to want to tell her to stop fucking moaning?

[Almostslimjim]

I am fully prepared to be slated as a terrible friend and recognise that more than one person can have it bad at a time, but I need to get this off my chest.

I have a friend who we'll call Jane. Jane works part time. During COVID she has worked from home. Like many, she has not had childcare for lockdown 1 and limited wrap around provision since September.

The whole time she has been moaning to me about how hard it is, working and having kids around. How her boss is a bitch and it's really unfair. Ok, fair enough, working with small kids around is nigh-on impossible (our kids are around the same age) and some companies have been very unfeeling and unaccommodating. The problem I have, is her company have bent over backwards for her - they've told her she can work flexibly around her kids (e.g. evening and weekends), have provided her with equipment to work entirely at home, reduced her workload, suggested she take some of her (very generous - 32 days) leave at short notice, or to make up hours and are letting her take it as hours and have also said she can have adhoc unpaid leave as required. This is in addition to the 5 days paid carers leave they have given her. I've tried smiling and nodding, doing the yeah, it's tough but I AM SICK OF IT now. She was moaning earlier in the year that it's unfair she has to take some of her leave as she might want to book a holiday and then now, she's just moaned at me that her boss is a total bitch because they won't let her carry over all the ridiculous amount of leave she has left (they've agreed to carry 10 days over, double the usual amount). I've also suggested she ask her partner to do some of the child care (but woah, he can't possibly take annual leave to do women's work)

I just want to tell her to STFU with the moaning.

I might be slightly jaded, I'm a doctor in a hospital. Having been moved to COVID wards when I returned (earlier than planned) from Mat Leave to support with the first wave. I spent 6 weeks living separately from my family and haven't seen my parents or grandparents since February (they live too far for a doorstop visit). During this pandemic I have told more people than I can keep count of that their loved ones have died. I have condemned whole care homes to death (one care home lost 10 one week and 6 the next). This week I have been supporting ommunity teams with health checks and found a women (asylum seeker) and her 4 kids in a one room bedsit, with no outside access who have been in there all lock down.

My 'friend' NEVER asks how I'm doing, never once queried how work was, or how the family are.

AIBU to tell her to fuck off with the moaning and end the friendship?

I think you have absolutely every right to tell her to fuck off with her moaning. Has she ever even asked you how you've been coping with everything?

YANBU, but I'd be minded to explain to her first that she has it easy compared to many and spell out why, and how tough it's been for you.

Note to self: "Finish reading posts before replying"

@TwoIsQuiteEnoughThankYou

I think you have absolutely every right to tell her to fuck off with her moaning. Has she ever even asked you how you've been coping with everything?

Not once. I occasionally get a "how are you" at the beginning of a text or phone call, but she doesn't listen to the answer or ask follow up questions.

My 'friend' NEVER asks how I'm doing, never once queried how work was, or how the family are.

I ended a 40+ year "friendship" a few years ago because of exactly this. It was all about her, all the time, and all she did was moan and bitch without even a thought as to how I was. I ended the relationship and have never regretted it.

I've just ditched a friendship for similar reasons.

My mum...and yes ditch your friend.

I also wanted to thank you for your resilience and coping. You sound amazing.

I work with schools, I know how tough it is out there.

Your sentiment is 100pc right, but i wouldn't tell her to f off.

But I'd have an open and honest conversation with her about your side of things, how accommodating her work has been and About learning to have more gratitude and fewer expectations

It should give her food for thought hopefully

I think some people get so wrapped up in their own lives they forget or plainly don’t think to ask about other people’s. Maybe she thinks you will just mention any issues you’re having so she doesn’t have to ask. I only say this because I have a friend who thinks people will come to him if they have problems so it’s not that he doesn’t care or wouldn’t help, he just doesn’t think to ask.

Nowaynothappening I wish it were that. I tried to talk to her after the care home issue and her response was literally "yeah that sounds tough. My boss is such a bitch today she...yada yada yada".

Drop her. She's an energy vampire, she'll find someone else to drain soon enough.

YANBU at all, but this part jumps out at me: “I have condemned whole care homes to death (one care home lost 10 one week and 6 the next).”

