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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of a refuge

56 replies

Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 17:30

I may need to go into a refuge.
But I feel like a fraud and that I dont really need one. I want to get out of this relationship as husband sexually abuses me by previously forcing me to have sex many different times and then recently touching me when I'm asleep.
Does things I dont like and have explained I dont like. Such as grabbing my fat on my stomach.
Trying to be sexual around the children. Not in full view but nearby.
I think he can be unfair to children and not listen to them. He can be rigid and inflexible but not sure if anything is abuse with them. But I definitely dont like the way he parents.
I feel like I'm no an emergency but dont know what other way i can leave
Womens aid have offered me a place in a refuge when I'm ready.
I'm scared for the kids will they be traumatised. We will have to move quite a way away. What about school?
What happens next?
What's the right thing to do

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 18/12/2020 20:08

So glad they've offered you a space OP and please don't feel it's 'not bad enough', we all think it is and WA clearly agree. I know you're scared, just the scale of change going to the refuge will bring is scary on its own let alone everything else but it is the right thing to do, you can't live like this anymore. The thought of him carrying on doing this to you for the next 5, 10, 20 years is what's really scary, the refuge will be a breeze compared to that.

No one can give you cast iron assurances that he won't get access to DC but the more honest you can be with the refuge staff, any services they refer you to and CAFCASS etc when it comes to court to be decided the better chance you have it will be supervised/restricted access.

I so hope you take the space, it's the starting point for getting help to build a new life for you and DC and you deserve to be free of his abuse Flowers

WitchOfTheWest · 18/12/2020 20:29

But I feel like a fraud and that I dont really need one.

I followed your last thread. Please go. You are not a fraud. He's an abuser and a rapist. Thanks

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 21:18

Thanks everyone one minute I feel confident that I can leave and everyone will be better off. Bect minute in doubting it and if it's best for the children. Sometimes think I'm the monster for taking them away and making a hig deal out of things.
Someone asked shy I hadnt divorced him. I only recently really realised the abuse and I'm worried about what he will be like when I tell him
....
That's it really. Maybe that is an option?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2020 21:31

"I'm worried about what will
happen when I tell him"

See that's why you need the refuge! You have been too frightened to call him out on the abuse, too frightened to say no to sex you don't want...

StillWeRise · 18/12/2020 21:35

'I'm worried what it will be like when I tell him'
right now you are keeping yourself safe, in the short term, by not telling him. This is because you are scared of him. This is because you know he is dangerous....you just daren't admit it 'out loud' to yourself. If he is dangerous for you he is also dangerous for your children.
Please take the space you have been offered. ALL the practical stuff can be sorted when you arrive if needs be. Women and children regularly turn up in nothing but the clothes on their backs. Schools, benefits, future housing and most importantly your sense of your self...the staff there will help you with all of that.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 18/12/2020 22:34

But he might not do anything and it might just be me being dramatic. I do tell him things I'm not happy about all the time now. Just he rarely listens. Or he just does it anyway. Like the grabbing my stomach fat.
I've said no to sex lots of times too

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 18/12/2020 22:38

go back and re read what you said in your OP. Hear it in the voice of your best friend or sister. Imagine an adult daughter saying that to you in 20 years time. Would you say- nah, you're making too much fuss, it's nothing really.
Or would you say, OMG that's awful, he shouldn't be doing that, you need to get out.
?

Catmaiden · 19/12/2020 04:35

Oh OP I have read your threads, please go to the refuge!

theblackparade · 19/12/2020 05:04

Please, OP, you need to go to the refuge. I know you’re panicking now thinking about custody but just take it one day at a time. You and your children are unsafe with him, but will be safe at the refuge. Please, please go.

SpudulikaSlob · 19/12/2020 05:07

I've worked in refuges, at Christmas time everyone does their best to make it nice for the children. The women tend to make friends and talk to each other so they're not alone.

Of course it's scary but much better that than for your children to see you treated this way, and even worse, for them to think it's normal. I hope you go.

Bewilderedkitten · 19/12/2020 05:22

I have read your other threads. I kept an eye on your thread while I was at work yesterday to see how the meeting went. I was so please you were offered a place. You say he doesn't hurt you but he sexually assults you constantly. He is hurting you. You have a right to your own body. You have a right to sleep at night without fear of him using your body for his own pleasure. Your husband is disgusting.

Please don't worry about the children. I was in a refuge when I was little. It was an exciting adventure. I only have happy memories of our time there.

