To be upset that family have cancelled Christmas plans

[RobynNora]

I can’t work out if I’m being irrationally upset that my family have cancelled our Christmas plans in Cardiff because it’s ‘too risky’. My mother thinks I’m ‘being hormonal’ and need to ‘get a grip’ because I’m overreacting. But my partner thinks this is typical behaviour from my parents and isn’t surprised. I don’t usually feel as upset as this.

Usually I wouldn’t be too bothered about Christmas but I have an 8-week old baby who they haven’t met yet. We had planned to see them in Wales to introduce them to their first grandchild on Christmas Day while the rules permit. They probably won’t get to meet him for ages now due to post Christmas lockdown. I’m not actually that bothered about the day itself but just feel incredibly sad for my family and especially the baby that his grandparents won’t move mountains to see him like my friends’ parents.

We’ve been self isolating for Christmas to be safe, but I think in many ways we are much more cautious than them anyway. My dad is 66 and my mum has asthma. I do understand their anxiety but feel cross that my dad has gone to work while mum has done some Christmas shopping at the shops (rather than online). So I feel really hurt they don’t want to see us. Maybe I’m being unreasonable?

Of course they want to see you and their grandchild. They are just being sensible.

Aw this sounds so tough for you You have every reason to feel sad and disappointed. But it probably is the right thing to do overall, to be safe. Hopefully there will be loads of chances in 2021 to make up for all these lost moments and lost hugs. Sending you and your baby lots of love . Be kind to yourself x

I would have been upset under any other circumstances but we are in the middle of a pandemic and I applaud anyone who is using their common sense during this period. If your dad is working then he could potentially pass on the virus to you and your family if he gets it. I think they are being very sensible and are thinking with their head and not their heart .

Could you not have visited them and stood outside with baby in pram or whatever just to show them and chat a little?? Or they come to you but stay outside? I do think it’s odd not to have seen their first grandchild in the flesh. Babies grow so quickly. And your DM doesn’t sound particularly nice accusing you of being hormonal! Perhaps you’re better off not spending Christmas with them!

YABU it is really bad here in Wales you really don't realise how bad. The amount of ppl in hospital with Covid could fill 5 major hospitals we are only a small nation. Give her the benefit of the doubt l am sure she woud like nothing better than to see her grandchild.

It sounds as if it is the best decision right now. I am sure they love seeing pictures and videos as a poor alternative. Hope you have a lovely Christmas where-ever you are. But I am sad to hear that it is normal where you are for covid rules not to be followed. That makes it harder for all of us.

Sorry OP l didn't realise you had come to your cake and milk & posted l am so glad, heres to a lovely 2021 like you said good luck with your baby

Absolutely shit of them that they arent falling over themselves to meet their new grandchild and I'd take the results on here with a pinch of salt. In the real world, people are desperate to meet their new grandbaby.

All this 'baby's first Christmas' stuff is only for the parents anyway. The baby hasn't a clue after all!

It doesn't matter who is there and who isn't there on the day, a baby as young as yours is only concerned about about Mummy, boob/bottle and a clean, dry bum. You could put him in a cute little outfit and spend some time taking some really nice photos, perhaps with his first Christmas present then you've got a lovely memento of the day which can be shared with relatives and perhaps an extra copy printed out just for him when he is old enough to appreciate it. Plus, you can embarrass him in front of his first girl/boyfriend with it

But what if your gathering resulted in someone/some of you becoming infected? And what if one of those people come to harm, or even die- will it have been worth it then?

Being a work is different- often you don’t have a choice, for instance. And there are restrictions that will not be in place in someone’s home. We know that people behave differently when gathering in the home and with family and friends when compared to workplaces. We know transmission is higher in the home (on average) and that risk increases the longer you spend together.

Perhaps you could view this as your parents being cautious, rather than not caring about your and your baby. This has nothing to do with your baby- he will not remember one way or the other- this is about you and I think you need to recognise that. You want them to show they are desperate to see you and your baby and are hurt their concern for their own health outweighs that. Perhaps they are also hurt that an non-essential visit is more important to you than taking precautions to keep them safe?

I understand why you are upset, but I think YABU.

