To be so angry that I can't calm myself

[Ffs2020]

Nc as potentially outing and posting here for traffic . Also long so apologies.

Dd 14 probably has anxiety (waiting on diagnosis) and has been struggling to deal with another student at school. He was coming up behind her and hitting her on the back of the head, and using his incredible bulk to physically shove her, or block her out of conversation. She told me about it a few weeks ago and I called the school. I diplomatically said that as he does this at the side of the road, and there's a big size difference, he could easily body shove her into the path of a car. They dealt with it, and it hasn't happened since.

However fast forward a few weeks, and they've called me to say that they've had to refer ds 16 to social services as a student came forward with concerns. According to the student, ds doesn't get any food, I only wash his uniform and not his other clothes, I don't let him shower, there may be mice in his room because it's filthy (even if it was, we have 2 cats) and I'm a drug addict (I am not. I don't even drink). And this only applies to ds, not dd.

I said to the school, and anyone else, that dd is my priority right now so while I'm saying to ds to shower, get organised for school etc, I'm not checking that he has, but that at 16, when his sister is struggling with her mental health, I expect him to take some responsibility for his own needs.

The school don't believe any of this complaint , have spoken to ds who obviously said none of this is true. They called social services and asked them if they still have to report it when they believe its false, but the drug addict part comes in under mandatory reporting. The school also told me that they were fairly certain that this child hasn't been in our home but obviously can't tell me who it was. Only one child from school has been in our home (bubbled for car pooling) and she gets her dinner here 3 times a week, so it's very doubtful that it's her.

The parents have a history of doing things like this whenever anyone raises issues with their child's behaviour, and we're 98% certain it was them.

I'm incredibly angry. I'm almost constantly angry about this. I'm not snappy or outwardly angry, but I can't sleep properly because I replay the whole thing over and over in my head. It takes hours to get to sleep, and I'm not going into a deep sleep when I do.

I'm also quite sure that this will not be sorted out before Christmas as social services have much higher priority cases and complaints to look into. So the whole thing will be hanging over me like a ghoul on Christmas day.

I won't contact them, because I refuse to give them what they want, which is a scene.

Has anyone any ideas on how to calm myself so I can sleep, and try to let go of some of this anger?

@Xerochrysum

wildraisins, but are there any consequences for someone reporting maliciously? If there aren't there should be. It's total waste of time and money for the people involved, and causing heartache who don't deserve.

I think there would be a real difficulty in distinguishing between the malicious allegations and those made in good faith but simply wrong, tbh.

And no-one wants to end up before a serious case review because they didn't take a report seriously, even if the person doing the reporting has made a shedload of unfounded allegations before. It doesn't mean that the current allegation is a pack of lies, after all.

I feel sorry for anyone who works in safeguarding, tbh. It's always the social worker who gets hung out to dry when something goes wrong, and often a junior one at that.

Also just had a malicious report made.
It's beyond horrible.
Trying to not let it ruin Christmas.

My remedy for that sort of all-consuming rage is a long soak in a bath, with a glass of wine and some soothing music (the Mozart clarinet quintet works for me, I'm chilled by the end of the second movement).

For me the best way to get past things like this is to remember that they have to spend the rest of their lives with themselves, whereas you only had to encounter them for a brief time. Sorry this has happened to you.

I agree with pp that social services will see this for the nonsense that it is. I doubt you'll be visited.

But can I ask why you've chosen to pathologise your DD's symptoms of anxiety ("awaiting diagnosis")? If I had someone regularly coming up behind me and hitting me over the head, or barging me forcefully with their body in an everyday context, I would feel anxious too, but that's not the same as having an anxiety disorder, which is when feelings of anxiety are experienced inappropriately. I just wonder if it's helpful to characterise her as "having anxiety" at 14 when in fact she's what most people would call instead "being bullied". Anyway, whatever, I doubt I know the whole story.

I'm sorry for the shit time you're having and hope the end of term brings some respite for you all. I don't suppose changing schools is an option, but in your shoes I'd be thinking about it, perhaps when DS has finished GCSEs, which are presumably imminent. Otherwise, I guess I'd be involving the whole family in long-term stress-reduction activities, like spending time outdoors, sports, singing/musicmaking, etc.

YANBU to be ragingly angry though.

It's a shame it's a waste of precious resources, but procedures rightly should be followed to eliminate malicious complaints like yours clearly is. You have nothing to worry about so try not to be cross. It is obviously a family with issues, feel sorry for them if you are able to!

To answer some questions:

It was the child who reported it to the school. School reported it under mandatory reporting, but added that they don't think its true and that they don't think the concerned child has been in the house. Which he hasn't.

I suspect he's been told what to say by the parents. They are well-known locally for similar behaviours.

Ds and this child are not friends. Neither is dd. She finds him quite racist and doesn't like to be around him. He isn't really on ds's radar to be honest.

Dd is seeing Mh services but it's slow going, so should a social worker actually appear, I will be asking if they can do anything to support her or speed up the process.

The School asked the child about dd, but apparently I feed her.

I haven't had a letter or anything from social services yet so I'll keep an eye out for one.

Thats another thing that's infuriating me about it. There are so many children in need of social work support that aren't getting it because the service is overworked, overstretched and covid hasn't helped matters. And now they have to waste time on this nonsense instead of dealing with serious, complex cases. I understand that they have a legal duty to investigate, but if this child wasn't an asshole, we wouldn't be taking up their time.

Gp has said that they think she has an anxiety disorder. After lock down things that she would normally be capable of have become impossible. Right now, she can't even go to the shop for milk, talk to anyone but immediate family, or go to school a lot of days. We're basically just waiting for mental health to agree and start helping her.

The child isn't in her classes. She has limited contact with him. He had been friendly, but not quite friends with one of her friends.

I think he sees her as an easy target as she already has so much going on that she's struggling with.

Your poor DD. To be going through so much and have this thug assault her. I'd want to kill him dead and then the social workers would have something to deal with.

Although I'd want to threaten the family with the police over his assault of your DD... it's probably better just to write them a really brutal letter (that you don't send) to get the rage out of your system.

I get like this sometimes and I find the following can help:
Write it all down. In great detail including how it makes you feel.
Meditating twice a day.
Saying to myself ' I am really angry about what has happened' ie acknowledging my feelings.
Exercising really hard helps me expel difficult feelings too.

It sounds like you have a lot of the hormone adrenaline in your body. The only way your body can get rid of it is through physical activity.

Also, would it help to think that this family had now drawn SS's attention to themselves for all the wrong reasons! A teen who fabricates detailed lies about a family that have reported them for bullying is not one with healthy boundaries and is anything, I'd have thought that would concern SS more than your family.

It's obviously a complete fabrication and SS will dismiss it instantly. I'm mainly angry that SS time is being wasted when they could be investigating a genuine case of abuse or neglect.