AIBU to judge SIL's Christmas habits?

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SIL is perpetually broke. Always going on about how she has no money etc etc but every Christmas the spending seems to grow. She goes all out, the house looks like a Christmas grotto exploded in there. Real tree every year and different themes and decorations almost every year.

This year she was stressed about the kids not having anywhere to do school work, especially with Covid etc, so DH and I had a chat and instead of getting individual gifts for everyone, bought them a family present of a laptop, desk and office chair. There was obviously no hiding this when it was delivered and they're all thrilled. This was outside of our usual budget but DH didn't want the kids to miss out, nor go through the pain of trying to find something to buy.

However, I'm now finding myself feeling increasingly irritated at the piles of presents under the tree, the creepy elf on the bloody shelf, the new decs, the Christmas Eve boxes, etc. Totting up the cost, I'm estimating that she's spent more than the value of the laptop on Christmas junk, and I've no idea how much has gone on gifts.

I think I'm especially irritated by this because of the constant pleas of poverty!

DH just shrugs that people have different priorities. Cool as a cucumber.

AIBU?

Yanbu. She sounds utterly barmy to fritter money away. You just have to try to ignore it though. What a waste, but sadly so many people don't get it.

TBH I have no sympathy when you've given a ridiculously extravagant gift like that.

Elf on the shelf is £1 is most supermarkets

It does bug me however when people go overboard on things they can't afford just because it's Christmas though. No one can live within their means anymore it seems

@popebenedictsp45 I'm not saying she is punishing anyone.

What I'm saying is that that kind of thinking doesn't harm the parents ultimately it harms the kids.

I have a SIL who is the complete opposite of me who makes poor life choices which riles me up... But doesn't want children so I don't have the same experience like the OP. I've just distanced myself from her and look at the back of my skull every time a new drama is mentioned.

I also work with kids, and however frustrating it is when you see parents constantly making extremely poor decisions you need to separate the parents from the children.
For example we have a child who comes in with holes in their trousers some days and always wearing wellies with holes in. Their parents aren't in the greatest financial position but would rather shop in Waitrose than buy suitable clothes and shoes. (Know this for a fact before jumped on!) We've personally chipped in to buy trousers, socks, the right sized coat, hats and scarves for the child and older sibling and all but the coats have gone in the bin.
That is extremely frustrating but I can't take that out on the child. So we've bought them clothes to stay at work so at least they are warm here but I do think about them in the other 4 days.

And that is kind of the point I am making with the OP. You've done a great thing for the children. Know it as a truth. Mentally distance yourself from the parents. You can't change them. You feeling stressed over it is ultimately just winding yourself up because it won't make anyone feel bad except yourself. I know it might be hard but you have years with them and their poor decisions. It'll be much better for your MH.

I'm not going to say anything, of course, but I just can't wrap my head around it.

I know you aren’t and I understand why you feel as you do. When I hear that some parents can’t afford swimming lessons, yet they fork out £££ on an x box or they choose a very poor local school because it’s so convenient yet there is a much better school a short distance away, I judge them.

You have done a great thing for the CHILDREN in that family, please sit and dwell on that instead.

Next year don’t buy headphones etc for the parents, continue to buy gifts for the children. Use this year to have started a new tradition.

And yes my SIL is very tight. What amuses me most is seeing the big attention seeking announcement that she has ‘gifts’ before she reveals what she bought in Poundland. But there was a time it annoyed me very much. Nowadays I give it a week before condemning it to the bin.

She's playing you OP. She sounds like someone I know who's the perpetual victim, life being unfair, never her fault, etc. She expects everything on a plate and gets it. This leaves her to spend her own money on shit that makes it look like she's rolling in it. Yup, move on and don't engage.

That would annoy me too. It wouldn’t bother me too much about how they prioritise their money, it’s the complaining that they’re skint and hinting that they need help that would bother me.

I wouldn’t help them out after this

Polly111

That would annoy me too. It wouldn’t bother me too much about how they prioritise their money, it’s the complaining that they’re skint and hinting that they need help that would bother me.

I wouldn’t help them out after this

Yeah I guess I believe her when she says she's broke.

Anyway I'm feeling less bothered about it today. Deep breath, forget it, move on with life, etc.

Maybe next year I'll suggest just presents for the kids.

£300 on one computer or £300 on loads of bits..decorations, Xmas Eve box, gifts ect.

If I had bi money but the £300 I’d spend it on all the bits so it looks more. If I had £600 then I would buy them both.

If I had £400 I’d still get the bits and have £100 left over.

I can see how your thinking about this but there’s having money....then there’s having money, if you see what I mean.

I’d be cross too but would have waited to see what she did this year spending wise before buying such a big gift.

Then if she complained again I’d remind her she could have prioritised their education needs over unnecessary spending on decorations etc,

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d be cross too but would have waited to see what she did this year spending wise before buying such a big gift.

Decorations started creeping up in November. Children have been on and off school without a laptop all year. I don't think we could have waited much longer as we had to arrange delivery before Christmas.

