Working part-time to be with the kids, versus full time and having a career

[DressesWithPockets]

My youngest child starts school next year. Since having kids I've worked part-time and while I enjoy my job my career has very much taken a back seat. Now I'm wondering whether to go back to full-time to help re-establish my career. I'm early 40s now so it feels a bit now-or-never.

I'm curious to hear from those who have experience of the primary school and teenage years as to what you feel the relevant benefits and disadvantages are of working part-time and full-time with kids.

On the one hand, I want to be around for my kids. On the other, I don't want to look back in 10 years time and wish I'd done more career-wise.

NB My husband intends to work flexibly once the little one is at school so that he can do the drop offs and pick ups two days a week.

I have worked FT since I went back after maternity leave when DD was 6 months old. She's now almost 10. I had a period where I was doing quite a lot of work travel, obviously not at the moment. I have worked myself into a specialist role that I love and been promoted several times. My thoughts:

I don't regret it one bit. Sometimes it's been hard and tiring, but I feel stronger and really fulfilled through my job, and I think I'm a better person at home because of it.

We had grandparent help, quite a lot in the early years. Couldn't have done it otherwise.

DD has always been fine with it, always knew both DH and I worked, never questioned it. Most families at school have two working parents.

I have a great flexible employer, I never missed a nativity, a bring your parents for lunch, sports day etc. It would be harder and I would probably feel guilty and like I was missing out if that wasn't the case.

I work in an industry that is generally very diverse. Women in senior roles and both male and female colleagues and clients frequently and openly arrange meetings to fit around childcare needs, or choosing a 4 day working week.

My work was only 10 mins from home which made it all easier.

I now wfh and will likely continue to 3 days a week. I love that because of compulsory wfh since March, I've been able to do what I never thought I would, like make DD on a rainy afternoon and get her settled with a blanket and a movie, or pick her up on the bike some days and cycle home together.

So I did it, and I love it, but all the above mean I've been very very lucky.

You have a few questions to weigh up together - it's not just about working part-time. You need to think....

Am I / can I be 'career building' in these hours? You don't necessarily have to work full time to achieve that. I think people are going to be more open-minded about this for senior roles than ever now

Also what is my DH doing and how are we working this as a family? Think about balancing income / career progression / future prospects between you.

Me and my DH have always done this. Worked more or less, left jobs, earned more or less.

The buck doesn't stop with you when making these decisions, it's a family decision. What's more important - cold hard cash, career development, or contact with your kids? Make sure you make a joint decision on all of these things.

There are quite a lot of women in senior positions where I work on that kind of pattern because they want the balance you're seeking. It's not considered a barrier to progression or good performance.

So if 0.7-0.8 would work for you, especially alongside your husband also working a similar pattern, I don't think you need to worry unduly about trying to choose between where you are now and attempting 1.0 if you want to progress your career. Obviously some organisations are better than others.

A separate thought when I was reading pp comments about children being more comfortable sharing worries etc while in the car... It's any situation where your focus as the parent is not directed at them, and you won't be able to turn your focus on them as soon as they speak, because it feels less intense and intimidating. Driving is a common one because your attention is on the road, you're not looking at them, and unless you perform an emergency stop you can't stop what you're doing to turn all your focus on them, etc. So it's an easier moment for them to share something they're worried about or were anxious of saying.

Preparing meals is another one (just as something starts to boil over...), balancing on a ladder concentrating on something awkward... Basically the moments where you kind of want to shoo them away because you're trying to concentrate on something awkward - they don't pick them accidentally, it's because you're more approachable when you're distracted!

It sounds a bit counterintuitive but it's the times when your attention is not solely focused on them (like when you're sitting around a table at dinner or asking direct questions) that you're more approachable to kids and teens.

So even if you're not on the school run there are plenty of ways to build approachable moments into your days and nurture that side of things.

(Intended as reassurance, not to be patronising.)

@AmICrazyorWhat2

Re. Needing to be around for the children as they get older. I’ve had some of the most enlightening conversations with my two (15 & 12) in the car on the way to or from school and activities. They don’t feel put on the spot and sometimes something will have worried them that day and they’re glad to tell you once they’re in the car. It also happens when I walk the dog with one of them.

So whatever you decide, I’d recommend factoring in some “alone time” like that when as they get older.

I agree that teenagers need you more on an emotional level than younger children. I was glad to be able to be there for DD when she was going through a tough time at school when she was 14.

I was glad to be able to ferry her to and from school during her GCSEs and A levels (we are rural, and once the school bus, which was often late in the morning, went there were no other reasonable options to get to and from school).

I have a wonderful work/life balance at 62 and wouldn't change my lifestyle for anything.

