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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my DD meet up with her friends

71 replies

CockerSpaniel3 · 14/12/2020 12:27

Please help me out with this dilemma...

DD17 has asked me if she can meet up with 5 of her friends on Friday as they are not at school. I'd be fine letting her go to school on Friday if it was open as that's essential, but meeting her friends isn't. Also, we're currently in a tier 3 area so it would be against the law, hence why I'm reluctant to let her go.

However, its at a guest house next to her friend's house that hasn't been used due to lockdown. DD has also been sitting with them at lunch all week and in lessons so she is trying to convince me that, because of this, there is no extra risk.

DH and I don't want to allow this as elderly FIL is coming for xmas on the 23rd and think this extra day of not mixing will make it safer for him and also since its breaking the law.

I hate having to say to DD that she can't meet up with her friends and she has been quite upset thinking that she'll be left out.

AIBU - Just let her go
AINBU - It's against the law, don't let her

Thanks all!

OP posts:

Brunt0n · 14/12/2020 17:36

At 17 I would hope she would be sensible enough to realise this is not okay. I wouldn’t be condoning my 17 year old breaking the law and I would hope they wouldn’t be so selfish with regards to their elderly relative

katy1213 · 14/12/2020 17:37

She's 17. Surely it's her decision.

sirfredfredgeorge · 14/12/2020 17:38

DD17 has asked me if she can meet up with 5 of her friends on Friday as they are not at school. Also, we're currently in a tier 3 area so it would be against the law, hence why I'm reluctant to let her go

Tier 3 does not prevent groups of 6 from any number of households from meeting up?

heydoggee · 14/12/2020 17:46

It's illegal but every parent of teenagers I know is justifying it to themselves as being ok because it's 'their bubble'. But the virus can be picked up and transmitted at any time. Your DD might not have caught it yet but there nothing to stop her getting it on Friday, and passing it onto you, then your loved ones, then the cashier you paid in Sainsbury's this week...

Bubbles mean shit outside of school.

lemonsquashie · 14/12/2020 19:46

The group should not be meeting. One of the group members needs to be strong, speak up and stay away and I bet the others will follow suit

sirfredfredgeorge · 14/12/2020 21:06

The group should not be meeting

Why? What is the reason they shouldn't be meeting, the law allows it, the guidelines allow it, it's important for the wellbeing, both physical and mental (the exercise taken to get there is going to be more than sitting on the sofa that is the likely alternative)

It's perfectly reasonable of people not to choose to meet up, but I'm missing what's illegal about it, could someone actually explain.

Holly60 · 14/12/2020 22:19

Bless her I can see that she will be really upset to miss out, but I would tell her that lots of young people will be following the rules and not mixing - she definitely won’t be the only one. It may seem silly after she has been in school mixing with all the other children but the rules are there for a reason (we hope) and this is a lesson in good citizenship as much as anything else. Plan a fun day with her - you could make it special even if she can’t mix with her friends?

WhyDoYouAsk · 14/12/2020 22:30

Sitting at spaced desks and facing forward isn't the same as cosying up on a sofa looking at each others' phones.

Classrooms have lots of covid measures
Facing forward
Ventilation
Anti virus bac wipes
No face to face group work
No sharing touching of paper books

It’s almost laughable that people still think this is happening in schools and colleges.

It’s been like trying to herd cats all term.

In other words, they are, on the whole, a law unto themselves.

Children & teens do not social distance.
It’s been absolutely impossible in my experience.

WhyDoYouAsk · 14/12/2020 22:32

Having said that OP, follow the rules. Whatever they get up to in college & school leave it there. Keep to the rules at home.

Mousehole10 · 14/12/2020 22:38

@sirfredfredgeorge

The group should not be meeting

It's perfectly reasonable of people not to choose to meet up, but I'm missing what's illegal about it, could someone actually explain.

No it isn’t allowed. The op has said it’s in a guest house and are in tier 3. It’s against the law for them to meet inside, and other areas such as outdoor cafes. They are allowed to meet up in a public park but that isn’t the situation here.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/12/2020 22:43

Oh god, that's a tough one OP. I think it has to be a no doesnt it? Can they reschedule after all their elderly relatives have gone again?
It's so rubbish for young uns who have little sense of perspective about these things. Friends are everything at that age.

