Do you intervene if you see bad parenting

[lboogy]

I know this is controversial and I'm prepared to be told to mind my own business but here goes....

It's about 7-8 degrees out today and it's raining. Was walking and saw two women, one possibly with a child but I can't be sure and another pushing one child in a pushchair and a 4-6 year old walking behind her in a tutu and a vest. Child was crying walking bare feet and holding plastic gel sandals.

Mum walked up to a block of flats while women number 1 held the door open for her. I almost walked away and said nothing but then thought let me help this child with her shoes. So I asked the child if she wants me to help with her shoes in full sight of mum. Child said no, mum said nothing. I asked if it was her child and she said yes. Women no 1 shouted at me to f- off. I said it's quite unusual to see a child with no shoes on so I wanted to help you. I know she's probably given you hell. Friend mumbled something and I walked away at that point because it was clear things would escalate.

So it got me thinking. I know we live in a society of 'mind your own business' but this was too bad a scenario for me to ignore. The child was never dressed for the weather even if she had taken off her coat. A tutu and a vest and sandals in winter .. just odd to me. Now my toddler has kicked off boots and removed coats and shoes when upset so it's not like I couldn't imagine how the child came to be undressed. But I wonder now if I should have kept walking or does the reaction of strangers help parents in high stress situations like I'd imagine took place to get the child to such a state of undress.

So was iBU to offer help?

No I would not. I would not want to risk being assaulted.

I don’t think I’d have intervened in that scenario. The child said no when you asked anyway so stands to reason they removed their own shoes in some sort of protest.

My 2 year old hates wearing shoes so often kicks them off in public. He turns it into a game tbh so sometimes I just don’t play and he sits in the pushchair with no shoes on. He will then pull the socks off, again that’s his choice.

@DonkeyMcFluff

No. You NEVER intervene. That’s how you end up getting assaulted. You film them and report to the authorities.

It's quite amazing I'm still alive and in one piece.

I saw a baby who looked about 4 on a bike cycling on the pavement. He was at the lights of a busy junction. I quickly went to the child as there was a suspicious man hovering over him too. I asked the child were his mum was he didn't say a word. I saw his mum come slowly down the road without a care in the world. I informed her that her child was about to cross a busy road and a man was hovering around. I told her it's important to be mindful of people on the road and that it was easy for someone to take the child if they wanted to. She didn't seem bothered and walked off. I'm not sure if she understood English but I am still worrying about that child

Not a baby a toddler lol

Urgh, my DS hates wearing trousers and jumpers. I mean HATES them. Yesterday it was chucking it down and we went out and he was wearing shorts and kept taking his coat off and I was battling to get it on him!! At school the teachers won’t let him leave until he puts his coat on he walks out and takes it off and I always get the ‘bad parent’ luck he’s 5. I know I’m constantly being judged but he’s always been this way. He has refused to walk, sat on the wet floor, screamed like he’s in pain if I try to put it on I gave up after about 3 weeks and take the judgement now

I'm sure we've all had moments when other people have looked at our parenting and thought that they could do better, rightly or wrongly

It's possible child removed their shoes and refused to put them back on. If they were going into a block of flats, likely going home. I would have minded my own business.

I'd never intervene, unless a child was in immediate danger- ie about to run into the road or something.

Yes I have
New neighbours moved next door and the man has his daughter every other Saturday night-he's a heavy drinker goes corner shop every night for his cans
One Saturday heard his daughter crying hysterically she sounded petrified and he's screaming at her ' why the fuck have you pissed yourself ' shouting and bailing And he's telling her to ' get the fuck here ' and just heard this child - no older than 4 crying her eyes out, this went on for 15 minutes if not longer and I had to intervene and go round
Girlfriend answered the door - don't think it's her child, I asked if everything was okay and she said she's ' sorting it ' I just said it's disgusting having to listen to that and he should be ashasmed of himself and he's shouting from the front room ' I dont give a fuck fuck off ' luckily didn't hear anything for the rest of the night so me going round stopped him
I regret not ringing social services but haven't seen the daughter since poor girl

