 5 years but does always try to buy a few gifts (ignoring the new trainers I see him constantly in).

I’m probably going to offer to put his name on mine as I wrap because he’ll feel shit otherwise so he would be one of those waiting to last payday.

Having said that there is Jack chance he’d “reach out”, people post this stuff in the knowledge most other people have too much pride to ask! An easy win with little chance of follow up.

Some have their hearts in the right place, most are glory hunting, and some who o see post it would follow through but would ADORE being someone’s guardian angel and I can’t imagine their unbearable smugness while they do.

bettxmascake · 20/12/2020 02:09

Ours is not full of it, it's all oven cleaning, missing digs and one vile post with a photo of a street with all the houses looking like the Blackpool illuminations and then one house with none which is apparently where Scrooge lives Hmm

Adarajames · 20/12/2020 02:28

I don’t live where I’m currently staying, but I posted something similar a few weeks back. I meant it and when a totally random person I don’t know replied to me asking for help, I got off my arse and went and bought her and her 3 kids a weeks worth of groceries and treats and delivered it. I’m pretty certain I’m not the only one posting such updates who've done this, so don’t be so quick to assume the at none of the posters were actually prepared to actually help out either!

BorderlineHappy · 20/12/2020 02:36

Im part of a FB group that does this. We put people in touch with other people.

So how could we do it if it was private. People have to reach out to give and receive.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 02:54

@BorderlineHappy

Im part of a FB group that does this. We put people in touch with other people.

So how could we do it if it was private. People have to reach out to give and receive.

This is what I don't get when people say it should be done privately. I get that the actual outcome / giving should maybe be done privately as otherwise perhaps it's for kudos but I don't know how people could find out the maximum ways people need support / ways of contributing to charities etc with or asking. More re finding individuals who could really benefit from support.
FluffySocks75 · 20/12/2020 03:23

Oh ffs. People feel shit. It makes them feel better to feel helpful/useful. Gives them a purpose.

Tootytata · 20/12/2020 03:58

I think it's lovely when people offer to help and their offer is genuine. Like a pp said, if it helps one person and makes their life better during this difficult time then it's served a purpose.

If nobody offered any help to others then where would we be? A nation of people who only think of themselves.

When the pandemic started in March, I put a note through the door of my 74 year old neighbour's house with my phone number on it in case she needed help. Her husband just passed away so she was by herself. I ended up doing online food shopping for her for the next 3 months because she was afraid to leave the house. She didn't know how to do online food shopping and didn't have family to help her. She recently told me that she has kept my note because it was one of the kindest things anyone had done for her. If I didn't offer my help then this poor lady would've struggled during the height of the pandemic.

Please don't stop offering to help others.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 20/12/2020 04:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Suzi888 · 20/12/2020 04:50

@LochJessMonster

Those saying they will make and deliver extra Xmas dinners to the vulnerable. Great idea, contaminated food is a direct route into the body 👌🏻
You can’t catch covid from food.
GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 20/12/2020 04:51

@Tootytata

I think it's lovely when people offer to help and their offer is genuine. Like a pp said, if it helps one person and makes their life better during this difficult time then it's served a purpose.

If nobody offered any help to others then where would we be? A nation of people who only think of themselves.

When the pandemic started in March, I put a note through the door of my 74 year old neighbour's house with my phone number on it in case she needed help. Her husband just passed away so she was by herself. I ended up doing online food shopping for her for the next 3 months because she was afraid to leave the house. She didn't know how to do online food shopping and didn't have family to help her. She recently told me that she has kept my note because it was one of the kindest things anyone had done for her. If I didn't offer my help then this poor lady would've struggled during the height of the pandemic.

Please don't stop offering to help others.

That is really wonderful.

I hope it makes you feel good about yourself that you have done something so lovely.

We need more people like you in the world.

Charleyhorses · 20/12/2020 05:11

If you know your friends on Facebook, you will know who genuinely means it and who is a glory seeking taunt who likes other people's misery. Now you have identified the second group, stop following them/delete them.

daisychain01 · 20/12/2020 05:29

@CoRhona

Ours have been 'now I have a huge turkey and would like to feed local people'

Halo

That's a brilliant offer. What's wrong with that?

This "virtue signalling hatred" has already been hammered on another thread, and it says more about the people bitching about people wanting to do a good deed, than it does about the person making the offer.

The sentiment is likely a mix of wanting to help and liking the feeling of helping. Both are positives at such a shitty time.

It is possible for it not to be 100% black or white, there is grey round the edges with this stuff.

cherryunripe · 20/12/2020 05:30

Isn't it strange how differently people see things.....
One sees kindness and another sees showing off.
Personally I prefer to err on the positive.

daisychain01 · 20/12/2020 05:32

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

that's such a thoughtful thing to do.

It's good you're not put off by the cats-bum faces who suck the joy out of anything positive.

Gobbycop · 20/12/2020 05:33

This situation is perfect for virtue signalling gimps 😂

PhilCornwall1 · 20/12/2020 05:55

Twitter is alive with it. It's like a competition to get a New Years honour. On the bright side, it's a funny read.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 20/12/2020 05:57

[quote daisychain01]@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

that's such a thoughtful thing to do.

It's good you're not put off by the cats-bum faces who suck the joy out of anything positive.[/quote]
Oh, I didn't do anything! I just quoted @Tootytata.

