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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people should realise that commenting on a child skin colour is inappropriate?

73 replies

ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 17:18

I have 3 dc who are mixed race, one has a slightly darker skin tone than the others. Strangers always need to point it out. Always. I get comments like "that ones a bit brown", "did that one get left out in the sun?" or "do your children have the same dad?" followed by a "really? I'd never have guessed!"

The child in question is 2 and has no idea what any of this means but its starting to really upset me. I don't want her to feel othered or different from her brothers, or that everyone is staring at her when she goes out.

OP posts:
Popcornismandatory · 18/12/2020 17:44

Of course it's inappropriate but I'm sure you know this already Confused

Tinselandbaubauls · 18/12/2020 17:56

Yes inappropriate. Gobsmacked anyone would say anything like that. My nieces and nephews are mixed race, my sister hasn’t had that thankfully.

StrawBeretMoose · 18/12/2020 18:00

Of course YANBU, can't think why a small number of people have voted otherwise.

It is not on to comment about this, nor to talk about children having 'wiry hair like a dish scourer' (MIL).

Maybe you could say it's not a polite comment. Anyone asking if they have the same dad though it's none of their fucking business.

Original poster
ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 18:02

@Popcornismandatory

Of course it's inappropriate but I'm sure you know this already Confused
Its more so the frequency that its happening makes me think other people dont know its inappropriate for some reason. Obviously I think it is, but I don't know what to do about it. Its not like its an old prejudiced relative who I can have a word with - its random people who come over to have a look in the pushchair and then feel the need to comment. I don't want DD feeling upset by it, she's not old enough to yet but I worry about if people continue to say this as she gets older.
OP posts:
Comefromaway · 18/12/2020 18:09

Totally inappropriate.

My friend had the opposite. Her mother had Indian heritage but her dad was white. She and her sister were very white looking but her brother looked much darker, you can tell he’s mixed race. He went to a different school and only her closest friends like me had ever met the rest of her family.

One day they were seen together by kids at our school who didn’t know she was mixed. There were then loads of comments and she was asked if her brother was a p did that mean she was a p too.

(Geography obviously was not their strong point).

Original poster
ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 18:11

@Comefromaway

Totally inappropriate.

My friend had the opposite. Her mother had Indian heritage but her dad was white. She and her sister were very white looking but her brother looked much darker, you can tell he’s mixed race. He went to a different school and only her closest friends like me had ever met the rest of her family.

One day they were seen together by kids at our school who didn’t know she was mixed. There were then loads of comments and she was asked if her brother was a p did that mean she was a p too.

(Geography obviously was not their strong point).

People are so shit. Thats the same as my family, my husband is Indian and I am white. My sons look Italian or Greek maybe, you wouldn't immediately assume Asian heritage whereas my daughter looks definitely Indian. Absolutely fed up of people commenting on it at this point mainly because I don't want it to upset the kids.
OP posts:
mbosnz · 18/12/2020 18:12

It's unreal, isn't it? Both me and DH are Pakeha (European descent NZ'ers), but my second daughter had a darker skin - possibly from Welsh/Spanish heritage. I had one lady, clearly thinking she was being terribly enlightened, comment on my 'dear little Maori baby'. When I went out with my friend, who was Maori, who had a very lightskinned baby, and I with my relatively darkskinned baby, everyone would assume that her baby was mine, and mine was hers!

allthingsred · 18/12/2020 18:22

It is completely unacceptable but you know this. Sadly it is so common & one of those things that you will end up biting your tounge with or else fighting the world. I'm mixed and had this a lot growing up when out with my mother & siblings, then having children of my own my middle child is blonde hair green eyes when next to her dark hair dark skinned sister people were always shocked they were related & both were mine. It used to rile me so much. Had to learn to just smile & grit my teeth when people commented

FestiveChristmasLights · 18/12/2020 18:28

Yanbu.

Some people do just comment about all kinds of things without thinking before the speak eg about children with a clearly very small age gap, very large age gap, different appearances etc.

Original poster
ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 18:35

@allthingsred

It is completely unacceptable but you know this. Sadly it is so common & one of those things that you will end up biting your tounge with or else fighting the world. I'm mixed and had this a lot growing up when out with my mother & siblings, then having children of my own my middle child is blonde hair green eyes when next to her dark hair dark skinned sister people were always shocked they were related & both were mine. It used to rile me so much. Had to learn to just smile & grit my teeth when people commented
Do you have any advice on how to deal with it when DD gets older and starts becoming aware of these comments? Thats my main issue. I used to just roll my eyes but it happens with such frequency that I'm concerned it will continue and I'm not sure what to do about it as I didn't experience this issue myself
OP posts:
YellowPostItPad · 18/12/2020 18:40

I get lots of comments about my children's height. People say dumb things all the time.
To be fair I have said plenty of things that I cringe at now. Sometimes my brain is slow to engage.