I went PT at 41, when I finally had to admit defeat "at having it all". Since then I have started a completely new career and obtained a senior (FT) position broadly equivalent to where I would have been if I'd stuck with the first one. So 40's not too late to go back to it.

What I will say is working FT while DC are small and malleable is probably easier than in the tween/teen years, when if you're not around to take them they miss out on activities and social things, then as they get older, whilst they don't need you as much, when they need you, they need you not the CM or Granny.

I’ve been 0.6 in a professional job for 12 years.

I arranged it at first so I could do pick up every day but I found it really hard going. Exhausting rushing from work to school then clubs, dinner, bath etc. I was also stuck at home every evening as DH worked longer hours as he knew childcare was covered.

Now I do two full days and two half days. DC in after school club 2 days a week. I have Fridays to do chores and go to the gym.

It feels like a good balance overall in terms of well being. My career is on a level track rather than progressing though.

Managing time is much harder when they get to school age than when they’re little unless you have after school provision. But even so I’d absolutely go for the career. I’ve managed two drop offs/pick ups and a lengthy commute (obviously with dh doing half of everything) and a good career and it’s been very worth it.

Depending on your role, could you not further your career whilst working part time? For example as a freelancer, you have higher standing (e.g. could do consultancy for more money than a job) and also get more interesting gigs, whilst the hours are more pick and choose and more flexible. Not always easy, as it can seep into personal time, and income not always guaranteed but if you are good at your job you are likely to have lots of work, depending on if it's doable freelance or part time.

I had my DC young so I guess had that one my side, but my experience was that I worked part-time 3 days a week, but in a job that earnt me almost the same wage as my full time minimum wage job. This suited me well as it gave me 2 days where I could still do the school run and pick the kids up and also allowed less time off for illnesses etc.

I then returned to uni when my youngest was 5 (almost 6) and this mean. 3 days uni and dropped my days at work to 2, so effectively full time.

From then on ive worked full time but uni was more flexible with later starts and earlier finishes some days and study days and also being able to go in later if needed etc.

The main downside is time off and not being able to do any school runs. Unless you can get a job with flexible hours. For example my last job was full time, but I started at 9.30 one day and finished at 3pm 2 others which meant some days were 8-5.30. But it meant I got to do some school runs which was important to me.

Really depends on career choice and how flexible work places are and what you do for a job. But I would encourage not to be part time for too long as it’s hard to build up career wise as a part time worker.

After six years as a SAHM I went back to work p/t when youngest DC started school. Worked four short days so I could do the school pickup (DH did the morning school run) and take them to after school clubs etc and didn't need to pay for after school childcare. Holidays were covered by annual leave and holiday clubs.

When youngest DC started high school I went back to full time work. They didn't need childcare, were more self sufficient and I needed the challenge in my career and not to be stuck in a dead end part time role. Also to pay off the mortgage and start building up my pension.

If you are well organised and your partner (if you have one) pulls their weight then it's doable. At high school age their after school clubs tend to be later in the evening so I can still take them, and as they don't get to bed until flipping 10pm there's no shortage of time with them in the evenings!

Definitely part time.

The kids will grow up and lead their own lives.
You'll still be there where they left you.

I think this is really important to remember.

I stayed PT for most of the primary years, working every day, 30 hours or so. FT now. It worked well homewise and v badly workwise!

How many hours was F/T?

Mine are now year 10, year 7 and year 4. Since youngest was at playgroup I've worked part time in a band three nhs role . I've always made excuses as to why I'm only three days a week and not pursuing more of a career such as 'when I've only got one in primary etc...' I'm now at a stage where I'm so bored of my very family friendly easy job and applying for 4 day a week jobs which would be based in the city so a bit of a commute, I'm very aware that this will have a big impact on the kids but they're now at an age where they don't need much from me before or after school (obvs youngest would still need childcare) and all they want to do after school is go in on iPads so I don't think they'll miss me to much,
After childcare costs I won't be on that much money but I feel I need a bit more mental stimulation and the jobs I'm applying for have more potential . I'm very aware that as the kids get older I'll need something for myself
What's hard is making dh realise he may need to do more- he's very full time (deputy head) and though it was my choice to be a sahm when the kids were young and then to let him be the main breadwinner I didn't sign up to being a full time housewife/ part time health care assistant forever

Thanks. Yes, being there for the pick-ups feels important at this stage, and probably till the little one is in year 4 or so. But after that I'm not sure to what degree (or in what ways) it's still important to be around after school for your kids.
Research supports that actually parents being present post school times has significant benefits and indeed not being is linked to issues, under achievement etc. So I'd be wary of ever thinking go to a ft contract plus commuting unless you really had to financially. If its purely for your personal fulfilment, I'd say finding the right pt job, is more what you should do!
I have had a professional career all of my working life since uni, I am now mid 40s and in a pt role. It is perfect, fits around family etc and it's incredibly fulfilling. I honestly see no need in changing this unless my financial situation changed.

