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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people should realise that commenting on a child skin colour is inappropriate?

73 replies

ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 17:18

I have 3 dc who are mixed race, one has a slightly darker skin tone than the others. Strangers always need to point it out. Always. I get comments like "that ones a bit brown", "did that one get left out in the sun?" or "do your children have the same dad?" followed by a "really? I'd never have guessed!"

The child in question is 2 and has no idea what any of this means but its starting to really upset me. I don't want her to feel othered or different from her brothers, or that everyone is staring at her when she goes out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForestNymph · 18/12/2020 21:04

@Pinkywoo

My husband is very dark Mediterranean and I am pale and blonde. People always comment on how much DS looks like me because he has my colouring, but he's actually much more like DH, it's like they don't see his features just his colour!
This is something I've noticed. DD is identical to me facially, yet all people see is her skin colour. DS2 looks much more like my husband but he has my colouring and again thats all people see. Its very odd.
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SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 21:08

"that ones a bit brown"
"Did you mean to be racist or just rude?

"did that one get left out in the sun?"
"Did you mean to be racist or just rude?"

"do your children have the same dad?"
"Why?
"Really? I'd never have guessed!"
"Did you mean to be so rude?"

I'm all for explaining slowly to people who ask stupid questions politely (visible "disabled" child) but those comments aren't that and the asker doesn't deserve humouring.
Call them out (politely) every time

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 21:14

You are mixing with some very odd people. You're assuming the oy people who go out of their way to make comments and ask questions about people's looks are people you known. It's not
Strangers really do like to comment

YanTanTethera01 · 18/12/2020 22:14

People are so ignorant. I was asked if my daughter was adopted when she was young. Now she's a teenager, she looks very middle eastern even though she's white/black mixed race, she still gets asked "where are you from" and surprise when she tells them the name of our town. Often they say, Where are you from "originally" to which the answer is still the same. She knows what they're getting at. Most of all though, they think it's absolutely fine to start touching her hair and saying it must be a nightmare to manage. Your kids will get it for a lifetime unfortunately.

nevereverplease · 18/12/2020 22:24

Wow if anyone says this agaiN you need to confront them and stamp it out. Your child is going to have self hate/identity issues potentially if you don't correct these people

Momsincharge · 18/12/2020 22:28

I have two daughters one very fair and pink, the other olive. The olives skinned brunette gets it from her English father. He’s from the West Country with all Anglo Saxon antecedents. Genetics is funny.

It never bothers me. Perhaps because it comes from her English dad and therefore there is no subtext that she doesn’t belong?

Ohtherewearethen · 18/12/2020 22:44

My daughter is mixed race but we haven't experienced anything like this, despite living in the arse end of nowhere, thank goodness. I'd say my husband is probably the only non-white person in at least a five mile radius. If anyone ever commented on my daughter's colouring I'd respond with something along the lines of, 'and you're a particularly unattractive shade of inappropriate/bigot/racist. At least my daughter is kind as well as beautiful.'

OhWhyNot · 18/12/2020 23:06

It’s shameful these comments still happen

I was always pointed out at being different but acceptably different (father is Asian) so I look different but not too different my colouring watered down Hmm

I can’t stand the oh mixed race/heritage are so gorgeous. Ridiculous comments and as a child to constantly be commented on and questioned why you look different from some of your family can be upsetting

InTheDrunkTank · 18/12/2020 23:12

What kind of people are making these comments? I know some pretty tactless people but can't imagine any of them saying something like that. It honestly wouldn't even be something that crossed my mind let alone saying it out loud!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz · 18/12/2020 23:16

@ForestNymph I have a ‘similar’ experience but the difference is my kids aren’t mixed race. We are all asian but like DH they are darker skin tone, so people have to point this out. 9 year old mentions this more about skin/being darker, it’s frustrating.

There’s a family on Facebook ‘lily petals’ mum is Korean and dad is black, but the mum has a few videos that are around helping the girls see how their skin tone is beautiful (I’m guessing girls pick up people reacting oddly when they see mum and them out).

justilou1 · 18/12/2020 23:21

Can you not just ask them “Do you really think it’s appropriate to say things like that in this day and age? I thought comments like that went out with the ark....”

