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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to see MIL at Christmas

61 replies

Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 14/12/2020 09:10

MIL is 86 and lives alone. She has been very lonely during the pandemic. We live in a T3 area and she is T2 but the minute Boris said we could visit at Christmas she expected us to go. The original plan was to see her on Boxing Day and my parents the day after. However, a friend has recently lost her father in law to Covid, which she passed on to him. Naturally she feels very guilty. I work in a huge High School and my son goes to one of a similar size. I had a chat with my parents and they agree that the sensible thing is to not go. We will miss them but just because we are allowed doesn’t mean it’s safe. MIL won’t hear a word of it. We only break up on the 17th which to my mind is too close to the 26th to be safe. DH is stuck in the middle. AIBU in saying I’m not happy about going but if we do my son and I will wear masks and stay as far away as possible? I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
RainMoon · 14/12/2020 09:55

I’d phrase it to your DH it’s more about your child. If the infection came from him and his school that killed granny, that’s really going to mess them up for years.
Sitting with masks on won’t be fun, and just being in the room for 30mins would fill it with enough infectious material even wearing masks.
Such a horrible time

WankPuffins · 14/12/2020 09:57

It's up to her.

My dad is also 86. He'll be here for Christmas, he's not stopped his monthly long weekend visits either (he lives 200 miles away), even though dc are in primary/secondary with high cases. Even if we tested positive, he would still turn up. There's no distancing when he's here.

It's either he carries on as normal with us or to be frank, he'll kill himself. He couldn't care less about covid. He just doesn't want to be alone.

nosswith · 14/12/2020 09:59

I would not go, unless sitting in the garden is a practical one, which I doubt.

Laiste · 14/12/2020 10:27

After your update i wouldn't go.

DM has form for dropping unpleasant old cliches and comments into conversation (re: 4 year old giving tummy bug) too and doesn't seem to care who it upsets.

I would not be risking having the final words of an 86 year old ringing in my ears for the rest of my life:
''One of you lot must have given me this at xmas!''

No ta.

averythinline · 14/12/2020 10:35

can you go 10days after school break up? I think you are in too high risk with the level of covid in secondaries - I guess you would have to SI for those 10days.......to be safe - its a long way to go for a day as well....

she must be quite high up the vacination list being 86+copd.....i would be minded to wait personally

Butterymuffin · 14/12/2020 10:45

I don't think the COPD will speed it up as extremely clinically vulnerable patients are a lower category than 80 year olds. So she'll be vaccinated with all the other 80 somethings. Still shouldn't be too long though.

Calmandmeasured1 · 14/12/2020 10:59

Is there any chance of your MIL receiving the first leg of the vaccine before Christmas?

averylongtimeago · 14/12/2020 11:05

She is 86. You know she is very lonely.
You have told her you are going on Boxing Day - now you don't want to go at all?

Original poster
Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 14/12/2020 11:17

Thanks for all your thoughts. I did think about developing a ‘cough’ just before Christmas and getting us all tested, just to be on the safe side. Obviously we will all continue to take our temperature and monitor our health beforehand.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 11:19

She'll just have to be disappointed. It's very selfish of her to make this demand of you.

You can talk with her by phone. That has to suffice for many people; why should she be the exception?

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 11:20

@WankPuffins

It's up to her.

My dad is also 86. He'll be here for Christmas, he's not stopped his monthly long weekend visits either (he lives 200 miles away), even though dc are in primary/secondary with high cases. Even if we tested positive, he would still turn up. There's no distancing when he's here.

It's either he carries on as normal with us or to be frank, he'll kill himself. He couldn't care less about covid. He just doesn't want to be alone.

So he's ok with possibly infecting your family? What a weak and utterly selfish man.
ittakes2 · 14/12/2020 11:23

At 86 you m’n’law is old enough to make her decisions about her life. She might not get another Christmas with you. She knows the risks and she wants you to go - go and make it the best Christmas yet.

WankPuffins · 14/12/2020 11:29

@PerveenMistry ohh Christ no! We make HIM self isolate for 14 days before coming to us!

We go no where other than the kids school or see anyone. He's out and about as usual. The only way I will let him near the baby is if he self isolates 14 days before he comes each time.

It's so backwards really.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 14/12/2020 11:34

On the question of guilt and its long-running impacts.

I can speak with experience of being told at a young age that I'd killed both my mother and my father (by my dying mother).

No, of course I hadn't. (Frantically complicated backstory to do with very poor Primary Care and the testimonial injustice that means neither poor people nor women were listened to with any belief.)

