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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive partner has just been arrested...

80 replies

purpleunicorn59 · 13/12/2020 13:53

And I feel so sad and lonely. He tried to run and seeing the panic in his face was awful. He has mental health issues and has been in jail before. I know I had to call them for myself and our daughter but I just feel so terrible like it's all my fault

OP posts:
Ffsffsffsffsffs · 13/12/2020 13:57

Oh lovely, your phone call may have triggered the police action, but it's his own actions that have led to his arrest.

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to see this through. The police don't take these things lightly.

ludothedog · 13/12/2020 14:00

You and your daughter deserve a life of peace without violence and threat. It was his actions that have resulted in him be arrested.

Please, please put your own safety and that of your DD's above feeling sorry for him. He can look after himself, he is an adult who can make decisions for himself, your DD can't. Her needs should be paramount.

Fuckertyfuckmcfuck · 13/12/2020 14:00

It's not your fault my darling, you had no choice. Do you have anyone with you?

Whatisthisfuckery · 13/12/2020 14:01

It’s not your fault if he’s panicked by the consequences of his own shitty behaviour. Jut remember it’s his own actions that have got him arrested, if he doesn’t want to be arrested he shouldn’t behave in ways that are threatening/illegal/abusive.

MH problems do not make people abusive BTW, abusive people are abusive. Being abusive is not a NH problem, it’s an abuse problem.

I hope you and your DC are ok. You deserve better than being subjected to behaviour that results in arrest. Please remember that you are the victim here. If your partner hadn’t been behaving badly he wouldn’t have been arrested.

user42579522 · 13/12/2020 14:03

Well, it's not your fault.

Trumplosttheelection · 13/12/2020 14:04

Better seeing the panic in his face than seeing the panic on your child's face if he seriously hurt or killed you. Violent men are not safe. This needed to happen.

dontlikebeards · 13/12/2020 14:05

This is HIS fault, the panic you saw in his face was caused by HIS actions, he has been arrested because of HIS actions. He caused this.

This is not your fault.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2020 14:06

Look into your daughter's eyes and keep looking until you come to the realisation that one of her parents protected her from the abuse.

Then give yourself a huge pat on the back Thanks

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 13/12/2020 14:06

Yes as a pp said, better he is panicked and scared that your child. He needs to experience consequences for his actions. Plenty of us exist with mental health problems and manage not to abuse our partners or children.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 14:07

They wouldn't have arrested him if you were kicking up a stink about nothing. The reason you have stayed in an abusive relationship in the first place is to do with the fact your boundaries are lacking. THIS WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT. The fact you are blaming yourself now is a symptom of exactly the same thing.

It's imperative that you remember which bits are him, and which bits are you. The Police don't arrest people for nothing. He ran for a reason. He had a look of panic on his face for a reason. He knows he has done wrong, and he knew he was being caught for it. It is exactly what should happen, and you have triggered it. Give yourself a pat on the back, not a shovelful of guilt. Take a deep breath. You are safe. What can you do to stay that way?

Do you have some support in real life?

FourPlatinumRings · 13/12/2020 14:08

You did the right thing. I know it didn't feel like it, but that's a side effect of the abuse.

Perfect28 · 13/12/2020 14:08

Well done, you are so strong 💪

PinkiOcelot · 13/12/2020 14:09

Does he feel guilty when he’s abusing you? I doubt it tbh.
He has been arrested because of his own actions. No one else’s. As PP have said, your dd doesn’t deserve to be brought up in that environment. Neither do you of course.
Onwards and upwards OP.
Is there anyone you can call?

Original poster
purpleunicorn59 · 13/12/2020 14:11

The hardest part is that I know he doesn't understand why I called them and genuinely believes that I'm overreacting and in the wrong. In his mind I've done it out of spite. I only called because my mum said it was enough now and I had to do something. He's only been violent a few times in our 2 year relationship but it's more the mental manipulation and evil things he says.

He can only focus on one issue at a time and everything else is completely irrelevant. For example he used to call me constantly while I was at work so I couldn't use my phone and when I reported him for harassment (among other things) his response was "I was only calling you".

He raised his hand as if he was going to hit me while I was holding DD today, as if he was enjoying me flinching. While on the phone threatening my friend who I haven't been allowed to speak to for over a year because he believes we've slept together.

Sorry, it might not make sense I just need to let it all out

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleunicorn59 · 13/12/2020 14:14

Thankyou for all your replies, I know I've done the right thing.

I'm going to go to my sisters as soon as DD wakes up. She has been really supportive and has been encouraging me to do this for a long time

OP posts:
Eckhart · 13/12/2020 14:16

You have identified that you are being abused. You have taken action, and asked for help and support. These are exactly the things you need to be doing to protect your daughter's and your own safety in the future.

Sorry, it might not make sense I just need to let it all out

You probably have a lot to get off your chest. You don't need to apologise for that.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/12/2020 14:19

Better seeing the panic in his face than seeing the panic on your child's face if he seriously hurt or killed you

Exactly this
It doesn't matter at all whether he "understands" what you've done or even if he thinks it was OTT - what counts is your safety and peace of mind, and you'd never have had either with him

Just be aware before you even think of taking him back that, with a prison record and a toddler involved, SS will most likely take an interest ... and they'll take a dim view if you don't end this once and for all

user1471447924 · 13/12/2020 14:22

Sounds like he’s got what’s coming to him.

rc22 · 13/12/2020 14:29

Trying to make you believe he doesn't understand why you've done it and that you're overreacting is another tactic in his abuse. All part of his plan. You've done the right thing. Take care of yourself and when you feel up to it have a look at the Freedom programme.

MuthaFunka61 · 13/12/2020 14:29

Well done @purpleunicorn59.

You've stood up for yourself and your dd. Stand your ground,you've done nothing wrong and talk as much as you need,it'll help you process and order things in your mind.

You've got this and we've got you.Flowers

IdblowJonSnow · 13/12/2020 14:31

Good for you OP. Put your DD first and never take him back.

He made like he was going to hit you whilst you were holding her? Wow.

If he was panicked, well good frankly. Please put your energy to better use than worrying about him.

I'm glad you're safe and have the support of your sister.

ScreamingBeans · 13/12/2020 14:32

Well done for taking this step.

The fact that he doesn't even know what he's done wrong, means he'll never be able to address his abusive behaviour.

You have done exactly the right thing, please don't blame yourself for his behaviour bringing the consequences it should.

ptumbi · 13/12/2020 14:35

He had 'panic on his face'? Oh dear, poor him.

What about the panic on your face when he tries to hit you, or even 'pretends' to? Your panic didn't stop him or make him feel guilty, did it?

No, he liked seeing the panic on your face. And I for one am glad that he has now been scared of someone else, scared and panicked by someone else bigger and more authoritative than him.

Now he knows what it feels like.

diamondpony80 · 13/12/2020 14:38

I think most people who end up having to call the police on a partner do so only as a very last option. You did what you had to do to keep yourself and your child safe.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2020 14:39

He's only been violent a few times in our 2 year relationship but it's more the mental manipulation and evil things he says.

Only a few times? Once is completely unacceptable, never mind a few. I sincerely hope you understand that you must never see or speak to him again. Block him and change your locks immediately.

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