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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous of a colleague

77 replies

Kandymuse70 · 15/12/2020 10:12

I know it's a horrible emotion and irrational, not here for people to have a go.
I work at a school, I was doing the role she now does as a maternity cover, and then a permanent role was advertised.
I applied as an internal candidate, but she was given the job as an external.
It's my own problem, I just feel resent that I was already doing that role myself yet they didn't deem me good enough to do it permanently.
Anyway, I guess I am jealous, I have another role now but on a much lower salary. I always see her walking round in expensive-looking clothes and she seems to have made a lot of friends at the school.
I covered one class of hers and when the kids came in they didn't even say hi or anything, just asking why she's not in and looking annoyed. Ended up telling them to just deal with it as it's just one day and not the end of world.
It's wrong to compare myself and all I can do is better myself. I have taken on a second job which will give me a much more comfortable salary.
I just need to focus on myself, I recognise this is irrational.
She has never been rude to me or anything though once she seemed to give me an order.
Any advice would be appreciated. Have others felt this way ?

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 15/12/2020 10:24

I mean this in the kindest possible way - you need to move past this. Ultimately, they thought she was the best person for the job. That doesn't mean you weren't good at the job but these things happen and many of us have been in this position.
You shouldn't blame your colleague - it's not her fault.
You need to take this a development opportunity and think about how you can be successful next time. How you behave in this situation will tell your employer a lot about you.

Gardeniaofdelights · 15/12/2020 10:35

I understand why this is hard so I don’t think you’re unreasonable, but you’re right that it’s something you need to try and move past. Just remember that while she might have been the best person for the job that doesn’t mean you weren’t good - under other circumstances it might have been you, and further opportunities will come your way. You’re doing the right thing looking for opportunities to improve your training and prospects. Give it time and it will come good.

disappear · 15/12/2020 10:42

Are you looking for a similar job in a different school? Maybe discuss this with your line manager. Did you get feedback from your interview? Don’t let this hold you back. You have experience of doing the job so act now while that experience is still recent. Good luck.

VainAbigail · 15/12/2020 10:59

Ended up telling them to just deal with it as it's just one day and not the end of world

Perhaps the school can see this is your attitude at times and that’s why you didn’t get the job.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2020 11:03

It’s understandable you’re upset but she hasn’t done anything to you and you don’t have a clue why she wears expensive clothes. Maybe she prioritises her wardrobe over other things, she could have a high earning partner, have won the lottery or have a trust fund for all you know. She’s just getting on with the job she was given, because she was the best person for the job.

It’s good you’re focussing on improving your own situation.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/12/2020 11:06

It's good you've recognised this feeling. I think it's more about yourself than her if that makes sense. I'd try and get some feedback on your job and performance in general, it's difficult to listen to but if you push for some specifics you might be able to come up with a plan to get where you want to be. Would it be possible to learn from her or other colleagues who have the results and relationships with students that you want?

WanderingMilly · 15/12/2020 11:28

Jealousy can be such a destructive emotion if you let it; on the other hand, it can alert you to what you feel you're missing in life if you use the emotion constructively, to make changes.

As others have said, your colleague hasn't done anything wrong. And you've identified and admitted your own feelings. Use this to work out exactly what it is you want to change about your life. For instance, is it about the expensive clothes (in which case, how to earn more money?) or about the job itself (are similar positions available elsewhere? Any training you could do to enhance your prospects?) and so on.

If you can use your feelings in this way you may be able to overcome them and move forward....

Original poster
Kandymuse70 · 15/12/2020 11:33

Thanks for the understanding and constructive replies. Indeed she hasn't done anything wrong.
I said that to the students because instead of coming into the room and greeting me, they were sighing and huffing and puffing because it was not their teacher, and also ignoring what I had asked them to do, but no I don't have a poor attitude I don't think.
I will keep on working on myself and not feel inadequate. The second job I have will give me a good boost and I will keep on gaining experience and enhancing my prospects

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2020 11:36

I said that to the students because instead of coming into the room and greeting me, they were sighing and huffing and puffing because it was not their teacher, and also ignoring what I had asked them to do, but no I don't have a poor attitude I don't think.

I think that's fine.

Is there any chance of the second job becoming permanent/full-time and you being able to leave the first one?

Original poster
Kandymuse70 · 15/12/2020 11:37

Thanks, it could be yes, I will see what they say, who knows.

OP posts:
MrsToothyBitch · 15/12/2020 11:47

Use it as the springboard for change. Jealousy can be really destructive but channelled correctly it can help you make positive changes. The main thing is that you've identified it and you're trying not to let it consume you. As pp said, it's more about you than her.

I've really struggled with a colleague. The first had a picture perfect life - slightly younger than me but just married, nice things in the home that came with husbands big bad military job whilst she worked dolly hours, got pregnant asap. I'd still fairly recently walked away from a lovely bloke and the career I thought I'd wanted. I'd actually done the right thing but I was on my uppers, back at home, in a low paid job and pretty miserable about it. I didn't want any of the actual "things" this woman had- but I wanted her certainty, her stability and security, the milestones I was desperate for that she was ticking off with such ease - when they felt so out of reach for me. She made me feel so awful about myself despite being utterly lovely!

We're mates now and she spurred me on to start pulling myself together. But initially I had to force myself to be nice, see the good in her and find common ground to work with. I set myself goals and worked towards them, just focusing on myself. It also helped me to remember there was stuff about me/my life that she wanted/expressed envy for occasionally and to focus on things of hers that I didn't want/ the concept rather than the reality. I wanted a baby- but not at her age, I wanted a partner- but her husband was not at all my cup of tea etc.