I saw a man laughing and carrying his approximately 4 year old daughter by the ponytail through a crowded shopping centre. She was crying and crying and clearly in pain, he kept laughing. I went over to him and yelled “ stop. put her down. “. He did not speak English and kept holding her in mid air by the hair. I repeated it. the two young women with him explained in their language what I was saying and he slowly put her down. I told the women to go to police if he ever does anything to that child. They stared at me then they walked quickly away into the crowd. I still wonder what happened and other abuse that poor child endured

I have let my children play on their bikes in mud and get absolutely covered in mud and walk home with people staring as they go by, and let them go without shoes or occasionally without a warm jumper on a cold day as they refused to put it on. Not the same, doesn’t matter what others think on those occasions. I wish everyone worked together to call it out when it is clearly needed, and report. But clearly crowds of people prefer to pretend it isn’t happening. Have seen this on a few occasions, people just ignore.

The only thing I ever ever do, is offer sympathy to the parents. ‘Urgh I feel your pain, there’s light at the end of the tunnel’ sort of thing - which I always feel a bit of a knob about saying, but know I’d have appreciated it.

If I know the parents and kids I might interject and try and reason. But tbh, nothing made me feel shitter than somebody convincing my child to do something that I’d failed to do!

I have run after two toddlers who escaped from the library and were heading for the road. their dads were talking and oblivious. fucking twats.

I did this during the summer and actually felt really bad about it afterwards. I was with DD walking home from nursery and a woman was running to catch a bus with her little boy. He was absolutely screaming "Mummy, stop please!" and she was in such a panic not to miss the bus, she was practically dragging him along the ground. I crossed the road and offered to help but she ignored me. I went to the bus and asked him to wait for her. When she got there I heard her telling the driver that they'd been up to the hospital because the little boy had hurt his foot. He obviously couldn't keep up with her.

I felt awful for intervening as the woman was clearly really stressed. But the little boy was screaming and she was just dragging him...I still think about it.

My Nan lives by a very naice primary school and twice when visiting I've had to pull random children out of the path of a Chelsea tractor - parents nose deep in their phones, completely oblivious

Once. Not a parent but a grandparent.

Communal picnic/beach area. Grandparent with 3 kids ranging from 5-12. 12 year old was hysterically screaming at her Nan. Out of control screaming at her Nan, very clearly some additional needs going on. Her Nan was sitting there ignoring her and dealing with the smallest kid. The girl then picks up a snorkel and starts lashing out smacking her brother over the head with it repeatedly. She wasn’t screaming at him but had completely lost control and was hitting her brother over and over. He was cowering in his seat and the Nan did nothing. Just carried on ignoring her. There were so many families around and everyone was just staring in fucking horror. It was horrible to witness this kid being beat over the head by someone completely out of control.

I walked over stood in front of her brother and she lashed out at me. I held her arm and said don’t even think about it.

The girl instantly burst into tears and starts screaming at her Nan to get me away from her, the Nan starts screaming at me to get off her granddaughter. I let go and told her I don’t care what’s going on I’m not going to ignore a 12 year old repeatedly hitting a little boy over the head (he had a huge welt on his forehead and scratch on the cheek). She went mental at me, screaming that I didn’t know what was wrong with her and to leave them alone.

It was the weirdest situation I’ve ever been in. Often think about that poor boy, he was terrified but so resigned to the situation

someone intervened when dc was having a meltdown and was in the hold developed to prevent him injuring me. (still got spat at and head butted in the arm but that is a lot better than head butted in the face and clawed in the face.) It was good that they did as it could have been someone trying to nick 'em. (god help them if they tried)

they had horrendous autistic meltdowns after school.

a presumably medic/nurse, intervened when dd had a nose bleed in asda, quick tip her head forward... (it was back as I was wrestling tissues and she was throwing her head back in fear... intervention helpd dd) then they walked off looking abit ah shit, should I have done that... if it was you, thanks, yes you should have...