You personally haven’t been the cause of a care home losing 16 residents. The governments shite handling of this has. Unless I’ve misunderstood the word condemned here, and unless you’ve gone into a care home while Covid positive and purposefully coughed in the faces of those 16 residents, that isn’t your fault. You’re doing an enormously difficult job, I really truly hope you get some proper rest and relaxation this Christmas hope the new year is a million times better for you too!

Yanbu op.

I ended a 20 year friendship last year after I was sent a pages-long email about my friend's self-inflicted woes. I responded curtly that my dp had just been diagnosed with cancer so wouldn't be able to reply properly at the moment, and I heard nothing back. Not a peep.

Blocked and deleted. You'd be wise and forgiven for doing the same.

YANBU to be pissed that she bangs on about herself but has no interest in how you are finding things.

YABU to be pissed that she has found things hard over lockdown.
Its not a competition for who has it toughest. Things still feel tough even though other people have things harder. Otherwise no-one would be allowed to moan unless their entire family had been slaughtered and they were dying in a ditch because, you know, someone has it harder.

Just don’t respond to her ignore calls and texts for the next couple of weeks. Give yourself breathing space. Then if she starts again just be honest, sorry Jane but every conversation we have is always about you and your moaning, you never listen to what I have to say and it’s tiring, and just keep repeating, or end the friendship

I am very thankful for all the nhs and other front line staff who have kept us going. I know from family members how exhausting it’s been. Hopefully you can recharge a bit over Christmas

Go for it OP. I don’t have patience with people who are this self centred. Either cut down on the contact until it slowly fizzles out or every time she moans, just say what’s on your mind. Life is too short to be surrounded with people like this woman.

Has she always been like this? Under normal circumstances is she a good friend? Is she just struggling with the whole situation? I think you have to work out if she's a good friend normally, if not then it's time to take a step back (but no need to swear at her).

What surprises me is why you'd continue to have a relationship with her of any sort. Just block her or distance yourself and let go so liberating!

I had a 'friend' like this. She only ever contacted me when she wanted to moan about something or when there was something she thought I could help her with. She wasn't the least bit interested in me and my life. I stopped responding to her texts and phone calls, muted her on Facebook and now I rarely hear from her. I think she eventually got the message that friendship is a two way street.

@Tal45

Has she always been like this? Under normal circumstances is she a good friend? Is she just struggling with the whole situation? I think you have to work out if she's a good friend normally, if not then it's time to take a step back (but no need to swear at her).

No, she is like this all the time. I just think she has got worse recently as she's clearly finding it hard, which I get.

I appreciate that multiple people can it hard at the same time despite different situations (as said in my opening paragraph) and don't actually feel we've had it that bad (we've had reasonably consistent child care, no income loss, the kids really, really enjoyed lockdown 1), no close family deaths or long COVID. Work has been unprecedently stressful but the rest has been fine.

What bugs me is her inability to see the positives. Ever. She has significant form though. Several job moves due to horrible bosses, expecting work to fit around her life, acting like she's doing her employer a favour by working etc. And never, ever considering what's going on with other people.

God, Almostslimjim, don't give that self-absorbed whiner another femtosecond of your care or even thought.

I'm a stranger on the internet, and I'm more concerned for your welfare than she is.

And please, please do not take it upon yourself to carry the care home deaths. As JustLikeStitch said, unless you deliberately went in and coughed in someone's face, you've been doing your best in completely impossible circumstances which were exacerbated by shite government decisions. You couldn't save everyone from the pandemic.

I'm so grateful to you for all you've done – even in normal times.

Sending you as much strength as the internet can carry, for what you do everyday. And for when you go home and cry.

@TillyTopper

What surprises me is why you'd continue to have a relationship with her of any sort. Just block her or distance yourself and let go so liberating!

I don't know.

She used to be fun. But now our friendship is long distance and things she isn't getting everything she wants in life she just moans. She was very spoilt as a kid, and it shows.

nah bin her off sounds self absorbed

and thanks for everything youre doing

Time to phase her out of your life. She sounds incredibly self-centered. Even when we get back to normal, I doubt you'll be able to forget her attitude and pick up again.
Although you haven't asked for it, just wanted to say you you doing a fantastic job and have made a lot of personal sacrifices, like thousands of others in front line roles - your 'friend' sounds vile in comparison.

Different people can find different situations more challenging so I'd be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt to an extent except that she never asks about you so is probably just one of those it's all about me drama queens.