Jealous of a colleague

[Kandymuse70]

I know it's a horrible emotion and irrational, not here for people to have a go.
I work at a school, I was doing the role she now does as a maternity cover, and then a permanent role was advertised.
I applied as an internal candidate, but she was given the job as an external.
It's my own problem, I just feel resent that I was already doing that role myself yet they didn't deem me good enough to do it permanently.
Anyway, I guess I am jealous, I have another role now but on a much lower salary. I always see her walking round in expensive-looking clothes and she seems to have made a lot of friends at the school.
I covered one class of hers and when the kids came in they didn't even say hi or anything, just asking why she's not in and looking annoyed. Ended up telling them to just deal with it as it's just one day and not the end of world.
It's wrong to compare myself and all I can do is better myself. I have taken on a second job which will give me a much more comfortable salary.
I just need to focus on myself, I recognise this is irrational.
She has never been rude to me or anything though once she seemed to give me an order.
Any advice would be appreciated. Have others felt this way ?

You need to focus on yourself, your development and what you want to do in the future and not you colleague.
What I would advise you do is to reflect on why you didn’t get the job, get feedback, looks at gaps in your knowledge and behaviours. And then take steps to address it.
I get quite frustrated when someone posts on here about not getting a job and lots of the posts are about favouritism or how you were robbed. As a hiring manager quite often the perspective is that the colleague has a clouded view of their own skills and a lack of awareness of how they are actually performed in the interview. Often if internal they can feel entitled to the role. I’m not saying this is the case in your place but it could be. And if it is you’ll need to address it before you’re able to progress. Again it’s probably not relevant in your case but clearly I needed to vent!

People on here are so self-righteous. I wonder how they'd feel if the tables were turned and it was their job that went to someone else!

It happens a lot! I've had it happen to me a couple of times and i've been in the position where I'm the person recruiting. Yes it is disappointing but how you deal with it is key.
Learn form the experience rather than get bitter!

I mean, if she's the kind of teacher that kids miss when she's off, I'd say she's probably pretty good at her job, and if she's made a lot of friends, then maybe her face just fits better. Not saying that to be horrible, it just sounds like she was the better candidate. I think it'd be a lot worse if they turned you down for the role and then put someone terrible in place.

I wouldn't compare lifestyle by things like designer clothes. A friend of mine wears loads of designer labels, always looks beautiful, but earns minimum wage. She is amazing at charity shopping and buying and selling stuff on eBay, plus does her own hair and manicures. I'm jealous of her ability to look bloody amazing all the time!

It's good that you recognise that this is irrational. She hasn't done anything to you - she just applied for a job and she got it.

So, for your own mental health, you need to try and move past this. I know how it feels - I had a colleague promoted above me and was very upset as I was more qualified than her. But ultimately these things happen. If you keep working hard you will get your shot. Don't let it put you off or make you resentful.

If you really want to get over this, why not try to befriend her - it sounds like people like her and she is probably a really nice person!

Also please don't judge her by her clothes. You have no idea why she is wearing expensive-looking clothes.

If your a cover supervisor, unfortunately this reaction if quite normal.

Students tend to want their usual teacher who they feel most comfortable with, the more quiet kids don’t like it as the class is often much louder with a cover and the teacher usually sets more boring textbook work.

I wouldn’t take it personally

@SueEllenMishke

Learn form the experience rather than get bitter!

But you can only learn effectively from an experience after owning your feelings and processing them. However people may cloak it, situations like this do feel personal to the recipient, because they ARE personal. Some people need to feel angry/jealous/bitter before they can move on. And whilst you may have found your experience of professional rejection merely "disappointing," to someone else it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

@VainAbigail

Ended up telling them to just deal with it as it's just one day and not the end of world

Perhaps the school can see this is your attitude at times and that’s why you didn’t get the job.

My thoughts entirely.

Another tip is to simply ask for some feedback on why you were not offered the job. See it as an opportunity for development. Find out what the employer feels are your strenghts and weaknesses, and if there are ways they can support you to improve.

It's frustrating as fuck when you're pipped to the post, especially if you've been doing the bloody job initially. Anyone in this position feels pissed off, and quite rightly so.

Yes, they do. I don't think anyone has said this isn't natural or entirely understandable. But whilst your own righteous indignation is doubtless very comforting to the one in that position (not forgetting it's one most people have been in), unfortunately it's hardly helpful to the OP. What's the better way to react to these situations? Wallowing in bitter jealousy and feeling constantly sold short, or reflecting on ourselves - even if that's hard - and finding some way to move on more positively?

And it's your career, so it's not just business, it's PERSONAL!!! It's a competition.