I have once. Was leaving a hospital and in the entrance area was a young mother with a baby under 2. Baby kept throwing dummy away and generally being challenging. Mum trying to settle but could see she was getting to the end of her tether and holding back tears. She was starting to snap at baby and getting cross. I went and sat next to them for a bit but didn’t directly intervene initially. Then baby there dummy again and she shouted at him, dumped him on the seat between us and burst into tears. Baby also burst into tears. I passed her a tissue which she took thankfully and I asked her if she’d like me to cuddle him for a bit, empathised with trying to parent little ones. I sat baby on my knee, wiped his nose, gave him dummy back and he calmed down a bit. I chatted with mum and found out she had just lost her dad and there was some mix up over an appointment that she was meant to be there for and she didn’t know what to do.

I went to the reception desk and explained the situation and asked if there was someone who could help her. Receptionist was lovely, went over and offered to help her with a taxi and also sorted out the appointment issue.

The mum thanked me for my kindness.

Life is hard sometimes, and it takes nothing to offer a tissue and a listening ear.

I’ve been on both sides of this. On one side I am absolutely the parent who will help your child at soft play if you aren’t there. If they’re hitting children or if they’ve hurt themselves and you weren’t bothered, I will help them and bring them back to you and I will say something. You might think it would get me assaulted but I’m the scary tattooed mum 😂 I also found a boy crying outside Primark in the Metro Centre and walked round holding his hand to find his mum with him who wasn’t bothered in the slightest He was only about 4! I was petrified I looked like I was stealing him.

But on the other hand my DS has Autism and frequently refuses to walk. I remember picking his sister up from school and he’d been stopping/starting/kicking off for at least 45mins. Everyone was gone and we were still on the bottom of the school hill... so I picked him up while he was deadweight (which I can imagine did not look comfortable for him) and had to stoney faced carry him to the bus stop as he screamed blue murder. There wasn’t anything else I could do coz all he wanted was to be at the top of the hill and I had to get home. I cried as soon as we got through the front door.

If a child walking along in a tutu & carrying their shoes is too bad a situation for you to ignore, I suggest you need to get out more

You didn't want to help, you wanted to make the mum to feel shit.

I have once, it was at the beach in the summer.
Me, my ds and adult dd were sitting in front of a couple of young kids say 7 and 3 with their grandparents.
The grandparents were swearing and screaming abuse at the 3 year old as he didn't want to play in the sea. They said they were going to batter him and calling him all sorts. They said they were phoning his dad and that he won't like when his dad hits him.
This went on until I could stand it no more and I turned round and asked if the boy wanted to play with my son. He came over and spent the rest of the day playing with us but in a subdued and resigned way.
He had a nappy on that looked like it hadn't been changed in hours and he was just such sad looking boy.
The grandparents were overjoyed I'd taken him off their hands for the afternoon. So sad to think that he has to put up with them and god only knows what the dad was like

I have a little trick I sometimes us on kids having a melt down. My car key separates into two, so I just ask the child if they could help me with there more nimble fingers to fix my keys as my fingers are to fat and clunky. Obviously I 'desperately' need their help.

The initial shock usually resets the screaming while the brain focusing on the task usually resets the whole argument. Then with a smile and a nod to the parent I thank the child and walk off into the sunset. I've never had a parent not immediately understand the game and I can't recall it ever not working.

I've never intervened in the sense you mean it OP, much to scared for that.

Yes, I have intervened. Was at a neighbours BBQ. There were lots of children of all ages. Neighbour thought it was a good idea to keep giving his 2.5yr old DS mouthfuls of beer. After the tenth mouthful I had to say something. Even more shocking is he was a police officer.

In that situation no, I think you were out of line. We moved from a very very cold climate to a more moderate one when my oldest was a toddler and she wasn’t even faintly chilled at temperatures that had everyone else bundled up to their eyebrows. I knew she genuinely wasn’t, because I wasn’t either! I wasn’t going to wrestle her into extra clothing she didn’t need or want but I got a fair amount of judge faces until she acclimated and got cold like everyone else.

If I see a parent or adult in any way physically hurting a child, I am intervening.