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Original poster

How do I choose between which child I spend Xmas with 😭

56 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 14/12/2020 20:19

Back story

  • I have a DS who is 13 and DD7 with ex partner. ( not able to have them )

I have a baby in nicu currently who is doing really well and might be home in time for Xmas.

DD7 has Complex health needs including heart transplant patient.
She has been admitted over night with a blood stream infection, and now requires 2 weeks of IV antibiotics and will not be home for Xmas ( she is stable )

Now visiting rules are that 1 parent can visit / stay. No siblings or other family.

Now obviously I am going to spend Xmas with DD and newborn won’t know any different but I feel awful on DS who will now just be spending Xmas at home with my now partner ( not his dad ) and new little sister ( is she gets home )

I’m heart broken.

OP posts:
Pommes · 14/12/2020 22:03

Woah, OP, that's a huge amount you've got on - and just after having a baby.

No suggestions, just much empathy. X

compulsiveliar2019 · 14/12/2020 22:11

No advise but coming on to wish you and your family well. I hope both your daughters get well and home soon. Look after yourself too OP. I hope you manage to have as happy a Christmas as possible under the circumstances.

Perhaps you can have a second Christmas Day once you are all back home.

ancientgran · 14/12/2020 22:12

Is there any possibility of having DD home for a few hours on Christmas Day. Not sure if it is the same but when my DD was in hospital on IV antibiotics they let me take her out between her morning and afternoon bag. A few hours would make a big difference.

It is so hard for you, glad to hear baby is doing well and hope your DD is home soon.

compulsiveliar2019 · 14/12/2020 22:13

If DD is stable enough on Christmas Day perhaps they may be able to give her a few hours off her IV meds and be able to be released home for a few hours? Or even a short walk with her brother outside in the hospital grounds?

KeeefBurtain · 14/12/2020 22:31

Can you have Christmas Day with DS on Christmas Eve instead? Then spend Christmas Day with dd in hospital

Schehezarade · 14/12/2020 22:38

Maybe postpone a Xmas or NY celebration til you are all together, or promise DS a second celebration when you will be there too.

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/12/2020 22:39

Aren’t you the one who found out you were pregnant really late? Congratulations on the baby’s arrival 💐.

I’d find the ward sister to ask if they can compromise on the newborn especially as the newborn would have only just come out of hospital. Is your daughter able to taken to meet the baby? Instead of a big Christmas day how about breaking it up? So maybe an early xmas with the 13 year old, all the fun food he likes for xmas day.

I really hope everything works out for you.

SoftSheen · 14/12/2020 22:43

You poor thing, what an incredibly difficult situation Flowers

Firstly, I would talk to the hospital to make them aware of your exceptional situation, since they may be able to exercise some discretion on compassionate grounds.

If this isn't possible, I think you might just need to split your day between your daughter and your son. Hopefully they are both old enough to understand.

TheChosenTwo · 14/12/2020 22:45

Could you have an early Christmas Day with ds where he gets to open his presents from you, maybe on Christmas Eve?
This is a really tough time of year with a lot of guilt as it is, it’s just one day but at the same time it’s a big day for children.
How long until you’ll find out if baby dd will be home for Christmas? And what’s the relationship like between your ds and dp?

bluebirdsong · 14/12/2020 22:51

Please speak to the ward manager to see if there is any possibility of community nurses doing the IVAB’s at home or having some kind of visiting on Christmas Day.
Exceptions to the rules are often made in circumstances like this.

Labobo · 14/12/2020 23:05

He's 13. He'll stay up late. Spend the day with DD and baby in hospital. Go home in the evening when she will be tired, and spend the evening with him. Plan with him some fun things to do - games or watching a movie he really wants to see. If you do stockings, suggest he opens his on Christmas Eve when you are there.

Labobo · 14/12/2020 23:06

Meant to add - you poor thing. I would feel awful having to choose. And the stress of having two children is hospital must be horrible. Look after yourself physically, as best you can.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/12/2020 23:10

That is so difficult OP. As others have said, talk to the hospital to see of there is another solution.