Nat6999 · 15/12/2020 00:29

Ds is going out with 11 friends on Friday, they are splitting up in to groups of 4 & changing every hour so that they all get to spend some time together. They all see each other at school but just want some free time together, they will have a walk together but in separate groups & pairs swap every hour. I'm not stopping him because he has worked hard all term & stuck to the rules.

WhyDoYouAsk · 15/12/2020 07:39

Nat
Do you think they will do the swop around every hour relay walk? Or are they more likely to huddle together under a bridge and smoke pot & drink cider? 😂

christinarossetti19 · 15/12/2020 08:53

The Xmas bubbling from 23rd is of course lawful but that doesn't change the fact that they're a terrible idea from the perspective of virus control if people bubbling have been in contact with people outside of the bubble in the two weeks previously.

This is especially true for secondary school aged children, who are the most infected subset of the population.

The question is less 'should I allow dd to meet her friends on Friday?' than 'is it safe for an elderly person to be in the same household as a teen who may be asymptomatically carrying the virus or develop symptoms at any moment?' surely.

cherryblossomx3 · 15/12/2020 09:00

everything @christinarossetti19 said is bang on. unless ALL of your household have been self isolating prior to elderly FIL arrival then I cannot see how you can argue that this meet up would be the thing that puts FIL at risk, nor do I think it is fair to put that on a 17 year olds shoulders. You can say no DD because it is illegal at present, but I don't think you should use FIL as your trump card here.

christinarossetti19 · 15/12/2020 09:38

Thanks cherryblossomx3.

My first thought when I read OP was what an appalling situation to put a teenager in - knowing that she could very well be carrying the virus and be the one who passes it on to her elderly grandfather next week.

It's irrelevant if OP would have let her attend school on Friday as it's 'essential'. The issue is the transmission risk that her teen carries if she's in school until Thursday whether or not she meets up with her friends on Friday or not.

This isn't about whether OP's dd should meet up with her friends on Friday (she shouldn't), but the fact that OP and her husband 'think an extra day of not mixing' will reduce risk. Unless the virus has got that memo, its a crazy way of looking at this situation.

Especially when said elderly grandfather has somewhere else to go which sounds safer for Xmas (his son's who has been wfh).

It is terribly sad, but if the grandfather being with them as Xmas is the priority, then OP and her dh should have isolated her whole household for two weeks before, not left her daughter to carry the emotional burden.

yeOldeTrout · 15/12/2020 09:43

There is no way on Earth I would ask MN for advice on this. I hope OP comes to a solution she is comfortable with.

Nat6999 · 16/12/2020 03:02

Whydoyouask No they are all good kids & they have decided to meet up in the city centre, walk through, look in the shops, buy takeaway coffee & buns, wander around the market. Normally they would have gone bowling or to the cinema.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/12/2020 03:27

I think.your FiL shouldn't be coming to you for Christmas.

Is there a particular reason he's coming to you rather than going to your BiL?

My elderly widowed mum is going to be on her own for Christmas as she feels it's too much risk to come to us. DS2 is coming to us for Christmas from a Tier 3 area where he's a student. It's really difficult but as my mum says, she hopes she's got several christmases ahead of her still, but she might not have if she contracts the virus at this one. There's nowhere else for her to go at Christmas except ours but she has made her own risk assessment and would rather be alone this year.

lemonsquashie · 16/12/2020 06:29

Teenagers should be getting the vaccine first. Not old people. They're ones spreading it. They're the ones whose lives have suffered the most too

TeenPlusTwenties · 16/12/2020 07:42

@lemonsquashie

Teenagers should be getting the vaccine first. Not old people. They're ones spreading it. They're the ones whose lives have suffered the most too

They may be the ones spreading it, but they're not the ones who will die from it.

I'm not sure whether teens lives have suffered the most either.

Some have been massively impacted (my own teen included), but giving vaccines now won't stop that impact.

Whereas my DPs have been more or less nowhere and seen more or less no-one since March, except health care people and Tesco delivery drivers. My DF had the vaccine yesterday (yay!) and said it felt really weird being in a large building with other people.

This pandemic has impacted both old and young. But one age group is at far more risk of serious illness/death.

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