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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex keeping my daughter from 23-25th without my permission

59 replies

Givemeabreakpls · 14/12/2020 20:03

Posting for traffic. My ex is due to have our daughter overnight on Wednesday 23rd December, returning her at 9am the next day. He was then due to have her Christmas Eve afternoon until lunchtime Christmas Day as per our parenting agreement. He lives about 3 miles away so travelling isn’t an issue. I have found out by accident that he has no intention of bringing her home on Christmas Eve, but instead is on Wednesday taking her to visit family in a different county and tier (and definitely breaking COVID guidelines of three households in the process). He would only drop her home on Christmas Day. I have told him I don’t agree but he’s saying he will do it anyway. AIBU to be furious? It’s only an informal arrangement, not a court ordered one, but I will be looking to have it through the courts ASAP. Is there anything else I can do to stop him? So as not to drip feed, dd is nearly 8 and actually wants to come home on Christmas Eve. His family are not willing to travel to him as they wish to mix with other family in their home town.

OP posts:

SmallLa · 14/12/2020 21:07

I can see where you are coming from its the way it has been done that's the issue, if he had just said to you "wouldn't it make more sense if I just keep her for those few hours save back and forth" you may have had a different reaction.
My understanding of covid restrictions at Christmas are that only three households can meet indoors but you have not to travel from a 2 to 3 tier vis versa etc. so I do see your concern there.

However on this occasion I would let it go, try not to let him see how it angered you as this will only make him smug.
Remember the most important thing is that your DD has a lovely Christmas.

ohwhatamiserableyear · 14/12/2020 21:08

If it's informal and your source is 100% accurate, then I would keep her until the afternoon of the 25th.

Inaseagull · 14/12/2020 21:19

Just tell him, actually, that suits me fine. I was going to cancel plans I had on 24th, but if you have DD, they can go ahead. He won't be happy about that! (but don't do that if he will play tit for tat, thats prob something you don't want to get into).

mummytippy · 14/12/2020 21:21

@ohwhatamiserableyear

If it's informal and your source is 100% accurate, then I would keep her until the afternoon of the 25th.

I agree with @ohwhatamiserableyear

I have a court order in place with my DS and even if that is breached the only way to try to do anything about it is to apply back to the court!

Your Ex is not considering you and isn't thinking of the welfare of your DD. This year is about safeguarding people and not socialising with every single last family member.

Tell him how you feel and why and also that your DD wants to spend Xmas Eve with you. Her wishes and wellbeing should come first.

Lou98 · 14/12/2020 21:22

I completely understand why you're annoyed OP with not being asked or even told before you'd asked but as others have said I don't think it makes much sense to bring her back Christmas Eve morning to then have her again a few hours later and I can understand why he doesn't want to do that aswell.

Would he be willing to compromise and bring her back early Christmas morning (9am say)? That way you get to spend Christmas morning with her and the full day.

For what it's worth though, I don't agree that it should be something you get no say over, in the new year I would definitely consider speaking to a solicitor and getting a custody agreement in writing so everyone knows where they stand next time and you can refuse if it's your day etc

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/12/2020 21:22

[quote Givemeabreakpls]@Ohdoleavemealone yes it was just assumed; I actually found out because I asked him if it would be possible to swap so that I could have her overnight on Wednesday to make it simpler for everyone, with me giving up another night instead. Had I not tried to make things easier I wouldn’t have found out until she just didn’t turn up on Christmas Eve. I am so angry I think simply because I am not even an afterthought to him.[/quote]
If your daughter wants to be home on the 24th during the day as well it sounds like she isn't an after thought to him either.

I would talk to your daughter about what she wants to do and take my lead from there, given that she's 13.

I would be unimpressed about the breaking covid rules, but probably not prepared to make that a deal breaker unless particularly vulnerable for some reason.

liveitwell · 14/12/2020 21:22

YANBU in that he should follow the agreement (if you've both agreed on it, not just you dictating it)

BUT

I was reading it thinking, this doesn't sound like fun for the child. So she has to come back to yours for the morning of 24th, just to go back with him in the afternoon? Whatever for? What a faff and way of disjointing her Xmas.

If you have her boxing day, I think it's fair he has her all of Xmas Eve and Xmas morning.

mummytippy · 14/12/2020 21:25

Also for what it's worth, we usually alternate Christmas.
That was hard at first as my DS had always been with me but I did get used to it. Before that arrangement was in place my ex would pull stunts like yours is planning all the time! Xmas is too special a time (especially while children are still young) to mess things up.

