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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my DD meet up with her friends

71 replies

CockerSpaniel3 · 14/12/2020 12:27

Please help me out with this dilemma...

DD17 has asked me if she can meet up with 5 of her friends on Friday as they are not at school. I'd be fine letting her go to school on Friday if it was open as that's essential, but meeting her friends isn't. Also, we're currently in a tier 3 area so it would be against the law, hence why I'm reluctant to let her go.

However, its at a guest house next to her friend's house that hasn't been used due to lockdown. DD has also been sitting with them at lunch all week and in lessons so she is trying to convince me that, because of this, there is no extra risk.

DH and I don't want to allow this as elderly FIL is coming for xmas on the 23rd and think this extra day of not mixing will make it safer for him and also since its breaking the law.

I hate having to say to DD that she can't meet up with her friends and she has been quite upset thinking that she'll be left out.

AIBU - Just let her go
AINBU - It's against the law, don't let her

Thanks all!

OP posts:

Lotsachocolateplease · 14/12/2020 12:32

I think they’ll be loads of teenagers who will want to meet up with friends once schools are broken up. I think that if you’re planning on seeing elderly relatives over Christmas then it’s not a good idea.
Yes she’s been with them all week, but she’s planning on being indoors with them which isn’t allowed so I’d say no.
Missing out on a one off meet up with friends vs potentially catching COVID and passing it in to her elderly relative.......

KarenMaguire2012 · 14/12/2020 12:34

my daughter went out Friday I allowed it due to the fact she sits in lessons with them so if they have coronavirus she will already have it.let her go but tell her to be sensible

ApolloandDaphne · 14/12/2020 12:37

If she has been sitting with them all week up to that day then I can't see what difference it will make meeting them indoors the next day. I mostly follow the rules but sometimes they are very stupid and make no sense. Common sense says this will be fine but I understand many may not agree.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/12/2020 12:39

I wouldn't, yes she's been mixing with them, but it's possible one of them will be shedding the virus heavily on Friday when they weren't previously. It's not worth the risk, they'll be plenty of other days to meet up with friends in the future. Passing it on to parents/grandparents could be fatal.

Just Not Worth It

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/12/2020 12:41

Some posters are treating this like it's not an ever changing state of infection.

People get it and transmit it daily. Not having it Monday doesn't mean you won't have it later in the week and be shedding it

snookercue · 14/12/2020 12:42

I think it depends on whether the guidelines for you area allow it.

Simplyunacceptable · 14/12/2020 12:43

I wouldn’t be seeing elderly FIL at all personally but that’s besides the by. Some of the rules are kind of ridiculous. Allowing people to sit in a classroom or office for 6-10 hours a day, five days a week but then saying they can’t spend time with each other once school/work is over makes no sense. An extra hour or two after work isn’t suddenly going to make covid appear, it isn’t like it knows when people are doing something ‘essential’. So yes, your DD’s logic makes total sense and I’d be inclined to allow it.

Like I say, I wouldn’t be seeing a vulnerable elderly man a few days later though.

TheLetterZ · 14/12/2020 12:43

Everytime you meet up with someone you increase the risk. So even though she has seen them at school meeting up again is an increased risk.

This is for 2 reasons, 1) the longer the contact the high the chance of transmission and 2) they might have only just become contagious. It is all about reducing not eliminating risks.

Plus at school they are supposed to be cleaning hands, lots of windows open - will they really be inside with all the windows open.

Also, I think saying it is illegal is a pretty strong reason not to do something. It is very safe to drive on a quiet motorway at 100 mph but it is illegal so most people don’t do it.

LilMidge01 · 14/12/2020 13:25

I wouldn't. Yes your daughter will likely be upset and annoyed at you, but you're the parent. I would try to discuss it with her using logic, making the points other have made about contagious periods (seems perhaps both you and your daughter could do with a bit of science revision on how the virus works?) and also note that sometimes we all have to be grown up about the things we miss out on... This seems like a good teachable moment about responsibility and good citizenship rather than just a debate about whether or not to let your child do something and a parent laying down the law....as a 17 year old presumably she will be looking to leave home soon and discussing personal responsibility for actions is important. (btw, I'm not trying to be mean or judge parenting, I dont know you at all, I'm sure you do have these conversations with your daughter. I'm just saying this is maybe a good opportunity to reinforce those lessons)

TeenPlusTwenties · 14/12/2020 13:29

Sitting at spaced desks and facing forward isn't the same as cosying up on a sofa looking at each others' phones.