Then if she complained again I’d remind her she could have prioritised their education needs over unnecessary spending on decorations etc,

I don't think I could ever be that blunt. It would cause a row and I don't want to be responsible for driving a wedge between DH and SIL, even if I am right and he agrees with me.

Heartlantern2

That is more or less what SIL has done and is the point of the thread. I just don't follow that thought pattern.

Did she want her children to have their own laptop? Has she room for a desk?

I think she's far from unusual. I've seen this with colleagues and friends. One distant friend was claiming in Facebook how bad she felt she wouldn't be able to get her kids presents and might have to consider going to food banks for the first time. Then driving her house and it's fully lighted with Xmas light which going by this year's style looks very new but even if not question the choice of the electric bill that will come with it.

I had colleagues going on about how they can't afford a holiday abroad and those who can are soooo lucky, by then posts pics of brand new fancy garden furniture and new very expensive barbecues.

Next time she complains you need a neutral reply rather than to offer sympathy. She’s not going to change. Her priorities are different to yours (I’m in your camp personally) and she’s failing her kids but that’s her lookout. You know she likes complaining, with some people there’s always something. So “that’s a shame, I’m sure you’ll sort it” rather than “oh no, how awful, poor kids, how can we help” will help you detach.

You did a nice thing for your family. Takes the goodness out if it if you grudge doing it.

Tbf people who are struggling are able to spend £5/10/20 here and there on Christmas bits and pieces but saving up £3/400 for a laptop is another story. I’m not saying it’s right because obviously it isn’t but sometimes saving that amount can feel like an impossible hill.

£300 on one computer or £300 on loads of bits..decorations, Xmas Eve box, gifts ect. If I had bi money but the £300 I’d spend it on all the bits so it looks more. If I had £600 then I would buy them both.

You'd spend the money on Christmas decorations, Christmas Eve box etc rather than a computer even if your dc didn't have the tech they needed to do their school work?

It’s different picking up gifts throughout the year and buying Christmas decorations a few at a time to having £100s to spend on a laptop all at once. I’m sorry I think YABU if you could afford it, it was a lovely gift and it will be much appreciated I’m sure.

I just don't follow that thought pattern.

Do you have DC as well, OP, or just nieces/nephews in family at the moment?

As a parent there’s such pressure to “do” Christmas and a desk, laptop and desk chair do not have a wow factor for kids. They’re expensive, necessary (not disagreeing with you there) and also sort of dull. They’re not an inflatable Santa in a shit year where you’re mostly stuck at home.

It’s easier to spend £10-30 a time on tat that makes them feel festive than it is to save the same amount for a long time, going without the cheery stuff, to afford electronics and furniture.

And you still have to get the kids something for Christmas- so then you think fuck it, I’m spending anyway so...

When you have a cushion of cash to spend outright, this way of thinking is hard to understand. But do try not to judge.

YANBU. You and your husband took responsibility for her children being able to do their schoolwork while she spunked her cash on junk.

I get why you're annoyed but it's not worth dwelling on. She was likely going to go all out for Christmas either way. By buying this gift you've made it so the kids have a workspace which they wouldn't otherwise have had.

I’m sorry - came across badly, I don’t think your gift was dull, I think it was extraordinarily generous and thoughtful, and I expect the DNs were thrilled.

But as a parent if your choice is shared laptop & furniture between several DC and no other gifts, or a lot of gifts they’re asking for, it’s a different feeling to generous aunt & uncle ‘wow’ at the computer etc.

Hope that makes sense!

All the tat could have come from Poundland. Probably doesn’t add up to the value of a laptop.

It sounds like the present you got was for the children and much appreciated though, it is shame for you then to judge their mother because you feel like you’ve bought the right to do so.

@lazylinguist

£300 on one computer or £300 on loads of bits..decorations, Xmas Eve box, gifts ect. If I had bi money but the £300 I’d spend it on all the bits so it looks more. If I had £600 then I would buy them both.

You'd spend the money on Christmas decorations, Christmas Eve box etc rather than a computer even if your dc didn't have the tech they needed to do their school work?

It’s all about looks and appearance for somebody people. The laptop might benefit their children’s education, but it won’t create a big consumer-driven pile of presents that makes for a great Instagram photo.

Then their children don’t succeed in school and have low paid jobs and so the cycle continues.

When you have a cushion of cash to spend outright, this way of thinking is hard to understand. But do try not to judge.

But this is why poverty and irresponsible spending runs in families...coupled with a mentality that prioritises short term gains over needs and long-term goals (like education). I do understand what you're saying but it's possibly limiting those children's potential. Not because of one incident but because the incident shows the parent's mindset and priorities.

There are a lot of people like that though. It’s why the expression about looking after pennies is important. They can’t see it though.
SIL spend years complaining they couldn’t afford holidays. They buy lunch most days, rather than making it themselves (even when at home) because a meal deal is only a ‘few pounds’. Can’t see that’s her holiday there rather than making a sandwich.