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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell her to stop fucking moaning?

58 replies

Almostslimjim · 17/12/2020 13:41

I am fully prepared to be slated as a terrible friend and recognise that more than one person can have it bad at a time, but I need to get this off my chest.

I have a friend who we'll call Jane. Jane works part time. During COVID she has worked from home. Like many, she has not had childcare for lockdown 1 and limited wrap around provision since September.

The whole time she has been moaning to me about how hard it is, working and having kids around. How her boss is a bitch and it's really unfair. Ok, fair enough, working with small kids around is nigh-on impossible (our kids are around the same age) and some companies have been very unfeeling and unaccommodating. The problem I have, is her company have bent over backwards for her - they've told her she can work flexibly around her kids (e.g. evening and weekends), have provided her with equipment to work entirely at home, reduced her workload, suggested she take some of her (very generous - 32 days) leave at short notice, or to make up hours and are letting her take it as hours and have also said she can have adhoc unpaid leave as required. This is in addition to the 5 days paid carers leave they have given her. I've tried smiling and nodding, doing the yeah, it's tough but I AM SICK OF IT now. She was moaning earlier in the year that it's unfair she has to take some of her leave as she might want to book a holiday and then now, she's just moaned at me that her boss is a total bitch because they won't let her carry over all the ridiculous amount of leave she has left (they've agreed to carry 10 days over, double the usual amount). I've also suggested she ask her partner to do some of the child care (but woah, he can't possibly take annual leave to do women's work)

I just want to tell her to STFU with the moaning.

I might be slightly jaded, I'm a doctor in a hospital. Having been moved to COVID wards when I returned (earlier than planned) from Mat Leave to support with the first wave. I spent 6 weeks living separately from my family and haven't seen my parents or grandparents since February (they live too far for a doorstop visit). During this pandemic I have told more people than I can keep count of that their loved ones have died. I have condemned whole care homes to death (one care home lost 10 one week and 6 the next). This week I have been supporting ommunity teams with health checks and found a women (asylum seeker) and her 4 kids in a one room bedsit, with no outside access who have been in there all lock down.

My 'friend' NEVER asks how I'm doing, never once queried how work was, or how the family are.

AIBU to tell her to fuck off with the moaning and end the friendship?

OP posts:
Wellpark · 17/12/2020 15:03

Why on earth would you want to continue such a so called friendship? You are intelligent, it's a no-brainer. Cut her out.

Mrgrinch · 17/12/2020 15:05

Sounds like times up on this friendship OP.

She is a narcissist and will never change.

CatrinVennastin · 17/12/2020 15:06

Ditch her and don’t look back.

I had a friend very like this. Yes she is a single parent but she has tons of help from her parents and siblings. Her parents pay for a couple of holidays a year too.

It’s all about her and she never asked about me even when my DH was seriously ill and in hospital. The last straw was a camping trip where I packed up and went home as I was sick of her and her moaning. Her daughter is moany as fuck too. Funny that.

OP you sound amazing and she’s not worth anymore of your time. My sis in law is a senior nurse so I know first hand how tough it has been for NHS staff.

MsTSwift · 17/12/2020 15:08

There is no excuse for not asking the other person how they are and really listening. God I hate self absorbed adults (forgivable in children and teens). That alone would kill it for me let alone the moaning.

badacorn · 17/12/2020 15:10

Start "missing" her calls and texts to give yourself a break.

ancientgran · 17/12/2020 15:11

I think she's the sort of employee who makes employers lose the will to live. I used to be a manager in HR and some people are so unreasonable and it is really disheartening when you are trying to be fair and it sounds like her employer has bent over backwards.

I once offered a member of staff some overtime, her co-worker had done it earlier in the year and made alot of money so it was her turn. She turned it down, didn't want to do the hours. Fair enough, no problem and I said I'd offer it to her co-worker. She got really upset, said it was unfair, the other woman had already had alot of money for overtime. So I said, OK then do you want to do it. No she said I don't. So I said OK but it needs doing so I'll ask co-worker. More upset. What are you supposed to do with some people?

You'll never get anywhere with her, people like that have tunnel vision. Don't let her drag you down.

billy1966 · 17/12/2020 15:12

YABU

To have not shut this down a LONG time ago.

Some people are just moans.

Absolutely no point trying to change them.
Flowers

ScatteredMama82 · 17/12/2020 15:13

I have a friend like this. I say friend, I haven't heard from her since I stopped making the effort. She is the most self-centred person I have ever known. She has no interest in anyone else at all, it's all about her.

