Not wanting to see MIL at Christmas

[Preparedtobetoldimwrong]

MIL is 86 and lives alone. She has been very lonely during the pandemic. We live in a T3 area and she is T2 but the minute Boris said we could visit at Christmas she expected us to go. The original plan was to see her on Boxing Day and my parents the day after. However, a friend has recently lost her father in law to Covid, which she passed on to him. Naturally she feels very guilty. I work in a huge High School and my son goes to one of a similar size. I had a chat with my parents and they agree that the sensible thing is to not go. We will miss them but just because we are allowed doesn’t mean it’s safe. MIL won’t hear a word of it. We only break up on the 17th which to my mind is too close to the 26th to be safe. DH is stuck in the middle. AIBU in saying I’m not happy about going but if we do my son and I will wear masks and stay as far away as possible? I don’t know what to do.

If she understands and willing to accept the risk then that's one thing. But if something actually happened to her then how would that leave you feeling? It's one thing to say it's her call but then you gave to also think how it makes you feel as well should anything happen.

Obviously I wouldn’t tell my son that it was his fault if he passed anything on to her - I’m not stupid! But he is a teenager and my friend’s son is in his class so he is well aware of the possible consequences.
DH going alone is an option we have discussed.
There are lots of reasons why family who live closer are not visiting, not all to do with the pandemic.

Will it upset you and your DH if this turns out to be her last Christmas and you haven't seen her?

I think she should decide

As one scientist said (not word for word) "see your family at Christmas but be prepared to bury them in January/February" shocking but true.

I think you are doing the right thing. She is at high risk of dying from it and your at high risk for giving it, as is your son!
Be blunt with her. Tell her you love her and that's why your not prepared to see her die so soon!

Christmas is just one day. Anyone could die between now and the next one. That's no reason to guilt others into ill-advised and foolish behavior.

So weary of the "lonely oldster" refrain. They have modern comforts, phones, perhaps pets & likely tv and even internet, plus can go for distanced walks outdoors or do garden work if able. It's not as though they're chained in a basement. Let them exercise resourcefulness instead of being so needy and guilt tripping and careless of others' safety.

If she's aware of the risks I'd prbably just go but take extra precautions in the 9 days previous to going. At 86 she might die of anything at any time it must be pretty miserable to be alone all the time and she might prefer the risk of covid than the certainty of a lonely, depressing christmas.

@PerveenMistry

Bloody hell what a horrible message you wrote. MiL isn't being careless with other's safety. Her safety is the issue here. She can decide how careful she wants to be with her own health. Living entirely alone with only phone calls can be incredibly depressing for someone who's old and might never have another Christmas. That's real, genuine depression - that isn't being whiny and entitled.

@PerveenMistry

Christmas is just one day. Anyone could die between now and the next one. That's no reason to guilt others into ill-advised and foolish behavior.

So weary of the "lonely oldster" refrain. They have modern comforts, phones, perhaps pets & likely tv and even internet, plus can go for distanced walks outdoors or do garden work if able. It's not as though they're chained in a basement. Let them exercise resourcefulness instead of being so needy and guilt tripping and careless of others' safety.

I agree with some of this. Whilst modern comforts, walks, gardening etc. are available, not everyone is able to use/have/do them. There could be physical or cognitive limits or no suitable space, for example. I do agree that among some there might be an unwillingness to engage though.

I worked in care homes throughout college and uni. Residents who had the most visitors were those who had connections outside the home. Friends, religious leaders/fellow worshippers, club members, people from the choir/orchestra/amdram, colleagues were the main visitors for many. Those who had taken the time to make friends and pursue interests never seemed to rely on family for company.

I really appreciate the consideration you are giving this and wish others would realise the same that just because you can doesnt necessarily mean you should.

However, if your MIL is adamant and it is her you're trying to protect, as long as you've given her all the information, it sounds like she's calculated the risks and has decided she would prefer to see you and her grandson. She may have many different motivations and reasons for this. But if she understands the risks and still wants to see you, I would go. Be careful, dont hug her, try and keep distance as best you can, but make an old lady happy

You're sort of damned either way OP.

If you don't go (and it's her last xmas) you'll feel bad.
If you do go (and she catches it) you'll feel bad.

Also just to throw another thought into the mix (not calling you selfish but just playing devil's advocate)...but is it not a bit selfish to ignore her wishes because YOU couldn't live with the guilt if something were to happen?

She's an adult and if she is of sound mind and understand the risks, she has made a decision. That's not your guilt
Your parents have made a different decision. You're respecting theirs.