To be so angry that I can't calm myself

[Ffs2020]

Nc as potentially outing and posting here for traffic . Also long so apologies.

Dd 14 probably has anxiety (waiting on diagnosis) and has been struggling to deal with another student at school. He was coming up behind her and hitting her on the back of the head, and using his incredible bulk to physically shove her, or block her out of conversation. She told me about it a few weeks ago and I called the school. I diplomatically said that as he does this at the side of the road, and there's a big size difference, he could easily body shove her into the path of a car. They dealt with it, and it hasn't happened since.

However fast forward a few weeks, and they've called me to say that they've had to refer ds 16 to social services as a student came forward with concerns. According to the student, ds doesn't get any food, I only wash his uniform and not his other clothes, I don't let him shower, there may be mice in his room because it's filthy (even if it was, we have 2 cats) and I'm a drug addict (I am not. I don't even drink). And this only applies to ds, not dd.

I said to the school, and anyone else, that dd is my priority right now so while I'm saying to ds to shower, get organised for school etc, I'm not checking that he has, but that at 16, when his sister is struggling with her mental health, I expect him to take some responsibility for his own needs.

The school don't believe any of this complaint , have spoken to ds who obviously said none of this is true. They called social services and asked them if they still have to report it when they believe its false, but the drug addict part comes in under mandatory reporting. The school also told me that they were fairly certain that this child hasn't been in our home but obviously can't tell me who it was. Only one child from school has been in our home (bubbled for car pooling) and she gets her dinner here 3 times a week, so it's very doubtful that it's her.

The parents have a history of doing things like this whenever anyone raises issues with their child's behaviour, and we're 98% certain it was them.

I'm incredibly angry. I'm almost constantly angry about this. I'm not snappy or outwardly angry, but I can't sleep properly because I replay the whole thing over and over in my head. It takes hours to get to sleep, and I'm not going into a deep sleep when I do.

I'm also quite sure that this will not be sorted out before Christmas as social services have much higher priority cases and complaints to look into. So the whole thing will be hanging over me like a ghoul on Christmas day.

I won't contact them, because I refuse to give them what they want, which is a scene.

Has anyone any ideas on how to calm myself so I can sleep, and try to let go of some of this anger?

Social services deal with malicious reports 2000 times a day. They aren't idiots.

Let it gooooooo, let it goooooooo. I'm facetious but honestly, channel Elsa. It always makes me laugh when I really need to actually let something go.

Look at it this way. SS may send someone out, one quick glance will prove there is no neglect, no mice, plenty of clean clothes, no cocaine in the sugar bowl or syringes under sofa cushions and then they will go away, mark it all down as a nuisance incident and that will be it.

The person who did this wanted to upset you. Don't give them what they want. Soon they will be flagged as a nuisance caller.

It’s horrible feeling that angry. Can you watch a bit of TV to distract yourself? Or, write an angry email to the people involved but DO NOT SEND IT.
If the allegations are completely baseless social services will be lovely and this will all go away, but you will have to engage with them and be pleasant. If a child has made false allegations about your family there is always the possibility that there are safeguarding issues for that child themselves and they are projecting it onto someone else. Social services will know this and will deal with it appropriately.
A child once claimed that we weren’t feeding DD (we were, she was just fussy and chose not to eat much of her packed lunch). Luckily school just spoke to us informally and it never became a big deal.

Twats. Like others say try to let it go. But next time this knob of a bully psychically assaults your DS, report to the police.

I wish I could give you advice on sleeping after false allegations. I have spent many nights unable to sleep when it happened to me. (Ever escalating allegations over 4 years by a colleague who took exception to me calling him out on a lie)

I feel for you though. I still seethe about it some days.

As mrsterryp said, social services will see this for what it is. And hopefully Elsa might help in the meantime.

I’d sing but your ears will bleed

As others have said you have no choice but to let it go for now. Ss will do what they need to and at 16 DS will virtually be considered an adult. Having worked in SS I've seen 16 year olds orphaned and just left to it with no other input due to their age (awful i know). Unless you're locking him under the stairs they won't be interested. But, the next time this little shit tries to pick on your DD I would be reporting to the school and police and wanting very firm action.

I would keep the cocaine and syringes somewhere else but I'm not sure that's what I'm apparently addicted to. I did ask, but apparently all the child said was 'drugs'.

I'm not overly worried about social services visiting. I would just like to have it over with. If they visit at all, I planned to show them that ds is fed, clean and not adopted by vermin then ask them if they can offer any resources to help dd manage her anxiety.

I am worried that this will be the beginning of a pattern. He's a child so what's to stop him doing the same thing in a few months.

Well actually would DD be interested in martial arts? I did a few years of kickboxing and taught DD a few moves. If that's the bit you're worried about.

Freezer for the coke and syringes woman. Amateur.

