To be upset that my mum isn't buying my kids Christmas presents?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

My mum is a PITA for promising to give gifts then not following through. Still waiting on a washing machine for my wedding present - I got married 12 years ago, have had 2 kids and a divorce since! She also promised to give me a diamond necklace for my 30th - I got a £25 tea towel!
Disclaimer: I didn't ask for a washing machine or necklace, I never ask for anything, but when someone promises one it would be nice if they kept their promise. And I smiled sweetly when I got the tea towel and said it was lovely (it was fucking ugly)

She now lives abroad and because of the cost of postage and risk of breakages (I usually buy her perfume you can't get where she lives) we just buy for each other when we see each other - but she would usually buy gifts online to be delivered to me for the DC in time for Xmas.

2 years ago she decided I was too old for presents and stopped buying for me, so I reciprocated. She still bought for the DC though and this year even picked out some Lego sets for them which I said would be perfect.

I'm a teacher and a single mum so any parcels I order I get delivered I send to the school as no one is ever home to take them in and my neighbours all work FT too. So I told my mum to send the Lego sets to school. Our last day is Tuesday and the building will be shut over the holidays so I messaged her yesterday to say if she hadn't sent them already to send them to my house no the school.

Anyway, she's not getting the kids presents this year. She's re-negged on the Lego. I asked why and she said she will just buy for them whenever she sees them next.

I know my mum, we've had a fraught relationship and I strongly suspect it's more to do with the fact that she doesn't think I've called her enough this year (she's implied this, she never calls me despite being retired, I always have to be the one to call her she never calls me). She punishes me in little ways like that.

To clarify: her and SD have no money issues, they sold a succession of homes for huge profits and live a very luxurious lifestyle, wear only designer clothes etc. £30 Lego sets would not be an issue.

The thing that hurts most is that she is buying for two of my siblings kids - I asked her, DB is a 'struggling single father' you know (a single father who doesn't pay maintenance and actively reduced how many times he saw his DC) and DSis has been 'super supportive' this year my other DB isn't getting one for his DD though. "I'll buy for her when I see her". And she also had bought for her best friend's adult children (she told me 2 weeks ago she'd got them Debenhams vouchers and was panicking that they'd be useless).

AIBU to be really fucking upset by this?. She often uses gifts as a punishment or bribe. For example, when I got married she said she'd buy my dress. I found a total bargain at £300. She said she'd only buy it if I started sending my SD's family birthday cards (I've never met half of them, the other half i last saw when I was 8 but she likes to play the dutiful wife to his misogynistic family). I said no BTW and bought it myself!

I feel like if she has an issue, speak up, don't take it out on my children.

Set her a challenge and twist her melon, OP. Tell her she can't buy for the DGC or that you think they've got enough so you insist she doesn't. She'll be caught in a conflict between not wanting to buy and not wanting to follow your suggestion or order.

Go no contact.

I hear you OP. My youngest is 3 and my mother has never so much as acknowledged her birthdays, as just one example of her hurtful behaviour. Too many instances to recount where I am left bewildered as to why, but certain that I (and by extension my children) am being punished for some imagined slight. I have come to the distressing realization that I am the family scapegoat and am low contact for my own mental health.

PS - still waiting for the backlog of promised parcels dating back about 5 years . Maybe they are stuck in the same warehouse as your washing machine?!

YANBU. She sounds like a fickle twat tbh.

So it was ok you buying her gifts all that time even though she was presumably 20-40yrs older than you. But it all stops when she considers you're too old... Ok...

Anyway. Back to your kids; I'd reply saying something like

"That's a shame, the kids would have loved the Lego. No problem, I'll let them know you can't get anything for them this year, I'm sure they'll understand. Don't worry about getting it later on, we'll probably all have long forgotten by then. I hope you have a Merry Christmas".

Then don't bother with her until she makes good her promise. Yes it's only a gift but she needs to stop dangling carrots, trying to make you feel grateful I'm sure, and then not even doing it.

@everythingbackbutyou

Some people just aren't cut out to be parents. My partner's parents (kids grandparents) have never bothered with them. No birthday cards, presents. But most importantly have seen them probably 4 times in 2.5 years despite living 10 mins away. And on all of those occasions it's been us going to them. They've never once asked us round or to see them. They're selfish twats.

