To be so angry that I can't calm myself

[Ffs2020]

Nc as potentially outing and posting here for traffic . Also long so apologies.

Dd 14 probably has anxiety (waiting on diagnosis) and has been struggling to deal with another student at school. He was coming up behind her and hitting her on the back of the head, and using his incredible bulk to physically shove her, or block her out of conversation. She told me about it a few weeks ago and I called the school. I diplomatically said that as he does this at the side of the road, and there's a big size difference, he could easily body shove her into the path of a car. They dealt with it, and it hasn't happened since.

However fast forward a few weeks, and they've called me to say that they've had to refer ds 16 to social services as a student came forward with concerns. According to the student, ds doesn't get any food, I only wash his uniform and not his other clothes, I don't let him shower, there may be mice in his room because it's filthy (even if it was, we have 2 cats) and I'm a drug addict (I am not. I don't even drink). And this only applies to ds, not dd.

I said to the school, and anyone else, that dd is my priority right now so while I'm saying to ds to shower, get organised for school etc, I'm not checking that he has, but that at 16, when his sister is struggling with her mental health, I expect him to take some responsibility for his own needs.

The school don't believe any of this complaint , have spoken to ds who obviously said none of this is true. They called social services and asked them if they still have to report it when they believe its false, but the drug addict part comes in under mandatory reporting. The school also told me that they were fairly certain that this child hasn't been in our home but obviously can't tell me who it was. Only one child from school has been in our home (bubbled for car pooling) and she gets her dinner here 3 times a week, so it's very doubtful that it's her.

The parents have a history of doing things like this whenever anyone raises issues with their child's behaviour, and we're 98% certain it was them.

I'm incredibly angry. I'm almost constantly angry about this. I'm not snappy or outwardly angry, but I can't sleep properly because I replay the whole thing over and over in my head. It takes hours to get to sleep, and I'm not going into a deep sleep when I do.

I'm also quite sure that this will not be sorted out before Christmas as social services have much higher priority cases and complaints to look into. So the whole thing will be hanging over me like a ghoul on Christmas day.

I won't contact them, because I refuse to give them what they want, which is a scene.

Has anyone any ideas on how to calm myself so I can sleep, and try to let go of some of this anger?

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. It sounds like you've a lot on your maternal plate. You may not want to escalate it but you might want to remind DD that being hit on the back of the head or deliberately shoved is an assault. The boy and his parents may not like his behaviour being curtailed but if it happens again, the school may need a reminder regarding legitimate police action, not spurious social services reporting.

Hope everything settles down.

Good luck.

God what pathetic people to falsely report someone. If it were me, I would feel sorry for them. They are bitter angry liars who can’t control their child, imagine what his home must be like if he is attacking young girls from behind?!

SS get sooo many false reports, it’s difficult but you do just need to not worry about it. It has been reported and you cannot take any other action until SS get in contact and realise quite quickly there is no issue.

On the assault on DD. That's what it was. If it happens again call the police. I have told school that I am considering the police due to an incident just outside school with DS. They were very good and indeed they have a visiting police officer who DS and I spoke to with DS.

I hope school have dealt with this incident properly - sounds like perhaps not engaging effectively with the parents of this child . Never forget that ultimately it's not school's choice or call if you wish to report an assault. Just saying... And if you do report it, in contrast to the SS report, it wouldn't be baseless nonsense, but very very serious. Hitting on the back of the head and pushing into the road? That's extremely serious and violent.

I'd hold that in reserve shoud it happen again, and as well as writing your own thoughts down, please be sure you document the assaults on DD.

This family knows they've fucked you over. They must also know that you could escalate your complaints about this. I hope they have sleepless nights!

SS will not be interested.
Give your DS some attention too, I'm sure you will.
Take care

Easier said than done, but try not to waste even more time and effort on anger.

That boy obviously has some problems, if that is his strategy when he gets in trouble, to accuse another family of something like this. Hopefully the school/ social services will talk to him about the seriousness of an accusation like that and what a waste of resources it is on an already very stretched social services.

The kid probably doesn't even realise the implications of what he is doing. He needs to be told that he could be keeping social services from getting to a child who is actually in need.

So my view I guess is don't be angry - let them come and look at your house and do what they need to do - but do voice concerns about this other child's behaviour - they will probably want to have a chat to him if he's making false accusations.

@JustLikeStitch

I know 16 isn’t exactly adult material but I’m honestly shocked the school would refer a 16 year old to social services on the back of a 14 year old who was bullying your daughter. Even the school can see malicious reports

There are some things where they will simply have a duty to refer regardless of whether they suspect it's not true. They are just doing their jobs. As a professional you simply have to put safeguarding first even if there is the very tiniest possibility that something might be true, and there will always be that tiny possibility.

wildraisins, but are there any consequences for someone reporting maliciously? If there aren't there should be. It's total waste of time and money for the people involved, and causing heartache who don't deserve.

Having worked in SS I've seen 16 year olds orphaned and just left to it with no other input due to their age (awful i know)

A social worker friend told me that even children in care are effectively dumped out into the world when they hit 16. (This was a few years ago - things may have changed). But of course you have a younger child, too, so they have to look into it. This is horrible for you - I would be just as stressed as you in this situation.

I'm not sure that's what I'm apparently addicted to. I did ask, but apparently all the child said was 'drugs'

That bottle of Night Nurse in the bathroom cabinet has come back to hunt you . Seriously - you will be ok, but this is a horrible thing to have hanging over you especially at this time of year, and in this pandemic when you can't even go out for a cup and a rant to help get things in proportion.

