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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I choose between which child I spend Xmas with 😭

56 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 14/12/2020 20:19

Back story

  • I have a DS who is 13 and DD7 with ex partner. ( not able to have them )

I have a baby in nicu currently who is doing really well and might be home in time for Xmas.

DD7 has Complex health needs including heart transplant patient.
She has been admitted over night with a blood stream infection, and now requires 2 weeks of IV antibiotics and will not be home for Xmas ( she is stable )

Now visiting rules are that 1 parent can visit / stay. No siblings or other family.

Now obviously I am going to spend Xmas with DD and newborn won’t know any different but I feel awful on DS who will now just be spending Xmas at home with my now partner ( not his dad ) and new little sister ( is she gets home )

I’m heart broken.

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 14/12/2020 20:24

What sort of relationship do your ds and your dp have?

If it's a good one, it will be okay. Does he have some presents lined up that will occupy him?

I'm sure that you'll be able to Facetime a couple of times.

Sounds really tough Xmas in a time of Covid or not, enlist all the help you can from family and friends to sent pressies for ds, phone him etc.

DaenarysStormborn · 14/12/2020 20:26

That's disgusting in terms of the rules. What a ridiculously hard choice. Have you got any extended family who can spend Christmas with your DS and your partner?

Honeyroar · 14/12/2020 20:30

Could you do it so you wake up early with DS and unwrap presents then go to hospital later and for the night. And have a special Xmas eve meal instead that will leave enough left overs for your son and partner to have another plate later. And FaceTime loads.

ScrapThatThen · 14/12/2020 21:08

You need to be with your newborn as much as possible it's a necessity after the disruption to attachment of being in NICU. Talk to your NICU doctors and your daughters team.

LikeAGlove · 14/12/2020 21:11

It is shit OP. But I think, so long as your DS gets on with partner okay, it's best that you're with your daughter.

Whilst it's of course shit for everyone, it would be worse for her to spend it alone at hospital, at least DS is at home.

Does he have grandparents who could go round and visit too?

OudRose · 14/12/2020 21:17

Is there no discretion for your circumstances OP?

I think your DS will be fine (but understand you feel awful), but think DD and newborn both need you.

I'm sorry OP, I hope you have someone looking after you too.

Popcorninmymouth · 14/12/2020 21:17

I would do as you are doing. Get up early and spend time with your son. Go to the hospital from about 10/11 until 5/6. Come home and spend the evening with your son. Hope you all have a happy Christmas!

Yeahnahmum · 14/12/2020 21:20

Spend the night / evening with ds

Or zoom him. If your bond is secure he will get it as he is 13

NewYearNewPlumbing · 14/12/2020 21:23

Can your Ds go to your Sister’s?

YukoandHiro · 14/12/2020 21:24

No advice but you poor thing - two children in tough medical situations is not easy. Do you have anyone supporting you right now?

Cannotcope4223 · 14/12/2020 21:25

God love you. Newborn won’t know any different for one day so I’d opt for waking up at the very least with DD, then having her dad spent the night & evening with her. She’s missing out on a ‘Santa’ christmas and will presume DS13 doesnt believe. Great suggestion from a pp about having a special dinner xmas eve with a plate of leftovers for the next day.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/12/2020 21:31

It's shit but I don't see any other way you can do it. Does your ds have a good relationship with your dp? I assume dp will do his best to make it is good day for him.

lanthanum · 14/12/2020 21:32

How horrendous.

Does DS get on with DP? Perhaps involve DS in planning what they do for their boys-only Christmas - what food they have, movies to watch, etc. Do the turkey and another round of crackers when everyone is home later. At that age, I quite enjoyed helping wrap/stuff my younger siblings' stockings, so maybe he could get involved that way too.

Obviously talk to the NICU about what happens if the baby is well enough to be discharged - there might be some advantage to her staying in if you're going to be at the hospital most of the time. They'll have to work out what's best, including all the infection risk aspects.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/12/2020 21:36

Can you too and fro between hospital and home? If so, id do chunks of time across the day.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/12/2020 21:37

If baby is discharged they can stay home with their dad and big brother.

DianaT1969 · 14/12/2020 21:49

How far is the hospital? Won't you be gone for just a few hours on Christmas Day? Morning with your baby and son and afternoon with DD? I'm sure the staff will make some effort to make the morning special, if they can. She will hopefully have other children in there to keep her company. Can you leave her an iPad to zoom with you all?
Sorry that you're going through such a rough time.

Zilla1 · 14/12/2020 21:50

I hope things go well, OP. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Hopefully your now larger family will look back at what you all survived when all your DC are healthy adults.

Good luck.

MinnieJackson · 14/12/2020 21:51

Jesus that's awful. I'm so so sorry for you. As pp said, is your ds close to your dp? I think you'd have to spend it with your 7 year old really but would it be overnight? Maybe when she falls asleep you could go home and let ds stay up a bit later and have some pudding? Xx

Zilla1 · 14/12/2020 21:51

What would your ideal be, OP, and could you phone the ward sister or matron where your DD is next week in advance to see how achievable that is if it's to have your DS attend the hospital with you to see DD7?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 14/12/2020 21:54

One of my dc was in /out of hospital for 10 months as a newborn . I had other dc at home including a year old toddler.. Not over Xmas but still split in two. I focused on the dc in hospital as their need to have me close was greater. He is 19 now and no dc were harmed by my decision.. At 13 your ds should understand...

Elfieishere · 14/12/2020 21:55

Does dd get on with your DP ?

Why can’t your ex see his DD Xmas day?

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2020 21:58

How sad for you all to be in this position. Can your DP not spend some time at the hospital with your DD so you can spend some time with your DS? Do you have any other family where your DS can be? What a shit year you’re having xx

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 14/12/2020 22:00

I was the same age when my sibling was born. Was in NICU over christmas too. We opened presents in the morning then our DM went to the hospital and we stayed with our uncle watching rubbish Christmas TV and eating loads of junk.

Our DM was more upset than us and we were old enough to understand and apart from this thread, I rarely remember it. Certainly not sad. Give yourself a break OP. Its tough. Hope your DC are ok.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 14/12/2020 22:02

IV antibiotics can be administered at home in some circumstances. It might be worth asking if this happens in your area and if DD is suitable

FortunesFave · 14/12/2020 22:03

OP is your partner and your son close at all? It could be a really bonding experience for them.