Flamingolingo · 18/12/2020 23:22

My children look quite different to one another - one looks like me but with DH colouring (and my eyes); the other looks like DH with my colouring but DH eye colour. We do get comments/questions, but they don’t offend me - for me it’s an opportunity to marvel at the wonder that is genetics. I’m basically a massive recessive gene and I didn’t imagine for a second my children would have any of my features - I love that they are each so distinctive in their own way, and I love musing on their genetic makeup. It basically means that DH’s ancestry must be far more mixed than he appears from his skin tone alone.

frolicmum · 18/12/2020 23:23

Honestly some people are ignorant, I'm sorry you have to listen to this. I

frolicmum · 18/12/2020 23:25

Posted too quickly, if they are so blunt, maybe try to just say exactly what you think back. Some people need to hear it straight up, they might not even know any better (I know it doesn't make it any better but they might learn something)!!

ancientgran · 18/12/2020 23:26

People can be breathtakingly rude. My kids are mixed race and we used to get it. I get it for being ginger with freckles. I was saying at work one day that my kids were all glad they didn't inherit my freckles and my bosses wife said, "Well freckles are so ugly aren't they. No one would want them." Mad me feel great as I've got millions of them. I'm not sensitive about them, have been teased many times but I thought that was a bit too far.

justilou1 · 18/12/2020 23:29

Btw, I am white Australian, but have somehow inherited the random Scandinavian throwback gene (along with coeliac disease - yay) so in a sea of dark eyed & dark haired, pale, freckly family members, I’m the solitary pale blonde with olive skin and almost colourless eyes (grey? Nobody can agree) and I have spent my lifetime having to explain where I come from to rude, nosy people too. It’s not always simply a race thing. People are insensitive and arseholes are arseholes.

stopgap · 18/12/2020 23:34

My mum is very pale, light blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair. My dad is Italian and has deep olive skin, black hair etc. My brother and I take after my dad and I remember all too well the comments about my mum being the babysitter, whose kids are those etc.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/12/2020 23:52

Do you have any advice on how to deal with it when DD gets older and starts becoming aware of these comments? Thats my main issue. I used to just roll my eyes but it happens with such frequency that I'm concerned it will continue and I'm not sure what to do about it as I didn't experience this issue myself

You will have to develop a blunt response. Otherwise your DD will feel like crap, and definitely othered. Don't let anyone tell you she won't feel like that - She will. & If you don't give a cutting response, she will notice. Sooner than you think.

A few pp's have covered the type of response this pig ignorant racism needs so I won't add to that. But you are at least an aware Mum, which is good.

& You & DD are going to have a conversation on this one day, as I'm sure you know.

Aside from that don't give these fools the time of day. Blunt response within seconds of their nonsense starting.

Bonnylassie · 19/12/2020 00:06

I'm early 40s by db late 30s, same parents but we are different colouring, I take after my dm and df and am darker in colouring, he takes after our gran who is Indian (both parents mixed Indian and Jamaican). The amount of times he was 'accused' of having a white parents as a kid was ridiculous his friends at school actually had to say no I've met his parents they are both black. Now he just doesn't engage with people if they ask too many questions, but he definitely describes himself as black whereas I go between black or mixed race depending on how the mood takes me.
You would of hoped we would of moved on by now wouldn't you.

allthingsred · 19/12/2020 08:09

@ForestNymph not really advice. As I said I learnt as a child to ignore & now I grit my teeth. (A lot)
It's important that when dc are old enough you have a conversation about race, & racism both intentional & unintentional
And you learn to pick your battles. Are the people commenting to you rude & ignorant? Or are the people commenting racist? which will need an altogether different response from you.

Also ensure your kids know & understand both sides of their heritage so they can be proud of it

Original poster
ForestNymph · 19/12/2020 08:32

Thanks everyone. Yes I think I need to say to people that it isn't acceptable as I want DD to know that I don't condone such comments. I'm sorry this happens to other people as well, you'd think that people wouldn't be so ignorant and nosy but for some reason they are. Angry

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FollowThatStarTonight · 19/12/2020 08:39

God that's awful OP.

We are a white family but people feel the need to comment on our skin too! We have very fair skin, especially my boy who has black hair and blue eyes so his porcelain skin looks very white. People stop us to ask if he's ok, he's as white a sheet, he's awfully pale, looks like a ghost, has he had enough sleep etc... WHY! Even my mum does it. Just stop commenting on his skin tone, he can't bloody help it! Confused

Original poster
ForestNymph · 19/12/2020 08:56

@FollowThatStarTonight

God that's awful OP.

We are a white family but people feel the need to comment on our skin too! We have very fair skin, especially my boy who has black hair and blue eyes so his porcelain skin looks very white. People stop us to ask if he's ok, he's as white a sheet, he's awfully pale, looks like a ghost, has he had enough sleep etc... WHY! Even my mum does it. Just stop commenting on his skin tone, he can't bloody help it! Confused

Yes where is the nees to comment on a child skintone whether its pale or darker or anything in-between? People should just stay quiet.
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