@Mmn654123

History aside, the expectation is that she buys for all the children of the family but none of those children’s parents bother to get her anything because she doesn’t buy for the children’s parents? How is that fair? She has to put in time, effort and money choosing and sending gifts but none of the children’s parents have to bother reciprocating?

I think that’s completely unreasonable.

Because she stopped buying for me first, you don't take it out on the kids!

Going no contact is amazing for mental health. My brother and I backed away from our mum years ago. My sister phones her monthly out of guilt/obligation. Although she has given up trying arrange get togethers (mum always cancels, once because she met someone on tinder wtf) and is always the one having to ring her.

As punishment my DC and my brothers DC will not receive anything from her will. Tbh if I receive anything I'll donate to a cat sanctuary as she hates cats with a passion.

I think you have a slither of hope every year that she’ll reform and do the right thing.

She won’t.

I’d call her out on it to be honest. In a very low tone ‘oh you always say you’ll get them something then don’t, I’d rather you didn’t bother at all.

That's it - you have nothing more to do with her! I cannot stand this. If you have more than one child or grand child you treat them all the same. They are children!

Both sets of my grandparents would check to see what they had (to see they had enough of anything like biscuits) before giving them out or none of us had any. How on earth as a grandmother you could give to some and not to others!

My df has never ever bought me a gift. When I had dc his dw got them seasonal sale items. Thinks short set for dd for Xmas. One year when youngest (fourth) dc was 11 months old df came near Xmas to see them. As he left he stashed a bag behind the sofa. Thanked him with a wink and a nod.. Moved them for safety later on and noticed only 3 (obvious selection) boxes. I rang him joked on I had 4 now.. Apparently he didn't think ds would be allowed chocolate...
Can't argue with Scrooge.

@quizqueen

I hope reneged isn't on your class spelling list!!

I'm actually embarrassed for you @quizqueen. Hope you'll have the grace to come back and apologise to OP. Well done for kicking someone when they're clearly upset. Going NC with your mum is a huge deal and you've used this thread to act superior. Shameful.

I like the manipulative connotations of 're-negged'. She may be a follower of the 'neg' manipulation.

I do agree that as long as she was buying presents for the kids, you should have still been buying her one.

OP,
So sorry that your mother is such a waster.

Best response is not to rise to it and say something like "no problem at all"....

No upset or annoyance....just nothing.

Mind yourself.
By all means give an extra present, but not from GM.
Just tell them "Granny is very old and forgetful, so here's an extra gift from me".

Actually you could tell her that exactly!😏

But I would not pick up that phone again.

Do the kids see their other grand parents? If so I'd drop it into the conversation that the other DGP got the kids some brilliant Lego and they love it and love their DGPs so so much for getting it. (If not a close friend or aunty/uncle will have to do)

Then I'd never speak to her again.

My parents have always been completely fair and so have I with my kids, hell I don't even give the dog a treat without the cat getting one too, your Mother is an arse

No-one is entitled to a gift.
The default is no gift.
An unexpected present is a nice surprise.
If no gift received, don’t sweat it.
Relationship might already be complicated but don’t let trifles like this make it worse.

@WoolieLiberal

And no one is entitled to a phone call or entitled to a relationship with people they treat badly.

@WoolieLiberal does that mean I don't have to buy my own kids presents?

Not nice behaviour. I find my own mean to the kids. Cheap hand cream for a teen birthday. Just lousy. Going play her at her own game now

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Yes, but I’m sure you’re too nice to do that.

@happinessischocolate

Absolutely. No obligations either way IMHO.

YANBU she sounds utterly horrid. Poor you OP

I do sort of agree though that you should have bought her a present OP if she buys them for the kids.
But it’s still horrid of her to take it out on the kids. And to weaponise gift giving.

So, just pooping on for an update. I spoke with my (non present receiving) brother today. He agrees it's out of order and we have decided we are gonna give it a few days to calm down and I am gonna send her an email expressing our disappointment and that we need some space from her to think things through. I've spent years in a dignified silence and the time has come to stop. My brother said he would do it but I'm a tremendous wuss when it comes to mum so I want it to be me. I need to put my big girl pants on face this

Good for you OP.

I can let things roll off me a bit for myself, but if anyone was unkind/unfair to my children deliberately, I have found a white fury that begins at my feet and travels the whole breath of my body which has driven me to be very firm but calm in making it abundantly clear it will not be tolerated.

I think that is all part of being a parent.

The preference to bear any pain to prevent them experiencing it, particularly when they are young.

Best of luck.