Biscuitsdisappear · 15/12/2020 11:54

Did you ask for feedback after the interview? It may throw some light on why you didn't get the job.

Moondust001 · 15/12/2020 11:56

@VainAbigail

Ended up telling them to just deal with it as it's just one day and not the end of world

Perhaps the school can see this is your attitude at times and that’s why you didn’t get the job.

That is exactly what I thought! To be honest OP, your explanation doesn't do you any more credit either. The fact that you explain your poor attitude by blaming your students (implying they deserved it) seems to suggest a pattern of behaviour. You seem to resent people not recognising your qualities. Perhaps they have?
TillyTopper · 15/12/2020 11:59

Don't dwell on it - but do use the feedback to get where you want to next time! What else do you need to do or get in order to get the role you want? Don't make it about the woman that got the role, make it about you getting where you need to be. Good luck!

Original poster
Kandymuse70 · 15/12/2020 11:59

I didn't blame the students. I think you're blowing it out of proportion a bit I told them she's only off one day it's not the end of the world. It's not something to 'deserve' it's my response to a rude attitude from them.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/12/2020 12:02

Hopefully the second job works out and moves you from that environment because I think you know it's a bit unhealthy to be that fixated on her.

AcornAutumn · 15/12/2020 12:03

It’s quite possible they wanted an external candidate full stop. They should at least hint that so people don’t waste their time.

Bumpsadaisie · 15/12/2020 12:09

Yes - you're envious! It is a normal feeling, there is nothing wrong with feeling it as it is part of life.

Envy is very destructive as it means you rubbish all the good things you do actually still have.

The best antidote to envy is try to count your blessings. When you feel a particular envious loathing for this woman get a bit of paper and write down all your blessings and try to really hold on to the value of them.

You should feel a bit better.

queenofknives · 15/12/2020 12:12

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's understandable to feel jealous when someone else gets what you wanted and felt you deserved. It sounds like she's good at her job so at least you can reflect that the decision was probably a positive one about her, rather than a negative one about you.

As far as the students go, I'd totally brush their behaviour off as just childish nonsense. If students like the teacher, they often are a bit disconcerted by having a cover person - but again, that's not a negative reflection on you but a positive reflection on her (and a reflection of the students' immaturity.)

It's tough to go through any kind of rejection and it makes you more sensitive, but try to focus on your own positive qualities, character and skills. What do you contribute that others don't or can't? What is it that makes you good at your job? I would focus on those things, and on improving my self-confidence. Comparisons are always hard but the best way to deal with this is to stop comparing yourself with others, and instead compare yourself to who you were in the past, and who you want to be in the future. Focus on yourself. Good luck with it all.

immortalstone · 15/12/2020 12:12

Its completely normal to think like this. It really is. It will take time for the feelings to fade.

Did you ask for feedback from the interview as to why you never got the job? That will give you something positive to work on to develop yourself professionally.

MorganKitten · 15/12/2020 12:13

@Kandymuse70

I didn't blame the students. I think you're blowing it out of proportion a bit I told them she's only off one day it's not the end of the world. It's not something to 'deserve' it's my response to a rude attitude from them.
Maybe take in to account the year children have had. So after months of uncertainty they’ve bonded with a teacher. You didn’t need to be rude to them.
GingersHaveSoulsToo · 15/12/2020 12:13

Sometimes you get 2 candidates and they are both equally good as individuals but A is earlier in career than B, so you take B as you are getting 'A' with additional experience. There is nothing that A can do to compensate for this as they are fantastic as they are. You need to then communicate to A that it isn't anything they could have done better as such, it is simply someone with additional experience.

Try not to compare yourself as lesser some how, as it is often just not the case. Professional experience is a journey and people are naturally at different points in their career. Sometimes by the time A gets to the point that B is at they might have achieved more! They are certainly not lesser.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/12/2020 12:15

Your constant dismissal of the PPs who are pulling you up on your attitude to the children in that class is indicative of why there might be a problem here, OP.

You were unprofessional. A class full of kids is going to be disappointed not to see their regular teacher; that's only natural. Teachers build up a rapport with their classes. A bit of huffing and puffing isn't outright rudeness: it's pretty normal in the circumstances, but even if they were overtly rude you were the on with the position of responsibility here. It wasn't appropriate for you to respond in that way.

You now can't see why there's a problem in that manner of response, are shunting the responsibility for that onto a class full of schoolkids, and are dismissing others who are pointing out that this is less than an ideal way to behave.

It takes strength of character to look introspectively and examine our own behaviour. Rather than a (quite understandable) jealousy of your colleague, which is going to get you nowhere but conversely is already having a negative impact on your own professionalism, it would be more productive to ask yourself how you can pick yourself up, go on and do better.

The above isn't intended as a rebuke but an honest, dispassionate response. I wish you better things in the future and believe this is a good way to start going about achieving them. Wishing you the best of luck Flowers

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/12/2020 12:16

PS. I've experienced a couple of career setbacks in the last year too, so I know what I'm talking about here!

Winniewonka · 15/12/2020 12:17

It's human nature to feel hurt and disappointment at not receiving the position you had been covering. I don't know if it's the same in educational interviews but I was given a really good piece of advice when working in local government and applying for an internal post.
You have to approach the interview as a complete outsider, never assume just because you're in post that the interviewers know what your skills and strengths are. Too many people think "Oh well, they know me anyway"
Local Authority posts are scored by point system so the more key words etc you mention, the higher you score and it's the candidate with the highest score that gets the job. I have seen this happen many times.
Good luck and hope everything works out well for you in the future.