to want to tell her to stop fucking moaning?

[Almostslimjim]

I am fully prepared to be slated as a terrible friend and recognise that more than one person can have it bad at a time, but I need to get this off my chest.

I have a friend who we'll call Jane. Jane works part time. During COVID she has worked from home. Like many, she has not had childcare for lockdown 1 and limited wrap around provision since September.

The whole time she has been moaning to me about how hard it is, working and having kids around. How her boss is a bitch and it's really unfair. Ok, fair enough, working with small kids around is nigh-on impossible (our kids are around the same age) and some companies have been very unfeeling and unaccommodating. The problem I have, is her company have bent over backwards for her - they've told her she can work flexibly around her kids (e.g. evening and weekends), have provided her with equipment to work entirely at home, reduced her workload, suggested she take some of her (very generous - 32 days) leave at short notice, or to make up hours and are letting her take it as hours and have also said she can have adhoc unpaid leave as required. This is in addition to the 5 days paid carers leave they have given her. I've tried smiling and nodding, doing the yeah, it's tough but I AM SICK OF IT now. She was moaning earlier in the year that it's unfair she has to take some of her leave as she might want to book a holiday and then now, she's just moaned at me that her boss is a total bitch because they won't let her carry over all the ridiculous amount of leave she has left (they've agreed to carry 10 days over, double the usual amount). I've also suggested she ask her partner to do some of the child care (but woah, he can't possibly take annual leave to do women's work)

I just want to tell her to STFU with the moaning.

I might be slightly jaded, I'm a doctor in a hospital. Having been moved to COVID wards when I returned (earlier than planned) from Mat Leave to support with the first wave. I spent 6 weeks living separately from my family and haven't seen my parents or grandparents since February (they live too far for a doorstop visit). During this pandemic I have told more people than I can keep count of that their loved ones have died. I have condemned whole care homes to death (one care home lost 10 one week and 6 the next). This week I have been supporting ommunity teams with health checks and found a women (asylum seeker) and her 4 kids in a one room bedsit, with no outside access who have been in there all lock down.

My 'friend' NEVER asks how I'm doing, never once queried how work was, or how the family are.

AIBU to tell her to fuck off with the moaning and end the friendship?

When we met we were both career drive feminists and she was fun and easy going. Unfortunately her life has taken a different path to the one she hoped and her career is not where she wanted and she is very reliant on her partner financially. Initially I sympathised, offered advice and support but it just never ended and now she can't see the positives. She has a generally pretty good life, and yes she has had some crap times, but nothing out of the ordinary and in this pandemic is doing better than most in terms of no financial or health issues.

What's her job? The company she works for sound amazing! Take a break from her and be honest, tell her why.

@ancientgran

I think she's the sort of employee who makes employers lose the will to live. I used to be a manager in HR and some people are so unreasonable and it is really disheartening when you are trying to be fair and it sounds like her employer has bent over backwards.

I once offered a member of staff some overtime, her co-worker had done it earlier in the year and made alot of money so it was her turn. She turned it down, didn't want to do the hours. Fair enough, no problem and I said I'd offer it to her co-worker. She got really upset, said it was unfair, the other woman had already had alot of money for overtime. So I said, OK then do you want to do it. No she said I don't. So I said OK but it needs doing so I'll ask co-worker. More upset. What are you supposed to do with some people?

You'll never get anywhere with her, people like that have tunnel vision. Don't let her drag you down.

Honestly, could be my friend!

You're a doctor, we're in a pandemic, and she doesn't ask about your job/work, how you're coping etc? I think you are highly justified in ending this friendship, sadly. Perhaps she just needs a wake-up call as to how selfish/self-centred she is being.
Hope you're ok OP, thank you for everything you've done/are doing during this awful time.

You have too much empathy and she has none. That makes you attractive to her as a friend but she is a disaster for you. You need to be kinder to yourself and cut her out. Concentrate on yourself and all the people who need your help. Why would you waste the energy on her. I have done this with a nightmare narcissist if a friend. Wish I had done it years before.

@Almostslimjim Honestly, could be my friend! Let's hope so, surely there can't be two of them. I seriously wanted to bang my head against a brick wall at the end of that conversation.

YANBU although perhaps don't be so blunt in telling her to f off. Just unfollow on social media (not necessarily unfriend - just hide her stuff from timelines) and give simple plain responses to any messages and let it fizzle out.

She'll find someone else to vent her frustrations too. I bet her partner doesn't put up with it hence why she goes elsewhere.

Your friend does sound as if she's being self-centered by not asking about you, but she's not being unreasonable in finding her situation difficult. However the intensity of your feelings makes me wonder about your well-being, and if some of that anger is down to you suffering burn-out. Look after yourself OP.