And unfortunately on this occasion it's a competition that's been lost. We have all lost at some time or another. I have a good track record at capturing research funding. This year I failed to secure a grant for a project I passionately believed in, and it stung. What should I do?, revel in bitterness over projects I see as less original and valuable, which did secure the funding I wanted, or dust myself off and try creating new opportunities elsewhere? Turning up at a teaching session and taking it out on my students would not be a good look, no matter how shit I might personally be feeling. It's impossible to win them all.

Bollocks to everyone who says it's your chance to develop, mature, grow and you should take constructive criticism blah blah blah..

But it is. And the bad news is it's a lesson we are likely to relearn on several occasions as we go through life. Everyone has to grow up sooner or later. Have a nice day yourself.

I just feel resent that I was already doing that role myself yet they didn't deem me good enough to do it permanently.

Do the maths, OP. Say I advertise a job and 50 people apply. In some cases it might be fewer, in others that's a very conservative estimate. Of those 50 I interview 5. I can pretty much guarantee that of the 45 I knock back, some of those will have been more than capable of doing the job very well. So the 5 I interview will just have had stronger applications - and I've only got the applications to go on, so I can't tell at that point if it's the application that's stronger, or the candidate.

Of the 5 I interview, if I've drawn up a good JD and they've been honest in their responses, chances are all 5 can do the job. I am therefore looking for the best fit for the role and organisation. It might be that someone would be brilliant but specialises in 19th century German history and I already have someone good at that so go for someone who specialises in Russian history because I have a gap there. Or it might be someone has knowledge of some software that none of my other staff have. I've even known it come down to postcode and the difficulties of commuting.

Almost everybody with experience in the job market will have been turned down for a job that they could have done and might even have been brilliant at. It feels personal and it can be personal - I know I've been sidelined as a middle-aged woman and that really stings. But you will not be the only person this has happened to.

So apply for other jobs, Get feedback. Try to improve yourself, your applications and your interview technique. And try to get satisfaction in other areas of your life that aren't work, because ultimately it can be very unrewarding.

OP this hurts. I have been there.

I think your emotions are misplaced though - your colleague got the job, but she didn't make the decision.

It's galling that someone is given a job that YOU have been doing.

There could be any number of reasons - they wanted to get 'new blood'; she's done something recently that the appointing panel liked the sound of, maybe she performed REALLY well in the interview. You can't know, and probably no-one will ever really tell you. Be prepared for a vague 'she had more experience' or whatever at best.

So think about whether senior management at your school is investing in you. Don't wait passively for another opportunity. Is someone actively helping you with your development? Have you asked for this? Despite her appointment, do you feel that there is 'somewhere for you to go' in the school in future?

If so, you can nurture that and work towards it.

If not, then you have to make peace with the fact that for whatever reason, there may not be career progression there for you. So you decide to plod along for a bit, or look elsewhere. They're your only two decisions.

I think that the behaviour of her class is a red herring. They were off with you. You were maybe a bit prickly with them. It's no more than that.

You can acknowledge how you feel, but to really understand it, try to get to the bottom of where the senior management see you in future. That will help you know what to do next.

[quote Ori3]@SueEllenMishke

Learn form the experience rather than get bitter!

But you can only learn effectively from an experience after owning your feelings and processing them. However people may cloak it, situations like this do feel personal to the recipient, because they ARE personal. Some people need to feel angry/jealous/bitter before they can move on. And whilst you may have found your experience of professional rejection merely "disappointing," to someone else it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.[/quote]
It is absolutely understandable that someone will feel upset, disappointed etc and will need time to process their feelings BUT you should remain professional in the workplace. As I've already said, how you deal with this situation will tell your employer an awful lot about you as a person and a professional. I've always been impressed by people who handled rejection well and have remembered that further down the line.

This has happened to me personally and on occasion i have felt 'robbed' but I remained professional and did what I could to learn from the experience. On one occasion that meant finding a job elsewhere.
As a careers adviser I worked with people in this situation and coached them through it. There is nothing to be gained from jealousy or bitterness.