DonkeyMcFluff · 14/12/2020 13:31

It’s illegal, end of discussion.

Dundundunnn · 14/12/2020 13:33

I'd let her go, she's been sitting with them all week anyway.

christinarossetti19 · 14/12/2020 13:38

Honestly? If I had an elderly relative coming to stay for xmas, I would want to have had 14 days of the entire household self-isolating.

If I wasn't prepared to inflict this on my teens (I'm not) I wouldn't be having elderly relatives to stay,

Sorry not what you asked nor what you want to hear, but it seems a bit unfair to ask your dd to carry the burden of the risk that's already there.

vanillandhoney · 14/12/2020 13:43

@TeenPlusTwenties

Sitting at spaced desks and facing forward isn't the same as cosying up on a sofa looking at each others' phones.

Do you genuinely believe that's what secondary schools are like? Spaced desks, facing forwards and social distancing at all times?

lanthanum · 14/12/2020 13:47

If one of them starts displaying symptoms at any point up to Saturday, then she will have to self-isolate anyway if she was next to them on Thursday at school. If one of them starts displaying symptoms on Sunday, then she'll need to self-isolate on account of their Friday meet-up. Of course, by the time they actually get the test result, that will mean calling off your family's Christmas get-together at very short notice. The point of the extra day off is to try and avoid that.

It's a small chance that it's Sunday that someone starts displaying symptoms, rather than Saturday or Monday, but she's going to feel bad if that meet-up is what cancels Christmas.

TeenPlusTwenties · 14/12/2020 13:48

vanilla I know how DD's school has been set up (though she's not been well enough to attend). Of course it's not full social distancing, but neither is it full on socialising for 6 hours in an enclosed space, huddling up taking selfies together etc.

With an elderly relative coming, it would be a no from me.

Original poster

CockerSpaniel3 · 14/12/2020 13:48

Do you genuinely believe that's what secondary schools are like? Spaced desks, facing forwards and social distancing at all times?

Very true @vanillandhoney , from what she's told me there's no social distancing at all, especially at lunch/break.

However I think we'll have to say no to DD, just not worth the risk.

OP posts:

Original poster

CockerSpaniel3 · 14/12/2020 13:50

Also to all those saying they wouldn't have an elderly relative over after DD has been at school all week, it's his first Christmas without MIL so we certainly won't be leaving him alone then.

OP posts:

Enidblyton1 · 14/12/2020 14:00

If DD wasn’t seeing her friends on 18th would the whole family be able to isolate from 18th? It’s cutting it a bit fine timing wise for seeing an elderly relative indoors for a few days. In your position I’d let DD see her friends on 18th, then everyone in the family isolate and not have FIL to stay until 26th/27th. 23rd is a bit risky if she has been in school up to 17th.

liveitwell · 14/12/2020 14:08

Nope. It's against the rules. There's a reason why Covid numbers are so high amongst 11-18 yr olds.

You should all be isolating as best you can if you're worried for vulnerable relatives at Xmas.

MoiraNotRuby · 14/12/2020 14:12

@christinarossetti19

Honestly? If I had an elderly relative coming to stay for xmas, I would want to have had 14 days of the entire household self-isolating.

If I wasn't prepared to inflict this on my teens (I'm not) I wouldn't be having elderly relatives to stay,

Sorry not what you asked nor what you want to hear, but it seems a bit unfair to ask your dd to carry the burden of the risk that's already there.

This - I think teens have had such a crappy year and I am letting my DC see friends at the park/gym BUT we are not seeing elderly relatives indoors because of that.

snookercue · 14/12/2020 14:15

Had your DD not weighed up the situation herself before 'asking' if she can meet friends? At 17 I would expect mine to be making these decisions independently and coming to me to talk it over. A straight up ask for permission seems a bit much for a 17 year old.

nitsandwormsdodger · 14/12/2020 14:18

Classrooms have lots of covid measures
Facing forward
Ventilation
Anti virus bac wipes
No face to face group work
No sharing touching of paper books
This is not the case in a social situation
If it's only you she will be mixing no elderly or venerable people and you're happy to risk the fines

RedPandaFluff · 14/12/2020 14:39

I think purely the fact that it is illegal is more than enough reason to say no - as frustrating and upsetting as that is.

Also, teenagers are little sods. Next time you tell her 'no' for something else, she'll point back at this and say "well you let me do that, and that was illegal . . . "

Beamur · 14/12/2020 14:40

Outdoors yes, indoors no.

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