AIBU to judge SIL's Christmas habits?

[Scr00gy]

SIL is perpetually broke. Always going on about how she has no money etc etc but every Christmas the spending seems to grow. She goes all out, the house looks like a Christmas grotto exploded in there. Real tree every year and different themes and decorations almost every year.

This year she was stressed about the kids not having anywhere to do school work, especially with Covid etc, so DH and I had a chat and instead of getting individual gifts for everyone, bought them a family present of a laptop, desk and office chair. There was obviously no hiding this when it was delivered and they're all thrilled. This was outside of our usual budget but DH didn't want the kids to miss out, nor go through the pain of trying to find something to buy.

However, I'm now finding myself feeling increasingly irritated at the piles of presents under the tree, the creepy elf on the bloody shelf, the new decs, the Christmas Eve boxes, etc. Totting up the cost, I'm estimating that she's spent more than the value of the laptop on Christmas junk, and I've no idea how much has gone on gifts.

I think I'm especially irritated by this because of the constant pleas of poverty!

DH just shrugs that people have different priorities. Cool as a cucumber.

AIBU?

She’s probably put it all on the plastic. She’s going to have a shit new year when it hits home she’s got to pay for it all.

I don't think you appreciate how gifts are supposed to work.

You say you budget for gifts depending on your relationship with the recipient, so her own budget really isn't relevant. She was grateful and thanked you. Everything else is immaterial.

OP, well done for buying a generous and very useful gift. I totally understand you did it based on the understanding the family is poor and can't afford it. Now you see they are just wasting money on crap. It is annoying, absolutely feel free to judge her. Don't say anything to her though, it won't end well

This is my SIL as well and now her daughter is behaving in the same way. Trouble is, if this behaviour has been enabled all their life, it's seen as normal and also acts as a poor role model for the children.

We did something very simIlar for our SIL & niece as a Christmas present when our niece was in her early teens. Lots of pleading of poverty, pressure from PIL as well as we were seen as so much better off. We weren't hugely better off, it was a combination of earning a bit more but not spending so much. I was already pretty p*ed off with all this as SIL was already heavily subsidised by PIL as they were very open about this. DH was okay with all of this as it had been completely normalised for him.

However, nieces birthday is not long after Christmas and after we had splashed out a good chunk of money for them, DIL bought her a horse for her birthday......I kid you not! It was a fat and furry cob that lived out rather than anything fancy that needed stabling but still cost a few thousand with tack plus running costs of shoeing etc. From that day onwards as least my husband saw the light!

Twenty years on, one PIL dead, the other in a nursing home with dementia, turns out PIL were buying and helping to run SIL car, paid off her mortgage, giving her pocket money. I always wondered how she could afford to work part time after her divorce. She's very upset & angry that we won't pick up that baton and they are similar issues with niece re money.

Their sense of entitlement around financial support, unwillingness to work very much and lack of insight that if you spend your money on A, it means you can't have B is completely baffling to me.

@Trizzledizzle such a similar story to us. BIL/SIL actually earn more but they were cast in the role as ‘poor’. They aren’t happy now in laws have passed away that we haven’t taken up the financial baton to support them. It’s kind of unbelievable.
I think for a long time DH believed them as well. There was a few incidents of extreme spending where they then went cap in hand to their parents to get more money that ended it all.

I think you need to mind your own business. I honestly cannot think why I would be angry to see presents and decorations in my in-laws house.

@Sewsosew unbelievable isn't it! I don't know why she's like this as she's DH sister and he isn't like this at all. I think some of it stems from a privileged childhood, big house, private schools, ponies, lots of holidays. She seemed to think this would somehow magically mysteriously continue in adulthood with no efforts in her part even though she knew PIL were very much poorer in their middle age onwards due to some poor investment decisions followed by the demise of their business model (which meant they had to considerably downsize their house) as they didn't adapt to technology and then nursing home fees.

No use getting annoyed about it. (I understand your feelings though.)

Your husband had done a good thing for the kids. He sounds dependable and thoughtful. Focus on that and you ll be happier.

@Trizzledizzle my PIL were actually very working class and didn’t have much themselves. Which made it much worse. What’s even worse is BIL/SILs in laws are very well off, they never dared ask them.

Oh and just buy for the kids in future anyway. Or a token box of chocolates, I wouldn't be subsidising an adult.

I agree with you, OP. But you must remember this is MN, where nobody is allowed to have negative opinions of others, even if they have no intention of voicing them.

I’m with you OP. I’ve got absolutely no sympathy when people like your SIL are pleading poverty. Yes, we all have different priorities. So don’t come moaning to me when your priority is to spend your money on what I consider tat and you have no money left.
The truth is, a lot of people pleading poverty would have a lot more money in their pocket if they sorted their priorities out. But why should they? The taxpayer will just bail them out.

I understand what you mean and any other given time i would have been irked as well , but many people this year are spending more on Xmas as they feel this is the only time of the year they can meet their family and have a merry Xmas as don't know what lies ahead and had been a disappointing year overall. Also, is it not possible that the boxes are big but the gifts inside aren't very expensive?

ShopoholicIn

I actually said I DON'T know that's wrapped up, but that the things I can see, the tree, the new decorations and outdoor inflatable things and light statues, probably amount to the cost of the laptop. Some things, like the reindeer, are from John Lewis.

Anyway, I've decided to pull an Elsa and Let It Go

@Scr00gy

Aah ok.. Yes perhaps best to let it go

It's none of your business?

Money management is a skill. Martyn Lewis should be commended for raising its profile. Some people are financially illiterate, some who claim to be broke are not in reality but whingers, some I think spend a lot because they are unable to say no to child 'pester power'.

Given the number of people in this country who have real poverty, I hope your SIL is only saying this to you. Perhaps suggest she watches the programme on Marcus Rashford's campaign tonight.

Surprised at these responses. Yes it would surely annoy most people to see their nieces and nephews go without something they need for their education, while their parent buys them endless rounds of tat. Yea everyone needs some christmas cheer but buying endless new amounts of tat every year isnt something that children need, and the thought of them falling behind at school so they can have an inflatable santa this year instead of last year inflatable snowman or something is really sad. Yanbu to be frustrated in my opinion.