Augustbreeze · 14/12/2020 21:28

To be honest if he's controlling, getting a court order (for future arrangements) will make not a blind bit of difference. It didn't in our case anyway and I think that's common.

How does yr DD feel about being with him?

Viviennemary · 14/12/2020 21:29

It sounds fine to me. Does it really matter. Your DD will be back on Christmas day.

Carcarcarcar · 14/12/2020 21:32

Yabu

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2020 21:47

Having read all your posts, I can see you’ve thought again that perhaps this isn’t the hill to die on. Well done you! I’d reply to him saying you're happy for him to have her from Wednesday night and return her to you at, say, 10am on Christmas morning.That way, you can bank the ‘favour’ for future use!!!
Also, he doesn’t think he’s got one over on you. X

Hahaha88 · 14/12/2020 21:48

It's a dick move especially that he wasn't even going to tell you. But honestly the original arrangement just seems daft and if makes more sense her staying with him until Xmas day. Is this your first Xmas separated?

Looneytune253 · 14/12/2020 21:55

What's the point in her coming back on Xmas eve if she's due to go back that same day anyway? I'd let it go

movingonup20 · 14/12/2020 22:17

Sounds perfectly reasonable, far better for your dc than be ferried back only to be returned 6 hours later.

Simplyunacceptable · 14/12/2020 22:22

The plan sounds a bit crazy anyway. I don’t see why he should take her overnight on the 23rd only to return her the next morning but then pick her back up again that day? It’s a bonkers arrangement. Just split it so one of you has Christmas Eve and half of Christmas Day and the other has half of Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Fair.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/12/2020 22:28

Did you actually specifically agree that he would bring her back in the morning and collect her again the same afternoon? Or is his weekly contact night on the 23rd and this year is his turn for Christmas eve night. So he's assumed he's keeping her through both and you assumed he'd bring her back for the few hours in the middle?

TableFlowerss · 14/12/2020 22:44

Kids wake up with me then we go to the ex’s house and I stay about half an hr to watch them open presents then they spend the night there.

They see us both on Christmas Day. I couldn’t imagine alternative Christmas’s, must be difficult

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 14/12/2020 22:46

I don't think he's being a knob at all.......the original plans sound ridiculous...... Lets face it if he'd proposed that idea to you you'd think he was being petty, controlling and trying to encroach on your time. Good to see you've had a change of heart, I'm sure he's a dickhead in a million and one ways but this isn't one of them.

80sColourfulChristmas · 14/12/2020 22:53

So hang on, you won't see your own child on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day??? Whattt?

Nope! Not happening. My DD will never be away from me for all of Christmas. That's heartbreaking and so so sad

80sColourfulChristmas · 14/12/2020 22:57

Correction - or Christmas morning. So he'd be bringing her back half way through Christmas Day?
"Not a chance" would be my response to that! As if he expects you - the child's mother & primary carer - to miss out on all the excitement of Christmas Eve and the fun on Christmas morning? How cruel

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/12/2020 23:41

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

He was being a knob because his plan was to make changes about where their 13 year old DD was spending her time without communicating that with either the OP or their DD. Any plans the DD had for the day of the 24th would have had to be abandoned, through no fault of her own, and without the ability to inform anyone in advance, make alternative arrangements or protest the intended change. That is pretty fucking knobbish.

The OP realised the original plan was not ideal with all the going back and forth so, rather than just take it on herself to everyone else's plans without informing them, contacted her ex to suggest an alternative. If her ex had contacted her to discuss changing plans that wouldn't have been knobbish. Just planning on doing it when it affects two other people is definitely knobbishness.

LemonTT · 14/12/2020 23:48

There is a victory in not reacting. For you and your daughter.

No good with come from petty retaliation and it doesn’t show strength.

Yeahnahmum · 15/12/2020 01:16

Pretty arsehole move from him
But at the same time; the whole bringing her back at 9am and then returning in the afternoon part was redicilous and stressful for everyone..

@80sColourfulChristmas calm your horses. Dads have rights too you know. And the might change it every year.

Lachimolala · 15/12/2020 06:18

Also for what it's worth, we usually alternate Christmas

That was hard at first as my DS had always been with me but I did get used to it. Before that arrangement was in place my ex would pull stunts like yours is planning all the time! Xmas is too special a time (especially while children are still young) to mess things up

We do this also, and yes it was really hard the first few years but we all eventually got used to it. And in the long run it’s ultimately better for the kids we do handover Christmas Eve at 10am and again on Boxing Day 6pm. It’s less messing about and the kids know what’s what every year.

Maybe look at doing that next year?

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