To think people should realise that commenting on a child skin colour is inappropriate?

[ForestNymph]

I have 3 dc who are mixed race, one has a slightly darker skin tone than the others. Strangers always need to point it out. Always. I get comments like "that ones a bit brown", "did that one get left out in the sun?" or "do your children have the same dad?" followed by a "really? I'd never have guessed!"

The child in question is 2 and has no idea what any of this means but its starting to really upset me. I don't want her to feel othered or different from her brothers, or that everyone is staring at her when she goes out.

People are very rude especially when it comes to children. Some of it is probably thoughtless rather than malicious. But it's best not to comment on anyone's appearance ever, apart from to say "what a beautiful child" or something along those lines.
Why do random people question you about the father - that would really annoy me - to my mind you either know someone well and eventually they either tell you or it becomes clear, or you don't, and it's none of their business!

WTAF goes through people's minds when they say these things? Comments on anyone's appearance is just completely off limits (unless complimenting a friend etc.), so why would anyone think comments on race are acceptable? Why do they even want to comment when every single person alive looks different?

I think you deserve a medal for not having told anyone who's said it to fuck off already.

Sorry you are having to deal with this nonsense

People can be arseholes OP. My DS is white but very olive skinned and I got the same questions.

What? Those exact comments

Do they have the same dad, is his real dad Spanish, did you leave him in the sun, is he jaundiced and so on.

@ForestNymph

We live on the border of the North and Midlands, fairly rurally but we aren't the only family around here where we aren't all white so I don't know why people act like its such a novelty. The sun comment did come from a very old person so perhaps they weren't aware that it was very offensive. Thank you to those whove said it didn't really bother you to get such comments, that's reassuring because my biggest worry is it hurting the kids feelings as they get older.

You can’t be too far from me as I describe us as living in the North Midlands!

People do comment on siblings differences and similarities, all the time. I know mixed race couples with children and even they comment on the different looks of their kids. However commenting on someones appearance in any context unless invited to, is rude, in any context. And when race is involved it's even worse. I think I'd just say yes they're siblings not twins, of course they look different, or something

Wow! What a boldly racist community. I've never heard comments like that said aloud - that's the sort of thing Twitter trolls post. I think you should respond to them by pointing out how racist they are walking off. They need to learn, and they'll never learn by people having to smile and laugh off their comments.

I'd consider not stopping in the street to talk to these sorts of people. I have kids and never get spoken to, nor do I speak with, strangers at all. I suspect it would stop if you gave off more of an aura of not being there to chat to randoms. If they open their mouth, smile politely but don't really respond. If they speak to you again, raise an eyebrow and start to look concerned, like they've lost the plot. Edge away.

However commenting on someones appearance in any context unless invited to, is rude, in any context. And when race is involved it's even worse

This. My sister's DC are mixed race and they do look really different as one takes over DSis (short-arsed strawberry blonde) and the other after my BIL (6ft 1, Pakistani heritage). I don't blame people for thinking they might have different fathers. I do blame people for not keeping that thought to themselves. It's so fucking rude.

You are mixing with some very odd people.

I have 5 mixed race DC, with the eldest being mid twenties. Like in many families, my own included, there is a variety of colourings and appearance. I have NEVER had such comments, I'd be hugely pissed off about some of those you quoted too.

Are all your friends white? Is the area multi-cultural? WTF is going on that someone would think that acceptable commentary, can't believe it!

I can't believe people would say things like that or even think it! Your response is good. I think I would say something like 'it's beautiful isn't it?'

@RubyFakeLips

Not as such. Our friendship group is quite diverse but where we actually live is quite rural. There are other families around who aren't white but there's a large proportion of elderly white people here and its predominantly those who make the comments, although not always.

It is inappropriate but people always comment on my kids colouring too. They are very different. I get lots of 'you sure they have the same father' or ' DC 'does not look like you or their sibling at all' type comments. It's not racist in this situation.
Sometimes I just think people speak before their brain catches up.

