To be upset that my mum isn't buying my kids Christmas presents?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

My mum is a PITA for promising to give gifts then not following through. Still waiting on a washing machine for my wedding present - I got married 12 years ago, have had 2 kids and a divorce since! She also promised to give me a diamond necklace for my 30th - I got a £25 tea towel!
Disclaimer: I didn't ask for a washing machine or necklace, I never ask for anything, but when someone promises one it would be nice if they kept their promise. And I smiled sweetly when I got the tea towel and said it was lovely (it was fucking ugly)

She now lives abroad and because of the cost of postage and risk of breakages (I usually buy her perfume you can't get where she lives) we just buy for each other when we see each other - but she would usually buy gifts online to be delivered to me for the DC in time for Xmas.

2 years ago she decided I was too old for presents and stopped buying for me, so I reciprocated. She still bought for the DC though and this year even picked out some Lego sets for them which I said would be perfect.

I'm a teacher and a single mum so any parcels I order I get delivered I send to the school as no one is ever home to take them in and my neighbours all work FT too. So I told my mum to send the Lego sets to school. Our last day is Tuesday and the building will be shut over the holidays so I messaged her yesterday to say if she hadn't sent them already to send them to my house no the school.

Anyway, she's not getting the kids presents this year. She's re-negged on the Lego. I asked why and she said she will just buy for them whenever she sees them next.

I know my mum, we've had a fraught relationship and I strongly suspect it's more to do with the fact that she doesn't think I've called her enough this year (she's implied this, she never calls me despite being retired, I always have to be the one to call her she never calls me). She punishes me in little ways like that.

To clarify: her and SD have no money issues, they sold a succession of homes for huge profits and live a very luxurious lifestyle, wear only designer clothes etc. £30 Lego sets would not be an issue.

The thing that hurts most is that she is buying for two of my siblings kids - I asked her, DB is a 'struggling single father' you know (a single father who doesn't pay maintenance and actively reduced how many times he saw his DC) and DSis has been 'super supportive' this year my other DB isn't getting one for his DD though. "I'll buy for her when I see her". And she also had bought for her best friend's adult children (she told me 2 weeks ago she'd got them Debenhams vouchers and was panicking that they'd be useless).

AIBU to be really fucking upset by this?. She often uses gifts as a punishment or bribe. For example, when I got married she said she'd buy my dress. I found a total bargain at £300. She said she'd only buy it if I started sending my SD's family birthday cards (I've never met half of them, the other half i last saw when I was 8 but she likes to play the dutiful wife to his misogynistic family). I said no BTW and bought it myself!

I feel like if she has an issue, speak up, don't take it out on my children.

I'd stop calling at all tbh

She has form so don't let it bother you. Never expect anything from her and be pleasantly surprised if she does anything.

My mother was exactly like this, also moved abroad. Gave luxurious presents to my cousins to show off, but gave me nothing and very little to my DCs.
Eventually due to many narcissistic events I went NC to save my sanity and protect DCs.

Stop bothering with her. She doesn't care about you. You're right to feel the way you do but it's not doing you any good is it. You're just hurting yourself.

Go NC. She's punishing your kids because of what she wants you to do.

Stop ringing at all.

This isn't how a normal grandparents would behave. Your Mum is really nasty. I'm so sorry that she is treating you like this. Like others, I would keep future contact to a minimum after the comments made that phone call. She doesn't value her children/grandchildren equally and is using gifts to try and manipulate you. I would not play this game with her.

I would say “that’s fine but will you ring your grandchildren on Christmas Day and explain why you haven’t sent them a Christmas present this year?”
I hate it when people bring children into stuff like this: she clearly has a gripe with you. I would tell her to stuff her presents where the sun don’t shine! YANBU!!

She punishes me in little ways like that.

It's gone too far when she is including children in her spiteful mind games.
Do you get anything positive out of your relationship with her? Or is it always hard work?
I'd be looking to really limit any contact. And explain why.
How disappointing for the kids that their own grandmother wont give them a Christmas pressie.

Stop ringing, I dont think you'll be at risk of losing inheritance as I imagine it's in her husbands name if she likes to play up to his family.

Enjoy the peace.

Cant believe she is buying for some grandkids and not others. That's awful

What a cow! Yes, she’s clearly rewarding some and punishing others. Is there a way to step out of the cycle entirely? Ie ‘they’d like a charity donation, mum’ or next time say ‘Up to you’ nonchalantly or just ignore. Or call it out ‘why are you telling me what you’re buying for XYZ? It feels like you’re doing it to make a point about punishing me for not calling you daily by not buying your grandkids Christmas presents.’

Tricky!

51dementedpixie

"I'd stop calling at all tbh"

My thoughts exactly. Try to stop caring what she does. She's a manipulative cow.

What a cow , you can’t buy for some grandchildren and not for others , I would probably ring her and tell her exactly what I thought of her irrespective of the consequences .

Just go NC or LC and don't give her any power. She clearly likes to manipulate people,and now she's bringing your DC into it. Don't let them learn this is acceptable.

How old are your dc? I am nc with dm. Dc know exactly why - figured out by themselves..
Your dc won't want gifts when strings are attached.. Just tell them dmg is flakey. Slight truth until they grasp her fully...

YANBU but are probably not being kind to yourself. It's unfortunate but it sounds like you know what she's like. You may find if you disengage further, your happiness will improve and she may make some effort as she'll have no power. If you wanted to really shake her tree, message her to tell her not to send nothing.

It will seem unfair but she'll make effort with others for appearances. Don't make the comparison.

At least you are not being singled out amongst your siblings.

Good luck.

What an awful woman. I feel sorry for you but I think you’d be happy if you went no contact x

Sod her and her "punishments". Ring her, tell her exactly what you think of her and where she can ram that washing machine and then never have anything to do with her again.
Seriously, she's only going to do more damage. To you and then your kids. Don't let her.

She sounds horrible. I'd stop bothering with her, and I'd probably tell her exactly why she'd no longer be hearing from me-- because she doesn't treat her children and grandchildren fairly or with love.

YANBU to be upset; but you are being a bit unreasonable to expect anything better from her. She is controlling and manipulative, and unless she has some kind of massive personal revelation or years of therapy, she isnt going to change.
So you either accept her the way she is and dont expect anything from her, or you walk away.

Look for the Stately Homes threads, see if anything else in there fits with your experience.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread

I would tell her that inconsistent presents is worse than no presents at all as it confuses the kids and can she please stop buying for them.

Then if she ever mentions presents just change the subject

She’s a pathetic twat who enjoys what little power she can wield from abroad, don’t give her the power anymore.

Needless to say, no cards and presents for her or SD.

Bloody hell, your mum sounds petty as hell. She never calls you but because you haven't called her enough your kids don't get pressies while their cousins do?! She sounds like a bit of a narc to be honest.

What @Goopsoup says. I'd absolutely say that you will tell the children they won't expect any more presents from her, because you won't have them confused about the inconsistency of it all.

She just likes to be in control - don't let her.

Id just completely cut contact she lives abroad and sounds like she brings no joy to your life just stresses and disappointments.