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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your experiences. People keep telling me my 7 year old daughter is going to ‘change’ her personality....

70 replies

Flamingo1980 · 19/12/2020 08:07

I’m curious to know what people have experienced/think about this.

My seven year old daughter has always been a pretty laid back and happy kid. Throughout her life people have noticed this a lot and I’ve had them say things like “oh that won’t last” “that means she will be a nightmare teenager” “oh you wait that will all change when she’s older”.

Which is sort of fine, it’s not like I just expect her to be this easy all of her life but i thought I would ask on here for an opinion as I have no idea having only been a parent for seven years. Is it an old wives tale or is there truth in it? I obviously know teenagers are tricky but is it an entire personality change over?

The only things I have to go on is that I read somewhere that children’s personality is set by the time they are three or four. And that I don’t feel like my personality has changed that much in my life. Except when I was 14 and a complete car crash of a teenager.

Would be interested to hear your experiences and and opinions as someone said it again yesterday and it’s starting to get a bit annoying now if I’m honest...

YANBU - Kids personalities stay pretty much the same.
YABU - Kids personalities change- become the opposite as they grow and mature.

OP posts:
ludothedog · 19/12/2020 08:20

Didn't pick either option.... I have a DD like yours. She is a pre-teen now and has had a bit of a personality transplant. She can be moody and grumpy, I've gone from being the best parent to barely tolerated, but I know underneath all that she is still the same DD.

Waveysnail · 19/12/2020 08:24

All kids become hard work at some point. Whether its pre teens or teens. That's just way it is.

Waveysnail · 19/12/2020 08:25

My eldest is lives in a bubble and let's world flow by but in last year of primary we had a few tears and anxiety and strops. That's just life

QuantumJump · 19/12/2020 08:28

My eldest is 15 now. He was such a lovely sweet thoughtful kid and now he's a typical grumpy teenager, who doesn't want to hug me and moans when I ask him to wash up! I wouldn't say that he's had a complete personality change though. He's still a nice boy.

I think that the people making these comments may be a touch jealous. Like telling the parent of a baby who is a good sleeper "wait till the toddler years!". People always make that sort of comment.

Ginqueen456 · 19/12/2020 08:29

My daughter was a pretty laid back child but she still had her moments. Once she hit teenage years it's like she's had a personalised transplant and is very argumentative! It's getting easier the older she gets so I'm hoping she'll be back to normal by the time she's 19 🤞🤣

Mummadeeze · 19/12/2020 08:29

My DD was a very happy child but at 12 she is anxious and gets quite down. She is still kind and lovely natured but her hormones and new found maturity are definitely affecting her moods.

InTheDrunkTank · 19/12/2020 08:35

I remember reading some research (and I don't have the link to check how strong the actual link was) to state that strong willed, stubborn children have an advantage as teenagers as they're more resistent to peer pressure, where as naturally compliant children tend to go from complying with adults to complying with their peers.

As with any of this though the variation between individuals is so high I really don't think you can anticipate it. One of mine is very stubborn and strong willed and all I hear is 'oh god you'll have a hard time when he's a teenager'. The other is much more laid back and all I hear about her is 'oh that won't last once she's a teenager'. My conclusion is that teenagers become moody and irritable, especially with their parents whatever their personality.

nosswith · 19/12/2020 08:48

There are some traits that are formed early in life- there is some truth in the Jesuit saying of old 'show me the boy until he's seven and I will show you the man'.

JMG1234 · 19/12/2020 08:54

YANBU
The first couple of years aside, my eldest has always been an easy child with a smile on his face. My younger one is an unstoppable force of nature, very loving and does well at school but also highly focused on what he wants to do.

They're now 16 and 14, and pretty much identical to how they were, even through the teenage years. We can leave our eldest to get on with things while my younger needs a beady eye to check what he's getting up to!

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/12/2020 08:55

Their brains quite literally rewire between 12- 25 years old during the re-wiring process it can be tricky.
As the owner of an independent resilient (stubborn) teen she has definitely been resistant to peer pressure - she is proud of the fact she is who she is and if people don't like her that's fine.
With girls the drama seems to start at 10.

parrotonmyshoulder · 19/12/2020 08:55

My DD was a very difficult baby, toddler, small child. She’s 11 now and currently a dream!
Her super easy, laid back baby brother has now hit 8 and I am being hit with a massive amount of debt repayments for those easy years.
He’s a living nightmare!
I’m sure it’ll all even out by the time they’re adults.

NoSquirrels · 19/12/2020 08:55

I can’t vote, neither of your options seem right.

My DC1 is a hormonal preteen now and has definitely gone grumpy and truculent and more difficult to deal with than the 7–year-old version but their personality is exactly the same - this is just exaggerating some traits and the grumpiness is like a coat covering them - it’ll be taken off sometimes and hopefully it’s just a puberty and teen thing.