I find if I successfully distracted myself from something bothering me during the day, it then comes to get me when I try to sleep instead. Do you have a journal? Start one if not. Write in it three times a day eg on waking, dinner break, before sleeping, even if its just ten minutes each time. It doesn't have to make sense or be proper sentences, you don't have to read it back through after or the next day unless you want to, it doesn't matter if you write the same thing every time and if you don't know what to write start by writing that. Just try to put some of that stuff whizzing round your head onto the paper. After, try a sleep meditation CD or search iTunes or similar for calming music (which might be totally different to your usual choice of music) and try to relax before bed. The more tired I am the less well my brain functions so then I get more stressed than I should, it's a vicious cycle. Sleeping pills for a few days helps break that cycle. If I'm not asleep one hour after I lie down I need to do something about it, otherwise I'll lay there hours maybe all night. Sometimes that's as simple as doing a few house chores (the physical exercise helps) before trying to sleep again. That way if I need a lie in or an afternoon nap next day it's not a problem. The general advice about going to bed with regular sleep and wake times is entirely unhelpful for me, once I'm overtired I'm even less likely to sleep the next night. I'm a lifelong insomniac and stress makes it worse. This is what helps.

Running helped me to stop a similar anger that was constantly on my mind. It was like magic.

The thing with safeguarding is that everything goes into the hopper but social services is only going to pursue things with evidence and/or that represent a serious pattern. A report by one child with no corroborating evidence is not what they are concerned about.

Re anger... CBT?

The one time I had a malicious accusation made against me. My DC were also much younger than yours OP.

SS didn’t bother coming around. They spoke to me on the phone told me they had to investigate accusations because it could be true. And they told me on the phone they would not be pursuing it further as they didn’t think the accusation had merit as school confirmed it wasn’t true as well.

They were lovely on the phone. I was incredibly upset.

Keep an eye on the bully, first sign of any recurrence of the bullying call school and file a police report and call social services tell them and warn them the last time this little shit was pulled up on bullying your child you’d had malicious accusations made against you to SS, and you suspect it was made by this boys family if not him specifically and expect the same to happen. Cut him off before he can do anything.

The school obviously do know who the "reporting" child is, so if that child repeat offends with it, they'll know to ignore it next time.

As far as you dealing with it - well there are a number of techniques you could use, including beating up a pillow to get the adrenalin out, writing all your feelings about it down on a piece of paper and then burning it, mentally boxing up your anger in a black box and either dropping it off the highest cliff you can imagine, or burying it in the deepest hole - or all of them!

With the writing one - it's best to imagine your rage is going with the words, out of your brain, down your arm and onto the paper (which is why you then need to burn it). You can't ever send anything to the kid's parents, because they will LOOVE that and once they know they've got to you, they'll do it more.

It would be good if your DS could help you out here by making sure that there are absolutely no signs that ANY of this nonsense is remotely true, just in support of you (and, indirectly, his sister).

Maybe you could try a meditation app, like Calm (I’m not associated with them)

You can listen to stories and could help you take you mind off this dreadful issue and help you drift off to sleep.

There’s a free version you can try.

Same as @frazzledasarock. I had a malicious report to SS that I was locking dd out of the house, and she had nowhere to go. She was about 14. I had a phone call, and they were thorough, but ultimately reasonable.
I’m pretty sure I know who did it, she wasn’t very stable.
If I were you I would try to contact Ss myself. They aren’t stupid.

I’m so sorry things are tough at the moment, and I wish you all the strength and peace you need.

Try and focus on yourself and family.
It will be ok

Yes that's a good idea, can you contact SS yourself to get it over with? Sorry you're all going through this. What a crappy end to a naff year.

Really sorry to hear that, some people are just downright nasty and no good. I agree with everything above especially escalating any further issues with dd and highlighting that an anonymous tip might come in shortly after would take the wind out of their sales.

Honestly don't worry. School made a referral to Social Services when I pressed a formal complaint about them (that was later accepted by OFSTED and DfE) The SW who contacted me said "The school have made a referral because you have made a complaint......." they didn't even visit, asked if I could confirm whether dd was seen by CAMHS which I could and asked if they could double check that. He phoned me back five minutes later told me not to worry about anything that the referral had been closed. I imagine they get many malicious referrals and are quick to spot them.

Would it help to know that this isn’t really about you? It is about that family’s pretty horrible sounding dynamics that mean they are unable to look at why their son is behaving so abhorrently so they push the blame outwards. If they can make you the bad thing then it temporarily no longer exists inside their family and they don’t have to confront it.

Don’t let them keep it in you. You know that you are a loving mother with showers and dinners galore. Throw their dysfunction out.

Social care will be able to see this, and although they won’t be able to say anything of the sort to you, might be more interested in why a malicious accusation was made and where they got their detailed ideas from.

I understand you are concerned about DD. But why aren’t you concerned about DS? The information came from a pupil. So the assumption can be made that they have seen DS in a bad way, or DS has told them such.
Have you tried talking to DS and seeing how he is feeling?
Perhaps he is feeling like you are favouring DD over him (I’m not saying you are) but even as a teenager, maybe he wants a bit of fussing over?

What a horrible sounding family. Remember you are providing a good home for your kids whereas they must be pretty miserable to behave like that.

How does your ds feel?

Agree with the person who said write a letter but don't send it. Then train yourself to say 'I've already written this down I don't need to think about it.'
Maybe write another list of all the things that make you and your family fab!

Wait, school is reporting you because the child reported and said " drugs"?, not the parent? Do they even take that seriously, how the child know so much about your home unless he/she is your dc's friend and have been to the house? Is that even possible to happen?

I know 16 isn’t exactly adult material but I’m honestly shocked the school would refer a 16 year old to social services on the back of a 14 year old who was bullying your daughter. Even the school can see malicious reports