I think some people have been a bit harsh here. The OP says they were already doing the job and somebody external secured the permanent position. Even setting aside some of the comments on here about WHY that may have been (which could be totally legitimate reasons), that's still got to hurt!!! If it's any consolation OP, I've had something similar happen to me. I was asked to pick up a 'few' extra duties for a colleague who'd gone off sick. Turned out to be much much more than a few extra duties, entailing additional hours before and after work and all sorts. I didn't receive any extra pay for this, but accepted it as part of being a team player and because I thought it may strengthen my arm if the position became vacant. Anyway, position did become vacant but somebody else got it over me. Did they make a better appointment by not taking me on? Probably, but walking back into work having people know that I'd been good enough to cover that job unpaid, but then not good enough to do that same job when it was a properly paid position... Well, it just felt really, really humiliating and am not ashamed to tell you that I allowed that crushing disappointment to knock me and affect my performance in work. The only thing I can advise is to get proper feedback from interviewers, take on board the things you can work on, and quietly formulate yourself a plan for going forward with an objective to achieve at the end of it. Hold your chin up and smile sweetly at everyone whilst plotting your escape!!! Xx

We've all been there OP

The first time I felt like this, we actually both got the job - they recruited both of us. But she was the favourite, could do no wrong, all the customers sent her thank you cards but I never got any despite doing just as well. She always acted like she was my superior too.

Then colleague was off for ages and no one told me why (I guess maybe they picked up that I didn't like her much). She came back to work and I asked her politely how she was feeling. Turns out her DH had turned around and said he didn't love her anymore and she'd had a bit of a breakdown. I felt really shitty after that. It taught me that you don't have to like someone but you don't know what's going on behind the scenes.

The second time I felt like this, I was joining a team of people. The team were all starting at the same time. I looked up some of the others on LinkedIn and one of them was so well qualified and experienced that I felt intimidated before I'd even met her.

Well she is now my best friend. I love her to bits. She's been there for me through difficult times. Her life is not perfect either. This year in particular has been really shit for her so I've tried to be on the other end of the phone and be a supportive ear.

But you can only learn effectively from an experience after owning your feelings and processing them. However people may cloak it, situations like this do feel personal to the recipient, because they ARE personal. Some people need to feel angry/jealous/bitter before they can move on. And whilst you may have found your experience of professional rejection merely "disappointing," to someone else it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Exactly. It's also much harder when it's somewhere you're still working or have worked at previously. Since it's more personal, especially when you still see the person who was successful. OP's feelings are natural. It's not like she's dwelling on this years down the line or attempting to sabbotage this other woman. She just feels jealous as it's still raw.

Are you also this poster?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4103959-What-do-you-think-of-these-school-situations

@iwillneverbesatisfied that was a really heartwarming post

See, OP, lots of people have been there. Allow yourself a short pity party, brush yourself off and carry on. Your opportunity is out there x

Envy and jealousy are a natural part of being a human, don't feel bad about that.

The question is more - does it lead to destruction or transformation?

I've been there OP and it really hurts, dont blame you for being jealous. Its only natural. In the end I was so upset about getting my job I left the organisation and got a job elsewhere and eventually began retraining into a different career. I'm so thankful now that I never got that job as I wouldnt be doing what I'm doing now.

I still remember crying about not getting that job too and cannot imagine being stuck in that role now.

Try not to take it personally and move on from it.

I have also been in a similar position and it’s hard.

If the pupils are so disgruntled that she is not there for a form period, that would suggest she has already built up a good relationship with the class. Maybe she was the right person for the job.

I’m a teacher too and there are so many fantastic teachers in the profession who are better than me in many aspects of the job. Maybe she is a super duper popular person with the pupils and the staff and you were unlucky she went for the job as you could not compete.

I went for a job (advisory) and I thought I stood a good chance, especially when I heard only three people were shortlisted. When I walked in and met the other candidates, my heart sank as I knew both of them and knew they would both get it above me as they were brilliant. (I didn’t get it.)

Oh OP, jealousy is a bugger isnt it. You can't help feeling like that. I have found the only way to deal with jealousy is to keep away from that person as much as is possible and also to do some stuff to make yourself feel good.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel the way that you do. It sucks when that happens, even though of course it isn’t the successful applicant’s fault. At least it wasn’t the situation where the job you were covering for some time was given to an external candidate - and then then management has the brass neck to ask you to teach them the job! Hands up all those this has happened to! 🤚

Oh @walkingthedog46 this happened to me!!!! So insensitive! X

@Walkingthedog46

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel the way that you do. It sucks when that happens, even though of course it isn’t the successful applicant’s fault. At least it wasn’t the situation where the job you were covering for some time was given to an external candidate - and then then management has the brass neck to ask you to teach them the job! Hands up all those this has happened to! 🤚

yep!!

It’s a crappy situation and I sympathise as I’ve been there before. Looking back I can recognise that I was complacent in the interview because of having done the role prior and knowing the panel - who encouraged me to apply! Obviously they wouldn’t have done that if they thought me incapable, but I understand that I didn’t do enough to convince the external on the panel in my answers.

It’s a valuable lesson to learn, but you need to move forward from this and focus on your own career. Sometimes it’s easier to blame someone else than acknowledge your own errors, but don’t be too hard on yourself either. Best of luck!