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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your experiences. People keep telling me my 7 year old daughter is going to ‘change’ her personality....

70 replies

Flamingo1980 · 19/12/2020 08:07

I’m curious to know what people have experienced/think about this.

My seven year old daughter has always been a pretty laid back and happy kid. Throughout her life people have noticed this a lot and I’ve had them say things like “oh that won’t last” “that means she will be a nightmare teenager” “oh you wait that will all change when she’s older”.

Which is sort of fine, it’s not like I just expect her to be this easy all of her life but i thought I would ask on here for an opinion as I have no idea having only been a parent for seven years. Is it an old wives tale or is there truth in it? I obviously know teenagers are tricky but is it an entire personality change over?

The only things I have to go on is that I read somewhere that children’s personality is set by the time they are three or four. And that I don’t feel like my personality has changed that much in my life. Except when I was 14 and a complete car crash of a teenager.

Would be interested to hear your experiences and and opinions as someone said it again yesterday and it’s starting to get a bit annoying now if I’m honest...

YANBU - Kids personalities stay pretty much the same.
YABU - Kids personalities change- become the opposite as they grow and mature.

OP posts:

HelloDulling · 19/12/2020 09:20

If their attitude changes and they becoming moody/stroppy with hormone chaos, that doesn’t mean their personality has changed.

timeisnotaline · 19/12/2020 09:21

They can change. My brother was a complete follower when young, just wanted to do the same as the ‘cool kids’. He hit a switch somewhere around 10-12 and became a complete freewheeling individual who did whatever he wanted.
I was so quiet my nickname was about me being quiet. No one at high school university and life since really believes that.

DailyPotion · 19/12/2020 09:24

My DS1 was a very highly strung 7/8/9 yo with an incredible sense of right and wrong, which would often lead to temper outbursts at injustice. As a teenager, he was far more laid back. He used to try to be a sulky teenager sometimes but he couldn't keep it up with a straight face

As a 19yo, he's just as highly principled but he's learned to channel it constructively and makes me burst with pride.

DS2 was much more easy going as a child and whilst he was no trouble as a young teenager, he did change from being happy golucky and full of confidence to really quite introverted. At 17 he's got a strong self confidence in his own ability to do things but he's still very shy.

Yes, they change and develop, it's wonderful though, not a problem.

Kim82 · 19/12/2020 09:26

My ds was an absolute dream when he was younger, well behaved and so sweet. He got in with the wrong crowd when he was around 13 and was an absolute bloody nightmare for years, it was like he’d morphed into a complete stranger. He’s now 19, has moved out and we appear to have got past the worst years thank god! He visits all the time, is lovely and happy, has a good job, speaks to us nicely again and his youngest sister has him wrapped around her little finger.

Dd1 is now 16, has always been lovely and laid back, still is. She’s kind, patient and I genuinely don’t recall ever having any teenage arguments with her. She’s never given us moments bother.

Dd2 is 13. When younger she was a complete live wire, well behaved but a little nutcase and massive bundle of energy. She’s now going very much the same way as dd1 and is very chilled and go with the flow, we’ve had no arguments with her at all yet. This may change as she’s still only 13 but she’s very sensible now and has definitely calmed down as she’s got older.

Dd3 is 6, is even more of a fruitcake than dd2 was and it remains to be seen whether this will change as she gets older.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 19/12/2020 09:34

My DD was a laid back child. When she got to her teens she was still laid back. No stroppy backchat, no heavy sighs and no trouble at all. She had the odd hissy fit but nothing that caused any dramas and she would apologise soon after with no prompting from anyone. Now in her late 20's she is still the funny, quirky laid back person that she was in her childhood, her personality has not changed one bit over time.

ParlezVousWronglais · 19/12/2020 09:34

I think it’s an individual thing. The potential turmoil of adolescence can shake things up a bit/ lot but not necessarily.

My niece was like your DD at that age. She was not at all a nightmare teenager and her temperament and personality is still the same in her early 20s.

Cam2020 · 19/12/2020 09:40

No-one knows how hormones will hit, but what is certain is that people seem to take great delight in painting a horrific picture, which isn't very nice at all!

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 19/12/2020 09:40

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 19/12/2020 09:42

DD is a preteen and pretty much how she's always been.
From a teaching perspective though year 7 and the beginning of year 8 are lovely then after about Yr 8 Christmas to September of year 10 students are a lot harder work, prime years for puberty. They tend to mellow a bit after that and return to more mature versions of their year 7 selves.

FestiveDigestives · 19/12/2020 09:43

DD is 12 and has changed. Change is inevitable! It wasn’t overnight and isn’t as black and white as ‘she was so easy and lovely and now she’s a nightmare!’. She was a shy, sunny-natured pre-schooler. She came out of her shell and became more confident and a bit more serious in nature in primary school. She’s very serious, a bit more reserved and quite humorous now she’s in secondary school, with a bit of moody hormonal stuff thrown in. I’m sure she’ll change again...we all do.

