Abusive partner has just been arrested...

[purpleunicorn59]

And I feel so sad and lonely. He tried to run and seeing the panic in his face was awful. He has mental health issues and has been in jail before. I know I had to call them for myself and our daughter but I just feel so terrible like it's all my fault

Seeing the panic on his face but not your own.

He needs help. You arent at fault here. You are allowed to get help. You are allowed to get your daughter help.

Always amazes me how many men hide abuse and violence behind 'mental health problems'

You've done a very brave thing-well done and I hope you're able to stay safe

It is all his fault. You have done nothing wrong.

While he is at the police station, pack up your stuff and your sister's, and go to your sister.

Oh he knows what he’s doing regardless of his mental health and the panicked look is fuck she’s reported me I never thought she would mindset.

Now watch him trying to reel you back in with it’ll never happen again and I love you bollocks don’t believe him it’s all bullshit
Think of your daughter here

(((((purpleunicorn))))) Big hugs to you, you are so brave.
Let your little girl give you massive cuddles. You have just saved her mummy's life.
Things will improve.

If he looked panicked by the police, he understands what he's done and why its serious. If he treated you differently from others, he understands what he's doing. Don't risk your daughters health, well-being and possibly life over someone who 'doesn't understand'.

I have had to phone the police on my ex twice. The first time he smashed up my phone and confiscated my car keys and said I couldn't have them back unless I left our house. The second time he wouldn't let me get away from him and was threatening to ruin mine and my family's life. I managed to run to the bathroom and lock the door.

His words when he got out of jail were 'I can't believe you did that to me'.

You 100% did the right thing.

How utterly traumatic for you, take care of yourself & child. Small steps and take all support that you can
I hope he gets treatment for his illness and that he can be medicated, and monitored in community

He will hopefully go back to jail

MH problems don't excuse this

How dare he

Shocking

How will your little DD react to the violence she has seen? What support can be put in place for her

Can you ensure he won't return non mol?

It's awful

I would say 20 times I should have rang police but let him off
Poor him blah blah
When I did ring the police I made excuses for him like a mad woman
They don't change

Take care and never allow him near you both EVER AGAIN

You have absolutely done the right thing. You and your daughter stay safe and do NOT let this man near you again 💐

He sounds like a narcissist. Head over to the Facebook page surviving the narcissistic ex partner UK and worldwide. Reading other women's stories will allow you to slowly realise it is him that's broken not you. You will have a lot of healing to do. You are tuned to thinking of his feelings instead of your own as a survival strategy. But you don't have to do that.

Well done. If he doesnt understand what hes done wrong hes going to carry on doing it. But he does understand. He just thinks you should carry on putting up with it. Well done you! Glad your.sister is supportive

He's only been violent a few times in our 2 year relationship but it's more the mental manipulation and evil things he says.

He may have been arrested for the physical violence but this is not the only crime he has committed. He is also guilty of coercive control (mental manipulation, constant criticism, preventing you from seeing friends etc) - this is also a crime.

So it isn't 'only a few times' - it's a lot lot more than that. (see here for examples of all the most common tactics abusers use: www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/)

I get that right at this moment, you are feeling conflicted. That you still haven't let go of a hope that he will change. But I can 100% promise you this - if you take him back and allow him to escape the consequences of his behaviour - he will never change. Never.

The ONLY hope that you have (and it is a very slim hope) is for him to experience negative consequences for his behaviour.

I am concerned about him seeming to enjoy watching you flinch. This suggests that his MH issues have zero to do with his abuse of you (does he torment anyone else? Assault anyone else? Do this to you in front of witnesses? Didn't think so. So he is choosing to abuse you - and he could also choose not to. But he doesn't. I am concerned because his enjoyment makes him very dangerous. Please stay away from him.

Of course he had panic on his little face.

He had a couple of burly men in uniform after him for abusing you and your daughter. They don't like even the slightest nothing as terrifying as being in real danger taste of their own medicine.

You've done the right thing.

I hope you're using this time to ensure that he can't come back so you and your DD are safe. You have a right to peaceful, safe, happy lives. This man will not bring you any of these things.

There is no excuse for his behaviour, if he has mental health issues that’s not you problem, it’s no reason for you to put up with his behaviour.

