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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad to not be included in the bubble?

52 replies

Rainbowb · 16/12/2020 17:12

My mum is retired and a carer for my dad who is classed as vulnerable because of his long term health conditions. After the second lockdown she found out that she was entitled to form a support bubble with another household as she is a carer. She chose my brother and his family apparently because they live slightly nearer. She already has a childcare bubble with them so could have made a support bubble with me and my family but for some reason she chose not to. Perhaps being cautious because of my dad I don’t know but I’m sure she had her reasons. Despite this, it feels horrible to not be chosen.

I know logically that we are all in difficult positions and people are having to make terrible decisions that no-one should take personally. But I can’t seem to get my head to control my heart. It feels horrible not seeing her, my children miss her and when I phone her I have to listen to all her stories about my brother’s children. She looks after them a lot despite having my dad to care for too. It’s starting to really upset me and it doesn’t help that my mil is over here a lot and she’s a difficult woman to get on with. It seems to make me miss my mum even more. I know the way I feel isn’t rational or right but if anyone has any kind pearls of wisdom that would help me deal with this I would be so grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
whatwedontknow · 16/12/2020 18:28

It’s hard but you can only have one bubble even if you qualify for different types. So your DM may be entitled to form a childcare bubble or a carer bubble or a bubble with a single person. But she can only choose one.

As mentioned your MiL is your bubble so you couldn’t form a bubble with your DM.

And what the hell, never did I ever think I would be having conversations about family bubbles unless high on drugs. Confused

saraclara · 16/12/2020 18:30

@Rainbowb

Perhaps I misunderstood the rules - I thought you could have a support bubble and also a separate childcare bubble.
Nope. You can only have one bubble.
Lavanderrose · 16/12/2020 18:34

OP is right, you can have a support bubble, a separate childcare bubble & a Christmas bubble. This is why the OP is upset, because in a support bubble you can do things like spend time all together in the house, stay the night, travel together etr. I can understand how it’s made you feel but in your mums defensive it seems the safest option and also she may have considered that you seem to have a support bubble with your MIL already. I think your mum is being a little insensitive to your feelings though.

Hayeahnobut · 16/12/2020 18:37

@whatwedontknow You can have more than one type of bubble, just not more than one of the same type of bubble. However the childcare bubble must be for childcare only, so not socialising, having a coffee with etc. If they're doing the latter then that would need to be as a support bubble.

It's confirmed on the gov website.

www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-support-bubble-with-another-household#how-support-bubbles-relate-to-other-types-of-bubble

Hayeahnobut · 16/12/2020 18:41

How support bubbles relate to other types of bubble

A support bubble is different to a childcare bubble and a Christmas bubble. Being in a support bubble does not stop you from forming a childcare bubble or a Christmas bubble.

Note that's for England. Other nations may differ.

Peppafrig · 16/12/2020 18:48

The advice everyone is giving is for England . Which might not apply to you OP. Where in the UK are you ?

Randomrebel · 16/12/2020 18:53

Are your DB’s children elder than yours or younger and are you usually more self sufficient in terms of childcare and other things than DB?
Just wondering as my mum favours her eldest granddaughter in my sisters family and practically brought her up. My two have never got a look in and she has almost taken my place in the family as eldest daughter too. It is hurtful. My sister lives closer than me. I live 10
minute drive away whereas sister lives a 10 minute walk away.

Asgoodasarest · 16/12/2020 18:54

I find myself in a similar situation. I just wanted to tell you you’re not the only one feeling out on a limb. All I do is remind myself that none of us chose this and that unless there are other ongoing family issues, any hurt felt is not inflicted intentionally.
In my case I speak to my mum honestly about how I feel and we all make the effort to do the best we can within what’s sensible and safe. Once I focused on how I could interact / spend time with the people I care about, rather than what others could do that I couldn’t, I felt a bit better. You’re only human though and it’s really rough feeling left out.

WinniePig · 16/12/2020 18:58

Tell your mum how you feel! No point speculating over the reasons; tell her that you feel upset. Once everything is out in the open and you have heard her side of the story, you might feel better. Also, tell her to be more tactful. Tell her it is upsetting you to hear stories of all the fun she is having with her other grandchildren when your DCs can’t see her. Threads like this can make things worse by making you feel like the victim.

chloworm · 16/12/2020 19:00

It must be difficult for you OP and your feelings are valid. Do talk to your mum if you feel you want to. If it makes you feel better, my mil/fil have formed a 'childcare' bubble with my sil/bil and my mum/dad have formed a 'childcare' bubble with my sis/bil. Thing is, neither my sil or sis work! They are both SAHMs with husbands at home too. I am the only working mum in the family, frequently desperate for childcare, yet they wouldn't bubble with me.

HikeForward · 16/12/2020 19:01

You can only bubble with one family. And your mum is probably trying to reduce the risk to your dad, the more people they see the greater his risk of getting covid.