Original poster

Flamingo1980 · 19/12/2020 09:48

Thanks for your contributions everyone. Some really interesting reading!

OP posts:

1stTimeMama · 19/12/2020 09:49

My eldest is 11 now, she started to change around 9 and is now certainly not the happy go lucky little girl I raised. I would definitely prepare myself if I were you.

bluebluezoo · 19/12/2020 09:57

Sometimes, it is not the parents' fault, it is just that the child is wayward but often it is because of the parents' lax attitude

I would say the opposite . The parents who’ve had “nightmare” teens are the ones who expect their child to do what they say and not argue. The smug parents with the perfectly behaved, desperate to please little girls who suddenly want to do what they want, and not what their parents think they should do.

I include my own in that. I was a reflection on them and they basked in a small child that sat nicely, did what they asked and deferred to adults at all times.

When they got a teen that wanted to choose their own clothes, go out with friends, stand up for themselves when they didn’t agree with something, they struggled and the rules and disapproval got stricter. Relaxing the rules and allowing me to make my own decisions instead of imposing what they thought was best would probably have diffused much of the tension.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 19/12/2020 10:05

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ChequerBoard · 19/12/2020 11:10

Ignore them OP. My DD was just the same. A lovely sunny child with an easy going personality. She has just turned 18 and is still the same. She definitely has opinions and isn't afraid to express them, but we don't have any issues with her behaviour and our relationship with her is as close and strong as it ever has been. The teenage years have actually been some of the most enjoyable, no strops and strife here.

DS is 13 going on 14 and whilst he is more of an introvert, so far he is just as lovely as ever too.

ancientgran · 19/12/2020 11:14

I have 4 adult children, I'd say two are pretty well the same personality as when they were children, one hyperactive little monster is the most laid back adult you could find, one bad tempered very difficult child has morphed into the most considerate of the lot.

Like everything in life there isn't one right answer.

ancientgran · 19/12/2020 11:17

From a teaching perspective though year 7 and the beginning of year 8 are lovely then after about Yr 8 Christmas to September of year 10 students are a lot harder work, prime years for puberty. They tend to mellow a bit after that and return to more mature versions of their year 7 selves. All the teachers I know say this pretty much word for word. Although I have to say my most difficult child was an angel according to teachers.

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/12/2020 11:17

@ancientgran

Like everything in life there isn't one right answer.

Oh thank god there is hope 🥴

Snozzlemaid · 19/12/2020 11:21

DD's always been an 'easy' child. She was more challenging when starting going through puberty at about 9 or 10 and she would get incredibly angry for the slightest thing. Hormones obviously were to blame.
By the time she started secondary school that settled down and she's been the same all through teen years to today as a 19 year old.

Angrymum22 · 19/12/2020 11:22

DS 16 has gone through a couple of grumpy years but is gradually returning to his amiable laid back self. He hasn’t hugged me yet but did hold my shoulder at rugby training the other day. Yesterday he volunteered to go grocery shopping with me, this may have been to avoid starting his mock gcse revision though.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 19/12/2020 11:23

IIRC I once read a study that said by 7 a child's personality is set.

I also have an incredibly laid back DD, very easy going but also stands up for herself and recognises and asserts her boundaries. Friends with 7yo's who are still more like toddlers often tell me she will be a terrible teenager. Just ignore them!

GlummyMcGlummerson · 19/12/2020 11:24

@ancientgran

As a teacher I agree with this.

user1487194234 · 19/12/2020 11:37

My DD is 18 and has not hit a moody stage yet
People sometimes talk crap

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 19/12/2020 11:39

It’s not inevitable at all. Both my DDs have been pretty steady since they were born. Both contented as babies, sleeping through the night within the first week for DD1 and about a fortnight for DD2. They were happy little girls and neither ever (and I promise I do mean not ever) had temper tantrums during the early years. Neither one of them has been a stroppy teenager either, even going through puberty. We all get along really well and quite frankly have a lovely time together. They are not likely to ever be walkovers though, they’re both strong willed and independent, and always have been, and they’re certainly not people pleasers, which is a good thing. They are however both thoughtful and empathetic. If your DD has always been easy going and even tempered, there’s no reason to think that will change. Yes I guess personalities do mature but if you’re being told you’ve got a nightmare to look forward to, not necessarily.

ancientgran · 19/12/2020 11:44

@justanotherneighinparadise Oh thank god there is hope There is always hope. When my really difficult nightmare child phones and we chat, or he sends me a surprise gift I am still surprised. I'm not sure I will ever stop being amazed at the lovely kind adult he has become.

I think some people just aren't meant to be children, he hated being a baby, hated being a child and once he got to 17 or 18 things eased a bit. I'd say by 25 he had become the man he is. I don't think it is unreasonable to say it was like a miracle. I imagined we'd end up estranged either because he must hate us to behave the way he did or because I'd get to the point I couldn't take any more.

I think he went from one extreme to the other but yes there is always hope.

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