She is the one who is thoughtful. Xmas Grin

AlternativePerspective · 20/12/2020 06:21

But there’s a difference between offering genuine help and posting a copy/paste status which will actually probably do the rounds for the next ten Christmases because someone will resurrect it.

If someone is genuine surely they can think up their own, unique way to offer help?

And do people actually read what they’re posting? I remember once reading one of the “if you know someone who has suffered from cancer,” ones, except the wording has now been changed to add something in the beginning which says something along the likes of “it’s been such a hard day and I’m genuinely wondering if I can carry on with the treatment any longer.” I genuinely thought that she had cancer and that I had been unaware, until I then got to the bit which said “I wanted to see who would read this to the very end..” at which point I told her that her post was incredibly insensitive to people who have actually lost someone to cancer and who might feel empathy towards her thinking she was seriously ill and giving up treatment and instead it was just a copy and paste job.

And offering money to complete strangers is an incredibly bad idea and will just enable mor scammers to profit, because the genuinely struggling are usually too proud to ask for cash.

MummaBear4321 · 20/12/2020 06:45

My neighbour has posted about how we all have to sacrifice to save people, and how it's only one christmas apart so we can have many others together #staystrong.

She spent last week staying at her parents house.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 20/12/2020 07:01

We get paid on the 31st of the month, Christmas or no Christmas.
If it wasn't for a couple of people (from Facebook) helping us out, my DC wouldn't be getting anything on Christmas day itself this year. We just about have food because the school sent asda vouchers for the fsm money.
I am very grateful that some people are still willing to help out. to
This year has been truly shit, and made things so much harder than they have ever been for a LOT of families.

inquietant · 20/12/2020 07:05

I can't believe people call offering to help 'virtue signalling' FFS.

Just because you wouldn't piss on someone when they're on fire, it doesn't mean everyone else has to be like that.

HeadPain · 20/12/2020 07:06

YABU

Sorry, the issue is you, not them. They're offering a good thing, you're having a bad reaction to it. So much that it "turns your stomach". Wow. Also you said "I felt shit reading the same posts over and over and have deleted FB tonight because of it." Reflect on that and why it's really making you feel like this, you feel "like shit" because people are offering to do something good for others. Maybe you feel guilty, bad, jealous, bitter, or inadequate because you're not doing it, or something like that and/or you're too busy and stressed enough yourself. You don't have to do it, and if you can't it's not your fault. You don't need to attack others for it though and post a thread to try to get others to attack them.

As others have said to those saying they should do it privately or "quietly"... Um, they can't do it privately. What do you expect them to do... be psychic? Or send a private message to everyone in their village or on the net to ask if they need presents?LOL! Obviously they need to ask it publicly (in their village facebook group) for all (in their village etc) who may need to see, then anyone who needs anything contacts them privately. Like when you're selling something you post it publicly so all who may be interested can see, not private message everyone in the group/internet to see if they want it, lol.

I thought it was odd you had a problem with it when I just thought it was strangers asking other strangers if they needed help because they were poor (like Tamara Ecclestone did) or because of covid rules, now I'm reading again and your other post, I'm finding it even odder that you've got a problem with it when it is just villagers looking out for their fellow villagers if they haven't been able to buy yet and can't go out and buy now because of new covid rules. I am from a village and it's totally normal and lovely to care about each other like that and do things for each other all the time.

For others who have not read, such as:

"NiceGerbil

"The post run won't help anyone.What are they actually offering? What's the point of a public Facebook post? Say I posted it and a friend in I dunno Wales or Greece or USA said great my mum could do with a hot dinner taken round...???Why is it an unpleasant thread? It is bullshit. Without saying what they are offering it's just random bollocks.Going and helping at a fucking food bank or something would be actually useful. Or asking neighbours if they need anything. Are they ok. Actual tangible stuff.What are they actually offering???"

THEY ARE ASKING PEOPLE IN THEIR VILLAGE, who include strangers, ON THE VILLAGE FACEBOOK GROUP or whatever, to contact them privately if they need gifts for their kids if they HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO OUT TO BUY YET AND DUE TO NEW COVID RULES RESTRICTING SHOPPING NOW THEY CAN NOT GO SHOPPING. That's all. It's not that big of a deal. It shouldn't hurt people to see that. It's good that people are behaving like they live in a community. By the sounds of it it's not clear if this is a totally charitable thing or if they'll be paid back for it, maybe they will.

Anyway, it's a lovely thoughtful thing to do and if anyone has a problem with it the issue is with the person/people who has the problem with it, not the person/people doing a kind thing. It says more about you than them. There should be some term for people who find fault with people doing something kind and come to post threads about it for some reason, then other people with the same mentality respond with bitterness in their weird judgemental misery.

Some people want to help others and are able to. You don't need to consider it a personal attack if you are not doing it, or if you can't.

Merry Christmas.

berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 07:29

There's no shame in receiving or offering help. All this "public vs private good deed" nonsense just gives people more excuses to not help.

stoneysongs · 20/12/2020 07:38

The sentiment is likely a mix of wanting to help and liking the feeling of helping. Both are positives at such a shitty time.

Sad to say, but I think there is also sometimes a hint of “I have more money than you”. I know what you mean OP, there are lots of lovely stories of people helping each other, including via my own street’s whatsapp group, but also a lot of copy and paste sanctimoniousness.

“I have Amazon prime if that would help with anyone’s last minute present shopping” is somehow more convincing than “no child should be without presents at this special time of year”. To me, anyway.