Nonetheless, of course I remember it decades later (particularly because my mother said this in the Christmas season). And of course it caused major estrangement with my siblings who had their own reasons for not questioning it for decades and our relationships seem like they're never going to heal.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 14/12/2020 11:34

I understand your dilemma OP. I am in a similar position MIL is coming here for the whole Christmas period and originally I was fairly comfortable with the situation but our numbers are now rocketing. Our school has had its first confirmed case of Covid-19 in my DD's year group. My MIL is doesn't really understand all the restrictions but the thought of passing the virus on to her doesn't bear thinking about. All at bit of a nightmare really.

NotBrigitteBardot · 14/12/2020 11:34

If you use the Covid Zoe app and sign up to be part of their survey you can get tested for having one symptom eg sore throat. I was tested last week and DH the week before, at a local walk in centre, there was literally no-one else there both times so don’t feel guilty about taking up valuable test spaces.
I have a similar problem with MiL, I won’t see her as I take the view that I don’t want to kill someone else’s parent, DH can make his own decision as it’s his own parent

Conkergame · 14/12/2020 11:39

OP she’s 86. To be frank she might not be here by next Christmas anyway, covid or no covid. So your guilt may come from “we ruined her final Christmas by leaving her on her own”. Let her make her own decisions.

Your DC won’t feel guilty for “giving her covid” unless you tell him that’s what happened. So just don’t tell him that FGS!

mackerella · 14/12/2020 11:46

@Conkergame

OP she’s 86. To be frank she might not be here by next Christmas anyway, covid or no covid. So your guilt may come from “we ruined her final Christmas by leaving her on her own”. Let her make her own decisions.

Your DC won’t feel guilty for “giving her covid” unless you tell him that’s what happened. So just don’t tell him that FGS!

OP wouldn't need to tell her son about it if MIL got covid, as he's secondary age so presumably old enough to deduce this for himself!
WankPuffins · 14/12/2020 11:46

Your DC won’t feel guilty for “giving her covid” unless you tell him that’s what happened. So just don’t tell him that FGS!

This. I don't understand people saying the children would never get over it. A) it could've been from anywhere and b) as if you would say, "well Johnny, I'm afraid that after granny went home after choosing to come and see us that she got terribly ill and died from covid which you must have been carrying. Terrible!"

WankPuffins · 14/12/2020 11:49

@mackerella but if it's the older persons choice then they take the risk. I certainly wouldn't let my 18 year old feel guilt if he's carrying it without symptoms and passes it on to my dad.

(Although, I think my dad is more at risk from the weekly parities and poker games he and all the other elderly people he knows are still enjoying than from Ds who goes to college two live a week and is in the house the rest of the time).

nicknamehelp · 14/12/2020 11:56

I really feel at 86 and with COPD this really could be her last Xmas Covid or no Covid and not seeing her would also leave you feeling guilty if you hadn't been. I would go you will of been of work almost the isolation period. And if you practice good hygiene and explain before no cuddles etc I'm sure it will be fine. I'm sorry but I couldn't leave an elderly person alone at any time let alone Xmas.

lanthanum · 14/12/2020 12:05

It's a difficult one.
At 86 she could well have had both shots of the vaccine by mid/late-January, so might she be persuaded that you'll come for a weekend at the end of January to do a late Christmas?
That still leaves her on he own on Christmas Day, though. However it might be better to have that planned (and lots of nice food ordered in for her and zoom/skyping set up, plus her favourite movies to watch) than plan on going and then have to cancel because one of you has to self-isolate.

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 12:08

[quote WankPuffins]@PerveenMistry ohh Christ no! We make HIM self isolate for 14 days before coming to us!

We go no where other than the kids school or see anyone. He's out and about as usual. The only way I will let him near the baby is if he self isolates 14 days before he comes each time.

It's so backwards really.[/quote]
Do you believe that he really does self-isolate?

I've caught many people lying about their level of precautions.

WankPuffins · 14/12/2020 12:12

@PerveenMistry he does. Were his only family and the kids are everything to him. He knows it would be it for me if he lied. He'd never see them again. I've had friends if his write to me tell me how cruel I am and that I'm killing him making him self isolate.

Plus I get the three FaceTimes a day complaining about how bored he is. And after he sees us and he's back to his normal life it's all I hear about.

marthastew · 14/12/2020 12:26

We aren't seeing any elderly relatives this Christmas. No grandparents. We are all so sad about it but don't see what else there is to do. We are so so close to them having access to a vaccine.