CrotchBurn · 19/12/2020 05:56

OP I read your other thread. Yes, he's abusive. He uses your body like a sex doll and tries to dirty talk you when the kids are right there.

Your posta were exhausting to read. He doesnt give you a single minute of a single say to let your guard down. Your life is being pawed at, being fondled, day in and day out. Your life is my idea of a nightmare.

To top it all off he has started trying to control your daughter. Wasnt it you whose husband started screaming at your daughter and wouldnt let her pick a flower?

Youve had so much good advice in that thread. This man is horrible. Just horrible.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 19/12/2020 20:30

Thanks everyone. Just worry I make it sound worse than it is or maybe I'm doing things to make him act this way. We arent having sex atm so maybe this is why he acts this way.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/12/2020 20:45

No, I think it's extremely hard to see the full horror of this kind of thing when you're in it. Because it's just your ordinary everyday life, how can it be that bad?

It is only when you are out you gain the perspective and realise. It's hard.

It's never OK for somebody to force sex on you. There is absolutely nothing you could do or not do that would make it OK.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 19/12/2020 20:58

But he hasnt done that in a long time only touched me in my sleep. Just dont want to make out it's worse than it is

OP posts:
cyounexttuesday · 19/12/2020 20:58

@Chickencuddle I have quickly read this thread, I'm sorry I haven't read your previous thread, but just from what you have said on this thread you are in an abusive relationship.
You say that you don't know if it is abuse as it's not getting worse, very often it doesn't get worse until we 'step out of line' so while ever you are 'complying' he doesn't need to escalate the abuse. But it is definitely abuse, he is sexually and emotionally abusing you. The emotional abuse has robbed you of your self worth, hence why you don't believe you deserve a refuge place.
I work for a domestic abuse charity, we have refuges and I echo previous posts in that you wouldn't have been offered a place if Women's Aid didn't think you needed it.
It is so difficult to see the abuse when you're in the middle of it, but time in a refuge combined with the help and support you'll receive will give the space to think clearly. Don't worry about what you'll do after the refuge, you'll be better able to cope by then.
You deserve so much more than you have now. Take care x

VictoriasCousin · 19/12/2020 22:26

IME refuge was scary and daunting initially, and I didn't find it an easy time, but it was also so necessary and it gave me and my kids our lives back. It baffles me now that I ever lived with a man like that and normalised his behaviour. Refuge gave me long enough to see him for what he is and his behaviour for what it was. Abuse

WhatTheFuckHappenedHere · 26/12/2020 23:18

How are you OP? I hope you’re safe!

dublingirl66 · 27/12/2020 18:07

How have you been?

I'm not too far from you

Could l help somehow?

emptyplinth · 27/12/2020 18:10

Also been wondering about you op, how are you?

thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2020 18:30

OP I have read your other thread and I can tell you you definitely need to get out.

It’s understandable that you are anxious about this but don’t talk yourself out d this.

Your husband is massively and frighteningly abusive and frankly you risk SS involvement if you stay.

Please focus on what you have to do.

dublingirl66 · 27/12/2020 18:44

Why can't he be put out of the house?
You are a young mother with kids

You did nothing wrong

BashfulClam · 27/12/2020 18:46

Go to the refuge , you will be protected from this sex pest. You can fight against him having access and he may only be allowed to see the kids at a supervised contact centre. He will not be allowed the address of the refuge as it’s a safe place, my friend was in one and from the outside you would never know it was one. The kids had a playroom all together which gave the mind a break bc and fine to deal with paperwork etc. She then got moved to lovely wee flat via the housing association. Her husband had been a bit controlling but never violent until out of the blue he accused her (wrongly) of having a affair then he attacked her, tried to strangle her and raped her. She knew she had to leave so sweet talked him telling him how much she loved him and apologising for making him feel insecure. Then she lifted her and the kids passports and went to pick the youngest up from school and grabbed all three at once and went straight to the police. The police were fantastic and all 3 were in a refuge that night.

glitterfarts · 27/12/2020 18:48

Trying to have sex with you around or near the children is sexual abuse to them also.

Please leave.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 27/12/2020 18:52

I just feel a bit dramatic and can I know I need to leave but is his the best way? I'm worried for the kids. For school. Their friends. Their possessions. Everything they know. Their whole lives. They are unaware anything is wrong and it's a pretty traumatic way of leaving for them.
I feel like I'm being dramatic in leaving that way.

OP posts: