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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you know anyone who....

60 replies

Miamarshmallows · 13/12/2020 22:47

Is single by choice and intends to stay that way?
For me personally, I would cope if DP left me or died but my life would nowhere near be as fulfilling or fun without him in it and I would grieve for what we had lost everyday. I wouldn't choose to be single if I could be in a happy, secure and very loving relationship is what I'm saying.

OP posts:

MyNameForToday1980 · 13/12/2020 22:51

Yes, I have a friend who is asexual and aromantic, she hasn't had a relationship for over 20 years. And doesn't want one.

She has good friends, god children, a fulfilling career (and a doctorate), she is an entirely functioning member of society... Just doesn't like being in a relationship or anything that comes with it.

OuiOuiKitty · 13/12/2020 22:51

One of my friends is. She is coming up on 50 now and hasn't been in a relationship for years and doesnt intend to. She has loads of friends, a very close family circle and an adult son. She says she just doesn't see the point she is happy as she is and has a fulfilling career and social life.

D4rwin · 13/12/2020 22:54

Yes two people. One has intimacy issues and after years of counselling would rather have friends where everything is less about "together". The other just won't compromise their plan for life which is basically solo travelling, constant contracts and living on a boat.

Kippure · 13/12/2020 22:58

Yes, two female and one male friend. One woman is in her 60s with a mid-20s daughter by adoption, and has been longterm celibate for at least 30 years. She’s a brilliant and inspired friend, but feels relationships are unnecessarily limiting to her. The other female friend has been single by choice since we were postgrads — she says she turns into a psycho in relationships. No children.

Both live interesting, full, free lives.

My male friend is divorced with children and has (rightly from what I see) decided that he’s ill-fitted for relationships, should never have married, and is being true to himself at a deep level by staying single. I could see him having sexual encounters, but no relationships in future.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2020 22:58

I am not technically "single" in that I have a boyfriend but I am absolutely committed to never wanting to live with a man again.

I've been (unhappily) married before and that may have coloured my judgement but I have always been much happier and fulfilled out of long-term relationships than in them. I like to have a bit of romance and intrigue in my life and love male friendships but I find the idea of a committed, cohabitation-based relationship unbearably claustrophobic and restricting.

In my experience women in particular do better in almost all elements of their life when not cohabiting. They are happier, more focused, more devoted to their children, work harder, earn more money.

I love my boyfriend to bits but I'm sure I would hate him if we moved in together.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2020 23:00

And I have two close female friends who are single and genuinely chose to be that way and wild horses wouldn't drag them into a relationship with a man.

Bookaholic73 · 13/12/2020 23:01

I did. I was single for 15 years (except for 1 very brief relationship which I ended).
My kids were young and when I split with their dad, I wanted to dedicate a good portion of my life to raising them.

twolip · 13/12/2020 23:02

What's the point of this thread? Is it because you wouldn't want that life you don't believe others genuinely wouldn't?
Not everyone relies on a husband to feel fulfilled and to have fun.

HugeAckmansWife · 13/12/2020 23:04

Oh wow, thepeopleversuswork that's me too. I have a 'partner' but we live separately and I doubt we'll change that, even when my kids are grown. After 2 marriages I like the independence and wouldn't put my home or financial footing at risk, hinging it all on if someone loves / fancies me enough.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2020 23:05

@HugeAckmansWife

Hear hear

Crinkle77 · 13/12/2020 23:43

In 43 and came out of a 10 year relationship last year. I have no interest in a new relationship. The thought of getting back in to the dating game is just hideous. Having to shave my legs, dress up, sorry if he likes me or if he's going to call me again. No thanks!

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 14/12/2020 00:01

@thepeopleversuswork same here! Been 5 years but couldn't live with him.

Givemeabreak88 · 14/12/2020 00:02

I’m a single mum and have been single for 4 years, no dates at all, I intend to stay this way tbh. I’m the opposite and can’t imagine being in a relationship again

tinselfest · 14/12/2020 00:10

Yes, I know one, we work together. She rarely talks about personal things, but on one occasion she said "Oh I can't be doing with any of that nonsense!"

Superstardjs · 14/12/2020 00:11

Me. I'm late 40s, single parent, divorced for a decade. There is nothing a partner could bring to my life and there is a lot they could spoil. My life is lovely and I am not prepared to compromise a minute of that. I spent a lot of my teens, all of my twenties and some of my 30s in relationships. The next chapter is all about me and a man is not necessary for this part.

whistlesandbells · 14/12/2020 00:16

Yes. She has had bad experiences with men and doesn't want a relationship. She misses things but prefers her security.

Pipandmum · 14/12/2020 00:16

I'm not sure if I'm single by choice or if I just haven't met anyone since my husband died 11 years ago. I'm content, but open to a relationship if it happened, though not actively looking (no OLD etc). How can you tell the difference?

housemdwaswrong · 14/12/2020 00:19

Me. I'm 42, been single for ages and intend to stay that way sex has never bothered me one way or the other, so I don't struggle with that. I don't miss intimacy either, far happier on my own.

Sweettea1 · 14/12/2020 00:25

Single here concreting on my children at min been single 5 years not actually looking for any1 but if some1 comes along great as yes its nice to share things with some1 on a personal level but happy either way.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 14/12/2020 00:32

I am single, some bits of the last few months have been hard, I miss my friends and going out with them, but the horror of having someone in my home on a permanent basis is grim.
I tried living with someone twenty years ago, I kept my own flat as a bolthole. Lasted about five months, have never felt so lonely. I much prefer my own company, I don't like compromise.

ParlezVousWronglais · 14/12/2020 00:51

I’ve been single for over 10 years. Can’t imagine being in a relationship or living with someone now. Not motivated to go dating at all. I really love spending time with friends in small doses, and the few friends I have are extremely important to me. But if I’m honest I prefer being alone most of the time. I occasionally appreciate someone as attractive but don’t have any longings to be with anyone in that way.

saraclara · 14/12/2020 00:56

I've been widowed for nine years. Absolutely no interest in finding a new partner. My friends want me to, and just don't get that I'm happy on my own.

I like not having to make compromises. I like living my own life and making my own choices. I had a wonderful marriage to the easiest and most unselfish of men. I'm not going to find anyone like that again, and I'm not about to change anything I do for someone else.

Also most men my age are looking for someone to look after them. And ultimately become their carer. I'm not up for that.

hilariousnamehere · 14/12/2020 01:00

Yes, me. I've had two lovely relationships with decent men - one seven years, one two years - good relationships, great sex, nothing bad happened, amicable breakups but I'm still so much happier on my own.

I'm 34 and approaching 7 years single and can't imagine choosing to add a man into my life at all.

OP I'm glad your life is happier with your other half in it but for me, I'm immeasurably happier, calmer, more fulfilled and living more on purpose since I've been single

hilariousnamehere · 14/12/2020 01:03

There is nothing a partner could bring to my life and there is a lot they could spoil. My life is lovely and I am not prepared to compromise a minute of that.

@Superstardjs this is exactly how I feel too!

Mintjulia · 14/12/2020 01:14

I'm single by choice. I had enough of the lying, cheating, pressurising, complaining and selfishness.

Now DS and I live in a cheerful little bubble which no-one else can ruin. I won't even consider another relationship until Ds has left school and is well on his way to independence. It's not worth the grief.

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