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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to see MIL at Christmas

61 replies

Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 14/12/2020 09:10

MIL is 86 and lives alone. She has been very lonely during the pandemic. We live in a T3 area and she is T2 but the minute Boris said we could visit at Christmas she expected us to go. The original plan was to see her on Boxing Day and my parents the day after. However, a friend has recently lost her father in law to Covid, which she passed on to him. Naturally she feels very guilty. I work in a huge High School and my son goes to one of a similar size. I had a chat with my parents and they agree that the sensible thing is to not go. We will miss them but just because we are allowed doesn’t mean it’s safe. MIL won’t hear a word of it. We only break up on the 17th which to my mind is too close to the 26th to be safe. DH is stuck in the middle. AIBU in saying I’m not happy about going but if we do my son and I will wear masks and stay as far away as possible? I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/12/2020 09:12

I think if your MIL is fully aware of the risk and wants to take it the let her.
My Mum and sdad are coming for breakfast on Xmas Day, they are high risk and I have given them all the info re infection rates etc and impressed upon here the likelihood of then surviving Covid if they get it but they want to come so I will let them

Neolara · 14/12/2020 09:16

Do you live close enough that you could go around and see her for a short period of time in the garden?

muddledmidget · 14/12/2020 09:16

I think all you can do is let her know that you cannot isolate, and will be at school until 9 days before you see her, but if she's spent almost an entire year alone I can understand her being willing to take a risk. I'd keep the windows open to ventilate the room and set her up with her own side of the room. If possible can she have her own bathroom and do everything you can to keep her as safe as possible while she is with you, but I'm not sure you can tell her 2 weeks before Xmas that she's going to be alone

Ragwort · 14/12/2020 09:17

Why can't your DH go on his own? If you kindly explain it's because your work in a school surely she will understand, there is obviously still a slight risk if your DH visits but if she is happy to accept the risk that's her choice.
My parents (90 this week!) have 'accepted'' there is a risk right throughout lockdown but made the choice to carry on living as 'normal' a life as possible. I have friends in their early 60s (no health issues) who haven't stepped outside their house in 9 months. Confused.

muddledmidget · 14/12/2020 09:19

Sorry, just seen you're going to her, which does reduce the possibility of her getting a higher dose of the virus if you are contagious than if she came to your house. I'd be open with her about the risk, and try and reduce it as much as possible (stay in the garden or ventilate the room) but I'm not sure I could just not go.

Simplyunacceptable · 14/12/2020 09:19

I don’t think I could live with the guilt if I gave a relative covid and they subsequently died, sounds like you couldn’t either. All you can do is explain how dangerous it is and tell her once she has been vaccinated you’ll make up for it.

TingTastic · 14/12/2020 09:20

Can you go on 27th, so it at least gives 10 days since you break up? You should hear if any of the kids have tested positive in the intervening time too

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/12/2020 09:22

I'd go to visit. the loneliness of all this is getting to some people. I'm quite sure us being unable to visit the nursing home for months and then only once a week contributed to my mother's death in September (not from covid). I know how pleased I was to meet up with friends back in July and what a boost it gave me so I would do it (assuming of course you feel well)

Cyw2018 · 14/12/2020 09:25

Has your mil got the mental capacity to weigh up the risks and make her own decision?

This basic human right had been taken away from so many of us for much of this year, the Christmas 5 days is an opportunity for everyone to make their own risk/benefit analysis and make their own choices (within the 4 household bubbling rules), don't take that away from your mil just because she is old!

Neron · 14/12/2020 09:28

You have 9 days in which to isolate, and can all wear masks and social distance. Imagine being 86, terribly lonely all year, looking forward to being with family at Christmas to now facing it alone.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/12/2020 09:30

It's all well and good saying MIL can choose to take the risk, but I'd imagine the OP and her husband wouldn't want the possibility of living with the guilt if they subsequently passed anything on that killed her.

Strangedayindeed · 14/12/2020 09:33

She is an adult and she has made an hopefully (informed) decision about the risks. I think go. We all have to be responsible for our own risks.

ThePants999 · 14/12/2020 09:35

If someone says "for me, loneliness is worse than Covid", then logically you should feel more guilty for inflicting loneliness on them than you would for inflicting Covid on them ;-)

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 14/12/2020 09:35

I appreciate that your parents have arrived at a different decision, but there are after all two of them: they won't be lonely. She will. I think someone has to visit her, even if it's all PPE'd up; socially distanced; for a short time - whatever.

Original poster
Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 14/12/2020 09:35

To answer a few questions-
She does have other family who live closer but are choosing not to visit.
We live a 3 hour drive away.
DH could go on his own, but is working a lot over Christmas so I’d go with him just to spend some time with him.
She is capable of making her own choices, although she does get confused at times. Her sons have joint power of attorney as she doesn’t always make sensible decisions.
She has never forgotten that my son gave her gastric flu when he was about 4. It is mentioned at least once a year.
She has COPD - meant to put that in the op, sorry.

OP posts:
PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 14/12/2020 09:41

Well, your update has put a different spin on things. The COPD would worry me, plus the fact that she's still dining-out on your poor four-year-having 'given' her gastric flu (a guilt-loaded expression I hate anyway. No-one 'gives' someone a readily communicable illness).

NiceandCalm · 14/12/2020 09:42

She is at more risk than you. As long as she understands this then surely it's up to her. She's on her own, unlike your parents.

MrsMigginsPie · 14/12/2020 09:44

Difficult. I can understand your MILs views, but I don’t think it’s just down to her being informed and happy to take the risk. If you did pass it on (or your DC) then you’d/they’d feel guilty regardless. As an adult I could rationalise it a bit more but I’d be worried of it put my DC in this situation (I guess though how could we be certain who had passed it on?). This is my conundrum as my MIL is the same (although she’s late 70s). I’d prefer to leave it, but I’ve been outvoted (and tbh we definitely would feel guilty leaving on her own for Christmas). 😕

NiceandCalm · 14/12/2020 09:44

Whoops, didn't see the update. That's totally different. If she can accept that closer family are not visiting, then why not you?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/12/2020 09:45

But you were going to see her on boxing day anyway.
Shes 86 for god sake! Perhaps she thinks this may be the last Christmas she will get and wants to see her family.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/12/2020 09:46

Given your update I wouldn't go. If your DH thinks it's better to go then let him go.

If she goes on about a child passing something on, well that's not very fair.

Could one of you get a test nearer the time?

Circumlocutious · 14/12/2020 09:46

I don't think she actually grasps the risks. I think she's just convinced it'll never happen to her and she'll be absolutely fine.

The gastric flu update has made me change my mind. Fuck a covid guilt trip like that for a new year gift.

impossible · 14/12/2020 09:52

I would be tempted to wait as if you infect your MIL you will feel terrible. Could you perhaps tell a white lie and suggest someone in your community has the virus (someone in your community probably does have the virus). Then suggest a celebration as soon as she's vaccinated and passed designated waiting period.

Presumably she is due for a vaccine quite soon which will make things much easier. Perhaps you could have a zoom conversation with her on the day and send her some gifts to open while you watch.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 09:52

I feel really sorry for MIL how awful to be so lonely and now she won't even see anyone at christmas.

I would get the family tested just before you go, take as many precautions as you can - even if it is a drink the garden with coats and blankets and see her on Christmas day. I would never leave an older person alone at christmas.

Neron · 14/12/2020 09:53

My DM has emphysema, I have, and will still see her. You don't want to go, but I feel sorry for MIL.