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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been told no presents for great-nephew!

79 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2020 14:30

I messaged the mother of my great-nephew yesterday asking what size clothes he was in as I was thinking of getting an outfit/babygro for him for Christmas. She told me she doesn't want any presents for him as 'he has enough' and I could put some money into his savings if I wanted. Now this would have been fine except I've already bought his presents (2 toys and a book). I told her this but said they could be kept at the baby's dad's flat (my nephew - they are not together). She said she didn't want him having toys at his dad's as she already will send his favourite toys when he sees his dad.

I don't know what to do! I don't want to go against her wishes as his mother but I already have the presents bought and wrapped!

OP posts:
ImNotCutOutForThis · 19/12/2020 15:06

Give them to your nephew. And continue to Buy in subsequent years. Do not Engage with her.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2020 15:06

@Emeraldshamrock - I just asked what size clothes the baby was in - not if it was ok to buy him presents. But yes, I won't get an outfit and the money can go in his savings.

OP posts:
Proudboomer · 19/12/2020 15:08

I way would I be giving money as she is not with your nephew and you have no way of knowing she will actually save it for the child.
As you have already bought the gifts then give them to your nephew for his house as she has zero input into what toys or clothes he has for his own chil in his home.
If future gifts might be cash saving then ask your nephew to,porn a child’s account that you can pay into.

Proudboomer · 19/12/2020 15:09

Nothing to do with porn should read to open

Denny53 · 19/12/2020 15:10

@Kb12

That was nice of you but we had so much stuff bought for our 1 year old most of it went straight to the charity shop with tags still on. She's 3 this year, we have asked to limit the amount of presents as the house is full, they take ages to tidy up and there's another baby on the way so we wanted to declutter, but we have been completely ignored again. It's frustrating.
You sound as ungrateful as the mum in the OP thread!
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2020 15:11

@kb12 - they are both young and have little money. There is no family on the mother's side to get presents and only 2 other family members on dad's side to get presents. My nephew has no toys or books at his flat for his baby. To be honest for this reason I bought a little more than I would usually.

OP posts:
cookiecuttercreamandbutter · 19/12/2020 15:11

I think it's so mean not to let older relatives buy clothes. Who cares if they're not worn more than once. It brings them so much pleasure and they can have a picture to cherish.

Denny53 · 19/12/2020 15:12

@cookiecuttercreamandbutter

She can't dictate what toys he has at his dad's.

But to keep on the right side of her, I think I might gift the toys to charity this time and never ask again.

Why would she need to stay on the right side of her?
Chloemol · 19/12/2020 15:12

Ignore her, give them to your nephew and he can open them for him and keep them at his house

Notnownotneverever · 19/12/2020 15:14

As they are separated and the child’s dad is your nephew, I would only communicate with your nephew from now on and think of gifts that can used at the dad’s house only. Like bedding or toys or even gifts towards a trip out for your nephew and his child. The mother doesn’t need to be involved. It could be that actually she doesn’t want to be that involved with your side (her ex’s) of the family anymore now they are not together. Not unkindly but just practically speaking. You aren’t family with her anymore really.

catbunnydog · 19/12/2020 15:14

[quote UndertheCedartree]@kb12 - they are both young and have little money. There is no family on the mother's side to get presents and only 2 other family members on dad's side to get presents. My nephew has no toys or books at his flat for his baby. To be honest for this reason I bought a little more than I would usually.[/quote]
Why does he have no things for the baby in his house? Does he not buy him stuff to play with? That’s not great of him tbh...

Sounds like he could use the stuff. Just communicate with him he’s your nephew, not sure why you were in touch with the mum in the first place

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2020 15:15

@Sorka - I think there are hurt feelings due to their break-up unfortunately which probably explains it. I am sensitive to that and therefore always try to keep the peace. I am related to the baby's dad - my nephew. Yes, she knows him very well. I have known her for 3 years and always got on very well with her.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2020 15:18

Go through your nephew in future. He’s an equal parent. He gets to decide what his son has at his house. Sounds like he’ll be grateful for your generosity. Books and toys always get more use than clothes. I could guarantee that the more special/expensive an outfit DD was given the more likely it would be wrecked within its first outing. One gorgeous John Lewis dress outfit was present for the biggest explosion that ever took place and went straight in the bin.

StatisticalSense · 19/12/2020 15:18

@kb12
There is a massive difference between having to limit what is in your own house and trying to dictate what your ex partner can have in their house. As long as the items that are for the child to play with are age appropriate it is entirely up to the child's dad what he has in his own house.

Patooty · 19/12/2020 15:22

If I was giving money I'd also ask wether your nephew had set a savings account up for his son. Baby can have more than one account and I'd feel weird that the money was being sent via mum when she'd been so rude, and obviously son should be your point of contact as they're seperate and he's your family member.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2020 15:24

@catbunnydog - baby is very young and he has mainly seen the baby at the mum's house. He will start seeing baby at his flat after Christmas hence why I bought things he could have at his flat. He already has some things like Moses basket etc and is getting some toys and books etc for Christmas presents for great-nephew.

I obviously made a mistake contacting nephew's ex. But we have always got on well. We still message sometimes, comment on each others pics of DC etc For the sake of great-nephew I've always tried to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Thewiseoneincognito · 19/12/2020 15:25

She sounds like a twat op. Send the presents to your nephew.

Proudboomer · 19/12/2020 15:26

@AnneLovesGilbert

Go through your nephew in future. He’s an equal parent. He gets to decide what his son has at his house. Sounds like he’ll be grateful for your generosity. Books and toys always get more use than clothes. I could guarantee that the more special/expensive an outfit DD was given the more likely it would be wrecked within its first outing. One gorgeous John Lewis dress outfit was present for the biggest explosion that ever took place and went straight in the bin.
Why would you bin a John Lewis dress which was probably quite expensive just because it got some baby shit on it? Don’t you own a washing machine?
Belepheron · 19/12/2020 15:27

Save them for his birthday?

InTheDrunkTank · 19/12/2020 15:27

Bloody hell that's really rude of her. I'd give the gifts to your nephew, you can never have too many books for a kid so I;m sure your nephew will appreciate the gesture.

I totally get that with generous family kids can accumulate too much stuff but if someone has already bought something (and what you bought is hardly huge) I'd gratefully accept it and donate what I didn't have space for.

Sputnikle · 19/12/2020 15:29

Is it possible that she's really feeling not having family on her side at the moment and this is a bit sore for her? I think I would be in her place. Not that that's your fault at all, obviously. Maybe hold onto the presents/ money until the baby starts staying with his dad and give them then? It's good that you keep in touch with her I think, this is a really hard time for people at the moment, particularly people without family (who have just split up with their partners with a new baby).

cookiecuttercreamandbutter · 19/12/2020 15:29

Denny53

She doesn't. But she'd be as well to, for the child's sake.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2020 15:33

@cookiecuttercreamandbutter - my feelings exactly
@Sputnikle - I really feel for her. I think it must be a very difficult timefor her. I think I'll give the presents to nephew as planned and just ask him not to mention them to save hurt feelings.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 19/12/2020 15:46

You are Auntie to nephew & so it is entirely appropriate to send gifts to son of said nephew, & continue to do so.

Sputnikle · 19/12/2020 15:50

@UndertheCedartree Sounds like a plan - it's really lovely that they all have your thoughtful support :-)