FestiveChristmasLights · 16/12/2020 19:04

YANBU to feel sad not to be in a bubble with your mum but it wasn’t possible for it to happen for all the reasons above.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/12/2020 19:25

Mixing people is risky for virus transmission. So hard as it is, it is better that you don't have too many bubbles. It's like the Christmas bubble situation, all because you can mix doesn't mean you should.

lanthanum · 16/12/2020 19:28

@Rainbowb

Perhaps I misunderstood the rules - I thought you could have a support bubble and also a separate childcare bubble.
I don't know if that's true, but it misses the point. The point is that we need to minimise interactions between households. In recognition that this presents problems for those who need childcare, and for those who are alone/caring, there are a couple of exceptions to solve those problems. But if you can solve both problems with the same household, that is better, since fewer households are mingling.

Once your parents have been vaccinated, and the rules begin to change as a result of vaccination, I'm sure your mum will make it up to you. Perhaps you can begin to make (tentative) plans for something special in the summer that you can look forward to.

Bikingbear · 16/12/2020 20:00

Op regardless of the rules. The least risky option is for your parents to minimise contact with other households, so makes most sense to bubble with your DB.

It's a good point nobody chooses this. My DM is bubbled with my DSis, for many reasons it was the most logical option. But it doesn't take away the fact my mum is missing my kids and I am missing her horrendously.

I'm planning a 'proper' Christmas in summer. Slowly putting my plans together in my head.

Bikingbear · 16/12/2020 20:01

We will have some contact on Christmas Day but proper Christmas in summer!

AcornAutumn · 16/12/2020 20:23

I can understand your feelings OP. Flowers

Original poster
Rainbowb · 16/12/2020 20:50

@Randomrebel

Are your DB’s children elder than yours or younger and are you usually more self sufficient in terms of childcare and other things than DB? Just wondering as my mum favours her eldest granddaughter in my sisters family and practically brought her up. My two have never got a look in and she has almost taken my place in the family as eldest daughter too. It is hurtful. My sister lives closer than me. I live 10 minute drive away whereas sister lives a 10 minute walk away.
They’re a bit younger. Yes I gave up my full time job for a term time job so that I would be self sufficient with childcare and not have to burden anyone else. The unexpected side effect of that was that both my dm and my mil have become much closer to their other grandchildren who they have to care for regularly. They don’t think to “make the time up” with my children and in the case of mil, the favouritism is sadly quite blatant. I guess I’ve had a general feeling of my children being “left out” for quite a while and this perhaps has exacerbated it. I do understand that my mum had proper reasons though I just can’t help feeling sad about it.
OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 20:58

You're in a bubble with your MIL though. And she's there a lot so surely there's no time to be made up as you say?

HappyDays10101 · 16/12/2020 21:06

Can you not talk to her about how you feel, so she can reassure you?

Original poster
Rainbowb · 16/12/2020 21:08

She only actually sees the children properly at weekends for a couple of hours for Sunday dinner. The other visits are usually brief visits in the week when she needs a favour and she doesn’t really interact with the children at all.

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 21:29

Fair enough. She's still your bubble so your mum probably has no clue you feel this way as you've "chosen" MIL.

Sad world though when we've all got to limit contact. Nobody ever would have wanted to make these "choices"

KarmaNoMore · 16/12/2020 21:43

OP, it is a Christmas like no other, she is just being cautious, she has the child care bubble with your brother already so in a way, she is choosing not to increase the risks.

My parents are vulnerable and were isolating for months, it just took a short visit from a totally asymptomatic relative on my dad’s birthday for both my parents to get it.

Being vulnerable is not just a matter of terminology, my parents have diabetes and blood pressure, within two days my mother had a covid caused trombosis, and went down from having a stuffy nose to not knowing if she would survive the night in only 48 hours. My father followed her steps only 36 hrs later.

They are ok now, but we had 3 horrendous weeks, 2 months later they still need oxygen at some times of the day.

Christmas is just a day, I am spending it alone with my child, but honestly I am so grateful my parents are still with us I do not mind! I know I won’t see them until they get a vaccine but honestly, it is not worth risking them dying just because we miss them. Staying away, this winter, is an act of love Flowers

KarmaNoMore · 16/12/2020 21:55

Ps. I cannot say to my mother that DS did whatever because then she goes on for hours about how my sister’s kids did it sooner, better or faster.

It used to irritate the hell out of me until my sister complained to me that she couldn’t say anything about her kids without my mother saying my DS was doing it sooner, better or faster Grin

Once DSis and I understood that, we just ignore her 🙂

Dishwashersaurous · 16/12/2020 22:29

Just to be clear.

Your mum can’t form a support bubble with anyone as she isn’t a single person household.

She can form a childcare bubble with one other family. But this is only for childcare and only when the parents are not around.

Therefore, unfortunately there is no situation at the moment where you can have your mum round for a cup of tea indoors ( unless you live in tier one).