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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad to not be included in the bubble?

52 replies

Rainbowb · 16/12/2020 17:12

My mum is retired and a carer for my dad who is classed as vulnerable because of his long term health conditions. After the second lockdown she found out that she was entitled to form a support bubble with another household as she is a carer. She chose my brother and his family apparently because they live slightly nearer. She already has a childcare bubble with them so could have made a support bubble with me and my family but for some reason she chose not to. Perhaps being cautious because of my dad I don’t know but I’m sure she had her reasons. Despite this, it feels horrible to not be chosen.

I know logically that we are all in difficult positions and people are having to make terrible decisions that no-one should take personally. But I can’t seem to get my head to control my heart. It feels horrible not seeing her, my children miss her and when I phone her I have to listen to all her stories about my brother’s children. She looks after them a lot despite having my dad to care for too. It’s starting to really upset me and it doesn’t help that my mil is over here a lot and she’s a difficult woman to get on with. It seems to make me miss my mum even more. I know the way I feel isn’t rational or right but if anyone has any kind pearls of wisdom that would help me deal with this I would be so grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowb · 16/12/2020 17:15

I also feel bad because I can’t help them anymore either. I used to have my mum over for coffee once a week to give her a break and my dh was always doing odd jobs for them. I feel like I can’t keep an eye on them in the same way although I’m sure my brother is doing.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 16/12/2020 17:18

If it helps, I don't think she could have chosen you. You can't form a support bubble with someone who is already in a support bubble, so no one else can form a support bubble with her, as she's already in a support bubble with your brother.

So she hasn't chosen your DB twice, she's chosen him once, presumably for childcare reasons, and because he lives nearer. So for practical reasons she chose your DB.

Original poster
Rainbowb · 16/12/2020 17:19

Perhaps I misunderstood the rules - I thought you could have a support bubble and also a separate childcare bubble.

OP posts:
justfreedes · 16/12/2020 17:20

@mrsm43s is correct

Chamomileteaplease · 16/12/2020 17:21

Do you normally have a good relationship with your mum?

So, are you saying that she could have had two families to have support bubbles with and chose your brother's family twice?? Not sure I understand!

Why not ask her what she is thinking? You are obviously upset by it. It might help to know why she did this.

And when she talks a lot about your brother's children I am sure you can gently say that it upsets you to hear this because you are sad that she isn't seeing your own children. Might be a gentle way to approach the subject.

No point in being sad not knowing what the hell is going on Smile. Ask.

peboh · 16/12/2020 17:21

I'm not sure on the exact rules of bubbling. However I think even if she could, wouldn't it be slightly careless to have two separate support bubbles? I'm pretty sure once you're in a bubble you can't have another one anyway.

goopsoup · 16/12/2020 17:23

It sounds like there are underlying reasons why you feel she wouldn't choose you, OP? Has she always favoured DB a bit, and his DC?

Mousehole10 · 16/12/2020 17:24

I’m sorry you’re upset about this. As you said people have to make difficult choices and have to choose what’s best for themselves, especially as it’s their support bubble. From an outsiders perspective what they have done is very sensible. You’re dad is vulnerable so it makes sense for them to limit their contacts to one household. As they were already providing childcare for your brothers children it makes complete sense to pick them for support bubble so they aren’t in contact with more than necessary. Also If you are a childcare bubble you can’t socialise with the adults in that bubble (they are different from support bubbles) and so they wouldn’t have been able to socialise with your brother until they became a support bubble, only look after the children.

24hrpantypeople · 16/12/2020 17:25

The childcare bubble is literally just for childcare though, drop off and pick up. The children would have close contact with your parents but your brother and his partner shouldn't.

mrsm43s · 16/12/2020 17:26

@Rainbowb

Perhaps I misunderstood the rules - I thought you could have a support bubble and also a separate childcare bubble.
TBH, I'm not sure, but it doesn't seem very sensible, because surely if everyone is in multiple bubbles, then they all join together and aren't bubbles at all?

But in any case, presumably you are a support bubble with your MIL as you mention she is over a lot, and so therefore you can't also be a support bubble for your DM and DF? Even if the rules allow it, that would be your MIL, You and DH, Your DM and DF, Your DB and his family all linked together - plus everyone that all of you see at work, at school etc. Surely that's far away from being a closed "bubble", or being safe.

Don't look at it as a rejection of you, it's just risk elimination.

hilariousnamehere · 16/12/2020 17:26

I thought support bubbles were only for single adult households or childcare? You can have one of each - are you a single adult household OP? If not then she's just following rules I think.

Mousehole10 · 16/12/2020 17:28

No, pp are correct, you can’t have two support bubbles. You can however have a support bubble and a childcare bubble but they are different things, adults can’t mix in a childcare bubble. So she couldn’t have both you and your brother in any bubbles.