@MotherExtraordinaire

Thanks. Yes, being there for the pick-ups feels important at this stage, and probably till the little one is in year 4 or so. But after that I'm not sure to what degree (or in what ways) it's still important to be around after school for your kids. Research supports that actually parents being present post school times has significant benefits and indeed not being is linked to issues, under achievement etc. So I'd be wary of ever thinking go to a ft contract plus commuting unless you really had to financially. If its purely for your personal fulfilment, I'd say finding the right pt job, is more what you should do! I have had a professional career all of my working life since uni, I am now mid 40s and in a pt role. It is perfect, fits around family etc and it's incredibly fulfilling. I honestly see no need in changing this unless my financial situation changed.

That's really good to hear. It definitely feels like a lovely thing, picking them up, taking to clubs etc

I worked 3.5 days for the last few years but I have the option of wfh & flexi hours which makes a huge difference. Another big factor is I have a very small commute to school/work.
We've never had to use breakfast clubs but to do activities after school eg tennis, coding but we would do these anyway. DH helped as well & now he's f/t wfh so does most pick ups since lockdown. I've done lots of overtime & have been promoted so I'm increasing to 4 days in the new yr. I hate the idea of working Fridays but think at some point I will need to be f/t. I do get most of the school holidays off though which also helps.

I've also paid AVCs into my pension since p/t which I would recommend.

I think it’s even harder to juggle once they’re at primary school and you still miss out on so much. I work three days a week and love it, my daughter loves that I can take her and pick up two days a week and I don’t miss out on too many assemblies etc. I get to know parents at the gates and that helps form friendships and have play dates etc. My career suffered a bit when I went part time but to me it was worth the sacrifice.

Thanks everyone. This is giving me absolutely loads to think about!

I don't think I could have coped with FT when kids were at primary school. So much still needs doing and sorting out childcare all the time is a faff. But I had more than the average number of children and no grandparents to offer ad hoc care if the dc were ill. I'm part time now as is DP and the DC are now at secondary school or older.
I don't feel I've missed out career wise although in terms of pensions there's a gap to be made up. I was lucky enough to be able to volunteer in a different field while my DC were at primary school which had the advantage of being able to easily take time off if the DC were ill and to enable me to shift to a different career. I don't earn a huge amount of money but for me, time with my DC and lower stress levels was more important.

Up to a year ago I would have said I could work full time with older kids and the plan was for me to go back to 5 days instead of 4. However I have found this year the dc have been quite demanding, one doing GCSEs and the other doing a levels and trying to sort out colleges and universities for next year has been so stressful. I am exhausted and at times feel like I am failing on both the work and parenting front. Still hoping to go full time but not until next September when hopefully things are more settled. Luckily I am still quite young so fingers crossed I can get my career back on track as it has been stagnating for years.

To answer your question op, I don’t know which is better. Though I do think with either choice there will always be that element of ‘working parent guilt’.

I also don't work later than 4.30 & because commute is 15 mins that makes a big difference. I agree it's nice to have time to talk with them/do homework etc after school.

I worked 80% as an employee and also ran my own business alongside. I dropped my self employed business at the start of the year and have just accepted a substantial promotion, still on 80% contract.

My DH & I juggled, both taking it in turns if DD was poorly or had school events. We used breakfast clubs and after school clubs, whiich she loved.

I don't regret it at all, but I know I'm very fortunate to have gone this as a professional with options available. DD is now at Oxford university and I have a fulfilling career. She has had both parents as great role models. We've always had enough money to do what we want to do as family & paid off your mortgage years ago. Meanwhile friends are stuck in unfulfilling roles which they are hugely over qualified for with little prospect of doing anything different until they retire in 20-25 years time.

I have 3 children early to late teens. I have always worked FT and commuted over an hour each way. I never considered going PT. Sure there have been compromises, but I feel I have juggled having a good career and children fairly well. DH and I have both busy careers and have shared childcare 50/50. My children are all doing well at school and my DS is at a top university so don’t agree with poster up thread that just because you are not there for the school run, your children will be under achievers. I built a good support network around my children. At school they had a great child minder and from secondary they are independent and all of them can cook dinner for the family and help out.

I worked full time when my older boys were small, so 3/4 12 hour shifts a week. Was up before them and home once they were in bed asleep. Yes I had another 3/4 days off. They enjoyed nursery and time with their dad. However I felt guilty, I didn’t enjoy it and I wanted to be home with my kids.

I went part time and I love it, I work when their dad has them and one of us is always there for pick up. Which is just as well as youngest is being assessed for asd and wouldn’t tolerate after school club or childminder. My career probably has suffered but it was an easy choice they’ll not be small forever and I wanted to be there.