So I don’t think any child ‘stays the same’ during puberty - indeed they can’t, it’s a radical physical and emotional change - but they don’t have a personality transplant, they’ll come out the other side a version of who they always were.

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/12/2020 08:56

Omg please don’t tell me my four year old personality is ‘set’ 😱😱😱

lazylinguist · 19/12/2020 09:00

Neither of your YANBU/YABU options is reliably the case, obviously. Everyone's different. Some stay pretty similar, lots change a lot, especially towards and during teenage years, then change again when they're over. Even then, some of their personality traits stay the same, while others change. Thinking it's some kind of foregone conclusion that kids will become 'the opppsite' of what they were is ridiculous!

Gonkytonk · 19/12/2020 09:02

DD (14) is still the same as she was when she was 1. Traits that were there at the beginning still remain. She’s constant. Of course now she’s 14 she volatile but that’s just hormones. Her interests have changed over the years but fundamentally her personality is the same.

Beamur · 19/12/2020 09:06

@Waveysnail

All kids become hard work at some point. Whether its pre teens or teens. That's just way it is.
In a nutshell. But I think you do set the scene for your teen years by how you parent your children from the start..
IdblowJonSnow · 19/12/2020 09:09

I think it just depends OP on hormones, what experiences she has, who her mates are etc.

But yanbu to be irritated by people's thoughtless remarks. Maybe they are jeal because their own kids are nightmares?!

Roselilly36 · 19/12/2020 09:12

Don’t listen OP.

My DS was a very laid back baby, toddler, child & teen, nearly 20 now still laid back, calm, polite & helpful. Everything one said he would be a terrible teen, not at all. Never given us any trouble.

DS2 nearly 18, very unsettled as a baby, terrible toddler, wonderful teen, not given us any trouble. He is a very determined person with a great work ethic.

Jealousy is usually behind such comments IMHO.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/12/2020 09:13

Don’t listen to them, OP.
I hate it when people say that teens - especially teen girls - are bound to be a nightmare.
Our dds never were.
SEN aside, having said that, I dare say it is to be expected if the parents are the weak, ineffectual type who’ve always allowed their dcs to be rude and badly behaved, and just shrug in that helpless, ‘What can you expect?’ manner.

SpiderGwen · 19/12/2020 09:13

They completely change, but not necessarily into the opposite, just in new directions. And yes, it definitely presents challenges.

Letsrunabath · 19/12/2020 09:14

My daughter was the model child until she turned 14 then she went totally off the rails, she is now a young adult and absolutely lovely. My son was a typical on the go non stop child but he’s always had a lovely thoughtful temperament and is still the same in his 20s.
Just wait and see don’t worry and enjoy the differences.

bluebluezoo · 19/12/2020 09:14

It’s gender stereotyping again. Girls turn from quiet, easily managed children to stroppy moody bitchy teens. Boys turn from hyperactive nightmares to laid back eating machines.

Makes sense if you think about it. If you have girls who are expected to be compliant, and do others bidding, when they find their independence they rebel and seem to change personality, when in reality they are refusing to please others.

My eldest has been the same throughout. She’s late teens now and has never really had a “teen phase”. Yes we’ve had occasional words, but no more than any relationship.

Youngest is struggling a bit more as she lets social issues and peers affect her. This means her self esteem is lower so she lets things get to her. Which often means a word taken the wrong way leads to tears and upset.

As a teen I struggled and hated that any upset or issues was dismissed as “hormones”. I actually had some real problems, and would have benefitted from counselling and probably a change of school. But I couldn’t articulate so was a “stroppy teen” and just constantly punished or told off for my behaviour, or told I was being hormonal and should grow up. It felt like I couldn’t say anything or offer an opinion without getting into trouble.

Neolara · 19/12/2020 09:15

Have you ever watched that program "7 up"? It has follows the lives of a number of people and has caught up with them every 7 years from the age of 7. They are now in their 60s I think. They usually show clips from previous episodes so you can see how their lives and personalities have grown and changed. I have been struck by how constant the people's characters have remained throughout their lives, with the exception of the teenage years where they all go a bit bonkers, and to a lesser extent age 21 ( although some have moved much more back to towards their "normal" state by then).

lcdododo · 19/12/2020 09:16

And that I don’t feel like my personality has changed that much in my life. Except when I was 14 and a complete car crash of a teenager.

You've literally answered your own question here

dontdisturbmenow · 19/12/2020 09:18

My DD was a very easy child (pass the baby stage as she suffered from colic and was a nightmare). I too was told that would change. It never did. Teenagehood came with no drama whatsoever and she transitioned into adulthood in perfect ease.

I look back at my three kids and I can definitel say that the traits that define them most were there even as babies. I never thought how much personality is inherited until I had my children and was able to look back.