FTMF30 · 18/12/2020 18:43

Where do you live OP? I'm in total shock, especially at the "left out in the sun" comment.

Giningit · 18/12/2020 18:45

Sorry that you have to deal with that nonsense OP. I would have a witty comeback ready to hand for these situations. Not only will it put the ignorant fools in their place, so hopefully they wouldn’t repeat it to anyone else, but you’re also modelling positive behaviour to your DC by doing this.

ToughLoveLDN · 18/12/2020 18:48

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Im mixed Indian and white, have 2 brothers one who is significantly darker. Growing up we used to get asked all the time if the darker brother was adopted etc. But it really didn't affect us at all as our mum made sure we were all proud of our heritage.

Lollypop701 · 18/12/2020 18:48

So glad you could point that out, I hadn’t realised that my child is so beautiful. I’m lucky all my children are so lucky with their genes! I feel for you op, honestly I cannot understand why people think these things, never mind speak them

iano · 18/12/2020 18:50

Grim! I'm sorry op. What do you say to them? I think it's worth thinking about a good response to show your child they are the problem. I wish I had one...
I have a similar problem. One DS could pass as white. I'm mixed. The amount of 'are nanny?', 'did he get swapped at birth' and 'postman rang twice' comments is unreal. Idiots!

Original poster
ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 18:51

We live on the border of the North and Midlands, fairly rurally but we aren't the only family around here where we aren't all white so I don't know why people act like its such a novelty. The sun comment did come from a very old person so perhaps they weren't aware that it was very offensive. Thank you to those whove said it didn't really bother you to get such comments, that's reassuring because my biggest worry is it hurting the kids feelings as they get older.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 18/12/2020 18:53

I think I'd be quite blunt and say, well, that's a bit of a silly thing to say, I'm sure you are aware that mixed race families exist, and the mix of chromosomes and genetics can mean that children come out looking differently, just as they do in same race families.

Original poster
ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 18:54

@iano

Grim! I'm sorry op. What do you say to them? I think it's worth thinking about a good response to show your child they are the problem. I wish I had one... I have a similar problem. One DS could pass as white. I'm mixed. The amount of 'are nanny?', 'did he get swapped at birth' and 'postman rang twice' comments is unreal. Idiots!
My normal response is just a deadpan "they're mixed race. She has her dads skintone, the boys have mine." while maintaining eye contact and they generally shut up about it after that. Its just disappointing, I never imagined people would constantly comment on it.

They never do it when my husband takes the kids out or when we are together either. Its when its me and the kids.

OP posts:
VirtualLearning · 18/12/2020 18:54

Yanbu

I met an old friend’s DC after not seeing her for some time and she quietly thanked me after for not commenting on her children’s beautiful red hair when they arrived (my friend has dark hair as does her DH). It didn’t occur to me to as I hadn’t expected it but just said how lovely to meet you but I did take something away from it, to be even more careful not to comment on anything that so many people must unconsciously do . I felt very protective of them after that as sad for any child to hear even positive comments repeatedly as sure it would make them self conscious .

VirtualLearning · 18/12/2020 18:54

I mean well meant ones. Sometimes people are just better being quiet!

eightxmaspaws · 18/12/2020 18:58

Dsis tans to the shade of a walnut and had a white blonde fro. Lucky cow.
Look some people are always going to dislike something- be it dark skin/ginger hair
And there’s others who actually are just intrigued about heritage.
I’m very biased - in that I think lots of the cape ‘coloureds’ (shoot me, that’s how they all self-referenced) are the most beautiful, ridiculously attractive people (and nice to boot) but that’s my personal preference. Thankfully for us milk-bottle ginger folk, not everyone feels the same.
Love the heritage your children have, be proud of their attributes and no-one will bother you.
Pasty has a terrible time with sunburn and skin cancer as I’m sure you know Wink

MRC20 · 18/12/2020 19:02

I can't believe people actually make comments like that. What do you say? I'd be really rude but I'm a cow 🤣

YakkityYakYakYak · 18/12/2020 19:03

It’s amazing what people think it’s okay to say. My DD is mixed race (I’m white and DH is black), and very fair with blonde hair and blue eyes. People often comment on how fair she is and how she doesn’t ‘look mixed race’, as if all mixed race people look the same Confused

I’ve also had people question whether DH is really her Dad, it’s upsetting for him and I’m sure will be very upsetting for hear to her that when she’s old enough to understand.

I’m not sure I have any particularly helpful advice sorry, but also wondering how to handle such comments once DD can understand (she’s only 18months at the moment). I want to be able to show her how to handle casual racism, but don’t have a clue where to start!

lockeddownandcrazy · 18/12/2020 19:06

Its not always about rascism - as kids my older siblings were blond blue eyed and I was dark hair and eyes. People used to say I was the milkmans.

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