Serin · 14/12/2020 23:19

My thoughts and good wishes go out to you all. Just get through it as best you can lovely. Talk to your DS, I'm sure he will understand, maybe he and DP can get a new xbox game and do a bit of bonding?

StatisticalSense · 14/12/2020 23:27

Honestly I think a lot of this comes down to knowing your children but I wouldn't default to prioritising DD just because she is in hospital. For a lot of teenagers the key would be finding a way to spend at least a couple of hours at home in the middle of the day as they'll happily stay in bed until late and will have friends to game with online in the evening so it is just the middle part of the day that they actually want to spend with family.

Christmasfairy2020 · 14/12/2020 23:30

Hospital will.let 7 year old home for lunch xx

ClaireP20 · 14/12/2020 23:59

The 7 year old. Otherwise he'll be without his mum. That's very sad.

Can't your 'partner' spend time with the 13 year old so you can be with your 7 year old?

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 15/12/2020 00:02

Sorry I was settling daughter, my issue is daughter is so anxious I tend to stay with her. It’s so hard baby is doing really really well and they are hoping discharge will be next week hopefully.
I will try work it out the 3 house rule makes it hard to send ds anywhere as the family and I had already agreed who was where and we were all staying at home
So parents house is already not 3 households with siblings and their kids but I am going to ring them tomorrow and see what they are saying.

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 15/12/2020 00:50

Are you absolutely sure DD will not be home for Christmas? A friend who needed IV antibiotics because of sepsis, was allowed home once no longer seriously ill - district nurse visited for last 4/5 days to administer. Of course may be different with a child with complex health problems.

Talk to the healthcare team at the hospital.

JoyousSealion · 15/12/2020 01:48

Have I missed something... Why can't you spend half the day at the hospital with your DD and half the day at home with your Son?

MinnieJackson · 15/12/2020 03:16

Maybe because her daughter has blood poisoning? @JoyousSealion what would you do? Not snarky comment, just honestly asking what you would do?
I can't imagine what OP is going through

JoyousSealion · 15/12/2020 04:02

@MinnieJackson

Maybe because her daughter has blood poisoning? *@JoyousSealion* what would you do? Not snarky comment, just honestly asking what you would do? I can't imagine what OP is going through
I didn't mean to sound heartless, I genuinely was asking if I missed something, I thought I was being slow. OP is heartbroken that they have to choose between their children so I was asking whether there was a reason that they couldn't split their time.

As for your q of what would I do: If it was absolutely impossible for DD to have some leave home during the day in between antibiotic doses, I would spend morning and half the afternoon with DD (and hope that I could bring NICU baby to DD's bedside), and then go home for late afternoon / evening (incl. xmas dinner) with DS and DP, maybe going back to DD/Baby for an hour in the evening. Or, I'd spend morning with DD/Baby, go home for the afternoon incl. meal time with DS and DP, then evening back at the hospital with DD/Baby, taking some of Xmas meal if DD fancied it. It seems fair (well, not fair - none of this situation is fair! but ygwim) to spend time with everyone in roughly equal measure - that seems to be what OP wanted too, given that they said they didn't want to have to choose either child. I think I'd spend every single other day of DD's hosp admission dividing time between NICU baby and DD's bedside, making sure I was there for the whole day and evening ensuring that I was there for her supporting her, but unfortunately would have to choose to spend a few hours at least with my DS and DP on Xmas day. That's why I was asking whether I'd missed something that meant this wasn't possible.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/12/2020 07:23

You say that your ex cant have the children where he is, but if he has a good relationship with your DC, could he do half the day with his dd? So you do the morning, then he does the afternoon with her?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 15/12/2020 07:33

That sounds tough but I imagine you're feeling it more than your son might. 13 year olds generally like to spend time by themselves doing as little as possible in my experience so he probably doesn't care as much about the day as you do. Let him and your DP plan a lazy day, bacon sandwiches for brunch etc. If the new baby is home DP will want an easy option too.

drspouse · 15/12/2020 07:46

I don't think people get that she can't leave the 7 year old except to go to the loo/canteen/meet DP in car park for clean clothes.
I would ask about a break at home between IV doses.