Dragongirl10 · 17/12/2020 15:20

Op it must be tempting to show her your (very well balanced ) opening post.....
I let go of a friend some years ago, as she always talked non stop about her life, but never once in years asked me anyting about mine or how l was, or showed an iota of interest. I found her boring and draining.

2bazookas · 17/12/2020 15:25

You could try cutting off her selfcentred moan with "Woah there; MY DAY was far worse . Listen to this " and then tell her some of the gut wrenching heartbreaking exhausting crap experiences from your year at work. Just keep interrupting and spilling until she either stows the moans, or whines that you're not listening to her. Then you say to the whiner

" Not listening??? I've been listening to you for 9 months , telling me about your lively children, busy home , secure job WFH , supportive employer. Enough! I spend every day with people who are going through hell. You need to start appreciating how lucky you are".

Shuffled · 17/12/2020 15:28

My mum is like this but with her own health (I'm disabled but just gey on with things). She sucks the life out of everything and I cant remember the last positive thing she has said (about anything).

I'm about to lose my job, she doesn't know because she hasn't once asked or stopped moaning about every little thing.

Wish I could go no/low contact.

ZooKeeper19 · 17/12/2020 15:28

@Almostslimjim obviously you are being more than reasonable and I just wanted to say thank you, because what you are going through and have seen must be unimaginable for most of us. I am young and healthy and low risk and have an amazing understanding job and all and I value you and your colleagues every single day. True heroes, not just a phrase.

Sue9008 · 17/12/2020 15:33

First of all, I would like to say thank you for your dedication in terms of working in Covid ward as a doctor. That's amazing contribution.

Regarding the friend, just stay away from her quietly. I think you don't necessarily need to say why you don't want to keep the friendship with her. She will moan about you to other friends. Just excuse that you are too busy and avoid her.

nosswith · 17/12/2020 15:35

Some friendships end. This seems one of them.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/12/2020 15:56

I have no idea how you have managed to stay quiet.

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 17/12/2020 16:04

@Disfordarkchocolate

I have no idea how you have managed to stay quiet.
I did once say that I think her employer had been reasonable and she went off in a huff.
OP posts:
4pence · 17/12/2020 16:09

Some people are only happy when they moaning

ktp100 · 17/12/2020 16:10

She seriously needs a short, sharp reality check!!

I can't even imagine how big a twat you'd have to be to moan about the hardships of WFH to a doctor working on a Covid ward!!! Unbelievable!!

I'd end the friendship but first I'd have to tell her what a knob she is.

Gottalovesummer · 17/12/2020 16:19

How sad about the poor woman stuck in the bedsit with her children. Do you know what happened to them? Those children will be so damaged, it's heartbreaking.

Your friend could do with a reality check, to realise how bloody lucky she is.

Hawkins001 · 17/12/2020 16:27

Omg, given the current situation I'd be appreciated for the way the company has tried to help

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 17/12/2020 16:30

@Gottalovesummer

How sad about the poor woman stuck in the bedsit with her children. Do you know what happened to them? Those children will be so damaged, it's heartbreaking.

Your friend could do with a reality check, to realise how bloody lucky she is.

What happened to them how? As in where they are now? They are still in the bedsit. It's home office provided accommodation so they can't move.
OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 17/12/2020 16:31

Just want to echo Perking Faintly and Zookeeper19 among others, OP, and say thanks to you for all the incredible work you have been doing that must be so stressful. Please do not beat yourself up - you are doing far more good than most of us.

I do wonder why this negative person is still your friend, as on the face of it you have little in common in terms of outlook on life or sense of responsibility, and she is a totally negative energy drain. Now of all times you don't need it. If you do ditch the friendship, you could tell her that it is because of her negativity and selfishness - it could help her in future! Stay safe, and have a good Christmas.
Flowers

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 17/12/2020 16:32

@Disfordarkchocolate

I have no idea how you have managed to stay quiet.
Exactly. DHs company have been the same with him and we are incredibly grateful! I know people who have lost jobs, whose companies of only provided unpaid leave due to child care issues etc.
OP posts:
ancientgran · 17/12/2020 16:35

Some people are only happy when they moaning My husband always says they feel unloved so they moan and people sympathise and that feels a bit like love.

ememem84 · 17/12/2020 16:35

wow. yeah ditch her. i have one like this. always on the moan. no realisation that someone else might have issues, or need to talk, or might be finding it tough, or need a bit of support.

re a pp and overtime - have had a similar situation too. a colleague who said it wasn't fair that i had two lots of overtime when she said she couldn't possibly stay (the first time) and the second time when i was covering for her while she was on annual leave. not fair and i should snd her the money because it was her clients.