Keep strong

Everytime you catch yourself thinking about it, make a choice to think about something else - crochet, your favourite Christmas film, Sam Heughan or similar.

But I think most of us would get really riled up about that. So dont beat yourself up.

I guess the school May think it’s a load of twaddle too, but unfortunately they have to act on it. If they didn’t, there could always be that very slim chance that at least part of its true, and we all know how the media would slaughter the authorities if something happened and neither the school or social service had looked into it. I know the anger, my dc was falsely and maliciously accused of something by another child 10 years ago now, which resulted in a lot of drama. It was proved to be false, but I still feel anger about it all these years later.

I would feel the same as you, I don't think there's anything you can really do but ride it out though. Perhaps distract yourself by cleaning your house so thoroughly that the social worker won't be able to see when/if they arrive because it's so shiny. x

Get a big cage and a couple of pet mice and invite SS round

I would report the whole business to the police. Your DD was assaulted by this boy and now false allegations are being made because you reported it. The school has handled this very badly IMHO.

Agree with Viviennemary.

Hitting something (like a punch bag) was always very cathartic for me, or some sort of exercise that you need to really concentrate on so that it takes your mind off everything except what you are immediately doing.

I felt like it gave my brain a bit of a break from all the thoughts whirling around. Running is good for tiring you out and getting that exercise buzz but again it doesn't really distract you so my brain would still clang around like a pinball rattling all my thoughts. The PP who suggested kickboxing is not wrong. As well as teaching your DD some stuff I really recommend hitting things as a stress release!

It's a shit situation and right now you must be boiling over with the need for something to be done and all you can do is wait. I'm really sorry OP. What a horrible family to do that to someone.

On a purely practical note for helping you sleep - try Rescue Remedy Night. It just might calm your mind enough to drop off and keep you asleep long enough to hit REM sleep.

So do you think it was the boys who was picking on your dd, or his parents that reported? Who was it reported to ss or the school?
Strange that they would put in concerns about your 16 year old ds and not your younger dd.

@Ffs2020
Years ago I had a malicious report, a social worker came round , I said she could speak to DS on his own {then aged 9}...I said to her, and DS ''Tell her anything''

They chatted in the front room for maybe 20 mins, {don't know what about} and I received a letter saying ''All is OK''

I have never had any dealings with social workers, but when I received a letter{they had my address!} it must have been someone who knew us.

Very strange and unsettling. To this day I don't know what it was about.

If you are looking after your DC, nothing to worry about.

A simple urine test will show you are not a drug user, if it comes to that.

God I am so angry for you OP, what scumbags that family are. Social services won't even come, so don't worry about them. But the family...think on your revenge...anonymous contacting goes both ways doesn't it..

God this is awful op. They are very likely to know it's a malicious report but I totally understand why you are furious. It's awful to feel you're under suspicion in any way. Remember it says more about them than you!

Could you contact SS yourself & explain how anxious it is making you? You could ask what the procedure is & how long it is likely to take. At least then you will know & will have taken back some control.

@bobby81

Could you contact SS yourself & explain how anxious it is making you? You could ask what the procedure is & how long it is likely to take. At least then you will know & will have taken back some control.

@Ffs2020 I had a letter, and phoned the number on it the same day. A Social worker came round that day. {Dec 16th, remember it well} Contact them and make an appt for them to come and see you?

Just as reassurance, I have had 3 SS reports made against me: 2 as professionals who were obliged by their role (both told me they saw no actual issue, but it was required by procedure) and one malicious. All of these were ended after one phone call. I have never had a visit. They are so overworked that they are very, very good at sifting out unnecessary reports...

Regarding the anger, I have always found making a deliberate choice to think of something different helpful. When that fails (which is surprisingly rare actually), I beat something ( big cardboard boxes work well! So does furniture you need rid of...) in to oblivion until all the rage is gone.

After everything that's happened (Baby P, Victoria Climbié, Daniel Pelka), who on earth is willing to wait social workers' time with malicious reports?

SS deal with a lot of malicious complaints, and the suggestion of calling them and asking for a visit is a good one.
Someone made a comment about martial arts for DD. My son was bullied and wasn't the only one. Several of the boys decided to go to a local Karate club and talked about it at school. It stopped, or maybe the little shit picked on someone else. He was removed from the school by his dotting mama a few months later.

My SIL works for children's services, and see's first hand how stretched this service is, so it gives me the absolute rage that someone has made a false complaint as a punishment rather than deal with their child's poor behaviour! they have taken resource away from children genuinely in need, and there definitely should be sanctions in place for false reporting!

Could you ring SS and explain and see if they will send someone out before Christmas?

Please don’t worry about SS.

The worst that will happen is that two people will come round with a clip board, ask you a few questions and have a quick look at the kids rooms to make sure they have clean, dry beds to sleep in and access to age appropriate toys/books/activities. They just want to know that the kids are clean and fed and that you are coping with the boring day to day stuff of family life.

They will tick all the boxes on the clipboard and send you a copy in the post.

That’s it. Over and done with, and any more malicious reports will be ignored because they already have it on record that you have passed a home check with no problems observed.

With a bit of luck they might even be able to refer your daughter for some MH support - there are different referral pathways into services and there might be something local that they know about that school or GP does not.

Please try and put it to the back of your mind for now - writing out your anger and not sending it sounds useful.