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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of a refuge

56 replies

Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 17:30

I may need to go into a refuge.
But I feel like a fraud and that I dont really need one. I want to get out of this relationship as husband sexually abuses me by previously forcing me to have sex many different times and then recently touching me when I'm asleep.
Does things I dont like and have explained I dont like. Such as grabbing my fat on my stomach.
Trying to be sexual around the children. Not in full view but nearby.
I think he can be unfair to children and not listen to them. He can be rigid and inflexible but not sure if anything is abuse with them. But I definitely dont like the way he parents.
I feel like I'm no an emergency but dont know what other way i can leave
Womens aid have offered me a place in a refuge when I'm ready.
I'm scared for the kids will they be traumatised. We will have to move quite a way away. What about school?
What happens next?
What's the right thing to do

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 18/12/2020 17:32

Women's refuge don't offer places unless they consider that you are need of one. Please remember that. I'm so sorry for your situation. But he can't go in abusing you x

Meruem · 18/12/2020 17:35

You wouldn’t have been offered a place if it wasn’t warranted. There is tons of support once you’re in the refuge, I was in one many years ago now (nearly 30 years!) they will help you sort out finances, school places etc etc. You don’t need to do this alone. I got so much help and me and my DC were able to start a new happy life. I have never regretted it. My DC were tiny at the time but kids do take this stuff in their stride. They’re much more adaptable than you think. As long as they have you, they will be fine.

Lightsabre · 18/12/2020 17:37

Please find the strength to take up this offer. Your 'd'h sounds vile. His behaviour could escalate further and your children could be dragged inadvertently into his abusive behaviour. I'm sure they are already aware to a certain extent of what is happening. Yes, they may be unsettled for a while but they may also be very relieved you and they are safe. Sadly it is your duty in this situation to protect them and yourself.

BertieBotts · 18/12/2020 17:39

Oh OP try not to worry. I've definitely seen posts from women who've been in refuges on here before, and it's probably not as bad as you think. I will try and find some to share with you.

bearlyactive · 18/12/2020 17:39

They're going to be more traumatised if you stay than if you leave, OP.

Well done for making the decision to leave, I hope it goes well. Flowers

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/12/2020 17:39

I don't know which way to vote but I think you need to take up the refuge place. You really do need to get away.

Thelnebriati · 18/12/2020 17:40

Bless you, most women think that other women have it so much worse that they dont deserve the space they are offered.
The fact is that abuse will shift your sense of whats ok and normal and safe.

Take the shelter space. Flowers

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 17:43

I feel scared of the future and after the refuge most
She hinted that he could gain access to the kids. He only really properly sees them 1 and a half days a week atm due to work and I'm there all the time. What about them going to see him all alone. Scared of that. She said lots of women in abusive situations the dads do gain access after but she said it only matters what I do for the kids. But I just want to be there to protect them. Are they better off now with me there and 1 day a week or 2 days without ms

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 17:44

Thanks so much everyone and will give those threads a read tonight

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2020 17:44

It's ok to be scared but please accept it you need away from him.

Thanks
Suzi888 · 18/12/2020 17:46

Go OP, I work in housing. Depends where you live, but no harm asking how long you’ll need to stay there for. It’ll be a massive step towards securing your own property.
They wouldn’t offer you a place if you didn’t need it.
You need to get away from your abuser. The hostel /refuge should be local to the area, no need to change schools. At least not in this area, it may depend on your circumstances though. Your children will be fine, there will be a lot of help for you all.

AvoidingRealHumans · 18/12/2020 17:46

I went to a refuge with my 1 year old and despite being terrified it was the best decision I ever made.
My first night there I just cried because I couldn't belive my life had come to this and the second day I felt like a huge weight had been lifted on my shoulders.
I was given a support worker and she helped me with everything from sorting out rent, benefits, applying for housing and everything else I needed help with.
I applied for housing and eventually moved out of there into a new house with my son.
It is such a massive decision and so daunting but you deserve to be safe and so you deserve a space at a refuge.
Good luck

Lightsabre · 18/12/2020 17:49

What are your fears about him having access to the children? The refuge workers will help you to sort things out if you feel he may be abusive towards them. There are legal avenues that can be explored.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 17:49

I think they will have to change schools it's over an hour away. We live in a rural area and refuge is in a town far away.

OP posts:
Iwouldlikesomecake · 18/12/2020 17:49

OP I remember your other threads. Please go to the refuge. This is not a nice man, a kind man. He’s horrible to your daughter. He abuses you. I’m so glad you finally were able to access women’s aid. If they have offered you this it won’t be a light decision.

It might be hard going into a refuge but it is definitely going to be harder in the long term seeing your daughter grow up being shouted at and gaslit and you having to live with the anxiety of never being able to escape him. Flowers

Whyistheteacold · 18/12/2020 18:08

Hi op. My mum, me, dsis and dbrother went into a women's refuge when I was 9 (sis 3 and brother 2). We lived there for around a month before the council housed us. At the time we really didn't understand what was happening, and my mum kind of made it fun for us. It felt like a little holiday (no school, we all watched movies together in the double bed, extra snacks that we wouldn't normally be able to have etc). As an adult looking back, I realise how hard it must have been for her. But she made it like a camp for us! We never knew anything was going on. Any disruption caused be being in the refuge was better than her sadness and the shouting, violence etc in the family home. 🌼

InTheDrunkTank · 18/12/2020 18:13

Please go to the refuge OP. My friend went and was feeling like you - worried about who else would be there, she said it was actually incredibly supportive and unjudgemental.

Namechange8471 · 18/12/2020 18:36

Please go to the refuge op.

Your husband is abusive, it will impact your kids.

My dad was similar, he eventually broke my mother's arm before she left.

He never abused me but years later when bumping into me, was staring at my breasts. He eventually asked me to have sex with him and threatened me.

God knows what would have happened it my brave mother didn't leave him.

Like your 'D' H, he adored me as a baby, but people like that always put their own needs first.

You can do this op Flowers

Audreyseyebrows · 18/12/2020 18:37

Op, accept the help. It won’t be easy but it is the beginning of your new life away from him. You and the children can be safe and happy.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 18/12/2020 18:43

You’re not a fraud at all. Refuge places are not offered over small things, I promise you that. My kids and I were in one for a year. I was scared too and expected the absolute worst. It really wasn’t. It was difficult at times but it would have been so much worse if I’d stayed. In my personal experience sexual abuse escalates at alarming speed- my ex’s abuse towards me definitely did.

TheSockMonster · 18/12/2020 18:49

Do you have the means to safety leave this man whilst keeping your children safe and well cared for? No? Then a refuge is absolutely for you.

There is more than one type of abuse.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 19:11

See I dont think our relationship follows the normal pattern of abuse. It isnt getting worse. It has been the same for years....so that makes me feel like I must r wrong. Also alot of the time he is ok.
It all feels a bit dramatic to go as in not in danger. He doesnt hurt me. Could I solve this another way?I feel bad using resources that could go to other people

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2020 19:21

What do you think would happen if you filed for divorce and moved out the marital bed?

Why haven't you started the divorce process already?

Aknifewith16blades · 18/12/2020 19:26

OP he is hurting you. He's sexually abusing you. When you say he 'Does things I dont like and have explained I dont like' that is enough.

A refuge will help you get your head straight and give you a chance to decide what to do next. I donate money to Women's Aid and I promise you when I do, I'm doing it for women like you and for your children.