AIBU to judge SIL's Christmas habits?

[Scr00gy]

SIL is perpetually broke. Always going on about how she has no money etc etc but every Christmas the spending seems to grow. She goes all out, the house looks like a Christmas grotto exploded in there. Real tree every year and different themes and decorations almost every year.

This year she was stressed about the kids not having anywhere to do school work, especially with Covid etc, so DH and I had a chat and instead of getting individual gifts for everyone, bought them a family present of a laptop, desk and office chair. There was obviously no hiding this when it was delivered and they're all thrilled. This was outside of our usual budget but DH didn't want the kids to miss out, nor go through the pain of trying to find something to buy.

However, I'm now finding myself feeling increasingly irritated at the piles of presents under the tree, the creepy elf on the bloody shelf, the new decs, the Christmas Eve boxes, etc. Totting up the cost, I'm estimating that she's spent more than the value of the laptop on Christmas junk, and I've no idea how much has gone on gifts.

I think I'm especially irritated by this because of the constant pleas of poverty!

DH just shrugs that people have different priorities. Cool as a cucumber.

AIBU?

No one forced you to buy the gifts. They can spend their money how they please. Everyone moans about being skint from time to time it really is a non-issue

You give gifts based on a percentage of the recipients Christmas spend?

Sitting at home totting up the cost of someone’s decorations and comparing it to the cost of a gift you gave freely?

Goodness the spirit of Christmas is alive and well at your place.

You were very kind to buy the gifts you did, but how they spend their money really isn't any of your business.

You're allowed to be privately irritated though, I would be too.

myhobbyisouting

You give gifts based on a percentage of the recipients Christmas spend?

No? I give gifts of different values depending on my relationship with a person.

trixiebelden77

If it helps, I'm also drinking a mulled wine

"No? I give gifts of different values depending on my relationship with a person"

Ok so her Christmas decorations and the cost of them aren't relevant then!

I wouldn't go buying necessities for her kids while she spends a fortune on Christmassy tat. But presumably you knew what she was like - and you won't change her.

@YerAWizardHarry

No one forced you to buy the gifts. They can spend their money how they please. Everyone moans about being skint from time to time it really is a non-issue

Absolutely this.

YABVU and judgemental.

myhobbyisouting

Ok so her Christmas decorations and the cost of them aren't relevant then!

Well, I just don't see how you can be complaining about having no money and the children not having the technology to do their schoolwork one minute and be buying a giant inflatable Santa the next!

katy1213

I wouldn't go buying necessities for her kids while she spends a fortune on Christmassy tat. But presumably you knew what she was like - and you won't change her.

I guess I thought that this year was different. More fool me.

Because what DC need isn't always what they want. And as parents we want to give them both. Or as much as we can. And sometimes that falls short. And that makes us feel shit. So sometimes if we have a lifesaver who steps in and helps it makes a huge difference.

I totally agree op.

My SIL is the same - no money but they eat out 4 times a week.

Aye, reet

This isn't gonna go well, OP.

grassisjeweled

Ah how nice for them

Bigballer

Why does Christmas magic have to be built of hundreds of ££ stuff though?

MinecraftMother

YOLO and all that

YABVU. How do you know she doesn't salt away little bits of money all year to go all out at Christmas and spoil the kids cos they get don't get much the rest of the year? Your gift was kind, 5houghtful and useful but it doesn't give you the right to judge her.

LOL at all the competitive non-judgers on the thread.

When someone spends a ton of money on Xmas presents (and the OP made it clear that SIL had dropped a lot of money on stuff, it's not just a few cheap decorations that cost a few quid) but pleads poverty and never seems to find the money to pay for essentials like their child's education, yes, I bloody well judge. A lot.

How do you know she doesn't salt away little bits of money all year to go all out at Christmas and spoil the kids cos they get don't get much the rest of the year?

If she's so good at salting money away, perhaps she could try saving up for a few essentials so that she doesn't have to go begging to her relatives.

You are very invested in their spending habits.

I was brought up never to discuss money and have been shocked that people would comment they don’t have any. I used to believe friends who said they were skint and offer to help. Now I realise they aren’t skint at all - or have a very different definition.

Buy the children presents you can afford and are comfortable giving. This ladies spending habits are none of your business. Ignore the comments about her finances - they clearly aren’t true.

Its also okay fit yet to have different spending priorities to you.

Presumably she didn't ask you to buy the laptop and desk?

If she didn't, I don't think you have any right to feel put out because she didn't buy the laptop herself.

You obviously can afford to buy it or you wouldn't have and you are getting some pleasure (hopefully) by being able to give the children a place to work?

For comparison, my SIL is a high earner. She gifts my children items from Poundland and always has. Should I say or think that she can afford much more and therefore should spend more? Of course not.
People decide themselves what they do or don't gift.

Regardless of what is being given or received, the gift bearer should not gift grudgingly and the recipient should always receive graciously.

Christmas should be like Thanksgiving in US..

Just getting together, no cards, no gifts.

And I know this year is difficult re Covid, but honestly, what's it all about anyway

Thismustbelove

Presumably she didn't ask you to buy the laptop and desk?

No, but she has been complaining about the lack of tech since before Covid, having to take the kids to the library to do this, print that, etc. Lockdown exacerbated the problem.

Regardless of what is being given or received, the gift bearer should not gift grudgingly and the recipient should always receive graciously.

I hear you. Normally I don't care, we'll buy the kids a book and a toy each, and either a hamper for SIL and BIL or perfume, headphones, something we know they want/need/like.

But this year it's grating on me. I agree the kids shouldn't miss out but I also feel like a bit of a Mary Muggins.

I'm not going to say anything, of course, but I just can't wrap my head around it.

P.s. your SIL is tight and mean

YANBU. Gifts I can understand but new decorations etc when you can't afford essentials? That's just mad. What happened to using the same decorations year after year?

The thing is you'd be punishing your nephews and nieces because of the poor actions of their parents.

Its the same reasoning people use of we shouldn't provide children with free school meals and food vouchers because their parents spend all their money on drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sky TV etc.
Who is really being punished... The kids.

So just think about how you've done a very thing for their education by getting the laptop. Separate your anger from your anger for SIL.

@EThreepwood I don't think the OP is planning to "punish" anyone!

I would find this galling too, OP. But you are doing such a great thing for the kids. The parents sound feckless.