Original poster
Rainbowb · 16/12/2020 17:28

Thanks all, yes I’m sure you’re all right, it makes far more sense to just bubble up with one other household, for whatever reasons. I know that logically, just wish I could stop feeling like this!

OP posts:
Mousehole10 · 16/12/2020 17:30

@hilariousnamehere

I thought support bubbles were only for single adult households or childcare? You can have one of each - are you a single adult household OP? If not then she's just following rules I think.
Support bubbles are for single adults, people with babies under one and adults who care for someone and are the only other adult in their household. Childcare is childcare bubbles which are different from support bubbles, see my post above. They really need to explain the bubbles better as so many people don’t know the rules!
myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 17:34

You're already in a bubble with MIL though

goopsoup · 16/12/2020 17:36

You're already in a bubble with MIL though

Good point, you can't have 3 bubbles OP, it's one.

GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 16/12/2020 17:36

@24hrpantypeople

The childcare bubble is literally just for childcare though, drop off and pick up. The children would have close contact with your parents but your brother and his partner shouldn't.
This ^

I know it's hard but if she's doing a childcare bubble then it absolutely makes sense to have a support bubble with them too so it's mutually beneficial.

Sounds like you see your MIL and maybe your Mum factored that in too.

It won't be forever and I'm sure your Mum is missing you and your DC a lot too. If you are close by could you meet her outside occasionally (depending on your tier).

When this is all over maybe you could plan to do something extra special with your Mum.

VictoriasCousin · 16/12/2020 17:45

I'm a single parent and have a support bubble and a childcare bubble. My childcare bubble can do childcare for my kids, but not spend time with me IYSWIM

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 16/12/2020 17:45

I'm not sure how your mother could create a support bubble?

However, support bubbles and childcare bubbles ARE different and you can have both - I just don't see how your mother could be in a support bubble. From govt website:
"A support bubble is different to a childcare bubble and a Christmas bubble. Being in a support bubble does not stop you from forming a childcare bubble or a Christmas bubble."

And the eligibility rules are - I presume you are referring to your mother qualifying under point 2?:
"You can form a support bubble with another household of any size if:
-you live by yourself – even if carers visit you to provide support
-you are the only adult in your household who does not need continuous care as a result of a disability
-your household includes a child who is under the age of one or was under that age on 2 December 2020
-your household includes a child with a disability who requires continuous care and is under the age of 5, or was under that age on 2 December 2020
-you are aged 16 or 17 living with others of the same age and without any adults
-you are a single adult living with one or more children who are under the age of 18 or were under that age on 12 June 2020
You should not form a support bubble with a household that is part of another support bubble."
www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-support-bubble-with-another-household

TBH OP, I think it's just best that your parents minimise contact beyond your brother's family, who they are in a childcare bubble with, rather than creating lots of bubbles.

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 16/12/2020 17:48

Oh I just noticed that you are already in a bubble with your MIL - what sort of bubble arrangement is that?

Sally872 · 16/12/2020 17:52

Limiting households is the best way to protect anyone especially your dad. If they are already in childcare bubble then it makes sense that would ideally be support bubble too. I would be pleased they are being cautious.

houseinthesnow · 16/12/2020 17:58

I don't think your mother had a choice according to the rules.

I would also consider keeping the phone calls short and sweet, and when she starts talking about your brother, as she is likely to do as there is nothing else to talk about it - just change the subject quickly. Ditto with SM if that is an issue.

It is just the situation, it is annoying and upsetting but it is what it is.

Try and make some fun for your dc and focus on them for a little while.

Ideasplease322 · 16/12/2020 18:02

Someone has already pointed out, but your mil must be in your bubble, so surely you picked her anyway?

You really should only be in one bubble. It’s about mini dung risk, not seeing what loopholes there are in the rules.

I know it’s tough, I would love to spend more time with my parents. I am single and am bubbling with my sister and her family. If I didn’t have that I’m not sure how I would cope.

shelvira · 16/12/2020 18:26

I agree with everyone else OP - you are already in a bubble with your MIL. That will by why your mum has bubbled with your brother 'twice' - because she had no opportunity to bubble with you.

I am sorry this has all made you feel so upset. It has been hard for people, it really has.

peboh · 16/12/2020 18:27

@Rainbowb

Thanks all, yes I’m sure you’re all right, it makes far more sense to just bubble up with one other household, for whatever reasons. I know that logically, just wish I could stop feeling like this!
I am sorry for how you're feeling. Covid bubbles have sadly caused a lot of friction and upset between many families. It's okay if you have a tight little two household family unit, but for those of us with more households we really can't win when it comes to choosing a support bubble.