To be upset that my mum isn't buying my kids Christmas presents?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

My mum is a PITA for promising to give gifts then not following through. Still waiting on a washing machine for my wedding present - I got married 12 years ago, have had 2 kids and a divorce since! She also promised to give me a diamond necklace for my 30th - I got a £25 tea towel!
Disclaimer: I didn't ask for a washing machine or necklace, I never ask for anything, but when someone promises one it would be nice if they kept their promise. And I smiled sweetly when I got the tea towel and said it was lovely (it was fucking ugly)

She now lives abroad and because of the cost of postage and risk of breakages (I usually buy her perfume you can't get where she lives) we just buy for each other when we see each other - but she would usually buy gifts online to be delivered to me for the DC in time for Xmas.

2 years ago she decided I was too old for presents and stopped buying for me, so I reciprocated. She still bought for the DC though and this year even picked out some Lego sets for them which I said would be perfect.

I'm a teacher and a single mum so any parcels I order I get delivered I send to the school as no one is ever home to take them in and my neighbours all work FT too. So I told my mum to send the Lego sets to school. Our last day is Tuesday and the building will be shut over the holidays so I messaged her yesterday to say if she hadn't sent them already to send them to my house no the school.

Anyway, she's not getting the kids presents this year. She's re-negged on the Lego. I asked why and she said she will just buy for them whenever she sees them next.

I know my mum, we've had a fraught relationship and I strongly suspect it's more to do with the fact that she doesn't think I've called her enough this year (she's implied this, she never calls me despite being retired, I always have to be the one to call her she never calls me). She punishes me in little ways like that.

To clarify: her and SD have no money issues, they sold a succession of homes for huge profits and live a very luxurious lifestyle, wear only designer clothes etc. £30 Lego sets would not be an issue.

The thing that hurts most is that she is buying for two of my siblings kids - I asked her, DB is a 'struggling single father' you know (a single father who doesn't pay maintenance and actively reduced how many times he saw his DC) and DSis has been 'super supportive' this year my other DB isn't getting one for his DD though. "I'll buy for her when I see her". And she also had bought for her best friend's adult children (she told me 2 weeks ago she'd got them Debenhams vouchers and was panicking that they'd be useless).

AIBU to be really fucking upset by this?. She often uses gifts as a punishment or bribe. For example, when I got married she said she'd buy my dress. I found a total bargain at £300. She said she'd only buy it if I started sending my SD's family birthday cards (I've never met half of them, the other half i last saw when I was 8 but she likes to play the dutiful wife to his misogynistic family). I said no BTW and bought it myself!

I feel like if she has an issue, speak up, don't take it out on my children.

Everyone is right. Expect nothing from her and keep her at arms length. Certainly don’t dance to her tune by trying to work out what you’ve done ‘wrong’.

Not buying for them may be cheap, or lazy and that is annoying enough. But buying for some grandchildren and not others is horrible. She is trying to be hurtful to her own grandchildren. I would go no contact, tell her why and tell your siblings why too.

100% go NC. So petty to make you feel like this! I've just started the NC with my mother as there is only so many mind games and emotional bullshit they can pull.
Be honest with your kids and do not feel back for distancing yourself. Your mental health is way more important to your children than presents xx

Just don’t rise to it. I doubt they will even notice.

She sounds a total oddball. No wonder you're hurt. I'd stop bothering with her.

Your not my sister are you 😂 I swear I could have written this post. My “D”M hasn’t seen my DCs in almost 3 years never mind bought them a card or present.

I havnt bothered with her at all, I’m well and truly past caring or playing her games. I know she actually takes pleasure out of leaving my DCs out, like she’s winning by ignoring her grandchildren and hurting them. I’ve deleted her off Facebook because she thinks splashing photos of spoiling my siblings DCs all over it is some kind of triumph.

I decided I wasn’t going to put my DCs through her mind games and playing with their emotions. My 8yo has finally stopped asking about her, my 6yo dosnt bother asking and my 3yo hasn’t got a clue who she is,

Like yours mine is full of promises but no follow through. My favourite was my DBs 18th, she gave him a cheque for £50, as soon as my Dad was out of ear shot she told him not to bother cashing it. I think I got £10 in a card for mine, but for my 21st I got £50 in a card, only because my Dad wrote it so she couldn’t not put it in. Anyway I said I was going shopping that afternoon, I actually lived in London at the time and was visiting home. My mum insisted in coming as a girl “bonding” thing, we’ve never fucking bonded or done girl things together, I knew exactly what she was doing so I told her I was just popping to see my Nan first and would meet her in town. I got there before her and deliberately spent the money before she arrived and didn’t tell her. Anyway it was all of 5 mins after we met that she asked me to lend her the money back. Oppsss sorry mum, I’ve already spent it. She no longer wanted a “bonding” afternoon hahaha

She sounds awful. Thank goodness she lives abroad and you don’t have to see her very often. I’d be reducing contact even more.

I think you need to just let go of any expectations, she isn't going to change and she has no intentions of meeting your expectations. Don't get me wrong, your expectations are entirely reasonable and what anyone should be able to expect of a parent, or even a friend.

Sounds to me as if you have a pretty good handle on 'who she is'. She makes promises she doesn't keep, uses gifts as bribes and/or punishment. And treats her children differently. So why are you expecting anything in the way of 'honest' gift-giving from her? I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but you're sort of bringing your own disappointment on yourself.

I agree with others, I'd go either LC or NC with her. Doesn't sound as if she adds much to your or your children's lives.