3 years ago I called the police on my dp (now ex), he was mentally and sexually abusive, he was charged with harassment as there was not enough evidence to charge him with rape and sexual assault. Despite what he did to me I felt totally broken and guilty for getting him arrested, I was totally brain washed by him. The guilt did not last, it soon turned to anger against him. The only guilt I now feel is for me not ending it sooner and not protecting my dc.

You have totally done the right thing, no one deserves to be treated like this and no child deserves to be around a man like him. Hopefully he will go back to prison.

threatening my friend

I hope your friend is prepared to talk to the police, too.

I'm just really hoping that he doesn't get bail. He has taken/hidden the button for my panic alarm so I will have to rely on being close to my phone.

Thankyou to the poster who suggested the Facebook group, I actually joined one (possibly a different group) a couple of weeks ago. I came across it completely randomly but it has been a huge eye opener. It's almost as if they're all exactly the same. The fact that I still feel sorry for him let's me know I do need a lot of help to overcome this, but the feeling that I'm overreacting is still there

I definitely won't be getting back with him. I ended it last February and he didn't know where we lived until a couple of months ago after he followed me. He denies this but I can't see how else he would have found out. He acts as though we are still together regardless of how many times I tell him it's over, I don't want to be with him.

He already had a warrant for his arrest from a few weeks ago when I finally made a statement. He threatened to kill him self the next day and then wore me down for 9 hours until I let him come over. He has threatened to tell social services that I invited him over and have been letting him come round whenever I want sex... for every situation however wrong he is he has an explanation that makes me out to be in the wrong. I hope everyone can see through him in court. He has already told me that he will be using the fact that I was raped as a child as his defence, as obviously I'm mentally unstable..

I have a social worker coming tomorrow for the first time and I'm so worried. I know they have no concerns over my actual parenting but this is all so difficult to explain and make it make sense. When the police arrived I struggled to put this craziness into words so how am I going to explain this to a social worker.

I'm just really hoping that he doesn't get bail. He has taken/hidden the button for my panic alarm so I will have to rely on being close to my phone.

Call the police and tell them this immediately.

He threatened to kill him self the next day and then wore me down for 9 hours until I let him come over.

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, but this must not ever happen again or social services will have very serious concerns about your ability to safely parent your child. You can not ever allow him near you again.

your phone call may have triggered the police action, but it's his own actions that have led to his arrest.

This ^^

He's only been violent a few times in our 2 year relationship but it's more the mental manipulation and evil things he says

Please stop minimising his behaviour. Being violent just once is one more than it should be. And please tell the police that he has hidden the panic button.

My ex used to call the ‘suicide card’, he never went through with it sadly.

Social services will want to make sure you are doing all you can to protect your child from him.

If the police do release him on bail it will likely be with a restraining order so he can’t make contact with you. You need to tell the police about the alarm so they can sort you a new one, if you really worried they may advise you go and stay somewhere else for a few days.

He didn't mind the panic on your face when he was about to hurt you. Bullies are always weak when challenged.
Well done. Your daughter will be proud of you.

You've done the right thing, stick with it, do not let him back do not minimise what he has done.

Write it down, here, on paper, wherever you need to so that you don't have to try to get it out verbally when you need to tell people what has happened in previous incidents.

As for the suicide threats... ignore them.

I won't say he won't do it, he might.. if hes going to do it, he's going to do it regardless of what you say or do and it is NOT YOUR JOB to pander to him to try to prevent him doing it.

If he genuinely feels suicidal, it is HIS problem, all anyone needs to do if someone tells them they feel suicidal, is to inform the police/social services and leave them to deal with it.

Using threats of suicide to manipulate a person is another form of controlling coercive behaviour, and whilst it probably means a person does need help it does NOT mean you have to be the one who provides that help, nor does it mean that by allowing them to manipulate you, you are actually helping.

Please don't let this man back into your life, and please do not feel guilty for protecting yourself and your child.

Well done OP
You have one priority here, and that is the protection of your child.
This will either be enforced by you or other agencies. Put that first and foremost and don’t let yourself go over his mental health issues, panic on his face etc etc, which leads to excuses being made for him. As he’s been arrested this might be out of your hands anyway with Marac and possible idva input.