If you both isolate before hand then the risk should be minimal not sure if that’s an option..
beyond Xmas were you aware that having a child under 12 months means you can form a support bubble? Could this be an option with your parents - maybe it will allow them to meet baby when things have calmed down

They are doing the right thing..but it's totally understandable to be upset!
From the parent's view point.. I'd be gutted not to meet my new grandchild, but being where they are..I'd say no too, to protect you and your lovely baby. Your Dad working DOES mean risk even if your Mum hadn't been to the shops.
Baby won't care either way and as someone who always lived a long way from my own Grandparents and certainly didn't see them as a baby as my parents were too poor to travel... it never affected my relationship with them.. I adored them and them me.

Hang on for better times!!

Aw God love you I'd be upset too but I think you have to kind of respect that people want to keep a distance even at Christmas.

It is disappointing especially with the baby unfortunately many families will cancel Christmas plans.
We were going to Dbro's after dinner he has a marquee with out-door heating, I'm seriously considering cancelling.
In the big picture your DP's are thinking sensibly.

I don't really think either of you are being totally ureasonable - your upset is understandable, but your parents' decision is also understandable and coming from a place of safe-guarding for everyone.

THere's still Skype/Zoom/Facetime!

We are in a very similar position to your parents. New first grandchild a month old who we haven’t yet met. They are in London, we are also tier 3. Of course we pine to meet her but it’s just for us to not miss out not for her. We are actually going to use the relaxation in travel to go to London but just to meet for the day outside. I can easily understand your parents point of view. It’s hard but we need to patient for a few more months then we can cuddle all we want.

I think if anything it is a sign that your parents care more, newborn babies need protecting from infections at this stage and it doesn’t sound like your parents are in a position to guarantee that. I wouldn’t think people being casual about meeting up is a sign they care more at all.

I am surprised to hear your antenatal group have had so many visits, I know a few people who became grandparents early this year and have never met up or only once, they definitely care a lot but these have been strange times!

Hope they do get to meet the new little one soon! If anything I think it is better to see someone outside the official window but at a quieter time when there hopefully won’t be a big surge in cases and demand on nhs, which right now and after Xmas is sadly likely to be the case.

Hope you enjoy a snuggly Christmas with new little one.

I understand.

My parents are anxious about the virus. Particularly my dad. This seems to have overridden everything. They’ve gone from doting grandparents to suddenly not really all that arsed. Or that’s how it feels anyway.

Honestly Cardiff is very bad right now and the best option is not to see your parents here in wales, your parents are thinking of you and your newborn I know it’s hard though it really is

They are very sensible and caring parents and grandparents. They don’t want to pass anything into you or their grandchild.
I wonder if they told you about this decision too casually, trying not to upset you and now you think that they don’t care whereas it’s quite the opposite.

I can so easily understand your disappointment. You wanted your baby to have his first Christmas with his grandparents. However, given the circumstances, I think that they are being wise. I'm sure that they take proper precautions when going out, but are not willing to risk your child. That's responsible. And he is too young now to know the difference.

Hopefully, with vaccinations now being available, next Christmas, which he may well remember, will be a wonderful holiday with all of his family.

YANBU to be upset.

However, your baby won't remember this and your parents are silly (IMHO) to prioritize other things over meeting a first grandchild. Their loss.

So I'd just think that actually by not seeing them you are keeping your baby safe. Have a brilliant Christmas without them. Keep baby safe and savor your first Christmas together.

You feeling upset is completely understandable, nothing wrong with that at all.

But I definitely think your parents are right - and it shows how much they care about you are your new family. Was shocked to see on the news today how bad it’s looking at one hospital in Wales re queue of ambulances, it’s just not worth the risk.

And your mum has gone to the shops, but am assuming mask-wearing/being careful. And am assuming your dad has no choice but to go to work. So they really are doing the best thing by not seeing you.

Hopefully, when the warmer months come and things look slightly better, then you could have a “summer” Christmas. And first photos of grandparents/grandchild might be nicer to look back on without snow/face mask/standing opposite ends of a garden.

I hope you still get to have a lovely Christmas - and that your parents do too.

best to wait till the have vaccine - the fact that their turn will be soon, should surely make it easier to wait!

*they have the vaccine