I live in London. It has nothing to do with where you live.

Sadly I can believe it - a (white) friend of mine has a mixed race (Indian/white) husband. One child is as dark as her husband, while the other is not just white, but pale (red hair, blue eyes). She routinely gets 'do they have the same father?' which is even worse than simply commenting on skin colour. When was that ever an acceptable question?

Totally inappropriate. But some people engage their mouth before their brain.

My friend has 4 children and the number of people that ask her outright (like in shops) if they've all got the same dad astounds me. It doesn't seem to be because they look that different but because there's 4 of them!

Surely personal remarks should stay inside your own head.

Oh lord just wait until people start with the hair groping.

Errr take your filthy trotters of my child's hair thank you.

*off

Loads of people have asked me if my son is mine (blonde and blue eyed with skin that goes honey brown in the sun; I'm pale and dark haired with freckles). That is annoying but Iaugh it off.

But what you are talking about OP is racism, not even thinly veiled. It's completely unacceptable. I wouldn't dignify it with those comments with a response, if I felt brave I would say, "that's a racist question, do you realise that?"

I'm really sorry you and your kids have to put up with that crap. You shouldn't have to. (Having said that, I've known some older folk who would say things like that not realising how offensive it is).

It's totally inappropriate.
A cold blank stare goes a long way - said as the mother of a child who has a genetic condition.
When they were small, two older ladies made a point of commenting on their glasses all the way round the supermarket.
We've also had comments in skin colour and hair colour - the hair colour comments continue to this day, and dc is now legally an adult.
Not everyone has learnt that people shouldn't be labelled by their characteristics. It's time they did.

I’m sorry that you’re having to listen to comments like that. Both my DC look like both of us so no one would have commented on their appearance. What we got were comments on the age gap (7 years). Loads of them. And before DC2, comments on him being a lonely only etc. One day I’d had enough of ignoring it and someone got both barrels in response to ‘it’s not nice for him being on his own’. But then it was only a week after third miscarriage so not surprising that I lost it. perhaps I went too far but I hope at least she will never say anything like she did to anyone else in my situation. I think you need to develop some robust responses to the comments you’re getting - you will probably be doing other people a service who might then be spared them in future.

People used to ask my mum whether the milkman had red hair when they saw me next to my blonde brother and brunette sister. I’m not sure why I was the one singled out...

If I’m honest, it embarrassed me a lot. It’s thoughtless.

@eightxmaspaws

Dsis tans to the shade of a walnut and had a white blonde fro. Lucky cow. Look some people are always going to dislike something- be it dark skin/ginger hair And there’s others who actually are just intrigued about heritage. I’m very biased - in that I think lots of the cape ‘coloureds’ (shoot me, that’s how they all self-referenced) are the most beautiful, ridiculously attractive people (and nice to boot) but that’s my personal preference. Thankfully for us milk-bottle ginger folk, not everyone feels the same. Love the heritage your children have, be proud of their attributes and no-one will bother you. Pasty has a terrible time with sunburn and skin cancer as I’m sure you know

Unless your sister is mixed race or black, she doesn't have a "fro". She has curly hair. To claim somebody who is white has an afro is cultural appropriation and offensive to (many) Black people. If you are mixed race or Black, then I hope you don't mind me commenting this for anybody else who might read, and apologies for making assumptions on your ethnicity based on your post.

Also using the term "coloureds" is not acceptable, again, unless you are a POC. How a person of colour self-references is their right, but it's not for a white person to coin that terminology.

Please, please don't take this as criticism or me having a go, it's the exact opposite. I've recently joined a group on Facebook called Unlearning Racisim which is run by BIPOC people who make it their mission to educate white people on the racism they display without even knowing. It's been a huge learning curve for me, and I think it's great to share that learning in context. The afro comment is the one that causes the most uproar.

My husband is very dark Mediterranean and I am pale and blonde. People always comment on how much DS looks like me because he has my colouring, but he's actually much more like DH, it's like they don't see his features just his colour!