How can telling you about the presents she is buying for others and not for you be anything but deliberately cruel. You h ave mentioned she enjoys punishing you.
This must really hurt but you now what she is like and the level she is prepared to go to.
You don't have to put up with this. You could either tell her that is it and why (which at least gives you some feeling of standing up to her) or if that is also too painful - take a giant step back and be firm when she starts pestering you, as she will. Show her that she doesnt have your permission to treat you like this.
As for the kids. Just don't mention it and they probably won't think about it themselves. They have plenty of love and affection from you.

I tell my mum not to buy for my kids, as does my sister because my mum has no money, we don't begrudge her buying a small gift for my brothers child as she is the youngest and all our children are older. But your mum has money and no money issues so why doent she buy your kids something, even a gift voucher for 10 pounds is better than nothing..

@AliceMcK just wanted to apologise as on another thread I said that it was strange that you have a bag of emergency presents to give your dc when they get hurt etc, but now I see why you may do this

you have your answer - go low contact with her ignore her and enjoy your own little family with no backward glance

have SIL with similar style eventually we just stopped bothering with her and relieved ourselves of having much to do with her

that type dont care for you but then when they get old or ill or have problems are quick to play the family card whenever it suits their own needs. Just be busy doing better things and enjoy your life.

I hope reneged isn't on your class spelling list!!

She sounds so much like my own mother that I am questioning if you're a long lost sister OP lol.

Whenever my mother pulls this sort of shit I usually just stay quiet. I don't know why. I wouldn't put up with being treated badly by anyone... except her.

My DH is always encouraging me to be bold and actually call her out on her behaviour because he knows it bothers me.

Don't be a spineless twat like me. Tell your mum her behaviour is wrong.

[quote goopsoup]@AliceMcK just wanted to apologise as on another thread I said that it was strange that you have a bag of emergency presents to give your dc when they get hurt etc, but now I see why you may do this [/quote]
I hadn’t seen that. Thanks, it’s ok. I’ve always kept things like this, even before having DCs, I’d use them for my friends DCs when visiting. I also have a stash of adult gifts which come in handy when I forget birthdays or want to say thank you to someone.

It’s also handy when money is tight, I always know I have something to gift. I’m also a bargain hunter so if I see a good deal I will pick things up and add them to my goodie bag.

Stop phoning this manipulative narc. Enjoy the peace.

Choosing which GC you buy Christmas presents for is bloody awful behaviour. I’d stop calling her at all personally.

Epically shit behaviour, discriminating between gc. I wouldn’t get her anything, I wouldn’t ask where the Lego is, I wouldn’t bother phoning, frankly. I could count on two hands how many times my mum has called me since my dad died 18 months ago, I just can’t be bothered to try to maintain the relationship.

My mother in law and father in law is like this. Treat the grandchildren so differently. As my children have gotten older. They started too notice and ask why nanny bought their cousins gifts and gave them money and they would have nothing? As they weren't my parents and my husband had them on a pedestal the situation was difficult. So I informed my 13 year old and 8 year old the next time nanny mentioned what she had purchased or given one of their cousins. Too simply ask her why she never had bought them anything and why they where treated differently. Thinking maybe it may make her realise how differently our children were treated. It wasn't long before the conversation arose at a family barbecue. Watching that woman squirm gave me great pleasure. Needless too say it didn't change anything she still never bothered with my kids however it did highlight the issue with my husband along with alot of others between him and them and he no longer bothers too make the effort with them. Sadly they havent seen my children or phoned in nearly two years and live in the same county as us! Sometimes people do not deserve your effort or your time as painful as it is sometimes you need too put the ball in their court and see if they want too play ball with you. I do feel for you though. It is not a nice feeling especially when it's your children x

My Parents used to do something similar but with school holidays. They would tell GD how they would take her to the pictures and to pick which one she wanted to see. Then it was only if they wanted to see it too. Then Dad wanted to see something different, so instead of going to both on separate days, they stopped taking her altogether and made ''specialists'' appointments which would mean their monthly check-up at the GP...

Was she a good mum to you when you were younger? I ask because my Uncles pointed out recently that mum left mothering me up to her mother. It's caused quite a stir, but if your mum wasn't a good one to you, I doubt she is going to change for your children (sadly).

Do they know their other grandparents?

@quizqueen

I hope reneged isn't on your class spelling list!!

Does that feel better? You absolute dick.

OP I'm sorry. You and your children deserve better.

I wouldn't accept any gifts that had conditions attached to them like yours seem to. I'm sorry that you are going though this, it's not nice, I have the same situation with MIL (she bothers with her other grandchildren, but not mine)

Thanks all

To answer questions
DD is 8 DS is 4. DS may not notice but DD will as she writes thank you cards.

I am already fairly LC for these very reasons. My mother does have narcissistic tendencies and she refuses to see I am LC because of her behaviour. It's obviously because I'm cold and distant for no good reason because she's a lovely person (she often says this, she's a lovely person). To the PP who mentioned being raised by her GM - YES!! This was me! It was all of us really, my grandparents looked after us constantly. My mum wouldn't even watch my kids while I had a shower. She was a single mum to 4 from when we were tiny and she despises single mums now and is mortified that I am one. I don't even attempt to understand her any more.

I think I finally been to phase in NC.

@quizqueen

I hope reneged isn't on your class spelling list!!

@quizqueen

Can I ask exactly what you have gained from posting this? Do you feel good now? Or Is it because you feel especially shit about you own life so you have to pick at other people's imperfections?

To reassure you

1. I don't teach English
2. The youngest person I teach is 14 and well past spelling tests

Why is there always one grammar pedant on every MN thread?!

History aside, the expectation is that she buys for all the children of the family but none of those children’s parents bother to get her anything because she doesn’t buy for the children’s parents? How is that fair? She has to put in time, effort and money choosing and sending gifts but none of the children’s parents have to bother reciprocating?

I think that’s completely unreasonable.