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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex keeping my daughter from 23-25th without my permission

59 replies

Givemeabreakpls · 14/12/2020 20:03

Posting for traffic. My ex is due to have our daughter overnight on Wednesday 23rd December, returning her at 9am the next day. He was then due to have her Christmas Eve afternoon until lunchtime Christmas Day as per our parenting agreement. He lives about 3 miles away so travelling isn’t an issue. I have found out by accident that he has no intention of bringing her home on Christmas Eve, but instead is on Wednesday taking her to visit family in a different county and tier (and definitely breaking COVID guidelines of three households in the process). He would only drop her home on Christmas Day. I have told him I don’t agree but he’s saying he will do it anyway. AIBU to be furious? It’s only an informal arrangement, not a court ordered one, but I will be looking to have it through the courts ASAP. Is there anything else I can do to stop him? So as not to drip feed, dd is nearly 8 and actually wants to come home on Christmas Eve. His family are not willing to travel to him as they wish to mix with other family in their home town.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 20:04

Don't let him take her on the 23rd in that case
Have you got any of this in writing?

LuckyNumberThirteen · 14/12/2020 20:04

Don't drop her over on the 23rd?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 20:05

Oh hang on I've just read properly, I thought he was going to keep her for Christmas without agreement but he's planning to return her at the agreed time on Christmas Day. I'd let it go if I were you tbh

Ratbagcatbag · 14/12/2020 20:06

So your daughter would come to you at 9am on Xmas eve and then go back to her dads later that day? I can see why he would just keep her longer. That said he should be discussing it with you. Rather than just making the decision.
The only way to stop it would be to not let her go on the 23rd and keep her yourself until either Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day if you don't think he would return her to get you back.

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 14/12/2020 20:07

@CodenameVillanelle this is all on email so yes I’m covered there.

@LuckyNumberThirteen I did consider not letting her go on the Wednesday but would that count against me if I took the agreement to court? I feel like he could say I was as bad as him if I refuse access?

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 14/12/2020 20:07

So she was due to be returned 9am on 24th, then back to him in the afternoon of 24th?
And he wants to keep her for that inbetween time?
Sounds perfectly sensible to me in a normal world (covid issues aside).

mooncakes · 14/12/2020 20:09

This seems really petty for the sake of a few hours Christmas Eve morning?

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 14/12/2020 20:10

I probably should let it go but he is so unreasonable he’s never do the same god me, and my daughter actually does want to come home. I have no issue with access but to have our wishes and the agreement completely dismissed out of hand because his family don’t want to travel is really getting to me.

OP posts:

FourPlatinumRings · 14/12/2020 20:10

Could you arrange it so he just brings her back late Christmas Eve, so he gets her for. the in-between time on Christmas Eve but you get her all Christmas Day?

Trumplosttheelection · 14/12/2020 20:11

I don't think it's great he's breaching covid and being a pain but frankly the bring her back then collect her again thing is ridiculous. I'm guessing Wednesday is his usual night?

Augustbreeze · 14/12/2020 20:11

Is there a specific reason she wants to come back for those few hours OP? Do you usually do such short periods at one house or the other? I live 3 miles from my ex and we have sometimes done things like this for specific reasons to suit the children. By agreement.

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 14/12/2020 20:11

But actually reading your responses from a much calmer perspective if giving me pause for thought, so thank you for that. I suspect I’m overreacting; he’s just such an arrogant tosser I saw red.

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 14/12/2020 20:12

You have her for the majority of the time and he wants her to visit his family. Grandparents? Aunt/uncle? I think you should accept that. She was going to be at yours for a few hours on the 24th at lunchtime only. Pick your battles OP. Your daughter getting to see her extended family isn't a bad thing for her.
The Covid bubble is a red herring, because you don't know how many people he is associating with. He could be in mates' houses every eve.

birdling · 14/12/2020 20:12

The original arrangement sounds a bit..... silly? I think his new arrangement makes much more sense.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/12/2020 20:12

I don't think his approach is great, but I can totally see the logic in what he wants to do. Given the Christmas relaxation of rules, he's not doing anything wrong in that sense either.

I'd counter offer keeping her all day Christmas Eve and returning her that night...

NailsNeedDoing · 14/12/2020 20:12

If he’s due to have her he doesn’t need your permission. Either to have her or to take her where he wants. You would be very unreasonable to stop your child and her father for seeing each other for Christmas for the sake of a few hours, when him keeping her makes complete sense.

Your dd is allowed to be considered as part of her fathers normal bubble.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/12/2020 20:13

I guess it's just the way that Christmas falls that makes this an issue, so that's another reason to let it go.

Herdwick · 14/12/2020 20:14

If he's trying to piss you off it's worked hasn't it.

I'd suddenly find something wonderful to do with that time on Christmas Eve, and formally discuss changing the agreement next year as it sounds a bit shit for your DD going backwards and forward all day Christmas Eve.

Isthatitnow · 14/12/2020 20:16

I think you need to think about how it feels to be 8 years old and backwards and forwards like a yo-yo. If he is happy to bring her back on the 25th then I would let it go. Wish her a Merry Christmas when she goes and tell her you'll see her very soon - you need to show no emotion other than happy she is off to have a lovely time with dad. She really is too young to have a say in this.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/12/2020 20:17

Why would he bring her back at 9am on the 24th then pick her back up again in the afternoon.
That's a lot of messing about.

Augustbreeze · 14/12/2020 20:19

If he's controlling I appreciate it'll be the way he's done it that's the issue. They often pick something which will make it look like you're the unreasonable one to everyone else....

GreenClock · 14/12/2020 20:22

Pre covid I would say this is sensible (bringing her home for a few hours on Christmas Eve seems pointless) but it is silly to be be travelling betwwen counties/tiers unless essential.

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 14/12/2020 20:23

@Augustbreeze that’s it exactly! I feel completely on the back foot. But yes I agree with all the responses saying it’s not a hill to die on, it’s just the way in which had been done and absolutely yes, it’s lit the blue touch paper! I need to be calmer.

OP posts:

Ohdoleavemealone · 14/12/2020 20:54

I would be pissed off at the assumption he could just do this. If you hadn't found out you would be sat around waiting for you.

The plan itself makes more sense than the original plan but I imagine that fact is clouded by his attitude.

Original poster

Givemeabreakpls · 14/12/2020 21:05

@Ohdoleavemealone yes it was just assumed; I actually found out because I asked him if it would be possible to swap so that I could have her overnight on Wednesday to make it simpler for everyone, with me giving up another night instead. Had I not tried to make things easier I wouldn’t have found out until she just didn’t turn up on Christmas Eve. I am so angry I think simply because I am not even an afterthought to him.

OP posts:

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